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sadspacemonkey
!universe!
Registered: 11/01/06
Posts: 376
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Is it the X or is it just me?
#6609202 - 02/25/07 04:09 PM (17 years, 1 month ago) |
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I feel sort of strange making such a self-centered post as this when I haven't been around for long, but I'm kind of in a desperate place right now.
I had my first experience with E last weekend. It hit me very, very hard. While I was peaking I was incapable of doing anything but moaning and rolling around on the bed, crying and gasping out my life story. The pleasure was so intense it was almost painful.
Ever since that night, I haven't been the same. For two days afterwards I felt kind of fuzzy, but mellow and pleasant...like comfortable fog. Then I started to feel sort of manic for awhile- desperate and impatient and like I really really wanted something but I wasn't sure what exactly. Then the depression hit and I haven't been able to snap out of it since.
Like I mentioned in a few of my past posts, I used to suffer from severe depression that almost completely went away after I started using mushrooms. I haven't tripped in about two months now and have been fine though I lost a little of that giddy shiney feeling I had when I tripped every other week. But then I took the E and now I'm terrified I screwed myself over badly. I'm so scared it's going to get worse.
I guess I got carried away after I started feeling better. I thought I could handle a single pill after all those intense trips I've experienced but I guess not. I started really partying for the first time in my life and it felt so amazing to actually enjoy myself but now all I feel is intense emptiness and loneliness. I'm trying to remember everything I was excited about before but I can't make myself feel it. I did get stoned last night and I felt better for awhile. I just hung out with a friend and we laughed a lot. But now I'm right back to that heartbreak.
Now...is this all part of the comedown of E or is this the old monster of my own screwed up psyche returning to say hello?
The easy solution is to try tripping again but I won't be able to for at least another week or two. I'm scared even that won't help now. I don't want to have to depend on substances to be able to stand. Maybe I should stop messing with everything altogether.
I am so incredibly confused and sad right now. Again, it's a little embarrassing for me to post this, but this forum has been so extremely useful to me in the past and I guess I'm hoping I could get some thoughts from someone with a bit more experience.
I really feel like an idiot right now...
-------------------- "I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana
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DeathCompany
Oneironaut
Registered: 03/16/05
Posts: 12,662
Loc: Somewhere in my head
Last seen: 1 year, 22 days
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No need to feel like an idiot lots of us have been there including myself. Your experiencing a suicide Tuesday only that its lasting a long time. If you wait it out you will be fine it just takes some time. Id lay off smoking weed or any other drug until you feel better and doing shrooms while depressed is a big no no. Wait till you feel better, it will pass. I recommend going to your local grocery store and buying some 5htp, it helps fight depression better that most Rx.
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sadspacemonkey
!universe!
Registered: 11/01/06
Posts: 376
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: Is it the X or is it just me? [Re: DeathCompany]
#6609292 - 02/25/07 04:30 PM (17 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
DeathCompany said: No need to feel like an idiot lots of us have been there including myself. Your experiencing a suicide Tuesday only that its lasting a long time. If you wait it out you will be fine it just takes some time. Id lay off smoking weed or any other drug until you feel better and doing shrooms while depressed is a big no no. Wait till you feel better, it will pass. I recommend going to your local grocery store and buying some 5htp, it helps fight depression better that most Rx.
I really hope it's just an extended come down...I can survive this I just have to stop freaking and thinking it's the beginning of another black hole era.
I heard about 5htp I might have to pick some up tomorrow..thanks!
-------------------- "I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana
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Mushouse
Mycomancer
Registered: 06/26/06
Posts: 500
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You said something about your life story. Could you have brought up troubles from the past?
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itsdatpurp
Stranger
Registered: 12/01/06
Posts: 138
Last seen: 17 years, 6 days
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Quote:
sadspacemonkey said:
Quote:
DeathCompany said: No need to feel like an idiot lots of us have been there including myself. Your experiencing a suicide Tuesday only that its lasting a long time. If you wait it out you will be fine it just takes some time. Id lay off smoking weed or any other drug until you feel better and doing shrooms while depressed is a big no no. Wait till you feel better, it will pass. I recommend going to your local grocery store and buying some 5htp, it helps fight depression better that most Rx.
I really hope it's just an extended come down...I can survive this I just have to stop freaking and thinking it's the beginning of another black hole era.
I heard about 5htp I might have to pick some up tomorrow..thanks!
MAN UP.
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sadspacemonkey
!universe!
Registered: 11/01/06
Posts: 376
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: Is it the X or is it just me? [Re: Mushouse]
#6609659 - 02/25/07 06:12 PM (17 years, 1 month ago) |
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Hrmmm nah...I've already faced the demons I was mentioning. If anything, exposing myself to the person I was with threw me off.
But definitely a good point.. just pretty sure it's not the case here.
-------------------- "I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana
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sadspacemonkey
!universe!
Registered: 11/01/06
Posts: 376
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: Is it the X or is it just me? [Re: itsdatpurp]
#6609705 - 02/25/07 06:22 PM (17 years, 1 month ago) |
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WOMAN UP in my case, but whatever.
I realize I sound totally weak and emo and lame right now. I can deal with that if it means I get some good advice in the process.
I've done the whole 'sheer force of will' thing and dealt with all sorts of horrible crap silently on my own.
Now I honestly don't want to go through it again and I want something to make it easier.
Maybe I won't pick up the supplements. I really don't know yet. I'm hoping it'll be brighter by tomorrow.
-------------------- "I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder
Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
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I agree with DeathCompany. Knock off the drugs and try the 5-HTP to build up your serotonin level. High dose (GNC B-150) B vitamins couldn't hurt either (from an Orthomolecular psychiatric stance). After you've tried the supplements, if you don't get sufficient relief, it might be time to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation and possible anti-depressant meds to get you through this unstable time. Meds are not for life.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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distgre1
...
Registered: 05/10/05
Posts: 831
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
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drink a lot milk for essential proteins for biosynthesis
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Cracka_X
Spiritual Dirt Worshipper
Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 8,808
Loc: Swamp
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I'm no expert but here's my 2 cents...
First off, if these feelings all hit you during your trip then they must be pretty dominant in your mind or at least something you're aware of.
Being on E will speed you up, along with your thought process, and give you that intense pleasure. I hate to say that I wouldn't try E again if you associate that mental pain with that pleasure, or at least do it with someone else. That's one drug that shouldn't be done alone. It's the ulitmate social, move around drug.
The shitty depressed feeling... E releases all or most of the serotonin in your brain. Serotonin is involved with regulating your mood and that would explain why ppl feel so shitty/depressed/down afterwards... aside from being burned up by the speedlike effect.
As mentioned above, get some 5-HTP. It's a precursor to serotonin so it should hasten the recovery and make you feel better, mentally. You can find it anywhere... walmart, gnc..CVS...
I've heard SAM-e has similar effects of 5-HTP.
And if you havn't already, which I'm sure you have, get sleep. You could supplement yourself out the wazoo but sleep will be greatest factor in recovery.
...if you wanna go one more step get some melatonin, dirt cheap, take some of that before sleep and it should be a deeper, more refreshing sleep.
As for the feelings of your life..... Be positive, don't fight, don't think too hard, and let go. 5-HTP is also used as a low-level anti-depressent. maybe take it regularly for a week or 2 and see how ya feel.
best of luck and much love
-------------------- The best way to live is to be like water For water benefits all things and goes against none of them It provides for all people and even cleanses those places a man is loath to go In this way it is just like Tao ~Daodejing
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imagine
Psychic
Registered: 09/24/05
Posts: 758
Loc: CA
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
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Re: Is it the X or is it just me? [Re: Cracka_X]
#6611563 - 02/26/07 04:49 AM (17 years, 1 month ago) |
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i personally do not believe in taking any form of meds or anti-depressants.
i have been in the same hole as you and what else i have been in just like you, is going through it again.
i did coke twice this weekend for the first time 2 years. the last time i did it i entered an era of being depressed mixed with anxiety. i had gotten over it. that's what helped me this time taking a drug... knowing that i had been in that hole before.
you don't forget what you learn. just know it's the drug and of course there is a comedown, especially with e. that's a pretty hard drug.
you're not going to be perfectly normal after doing a drug. there are consquences and you must realize and prepare your mind for the comedown.
you'll be better in no time.
you've gone through this before. it's impossible to fall back...you will keep moving forward. doing e just suspended it for a few.
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Cracka_X
Spiritual Dirt Worshipper
Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 8,808
Loc: Swamp
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Re: Is it the X or is it just me? [Re: imagine]
#6611774 - 02/26/07 08:15 AM (17 years, 1 month ago) |
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The human body is amazing at healing itself.
-------------------- The best way to live is to be like water For water benefits all things and goes against none of them It provides for all people and even cleanses those places a man is loath to go In this way it is just like Tao ~Daodejing
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sadspacemonkey
!universe!
Registered: 11/01/06
Posts: 376
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: Is it the X or is it just me? [Re: Cracka_X]
#6611855 - 02/26/07 08:50 AM (17 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Cracka_X said:
Being on E will speed you up, along with your thought process, and give you that intense pleasure. I hate to say that I wouldn't try E again if you associate that mental pain with that pleasure, or at least do it with someone else. That's one drug that shouldn't be done alone. It's the ulitmate social, move around drug.
I actually didn't do it alone. I was with someone who I thought was a friend- I guess it was stupid of me to think of him as a friend when I barely knew him. Thinking back now, it's kind of funny how naive I was in that moment. We were alone..just came back from a party and he breaks out the E and I wasn't suspicious at all.
Honestly, I was perfectly aware that it screws with serotonin which is why for the longest time I swore I wouldn't do it. But when it was there just staring at me in the face, such a tiny, harmless looking pill promising such good feelings with someone I wanted to get to know (as a person, not as a cheap fuck) I gave in. I knew there would be a price to pay, I read about the come downs, but I didn't think it would hit me so hard, honestly. I thought I could handle a day or two of feeling shitty, but this whole experience has been prolonged beyond expectation.
Add to that he tried to stick his hand down my pants while we were rolling but somehow I still had enough control to stop it even while I was peaking like mad- thank god, since I haven't really heard from him since.
I guess part of the whole downfall was realizing that yet AGAIN a guy I thought was really cool and wanted to get to know me as a human being isn't that interested unless I happen to be in his face with my legs spread open. This has been happening a lot...
I left all that out before 1) It hurt too much to type out 2) I feel like a total idiot
I can write about it now because I actually feel much, much better today. After I made that post last night a friend called and he freaked when I heard how bad I sounded and came right over. (I'm lucky, I know.) While he was on his way I ate some cheese and crackers and leftover rice and beans which strangely made a huge difference and then having my friend looking out for me just helped even more...
Things are definitely better today, though I'm not quite 100%. I really appreciate all the advice. I'm going to really try and look out for my health- the sleep thing is a biggie since I usually don't get much. I'm taking some vitamins now but will probably hold off on the 5-HTP for now unless it gets really bad again.
I really, seriously underestimated E. It's a learning experience, I guess.
I read through and appreciate all the advice and wisdom. It will be put in good use.
-------------------- "I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana
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redtailedhawk
Explorer of the Mystery
Registered: 11/24/04
Posts: 559
Loc: The Old Continent
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I think most of us here have been in your shoes. Overwhelmed with psychedelic after-effects, thinking we've lost it for good, wondering what the hell went wrong. But almost all of us returned to normal in days, weeks or months after the effects of the drug wore off.
As some people have already suggested, get some 5-HTP or L-tryptophan and try it out for a few days. This is not a drug, but one of the amino acids that you can find readily available in food, although OTC supplements of this amino acid are more recommended because the concentration of this amino acid in food is poor. 5-HTP or L-tryptophan will restore the serotonin levels in your brain that MDMA (E, X) used up. This alone might get you back on your feet in just a few days. Really, it's the best thing you can do.
MDMA is a psychedelic drug that can bring up a lot of suppressed material up from the unconsciousness. If this material is not resolved and integrated during the session itself it might become the source of depression, anxiety or psychotic symptoms later on, even when the effects of the drug wears off. One of the ways to resolve this is to get back on the horse - that is to have another session in a safe and therapeutic environment and to work through the issues that were not successfully resolved in the original session. This approach is more risky though and it's really important to have someone by your side who knows how to handle this. If you find that 5-htp doesn't resolve your symptoms I suggest you find yourself a Holotropic Breathwork Practioner in your area, that will help you resolve this issues in a few sessions.
Good luck and remember; you will get better although it may not seem so at this time. All the best.
-------------------- "Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."
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