As I climbed on a stool to toss a box up on the top shelf of my closet in my new apartment, I found 3 yellow pages of legal pad paper, folded in quarters, with words written in red ink and the pages numbered like a short story. But this was real life scrawled on the blue lines. The first page was the end of a letter written to the love of Curtis's life, and further down it was dated 3-14, where another day's thoughts were lain out on paper. Out of curiosity, I sat on the floor and read a piece of some random man's life story. Ten minutes later, I folded the pages back into quarters and tucked them in the box that was meant for the top shelf, only to find them this past week after three years or safekeeping. Had I actually found a real journal I would've tried to find the man to return it, but I knew that this fellow named Curtis probably wouldn't mind leaving this part of his life behind.
Quote:
More people feel James and would feel my death through & for Jane & Connie then for him or I. That alone is pretty disheartening & must change, for my angel & my girls sake that is - for my own. (About the having friends part I mean.) I don't care, though, I do care about hurting the ones I Love!
Writting really helps me. I feel better just working this pen for I'm always pretty positive on paper. Even though I'm broke up, my thoughts and worries lie in you for I can not fathom how you feel and once again who is there for you? Not I!!
Curtis
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3:30 AM
Have come to this conclusion: w/ keeping the faith in mind I have to stay up beat & positive - so......
We were debating putting off Project Cure. The Lord showed up that that was no option!
First he hit us as close to home as he felt necessary by bringing James home - In doing so reminded us of my problem and then (in his eyes) He Removed Any Reason for my backing out of Project Cure and dealing w/ my drug problem. Hence removed to Baby from us - But
He didn't take away our child at all. He just delayed his birth so we had time to deal w/ our addictions first. Yes, our addictions - Mine maybe a lifetime of Drugs but yours is an addiction just the same!
Love Curtis
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3-14 Baby, So I won't yell or bitch but I'm hardly a fool! No, I'm more concerned w/ your well being to worry about anything else, even if your not!
Gotta Go Love Curt
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A lot has happened since I ended last letter 3-16
Connie, So it appears I was correct in my early predictions as to the person youd become. Treated me like a stranger when I was there - it's Wed. and you haven't even thought to visit. NEVER EVER home. Running around. Leaving babysitters w/ Sarah on school nights so you can smoke crack. You had Tom babysitting in your house after midnight - I won't even get going w/ all that!
Left the hospitol to smoke or ended up getting crack 3 or later in morning. Lieing to me over drugs. Lieing to me about everything - Men - Lieing to men about me - Us. Talking badly of me behind my back. Cried w/ Jane then got high! Connie still not even trying to look for work. Took Sarah into Crack House. getting crack from my connects (better then stranger I suppose) Lieing about it. I guess you can but show me so many ways of your life changing befor my eyes into the people I've dodged my whole life so I could be w/ you. Now I made you like me when I want to be like you.
I don't think nor believe you can or would stop smoking crack now! w/out help! help doesn't mean courts/programs .. etc. you /me/we could help each other. I don't think we can come back fromt he things of late w/out it! just since my Mont Co arrest let alone since Xenia release.
There is dope in your life everyday or as close to that as posible. Their is no longer room for me. What you gonna become when Tom cuts you off and you still want it. Who will you be then and what will you do for it! You can have your release from me - You've begged me for it!
You smoked crack while your were pregnant w/ my child - You smoke crack the very night you lost our child.
I can trust you no-more you lie hell you hide crack to smoke by yourself thats bad! I can't trust and believe you anymore and it makes me feel this big (small) I love you unfuckingcontrollable - I mean I love you so much that my actual skin hurts I've worried so much. I've watched guys w/ their women for ever - I've always been blessed - I've seen their torment. Its harder mentally then my 3 yrs in Solitary Confinement. I cant be suspicious, I cant be untrusting, I cant not believe in you or us. Its no t in my naturee and its never been a role I've had to paly. I wont start now. You've already spoke on Kelly and how you could have a Sugar Daddy - You do w/ Tom in a way - Will you ever! I Don't Know. I don't know noting about you cept my lonelyness I don't know if your faithful - I dont know if you ever fucked anybody - was that my child. How Do I Know.
I don't even know who all you buy crack from - who fronts ou crack. Who do you owe white or black - whos houses you go to to smoke crack. But I'm asking no Questions - afraid of answers! You are or will be "if you don't get a grip" you will be Xenia Avenue - unbelievable no - its not. think they weren't the real Connie at some Point! If you Don't STOP You will Lose - the Drug will win.
The Drug will win
The Drug will win
If You Don't Pay Attention!
Please
Please SEE you need control.
Don't stop Connie and do you think you'll have custody of Sarah in say 3 to 5 yrs if that long.
Please wake up - Sarah is EVERYTHING PERIOD.
Steve Lange my friend - heroin overdose Feb 15th - Leroy Mueller my friend heart explodes from crack Feb 27th James Mar 13th
Danny. Connie Danny - My life please wake up.
This letter is very Harsh I know - I'm truely sorry.
You need a friend not all this believe me I know I've been sitting w/ that accusatory finger in my face forever Connie
Connie I love you I love everything there is too you, about you, I love your Daughter I will lay in traffic for you Anything I could can or should I will for you. If you want
But I will no longer be party to this!
I love you forever, Curtis
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You call colored kids to buy drugs anytime in day/night by yourself what does that say to you!
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I cant get you to love me anymore - my womens heart is full I'm sorry for doing this to you but self pity I still must feel for I've lost my life again
I Love You Good bye
I Love You Goodbye What else can I say!
In you I lose my hear, my soul, my ego, my pride, my queen, my shinning star, my simple existence. Mostly my best friend and life time partner.
Goodbye My Love
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Live free or die.
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