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wearejellyfish
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suicidal attraction
#6564308 - 02/13/07 07:38 PM (16 years, 11 months ago) |
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so for a few years now, i have had suicidal thoughts. about every day, maybe skip a few days, but it usually always crosses my mind. it's not really like, god i hate my life, i'm going to just fucking kill myself. it's kind of like, it's just the way it's going to be. when i'm totally ready, i'm for it. i always think of different ways i'd kill myself as well. and my best friend and i would always chat online or in person about different ways to die or how we'd die and we'd talk about doing it together. he was the only one i could ever feel comfortable enough to talk about that with and not have to worry about him freaking out that i'm talking about suicide, mostly because, he, as well, thought the same way as me. but then a year ago, february 21, 2006, he mixed two different pills that shouldn't have been mixed. and passed away. it was an accident. he was into all sorts of drugs and pills. he knew what he was doing, but since he's done so much shit, he didn't think that would be the one to kill him. but it did. and that was that. that's as far as i want to get into it.. because this is besides the point of this post..
and now that i don't have my best friend to talk about death anymore with, i feel like it's building up so much inside.. but there's no one i can talk about that with. and it's not like i want to talk to some therapist or something about this, i would never ever admit to someone i know personally, that i think about suicide, especially on a daily basis. i don't want to stop, i don't mind it. it's not like i've tried to commit, and i'm not going to until i know it's the complete end for me. but i've got a while.
also, anytime i hear about a suicide, i always find myself attracted to it, and i want to find out more information about this person's life.
anyway. i guess i'm kind of just wondering, is there anybody else that thinks this way? i know there has to be, it'd be nice to know i have some company.
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vigilant_mind
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I used to. I am open to discussion if you would like.
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wearejellyfish
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used to? what changed?
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Xtals
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I contemplated suicide for about 8 months, years ago. I had a specific plan (was going to drink 750 mL of vodka, take 1500 mg of DXM and jump off the local bridge). A few times I actually decided to go ahead an do it, then changed my mind on the way. I came pretty close and it's not a period in my life that I'm fond of remembering. I haven't had those thoughts in years, however (and I'm very glad of that).
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vigilant_mind
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Someone who is contemplating suicide usually has a very materialistic viewpoint of the world. I was one of those people. It took time, but what changed my mind was the underlying potential I had within me that I was yet to discover. Also, I took a good hard look at reality and compared my problems to others' problems. Most of the time things really aren't as bad as they seem.
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Xtals
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Someone who is contemplating suicide usually has a very materialistic viewpoint of the world.
I really disagree with that. Many suicides have mystical beliefs about the world. Where are you getting this info?
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fireworks_god
Sexy.Butt.McDanger


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Great post. Usually someone who is contemplating suicide as come to a specific conclusion concerning the nature of reality. Typically (obviously), it is a negative conclusion, one that would bring one to consider removing their experience of life itself.
I think that the realistic situations in which one is considering suicide involve great amounts of suffering. Ultimately, it is one's own decision, but, personally, I like to work at dissolving boundaries on who I am and what I am to accomplish, and to kill myself would be to inflict the greatest limitation and boundary of all on myself.
The simple fact that we are alive, breathing, and experiencing this... this, thing, this phenomenon, is so extraordinary that, if you really think about it and the nature of the fact, its just so amazing, and I'd like to partake in this experience as much as I can. The reality of life is that this moment is fleeting, and we will come to an end. I just don't think I should bring it upon myself when there is so much possibillity for growth, development, and new experiences.
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If I should die this very moment I wouldn't fear For I've never known completeness Like being here Wrapped in the warmth of you Loving every breath of you
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wearejellyfish
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yeah, there are always so many other people that have it worse. but i don't even think about that. i kind of just feel like i've got nothing left going for me.
anyway, would it be a bad idea to do certain drugs alone? i wouldn't want to try to kill myself while my mind is being altered by drugs.. i was thinking about taking dxm in my dorm room by myself within the next week, would i try to do anything shitty to myself?
oh, i've also been cutting for over three years, i don't even go near the wrists anymore, i just do the rest of my body, i try staying away from my arms so i don't have to worry about people seeing, but i've been wearing a jacket for as long as i've been cutting anyway. i'd be worried i might try to cut myself and not know how it truly feels if i'm on some certain drug, and make the razor go a bit too deep. should i get a sitter whenever i do a new drug?
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fireworks_god
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Why would you cut yourself? What do you gain in doing so?
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If I should die this very moment I wouldn't fear For I've never known completeness Like being here Wrapped in the warmth of you Loving every breath of you
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vigilant_mind
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Quote:
I really disagree with that. Many suicides have mystical beliefs about the world. Where are you getting this info?
From my own experience and the last few days before my father committed suicide. Also from reading I've done on psychology, mainly Aaron Beck's Cognitive Therapy of Depression.
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wearejellyfish
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Quote:
fireworks_god said: The simple fact that we are alive, breathing, and experiencing this... this, thing, this phenomenon, is so extraordinary that, if you really think about it and the nature of the fact, its just so amazing, and I'd like to partake in this experience as much as I can. The reality of life is that this moment is fleeting, and we will come to an end. I just don't think I should bring it upon myself when there is so much possibillity for growth, development, and new experiences.
i wish that was the way i thought.
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vigilant_mind
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i wish that was the way i thought.
That is precisely the issue. You're recurrent suicidal cognitions are what are making you revolve around the idea of dying.
I am not a psychologist and I am not a psychiatrist, but I feel it is my duty to recommend that you at least visit a therapist at least once. It's remarkable how much you will learn, how much your mind will change. Trust me, I have 4 years of solid psychotherapy to show for it.
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mattymonkey
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Quote:
wearejellyfish said:
i wish that was the way i thought.
then you are on your way..
-------------------- "listening for the secret.. searching for the sound.."
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wearejellyfish
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Quote:
fireworks_god said: Why would you cut yourself? What do you gain in doing so?
sometimes i get really freaked out. stress out, heart speeds up, get nautious and shaky. cutting calms me down instantly.
it's kind of ironic how i HATE violence, and HATE blood or anyone or anything else. but i don't mind it on myself at all. i usually do designs, not just lines, it just helps me. and i have no intent to stop really, because i don't think it's such a big deal since i stay away from major veins.
it's my self medication i guess.
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fireworks_god
Sexy.Butt.McDanger


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I would suggest finding another avenue through which to relieve stress, as the one that you have chosen is not an action that is sustainable. One needs to learn to manage stress first, before one can become aware of the root causes that produce it.
The first act is to find something else to relieve it. It might not be a big deal, since you stay away from major veins, yet you were just stating that you were concerned that you might go too far if you were on a drug. Also, if you have been contemplating suicide, then perhaps one day you might have a particuarily shitty day, moreso than usual, thus, more stress, and you might feel compelled to take it a step further in order to "relieve more stress".
Honestly. What else could you do to relieve stress? I'm sure there is something that you could think of that would work. What do you think?
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If I should die this very moment I wouldn't fear For I've never known completeness Like being here Wrapped in the warmth of you Loving every breath of you
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fireworks_god
Sexy.Butt.McDanger


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Quote:
wearejellyfish said: I wish that was the way i thought.
You should consider trying out a simple exercise quick. Just try it out, and tell me what happens.
Take what you quoted me as saying, and say it yourself. Say it out loud, simply read it in your mind, maybe both. When you say the parts that say "I", don't think of me, think of yourself as "I".
Observe your other thoughts that will happen, before and after, and post them here. I know it might sound stupid but try it out. I'd love to know what happens.
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If I should die this very moment I wouldn't fear For I've never known completeness Like being here Wrapped in the warmth of you Loving every breath of you
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wearejellyfish
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Quote:
vigilant_mind said: I am not a psychologist and I am not a psychiatrist, but I feel it is my duty to recommend that you at least visit a therapist at least once. It's remarkable how much you will learn, how much your mind will change. Trust me, I have 4 years of solid psychotherapy to show for it.
i've gone before, but never willingly, my parents had forced me, but now that i'm 18, they can't. anyway, they never knew about my cutting or suicidal thoughts of course. i keep quiet about it to everyone.
i just don't want them trying to give me prescriptions of antidepressants, because i've been on a few, and i've hated them all.
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wearejellyfish
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Quote:
fireworks_god said:
Quote:
wearejellyfish said: I wish that was the way i thought.
You should consider trying out a simple exercise quick. Just try it out, and tell me what happens.
Take what you quoted me as saying, and say it yourself. Say it out loud, simply read it in your mind, maybe both. When you say the parts that say "I", don't think of me, think of yourself as "I".
Observe your other thoughts that will happen, before and after, and post them here. I know it might sound stupid but try it out. I'd love to know what happens.
it's kind of like i can't get myself to believe any of that just by telling that to myself. i feel like i have to have an actual life changing experience, maybe from a drug, or maybe from another human being.
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vigilant_mind
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Quote:
Observe your other thoughts that will happen, before and after, and post them here. I know it might sound stupid but try it out. I'd love to know what happens
This is exactly what Aaron Beck talks about in Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Anytime we react to a situation, we harbor automatic thoughts. These thoughts yield a certain emotion which contributes to our mood. The trick is to catch your automatic thoughts and to alter your thinking into a more objective and realistic viewpoint.
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fireworks_god
Sexy.Butt.McDanger


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I'm not asking you to believe it. I'm simply interested in what happens when you say it or think it. What else do you think? I'd like to know specifically what you are telling yourself in response to those thoughts.
I know what you are talking about, my friend. I'm not proposing any simple answers, just interested in making some observations. What are you thinking?
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If I should die this very moment I wouldn't fear For I've never known completeness Like being here Wrapped in the warmth of you Loving every breath of you
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