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Offlinewearejellyfish
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suicidal attraction
    #6564308 - 02/13/07 07:38 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

so for a few years now, i have had suicidal thoughts. about every day, maybe skip a few days, but it usually always crosses my mind.
it's not really like, god i hate my life, i'm going to just fucking kill myself.
it's kind of like, it's just the way it's going to be. when i'm totally ready, i'm for it.
i always think of different ways i'd kill myself as well.
and my best friend and i would always chat online or in person about different ways to die or how we'd die and we'd talk about doing it together.
he was the only one i could ever feel comfortable enough to talk about that with and not have to worry about him freaking out that i'm talking about suicide, mostly because, he, as well, thought the same way as me.
but then a year ago, february 21, 2006, he mixed two different pills that shouldn't have been mixed. and passed away.
it was an accident.
he was into all sorts of drugs and pills. he knew what he was doing, but since he's done so much shit, he didn't think that would be the one to kill him.
but it did.
and that was that.
that's as far as i want to get into it.. because this is besides the point of this post..

and now that i don't have my best friend to talk about death anymore with, i feel like it's building up so much inside.. but there's no one i can talk about that with.
and it's not like i want to talk to some therapist or something about this, i would never ever admit to someone i know personally, that i think about suicide, especially on a daily basis.
i don't want to stop, i don't mind it. it's not like i've tried to commit, and i'm not going to until i know it's the complete end for me.
but i've got a while.

also, anytime i hear about a suicide, i always find myself attracted to it, and i want to find out more information about this person's life.

anyway. i guess i'm kind of just wondering, is there anybody else that thinks this way?
i know there has to be, it'd be nice to know i have some company.


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Offlinevigilant_mind
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564343 - 02/13/07 07:47 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

I used to. I am open to discussion if you would like.


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: vigilant_mind]
    #6564357 - 02/13/07 07:49 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

used to? what changed?


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OfflineXtals
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564364 - 02/13/07 07:50 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

I contemplated suicide for about 8 months, years ago. I had a specific plan (was going to drink 750 mL of vodka, take 1500 mg of DXM and jump off the local bridge). A few times I actually decided to go ahead an do it, then changed my mind on the way. I came pretty close and it's not a period in my life that I'm fond of remembering. I haven't had those thoughts in years, however (and I'm very glad of that).


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Offlinevigilant_mind
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564379 - 02/13/07 07:53 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Someone who is contemplating suicide usually has a very materialistic viewpoint of the world. I was one of those people. It took time, but what changed my mind was the underlying potential I had within me that I was yet to discover. Also, I took a good hard look at reality and compared my problems to others' problems. Most of the time things really aren't as bad as they seem.


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OfflineXtals
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: vigilant_mind]
    #6564402 - 02/13/07 07:59 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Someone who is contemplating suicide usually has a very materialistic viewpoint of the world.

I really disagree with that. Many suicides have mystical beliefs about the world. Where are you getting this info?


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: vigilant_mind]
    #6564403 - 02/13/07 08:00 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Great post. Usually someone who is contemplating suicide as come to a specific conclusion concerning the nature of reality. Typically (obviously), it is a negative conclusion, one that would bring one to consider removing their experience of life itself.

I think that the realistic situations in which one is considering suicide involve great amounts of suffering. Ultimately, it is one's own decision, but, personally, I like to work at dissolving boundaries on who I am and what I am to accomplish, and to kill myself would be to inflict the greatest limitation and boundary of all on myself.

The simple fact that we are alive, breathing, and experiencing this... this, thing, this phenomenon, is so extraordinary that, if you really think about it and the nature of the fact, its just so amazing, and I'd like to partake in this experience as much as I can. The reality of life is that this moment is fleeting, and we will come to an end. I just don't think I should bring it upon myself when there is so much possibillity for growth, development, and new experiences. :shrug:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: vigilant_mind]
    #6564405 - 02/13/07 08:00 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

yeah, there are always so many other people that have it worse.
but i don't even think about that. i kind of just feel like i've got nothing left going for me.

anyway, would it be a bad idea to do certain drugs alone? i wouldn't want to try to kill myself while my mind is being altered by drugs.. i was thinking about taking dxm in my dorm room by myself within the next week, would i try to do anything shitty to myself?

oh, i've also been cutting for over three years, i don't even go near the wrists anymore, i just do the rest of my body, i try staying away from my arms so i don't have to worry about people seeing, but i've been wearing a jacket for as long as i've been cutting anyway.
i'd be worried i might try to cut myself and not know how it truly feels if i'm on some certain drug, and make the razor go a bit too deep.
should i get a sitter whenever i do a new drug?


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564408 - 02/13/07 08:01 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Why would you cut yourself? What do you gain in doing so?


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinevigilant_mind
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: fireworks_god]
    #6564413 - 02/13/07 08:02 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

I really disagree with that. Many suicides have mystical beliefs about the world. Where are you getting this info?




From my own experience and the last few days before my father committed suicide. Also from reading I've done on psychology, mainly Aaron Beck's Cognitive Therapy of Depression.


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: fireworks_god]
    #6564415 - 02/13/07 08:03 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

fireworks_god said:
The simple fact that we are alive, breathing, and experiencing this... this, thing, this phenomenon, is so extraordinary that, if you really think about it and the nature of the fact, its just so amazing, and I'd like to partake in this experience as much as I can. The reality of life is that this moment is fleeting, and we will come to an end. I just don't think I should bring it upon myself when there is so much possibillity for growth, development, and new experiences. :shrug:




i wish that was the way i thought.


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Offlinevigilant_mind
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564427 - 02/13/07 08:06 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

i wish that was the way i thought.

That is precisely the issue. You're recurrent suicidal cognitions are what are making you revolve around the idea of dying.

I am not a psychologist and I am not a psychiatrist, but I feel it is my duty to recommend that you at least visit a therapist at least once. It's remarkable how much you will learn, how much your mind will change. Trust me, I have 4 years of solid psychotherapy to show for it.


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Offlinemattymonkey
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564430 - 02/13/07 08:07 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

wearejellyfish said:

i wish that was the way i thought.




then you are on your way..


--------------------
"listening for the secret.. searching for the sound.."


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: fireworks_god]
    #6564432 - 02/13/07 08:07 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

fireworks_god said:
Why would you cut yourself? What do you gain in doing so?




sometimes i get really freaked out. stress out, heart speeds up, get nautious and shaky.
cutting calms me down instantly.

it's kind of ironic how i HATE violence, and HATE blood or anyone or anything else.
but i don't mind it on myself at all.
i usually do designs, not just lines, it just helps me. and i have no intent to stop really, because i don't think it's such a big deal since i stay away from major veins.


it's my self medication i guess.


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564451 - 02/13/07 08:13 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

I would suggest finding another avenue through which to relieve stress, as the one that you have chosen is not an action that is sustainable. One needs to learn to manage stress first, before one can become aware of the root causes that produce it.

The first act is to find something else to relieve it. It might not be a big deal, since you stay away from major veins, yet you were just stating that you were concerned that you might go too far if you were on a drug. Also, if you have been contemplating suicide, then perhaps one day you might have a particuarily shitty day, moreso than usual, thus, more stress, and you might feel compelled to take it a step further in order to "relieve more stress".

Honestly. What else could you do to relieve stress? I'm sure there is something that you could think of that would work. What do you think?


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564461 - 02/13/07 08:16 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

wearejellyfish said:
I wish that was the way i thought.




You should consider trying out a simple exercise quick. Just try it out, and tell me what happens.

Take what you quoted me as saying, and say it yourself. Say it out loud, simply read it in your mind, maybe both. When you say the parts that say "I", don't think of me, think of yourself as "I".

Observe your other thoughts that will happen, before and after, and post them here. I know it might sound stupid but try it out. I'd love to know what happens. :thumbup:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: vigilant_mind]
    #6564486 - 02/13/07 08:22 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

vigilant_mind said:
I am not a psychologist and I am not a psychiatrist, but I feel it is my duty to recommend that you at least visit a therapist at least once. It's remarkable how much you will learn, how much your mind will change. Trust me, I have 4 years of solid psychotherapy to show for it.




i've gone before, but never willingly, my parents had forced me, but now that i'm 18, they can't. anyway, they never knew about my cutting or suicidal thoughts of course.
i keep quiet about it to everyone.

i just don't want them trying to give me prescriptions of antidepressants, because i've been on a few, and i've hated them all.


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: fireworks_god]
    #6564496 - 02/13/07 08:24 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

fireworks_god said:
Quote:

wearejellyfish said:
I wish that was the way i thought.




You should consider trying out a simple exercise quick. Just try it out, and tell me what happens.

Take what you quoted me as saying, and say it yourself. Say it out loud, simply read it in your mind, maybe both. When you say the parts that say "I", don't think of me, think of yourself as "I".

Observe your other thoughts that will happen, before and after, and post them here. I know it might sound stupid but try it out. I'd love to know what happens. :thumbup:




it's kind of like i can't get myself to believe any of that just by telling that to myself.
i feel like i have to have an actual life changing experience, maybe from a drug, or maybe from another human being.


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Offlinevigilant_mind
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: fireworks_god]
    #6564502 - 02/13/07 08:25 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Observe your other thoughts that will happen, before and after, and post them here. I know it might sound stupid but try it out. I'd love to know what happens




This is exactly what Aaron Beck talks about in Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Anytime we react to a situation, we harbor automatic thoughts. These thoughts yield a certain emotion which contributes to our mood. The trick is to catch your automatic thoughts and to alter your thinking into a more objective and realistic viewpoint.


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564508 - 02/13/07 08:27 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

I'm not asking you to believe it. I'm simply interested in what happens when you say it or think it. What else do you think? I'd like to know specifically what you are telling yourself in response to those thoughts.

I know what you are talking about, my friend. I'm not proposing any simple answers, just interested in making some observations. What are you thinking? :wink:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinevigilant_mind
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: vigilant_mind]
    #6564532 - 02/13/07 08:33 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:


i just don't want them trying to give me prescriptions of antidepressants, because i've been on a few, and i've hated them all.




You don't have to do anything they tell you to. Remember, cooperation is completely up to you.

In my opinion, antidepressants result in a pyrrhic victory. They may medicate some of the symptoms of depression but largely cause more harm than good. This is not true for everyone (which many of you voracious debaters may tell me after I post this). What is most effective in helping with depression and suicide is psychotherapy, and I am specifically referring to Cognitive-Behavioral therapies.

From one human to another, realize that life is fragile; it is finite; it only happens once. If you take your life you are making a huge gamble on what comes next. I am not a psychologist and I am not a psychiatrist, I am just one person telling another that no matter what you're going through, someone else somewhere in the world has worked through it. Although right now all seems meaningless and hopeless, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just can't see it yet.


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: vigilant_mind]
    #6564561 - 02/13/07 08:39 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

i wish i found someone at my school that thought the same way i do.

i miss not having my best friend.
i feel really fucking lost without him..

i don't think i'll ever be able to find someone like him, it's not like i'd ever want to replace him, but having a friend that's on the same level as me would still be nice.
but i've only lived here in oregon, going to this university since late september, and i am picky with who i want to hang out with, and picky with who i want to talk to, also being a bit antisocial, therefore i don't really have any friends here, yet? that i can talk to about real things.
and i only hope i can find someone real soon.
i just don't know how to go on about it?
it usually just has to 'happen'.


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564649 - 02/13/07 09:00 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Well, the best approach might be to not be as selective as to who you might talk to. You have nothing to lose as far as talking to anyone goes, and if the type of person you are interested in meeting is a rare find, then you'll need to start talking to a lot of people to increase your chances of finding them. :wink:

The cool thing about talking to people is that you'll learn about them and yourself in the process.


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: fireworks_god]
    #6564748 - 02/13/07 09:30 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

that's true.
the only people i really talk to are people in my hall. i don't really have the ability to talk to many people in my classes.
i should try going to more school held activities.. like.. outdoor program stuff.
i think i should start doing that to meet more people..


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OfflineMrBuzin
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564782 - 02/13/07 09:43 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

i can tell you one thing... antidepressants wont do shit... most depression isn't a chemical imbalence, it's the shit in your life, andobstacles the obstacles to be overcome. i'm still working on both. sometimes your will does get weak yes... but i am one, to believe, every human goes through these times, some more some less


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OfflineViveka
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564895 - 02/13/07 10:13 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

i don't want to stop, i don't mind it. it's not like i've tried to commit, and i'm not going to until i know it's the complete end for me.
but i've got a while.




So at this point, the simple fact is you're not interested in changing this attitude or behavior. I doesn't matter whatever solid advice is given to you, like the suggestions in this thread from FG and others, because for now, you don't want to change.
You're looking for someone to indulge in this mood with you. You seem to understand that life holds a lot more value than you're willing to give it credit for, but for now, you are enjoying this attitude, so you maintain the same self-destructive inner dialogue and you aren't interested in changing your awareness in any way, unless it contributes to your seductive mood of "suicidal attraction". It is self-indulgence and you probably won't change unless you decide to stop indulging.


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Offlinefireworks_godS
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: Viveka]
    #6564955 - 02/13/07 10:32 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Clearly someone who is contemplating suicide is going through some difficult times, regardless of what is causing it or what choices they are making. Honest, straight-up good advice might sound very reasonable and practical to those who are not in the situation, yet to those who are suffering it is not the same.

This thread perhaps might be better suited for the Physical and Mental Well-Being forum, yet the original poster did post it here, and I feel that the responses that they are receiving are quality and beneficial. I would like to see this thread continue here, so I think it would be appropriate to reference an aspect of the P&MWB rules. As a preventive action, these hereby apply to this thread. :wink:

Quote:


That being said, please take a look at our Forum Guidelines for some general use rules pertaining to how one should behave in this forum. It should go without saying that we must take caution in how we react to other's deep inner emotions. Tactless, careless, and otherwise negative behavior will not be tolerated in this forum. This forum is designed to help improve our lives, and negativity certainly won't help many reach their desired comfort level. So keep that in mind and post thoughtfully and respectfully.




I'm not stating that anyone who has already posted is in violation of these rules, but simply ensuring that this situation is handled appropriately. If anyone has any concerns or objections to this, I can just as easily move the thread to that forum and leave a link here, which is what I will probably do anyways once discussion here starts to slow down. :grin:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you

:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:


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Offlinesadspacemonkey
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6564983 - 02/13/07 10:44 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

In my experience, suicidal thoughts can be strangely comforting and addictive. I used to have them every single day, researched a number of overly complicated methods as a hobby, daydreamed the comfort I would feel when it was finally over, etc etc..

It's a difficult thing to wrap your head around if you've never experienced this. Depression totally warps perception and disables the very strength and hope you need to pull yourself out. I totally understand missing/craving a friend who understands the logic that grows out of being in near constant pain.

When I was on anti-depressants, they kept me together enough to function..therapy is only as useful as the skill of your therapist- I've seen a number and most of them were not helpful at all, but if you find someone you click with, hold on tight.

I agree getting outside and getting active can help. Throwing yourself into something creative can be great if you can manage it.

I also agree that part of the problem is getting stuck in certain thoughts- habits of thinking that can be extremely powerful. Maybe affirmations would help you, though they did little for me. Paying attention to what triggers you and the various patterns of your mood can help put you on guard against all that bad stuff.

Not sure if any of that helps..I'm really sorry for your loss and I wish you the best. :heart:


--------------------

"I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: sadspacemonkey]
    #6565142 - 02/13/07 11:45 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

sadspacemonkey said:
In my experience, suicidal thoughts can be strangely comforting and addictive. I used to have them every single day, researched a number of overly complicated methods as a hobby, daydreamed the comfort I would feel when it was finally over, etc etc..

It's a difficult thing to wrap your head around if you've never experienced this. Depression totally warps perception and disables the very strength and hope you need to pull yourself out. I totally understand missing/craving a friend who understands the logic that grows out of being in near constant pain.

When I was on anti-depressants, they kept me together enough to function..therapy is only as useful as the skill of your therapist- I've seen a number and most of them were not helpful at all, but if you find someone you click with, hold on tight.

I agree getting outside and getting active can help. Throwing yourself into something creative can be great if you can manage it.

I also agree that part of the problem is getting stuck in certain thoughts- habits of thinking that can be extremely powerful. Maybe affirmations would help you, though they did little for me. Paying attention to what triggers you and the various patterns of your mood can help put you on guard against all that bad stuff.

Not sure if any of that helps..I'm really sorry for your loss and I wish you the best. :heart:



totally agree man. depression is a killer, even if the hopes are right in front of you, you're oblivious to it.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: sadspacemonkey]
    #6565144 - 02/13/07 11:47 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

as soon as spring hits here, i'll hopefully be outside every day photographing. outside in nature's beauty seems to be the place i feel most comfortable.
and although it would be amazing to have someone to experience the same feelings of the outdoors as me, i'm most likely going to go to these places alone, which is okay, for now, i guess.

When I was on anti-depressants, they kept me together enough to function
what made you stop taking them?


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: Xtals]
    #6565150 - 02/13/07 11:49 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Xtals said:
I contemplated suicide for about 8 months, years ago. I had a specific plan (was going to drink 750 mL of vodka, take 1500 mg of DXM and jump off the local bridge). A few times I actually decided to go ahead an do it, then changed my mind on the way. I came pretty close and it's not a period in my life that I'm fond of remembering. I haven't had those thoughts in years, however (and I'm very glad of that).



yeah man i had a suicidal idea about a week ago. i was gonna get a lot of morphine pills, buy a half gallon from my friend and extract some dxm. i was gonna cover myself in gasoline, drink the alcohol and dxm extract and when i start to feel its onset(would be quick i was thinking about taking a killer high dose of both) i would rail the morphine try to hang on for a little bit than strike a lighter... like i said it was all day dream and it was last week when i was really in the slumps, i doubt i would of followed through with it, i still have hope, and i feel better this week.

if you're feeling like commiting suicide, always wait a week, tell yourself this. you'll be surprised.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MrBuzin]
    #6565162 - 02/13/07 11:54 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

the covering yourself in gasoline always reminds me of that part in waking life, where some guy did so.


the way i think would be the best for me would be to do it skydiving, before i hit the ground.. i'd eat a bunch of pills, whatever i thought would do the job of making me feel infinite or something.. i'd jump out of the plane, open the parachute, float around for a bit, to enjoy the sky. then cut the parachute.
of course, though, i'd have to find a sneakier way of doing all that.

i want to get a skydiving liscense. but skydiving cost a megaload.. the first two times i have to do tandem, but then six solos until i can get a liscense.. god, imagine it, i could fucking skydive anywhere i wanted with a liscense basically..


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OfflineMrBuzin
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565191 - 02/14/07 12:02 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

wearejellyfish said:
the covering yourself in gasoline always reminds me of that part in waking life, where some guy did so.


the way i think would be the best for me would be to do it skydiving, before i hit the ground.. i'd eat a bunch of pills, whatever i thought would do the job of making me feel infinite or something.. i'd jump out of the plane, open the parachute, float around for a bit, to enjoy the sky. then cut the parachute.
of course, though, i'd have to find a sneakier way of doing all that.

i want to get a skydiving liscense. but skydiving cost a megaload.. the first two times i have to do tandem, but then six solos until i can get a liscense.. god, imagine it, i could fucking skydive anywhere i wanted with a liscense basically..



hehe creativity... see, use your creativity to create art, do something, be something, floating by is the number one killer in people with depression. but if you're content with that, that's fine, but then i wouldn't see a reason to be depressed. if it you give it a try you'll start to see differences, differences lead to more, think of it like the oppisote of a downward spiral. not trying to assume anything about you.

and just remember, you're not alone my friend. lots of people have been in your shoes and gotten through it.

edit: by the way where in oregon do you live? i live in tigard... next to portland


Edited by MrBuzin (02/14/07 12:03 AM)


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Offlinewearejellyfish
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MrBuzin]
    #6565242 - 02/14/07 12:16 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

yeah photography seems to be the only thing i truly care about, that and travelling, but i can't do so much travelling yet.

i live in eugene, i attend university of oregon.
i came here from florida. complete change of everything.
unfortunately all those changes didn't really change me.
at least i can actually go outside without sweating within five minutes, like in florida.


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Re: suicidal attraction *DELETED* [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565256 - 02/14/07 12:20 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Post deleted by bradleycny

Reason for deletion: drunken regrets



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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565274 - 02/14/07 12:24 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

wearejellyfish said:
yeah photography seems to be the only thing i truly care about, that and travelling, but i can't do so much travelling yet.

i live in eugene, i attend university of oregon.
i came here from florida. complete change of everything.
unfortunately all those changes didn't really change me.
at least i can actually go outside without sweating within five minutes, like in florida.



awesome man, keep at it, get yourself a partner if you don't already have one

nice, eugene has some crazy people living there... okay... during the summer me and my friend went down there to stay with his brother thats going to university of oregon, we stayed at his apartment. later that night we both ate a half 8th on a pizza, smoked fat weed, and decided to go exploring. i saw a lot of tweakers, people randomly starting conversations with us, and when we walked by the hospital, on the other side of the street, i hear yelling from above and i look up and some guy is yelling "leave me alone or i'm gonna jump!" and kept screaming all sorts of stuff... i yelled back up "come down here... wait.. no.. not this way.. go down the stairs and walk to the hospital they can treat ya" we left dunno what happened to him.. way different vibes than here

point of the story

maybe, i thought it was all weird (besides the jumper dude) because i was on mushrooms :P


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MrBuzin]
    #6565289 - 02/14/07 12:28 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

MrBuzin said:
awesome man, keep at it, get yourself a partner if you don't already have one

nice, eugene has some crazy people living there... okay... during the summer me and my friend went down there to stay with his brother thats going to university of oregon, we stayed at his apartment. later that night we both ate a half 8th on a pizza, smoked fat weed, and decided to go exploring. i saw a lot of tweakers, people randomly starting conversations with us, and when we walked by the hospital, on the other side of the street, i hear yelling from above and i look up and some guy is yelling "leave me alone or i'm gonna jump!" and kept screaming all sorts of stuff... i yelled back up "come down here... no not this way go down the stairs and walk to the hospital they can treat ya" way different vibes than here

point of the story

maybe, i thought it was all weird (besides the jumper dude) because i was on mushrooms :P




yeah since i like exploring a lot, it would probably better to find someone else to come with me.. my dad isn't too keen when he finds out i'm going to these forests or meadows by myself.
and as an 18 year old girl, he's probably right for the most part.

people can get really weird here, like, creepy old guys.
but besides that, people are usually really nice.
are you going to school up in tigard?


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: Epigallo]
    #6565293 - 02/14/07 12:29 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

bradleycny said:
i think about it, i think everyone must. don't take my words too seriously. the way i see it is that i've gotten this far; to the point of contemplation. nah don't throw it away. it's everything, love is so deep, as deep, deeper, and deeper. I love you, deeper and deeper, how I love. I realize. Too late to throw it away. That's all.

what a dream this is

this is wonderful




i'm still waiting to feel that love.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565569 - 02/14/07 02:48 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

wearejellyfish said:
so for a few years now, i have had suicidal thoughts. about every day, maybe skip a few days, but it usually always crosses my mind.
it's not really like, god i hate my life, i'm going to just fucking kill myself.
it's kind of like, it's just the way it's going to be. when i'm totally ready, i'm for it.
i always think of different ways i'd kill myself as well.
and my best friend and i would always chat online or in person about different ways to die or how we'd die and we'd talk about doing it together.
he was the only one i could ever feel comfortable enough to talk about that with and not have to worry about him freaking out that i'm talking about suicide, mostly because, he, as well, thought the same way as me.
but then a year ago, february 21, 2006, he mixed two different pills that shouldn't have been mixed. and passed away.
it was an accident.
he was into all sorts of drugs and pills. he knew what he was doing, but since he's done so much shit, he didn't think that would be the one to kill him.
but it did.
and that was that.
that's as far as i want to get into it.. because this is besides the point of this post..

and now that i don't have my best friend to talk about death anymore with, i feel like it's building up so much inside.. but there's no one i can talk about that with.
and it's not like i want to talk to some therapist or something about this, i would never ever admit to someone i know personally, that i think about suicide, especially on a daily basis.
i don't want to stop, i don't mind it. it's not like i've tried to commit, and i'm not going to until i know it's the complete end for me.
but i've got a while.

also, anytime i hear about a suicide, i always find myself attracted to it, and i want to find out more information about this person's life.

anyway. i guess i'm kind of just wondering, is there anybody else that thinks this way?
i know there has to be, it'd be nice to know i have some company.





I'm the same way. There really isn't anything wrong with my life at all. I'm attending a university, good grades, a couple close friends, hobbies etc, overall just pretty content. I also have a friend who feels/thinks the same as me and it is nice to have someone to talk to. We are pretty introverted/antisocial and like to just sit and talk about random stuff (philosophy, psychology, sociology). We both always talk about how meaningless life is and talk about suicide a lot. Our conversations usually start with some observation about ourselves or other people then we keep analyzing it deeper and deeper and pretty much everytime we both end up being like 'meh i just want to die'. I guess we both don't really like the world we live in too much.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: Nova]
    #6565607 - 02/14/07 03:07 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Nova said:
I'm the same way. There really isn't anything wrong with my life at all. I'm attending a university, good grades, a couple close friends, hobbies etc, overall just pretty content. I also have a friend who feels/thinks the same as me and it is nice to have someone to talk to. We are pretty introverted/antisocial and like to just sit and talk about random stuff (philosophy, psychology, sociology). We both always talk about how meaningless life is and talk about suicide a lot. Our conversations usually start with some observation about ourselves or other people then we keep analyzing it deeper and deeper and pretty much everytime we both end up being like 'meh i just want to die'. I guess we both don't really like the world we live in too much.




exactly.
you are very lucky to be able to have that person to talk about all that with you right now.

that sounds like how my bestfriend and i were too.
mm the memories.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565611 - 02/14/07 03:17 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

You know, I'm living in Florida right now and would much rather be in Oregon. I went snowboarding at Mt Hood once and loved it. Very beautiful out there. JellyFish do you snowboard? If you don't then I would highly recomend learning. I don't know what ski resorts are near you, but I know Mt Bachelor and some other Oregon places get copious amounts of powder. Taking a run on a bluebird day in bottomless powder is heaven on earth and once you've experienced that then you always have a reason not to want to die. I highly recomend it. But whether it's snowboarding or whatever, it's passion and love that make life worth living. Also, I buy into the buddhist perspective on suffering: All of our suffering is caused from attachement. And the attachement can be anything. Love, hate, food, fear, music etc. Circular patterns of thought develop around the attachments that enslave us. The practice of Buddhism frees us from these attachements. There is a lot more to say about all of that though, so I would suggest reading up on it if you are interested. Oh, and I know I kinda contradicted myself with the passion and love is what we live for and then "attachement causes dispair." Well, make of it what you will. The world is full of paradox.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MasFina]
    #6565614 - 02/14/07 03:19 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

what part of florida? i lived in orlando..

i've never been snowboarding, but i hope to sometime soon.

i think i should start reading more into buddhism.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565624 - 02/14/07 03:31 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Right down the street in Tampa. I've been down here for almost 2 years now. Moved here from WI. Moving out west as soon as I get my finance degree. Thinkin Tahoe, which probably really means Sacramento, but we'll see. Pleeeez try snowboarding. You will love it once you learn. You live in a sick location for it too. Buddhism can really start changing your life right away if you conciously apply it to your life and begin meditating daily. There are a zillion books on it. I recently watched a great lecture on buddhism by Robert Thurman, which is the leading American Buddhist scholar, and it was very good. I got it off of Blockbuster online. He has several DVD lectures I think. It would be a quick intro if you don't want to read a book right away. You could probably youtube it too.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MasFina]
    #6565649 - 02/14/07 04:19 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

i'll definitely try to find that video. thanks.


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Offlineflower_child
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565673 - 02/14/07 04:40 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

I hope this hasn't been suggested. I'm shot on time and just skimmed this thread. However, I suggest that since you're unable to to talk to your friend about death anymore, you take up a hobby in which you can express those feelings.

You could write poems, short stories, or even novels. Whatever takes your fancy. You could also do some type of art or drawing.
If you're musically inclined, you could even take up songwriting. That's a great way to express your feelings.

Other than that, I suggest finding any sort of hobby that you can put yourself into. Look for a way to spend your energy and free time. Bring some meaning into your life.

Good luck. I'll send some good vibes in your direction.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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for a good time call 423 2054 [Re: flower_child]
    #6565711 - 02/14/07 05:31 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

suicide thoughts or rank negation
anti-establishment or anarchy
even corruption and decay
all are fascinating is a particular way
like s&m, a reversal of priorities which becomes a relief from the pressure of "conformity"
all of that is
close to art.
these things can even masquerade as art.
making an elegant statement perhaps.
like "johnny was here" on the bathroom wall, or scratched into a table.


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Offlinesadspacemonkey
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6565891 - 02/14/07 08:03 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

wearejellyfish said:
as soon as spring hits here, i'll hopefully be outside every day photographing. outside in nature's beauty seems to be the place i feel most comfortable.
and although it would be amazing to have someone to experience the same feelings of the outdoors as me, i'm most likely going to go to these places alone, which is okay, for now, i guess.

When I was on anti-depressants, they kept me together enough to function
what made you stop taking them?




Mushrooms, pretty much.

Tripping healed me dramatically. Things aren't perfect now, but for the first time since puberty (when this mess began) pain isn't my default. A post I made about a particularly life changing trip is floating around somewhere. Anyway, I feel much better than I did on the meds. (But before I'd hit rock bottom within a couple weeks and stay there if I stopped taking them...odd, isn't it?)

I also feel your frustration at having to do things alone. I've been there, I am there. :P I agree it can be especially strange if you're a young woman...I get the 'what? you're here alone??' thing a lot. But as long as you stay safe, this can be a great chance to get to know yourself better, make best friends with yourself- sounds cheesey, but I've had great one-woman parties.

But please stay safe. I took a lot of stupid chances when I was suicidal simply because I didn't care. Now things are better and I thank god nothing bad happened. Hope is there, even if you don't feel it.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: sadspacemonkey]
    #6567396 - 02/14/07 03:26 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

thanks. i'm hoping mushrooms will have that same healing affect one me as well.


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OfflineMrBuzin
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6569840 - 02/15/07 04:37 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

wearejellyfish said:
thanks. i'm hoping mushrooms will have that same healing affect one me as well.



whens the last time you've eaten mushrooms... beware mushrooms can exaggerate your already state of suicidal thoughts.


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Re: suicidal attraction - leave your suitcases at home [Re: MrBuzin]
    #6569936 - 02/15/07 07:11 AM (16 years, 11 months ago)

naturally psychedelics exagerrate mental content in every conceivable way.
where people get all turned about is that they consider the mental event significant outside of the psychedelic context.

what makes sense in the normal world still makes sense
what makes sense in the psychedelic world makes no sense in the normal world but has the sense of verifiability at the time(s) of perception.

all this making sense and not making sense makes a split between the normal world (and people) and the twisted space that occurs in your head as moments collide and form mountains like tectonic mental crust.

when you go into a psychedelic experience, you have to know that it is a vision quest, not a fact quest. you come out enriched by dreams which can embellish reality if you so chose, but the logic from psychedelic spaces is not functional without the layered mentation.

the logical leaps are impossible in the nonpsychedelic world.
this should give you pause.
pause is so much better than superstitious fear.
it relates to basic insight.

pay attention to set and setting and how they play on the psychedelic receptivity. this is the core of the vision quest. everything else is baggage.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MrBuzin]
    #6571366 - 02/15/07 04:21 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

MrBuzin said:
whens the last time you've eaten mushrooms... beware mushrooms can exaggerate your already state of suicidal thoughts.




i have yet to.


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Re: suicidal attraction - leave your suitcases at home [Re: redgreenvines]
    #6573020 - 02/15/07 11:29 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

redgreenvines said:
naturally psychedelics exagerrate mental content in every conceivable way.
where people get all turned about is that they consider the mental event significant outside of the psychedelic context.

what makes sense in the normal world still makes sense
what makes sense in the psychedelic world makes no sense in the normal world but has the sense of verifiability at the time(s) of perception.

all this making sense and not making sense makes a split between the normal world (and people) and the twisted space that occurs in your head as moments collide and form mountains like tectonic mental crust.

when you go into a psychedelic experience, you have to know that it is a vision quest, not a fact quest. you come out enriched by dreams which can embellish reality if you so chose, but the logic from psychedelic spaces is not functional without the layered mentation.

the logical leaps are impossible in the nonpsychedelic world.
this should give you pause.
pause is so much better than superstitious fear.
it relates to basic insight.

pay attention to set and setting and how they play on the psychedelic receptivity. this is the core of the vision quest. everything else is baggage.




I agree with this.

Educating yourself as much as you can about the nature of a mushroom trip as well as staying as aware and honest as you can about yourself is a great thing.

I definitely was depressed when I tried it, but it had a great effect. My friend tried it and she didn't enjoy it at all. You have to decide for yourself if you think you will benefit from the experience. I heard that tripping in a bad mood was asking for trouble but my depression wasn't a 'mood' -- still, I thought long and hard about whether it was worth it to risk a bad trip. But as long as you follow the 'set and setting' doctrine, you should be ok..

I should add that it wasn't just mushrooms that helped me, but also certain life decisions (such as moving out of my mom's place) set up the perfect timing in a sense. I wasn't happy, but I suddenly felt a confidence and bravery I didn't before.

Everyone has their own experience...I hope yours is worthwhile. ::heart::


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: sadspacemonkey]
    #6581483 - 02/18/07 01:26 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

i actually think of death as ultimate enlightenment. you become nothing. theres nothing wrong with death, in fact some scientiests and scholars say we're going through a shortage of death, but i do think that you should live as long as you possibly can within reasonable bounds and do whatever you want within reasonable bounds as well. Cause death is eternal, living isnt.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: Drewwyann]
    #6581660 - 02/18/07 02:07 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Imagine all that life youd be wasting. Lifes short enough as it is. Some people do anything to avoid death. Others do anything to find it.


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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: wearejellyfish]
    #6581957 - 02/18/07 03:20 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Take the advice from people here, meet new people, take a lot of photographs, just go out a lot and keep yourself occupied.
You'll see life doesn't have to be like it is now. And you can decide to give it a try to crawl out of the negative. When I was depressed I found out that once I decided I would try to make something of my life I had a lot more strenght than I had ever imagined. Although I know how mentally paralyzing depression can be.

But shrooms can give you the courage to change, while showing you how beautiful this miracle of our existence is.
Though Im hesitant to recommend shrooms in this situation. Mdma would be a safer alternative..

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and happines in the world.


--------------------
"The finest emotion of which we are capable is the mystic emotion. Herein lies the germ of all art and all true science. Anyone to whom this feeling is alien, who is no longer capable of wonderment and lives in a state of fear is a dead man. To know that what is impenatrable for us really exists and manifests itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, whose gross forms alone are intelligible to our poor faculties - this knowledge, this feeling ... that is the core of the true religious sent iment. In this sense, and in this sense alone, I rank myself amoung profoundly religious men."
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OfflineMrBuzin
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Registered: 09/20/06
Posts: 432
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: Drewwyann]
    #6582157 - 02/18/07 04:35 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Drewwyann said:
i actually think of death as ultimate enlightenment. you become nothing. theres nothing wrong with death, in fact some scientiests and scholars say we're going through a shortage of death, but i do think that you should live as long as you possibly can within reasonable bounds and do whatever you want within reasonable bounds as well. Cause death is eternal, living isnt.



not trying to mind fuck ya but how do you know this :P when it comes down to it we know nothing


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OfflineViveka
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Registered: 10/21/02
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MrBuzin]
    #6582952 - 02/18/07 08:19 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

We know that we are living right now and it is very likely that this is the only living we're going to do. We may not know for certain that "death is eternal", but we know we're alive now. The point is don't throw away what you have right now.


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OfflineDrewwyann
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Registered: 10/30/06
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Re: suicidal attraction [Re: MrBuzin]
    #6585875 - 02/19/07 03:58 PM (16 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

MrBuzin said:
Quote:

Drewwyann said:
i actually think of death as ultimate enlightenment. you become nothing. theres nothing wrong with death, in fact some scientiests and scholars say we're going through a shortage of death, but i do think that you should live as long as you possibly can within reasonable bounds and do whatever you want within reasonable bounds as well. Cause death is eternal, living isnt.



not trying to mind fuck ya but how do you know this :P when it comes down to it we know nothing




I dunno, but thats what i consider it, and thats what i think happens after death. literally nothing. Nobody knows anything for sure obiously, but that is what i invest my thoughts into.

I just think that itll be like before birth i guess. No disrespect to anybody who thinks differently than i do if thats how it came off. my bad =P


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