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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Marriage
    #6417956 - 01/02/07 01:55 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

For as long as I can remember, I have not had much of a desire to get married. Which may come as a surprise on the surface, as my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. People hear that and they think, "Oh, what a great example for the children." But as rosy as my parents marriage is, as happy as they are, I don't want that kind of marriage for myself.

I think my distaste towards marriage came about slowly over time, watching my mother submit to my father's every whim. "Honey, go get me a Diet Coke." "Honey, bring me this and that and this." "Honey, can you get up from the dinner table to go get the ketchup out of the refrigerator that I am sitting within arms reach of?" I remember as a teenager, telling my mother that she should stand up for herself once in awhile, that she wasn't his slave, that he had legs and could take care of himself once in awhile. Her answer to that has always been, "We're just from a different generation."

And from this several questions arise. Will I ever want to get married? If I do, will it be simply because of societal pressures (some of which I'm already dealing with)? And if I do end up entering into a marriage someday, where would I find an example of an equal progressive relationship to base it on?

Its all so confusing. Especially when everyone from every direction is asking me when its going to happen. I tell them, "I don't necessarily want it to happen." And they look at me with pity, as if I were saying that because no one wanted me.

:shrug:


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Invisibledemiu5
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6417991 - 01/02/07 02:12 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

marriage is a tradition. It is treated as the one and only way by the majority of people.

If you don't want to get married, then don't. You can still love and live with someone for the rest of your life and it is no less right or wrong. There are also other uniting ceremonies than marriage; hell, you could even come up with your own.


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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Offlinersimoa
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Re: Marriage [Re: demiu5]
    #6418011 - 01/02/07 02:21 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I used to be very anti-marriage (even after being married for 4+ years). Starting about 6 months after my wedding day I told my husband I wanted a divorce. It never happened, but I kept saying it would, regularly for the next 4+ years. I kept thinking of the marriage as a trap and a unfair restriction on my affection. So, of course, I had an affair with someone who was also married. And ironically, it was after that that I realized what marriage really is. I confessed the infidelity to my husband who simply got up and walked out the door. After about 20min, I called him on his cell phone and begged him to come home. I told I was an idiot and that I loved him so much, etc. etc. He sighed and said "you're my wife... of course I'm coming home." That's when it suddenly hit me. That's what marriage is. It's committment. It's that your home is always with that other person. Like the vows go "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health..." It's a beautiful thing if you can find someone you want that with.


--------------------
"Mind your mycelium" said the mysteriously mercurial mycologist of Mt. Olympus


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Invisibleniteowl
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6418580 - 01/02/07 04:46 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

adrug said:
I think my distaste towards marriage came about slowly over time, watching my mother submit to my father's every whim. "Honey, go get me a Diet Coke." "Honey, bring me this and that and this." "Honey, can you get up from the dinner table to go get the ketchup out of the refrigerator that I am sitting within arms reach of?" I remember as a teenager, telling my mother that she should stand up for herself once in awhile, that she wasn't his slave, that he had legs and could take care of himself once in awhile. Her answer to that has always been, "We're just from a different generation."




If your father worked and your mother didn't, then they did come from a different generation. He worked a job and paid the bills she kept the house up and made sure he was well rested and fed so he could work.

Nothing wrong with this kind of marriage.

Things have to work differently when both people are working outside the home.

My wife and I both work and both share in keeping up the house. There is no way that I could demand my wife to work a full time job, and wait on me hand and foot. During the few times that one of us was not working, the worker had the luxury of not having to do much house work. When I was unemployed my wife didn't have to cook or clean the house. She did the same for me when she wasn't working.

Every marriage is different. Simply go into the relationship being honest with your partner about your desires and things will workout for the best.

Just don't be afraid to get married because of the type of marriage your parents had, they came from a different generation after all :wink:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future


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Offlineaelephant
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Re: Marriage [Re: niteowl]
    #6418883 - 01/02/07 06:14 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

If you decide to marry, your marriage doesn't have to be the same (or even similar) to the marriage of your parents. I would be careful with this assumption. If you really believe that your relationship will end up with the same dynamics, you may turn that belief into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For me marriage is a social and religious tradition. I don't agree with much of it, but I know that I personally want to make a commitment to monogamy and the institution of marriage offers a lot of monetary and societal benefits. It really is just a piece of paper, the commitment and the relationship are all your burden.


--------------------
As we live a life of ease,
Everyone of us has all we need
Sky of blue and Sea of Green
In our Yellow Submarine


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InvisibleLiz
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6419305 - 01/02/07 08:07 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Marriage is a piece of paper.  If you love someone, and are committed to them, it doesn't necessarily matter whether you're "married" or not.  I've always liked the idea of getting married, and taking those vows, and having a family.  Not that you can't have a family without being married obviously, but I like the idea of having a husband, and filing joint tax returns, and sharing health insurance, and all those stupid things that come with it. 

That being said, I grew up watching my Mother struggle to raise me and my little brother on her own, after her husband (my father) died.  And then I watched her re-marry, to a wonderful man, who would do anything and everything for her.

I don't think that if you get married, you would be anything like your mother was.  I don't think you'd suddenly become submissive and compliant...I think I know you better than that.  I think if your husband told you to get up and get him a soda you'd tell him to fuck off and get it himself.  Or, you might do it, if he got you one last time you asked  :tongue: 

I hope you get married someday, because I'd like to come to the wedding, as I'd like you to come to ours.  But marriage doesn't define a relationship - love does, and the effort that goes into maintaining it.  :heart:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Re: Marriage [Re: Liz]
    #6419390 - 01/02/07 08:24 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Liz said:
I don't think that if you get married, you would be anything like your mother was.  I don't think you'd suddenly become submissive and compliant...I think I know you better than that.  I think if your husband told you to get up and get him a soda you'd tell him to fuck off and get it himself.  Or, you might do it, if he got you one last time you asked  :tongue: 




And you're absolutely right. I just can't help but view marriage from the only example I ever had, which was my submissive mother catering to my father. Maybe its just not for me, or maybe someday I can get over this fear I have of turning into my mother. :smirk:


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OfflineSyle
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6419488 - 01/02/07 08:46 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

have you met anyone in your life that you loved unconditionally? if so, could you see yourself marrying them eventually? either way, i think you'll have your answer.


--------------------
https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!


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InvisibleSilversoul
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6419686 - 01/02/07 09:35 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Marriage isn't for everyone. I personally want to get married someday, because I have a certain soft spot for tradition and rituals. In the end, it's the love that matters, not the piece of paper.


--------------------


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OfflineSneezingPenis
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Re: Marriage [Re: Silversoul]
    #6420176 - 01/02/07 11:57 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

when marriage was invented, people only lived to be 30 at the most. The women got married at 12-15, and the men took their bride at 16 or so.....

So, we can see that 18 years of marriage was about the maximum... which anyone can really swing.....

I also have no urge to get married other than for tax purposes... I have no problem promising monogamy.... but it just seems like marriage is for other people.....

the second after you are officially married, do you love the person more because of that ceremony?


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OfflineCerebralFlower
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Registered: 02/09/04
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Re: Marriage [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #6420334 - 01/03/07 12:45 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Hey aDrug. Someday you will probably want to get married, after you experience life, what it has to offer good and bad. After you have been in meaningful relationship(s). Do not rush it though. And ofcourse, if you get married, and you have waited, you will be sure that you it is on you and your soulmates terms, not your parents (ie subservency). The answer you already know is you dont wanna get into the same kinda marriage as your parents as you see it wouldnt make you happy.
Maybe you dont have to get married. I think you can be with someone all your life without being married. Think of it that way, and after many years together you may choose to get married. But always allow eachother the freedom and space you need. Rushing into marriage is a horrible mistake, for any reason.

I really dont understand why people (like you) care about what others think on matters that dont concern them(ur relationship), and especially if they dont understand. Whats the point in letting others influence your desicion? I guess on some level you must care what others htink? Why? Its not important, especially to the realationship, its just between you and your soulmate.
If your aksing the drug forum what youre going to want, youre obviously NOT READY to get married, ok?
So just TAKE IT SLOW.
Also i have an intresting fact for you. Even the amazonian tribes have marriage ceremonies. Love runs throughout the human race, opposed to what we are taught about on TV and college documentaries (which lead us to believe we can be a slut and be happy)..
So just wait until you actully want to get married and are ready for it, never listen to others and NEVER force ANYTHING. Take it slow and let it flow.


--------------------
God says dance with your heart
And shake free of you desire

Where theres a will theres always a way
When you get confused listen to the music play



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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6420456 - 01/03/07 01:56 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I was married for 10 years legally, but in a 13 year relationship total when I divorced at age 39. I tolerated her alcoholism and her Borderline Personality Disorder, with sadistic and antisocial features. But when she confessed to adultery, I filed for divorce the next morning.

Four years of renting an apartment and dating women in Miami I met someone worth staying with. She was married for some years and is also divorced. I gave her my grandmother's/mother's diamond with two additional diamonds in a Victorian setting (she was born in London and raised their til she was 7). We are permanently engaged. It is a social experiment that seems to be working.

In my experience, marriage can become a fusion of identities, but this amounts to what cynics refer to as "the old ball and chain." A better metaphor for me is 'engagement,' like two gears which mesh closely, but turn and usually for some purpose. Before one marries, the period of engagement is like dating and people are still on their best behaviors. Unfortunately, the "I do" all too often does negative things. Firstly, couples begin to take one another for granted because, after all, they're married. "Hey Hon, get me a beer" [as he scratches his once flat stomach and belches]. She has 'gotten' the man, and the once disciplined dieter begins also to relax as her former aerobics instructor body begins to reflect the relaxation.

No, I still open her car door and seat her at restaurants 10 years later. We both watch out diets and work out on Bowflex machines or ar Yoga. I have rewritten my 'Last Will and Testament' so if I die tonight she gets all of the bank and investments money, the house, my car and 1/2 my benefits money (1/2 goes to my best friend). Marriage does not increase her sense of security or committment - divorces are easy to get. There is no common-law marriage in Florida so engagement after 7 years is still engagement.

If I was young enough to have children (her daughter is 23, just finished her Masters degree, and will start working next month at a salary that exceeds mine after 20 years), I would definately marry. But I see more of the subtle psychological down-side of marriage. I like to continue in the "controlled folly" that I'm not married, that the cage door is open and I could fly out now and again, but I choose to stay inside the cage. I am using psychological ploys to minimize the feeling of being trapped when it occurs. In reality, Miami is full of bimbos, call girls, gold diggers, Euro trash and sluts of all kinds. Those M.I.L.F. sites are mostly based on Lincoln Road in Miami Beach for example. Finding a decent, intelligent, moral, spiritual, and psychedelic woman is not something one wants to lose through temptation for a taste for the gutter (which I admit having  :blush:). Marriage for us may not be legal, but it is a decidedly spiritual engagement. It is a conscious 'Conjuntio Oppositorum' (that sounds cool) - a Solar-Lunar, masculine-feminine, Yin-Yang duality-in-unity.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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OfflineFrenchSocialist
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Re: Marriage [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #6420535 - 01/03/07 03:06 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

You are very lucky, if I had one wish, it would be to have a relationship like that with the person I care for most. =)


--------------------


"Both liberty and equality are among the primary goals pursued by human beings through many centuries; but total liberty for wolves is death to the lambs" -- Isaiah Berlin


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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Re: Marriage [Re: CerebralFlower]
    #6420761 - 01/03/07 08:36 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

CerebralFlower said:
I really dont understand why people (like you) care about what others think on matters that dont concern them(ur relationship), and especially if they dont understand. Whats the point in letting others influence your desicion?




The reason I posted this thread was not because I care what you people think about my decisions. I'm just trying to get some different points of view, because the one I currently hold is kind of narrow.

As for people pressuring me about when to get married, I would never let any outside influence tell me when the right time is. So don't you worry about that. I think its good to talk about these things and find out what has worked for others.


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Invisibleimplicitli
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6420835 - 01/03/07 10:16 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Marriage is pretty much crazy.

But i guess sometimes you have to embrace lunacy.

Maybe once I reach my mid-forties, i think that in the meantime. . . get a puppy.


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Invisibleredtailedhawk
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Re: Marriage [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #6421641 - 01/03/07 03:53 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

MarkostheGnostic said:
Finding a decent, intelligent, moral, spiritual, and psychedelic woman is not something one wants to lose ...




Tell me about it.  :hissyfit:


--------------------

"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Marriage [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #6422025 - 01/03/07 06:11 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

"Uh...sorry about that Chief."


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Invisibleredtailedhawk
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Re: Marriage [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #6422110 - 01/03/07 06:43 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Well I didn't lose one... the thing is I can't find one! So you're lucky Markos! Hold on to her.


--------------------

"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."


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Offlinebadreichenhall
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Re: Marriage [Re: adrug]
    #6422722 - 01/03/07 10:21 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Marriage ain't for everyone,

should you decide to change your mind

feel free to do so


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Marriage [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #6422750 - 01/03/07 10:27 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

D'oh!  :blush:  My bad. Well, she selected me, and she wasn't psychedelic  :mushroom2: until she met me  :wink:. She's the only Black woman I've ever known who loves Jerry Garcia (following her 1st Experience on 'shrooms in '96). Unusual woman in certain important respects. I'll try not to f**k things up with my '2nd chakra gone wild.' Thanx.


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