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OfflineFlusH
Random person on Internet

Registered: 10/23/01
Posts: 2,910
Loc: Bizzaro World
Last seen: 1 month, 3 days
Can someone help identify what is up?
    #6320995 - 11/30/06 10:18 AM (17 years, 2 months ago)

I have a hard time keeping a job.

The longest I have been employed is one month shy of 1 year. I am not a dumb person, or cannot do the work, I just don't like being around people all day.

I have been working in the computer industry for 8 years now, started at a PC recycling compound, as a software developer for a few years for a few different employers, an opensource developer, and now I am in business machines ( large multi-function printers, etc)

I have an impressive lineup on my resume and I have a good background in electronics, and the first few weeks/months of a new job are alway's good. But when I start to get to know my co-workers I usualy find myself being so self-concious I start rambling while talking. not that I start rambling like a 16 year old teenage girl in school, but I just talk about whatever is on my mind. and it is usualy boring or "off the wall".

After this phase I start getting very reserved because I feel bad about how I talked my ass off earlier. I read people very carfully while talking to them and if I notice any signs of uninterest/anxiety/or even a different facial structure when the person is talking to me opposed to someone else I start wondering if I have "worn out my welcome" or become a burden to the company. or if I am just a pain in the ass to work with. I never associated with large social groups, even inner office groups of friends. I am alway's the loner.

This usualy starts getting me upset with myself again, and I get fed up with myself and quit the job. This leaves my wife frustrated with me ( she has addmitted about leaving me, and expressed her dis-interest in our relationship. The only thing keeping me from leaving her is our daughter), my parents still give me shit about being an irrisponsible person, and I am left alienated by those around me. Which also gets me depressed.

So now I am going over this all, seriously considering fucking off and leaving this life behind. I am not happy where I am now. But I don't know if I will ever be happy no matter where I am at. especialy if I leave my daughter because of this.

So that is me in a nutshell. I may just be a wimp of a person who cannot deal with the harsh-ness of life, but at any rate I don't know why I am like this and I want out.

If anybody has any idea's/insight/input I would love to hear it.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
Re: Can someone help identify what is up? [Re: FlusH]
    #6321051 - 11/30/06 10:35 AM (17 years, 2 months ago)

There is nothing wrong with you, you are experiencing the normal results of partial socialization.

(I will refer to the non-existent "average person," but I do so only as an example, not because I think there is such an individual.)

The "average" person picks up on external cues from parents, friends, teachers, etc... and responds to those cues in an effort to be loved and accepted.  This is socialization.  It begins the moment we are born (and perhaps before then, if the research I'm involved in is accurate), and continues until we die.  Socialization is a cooperative process, though the average person assumes a passive pose in the interaction.  You cannot be socialized without your cooperation.  You must internalize the views of others in order to become socialized.

In your case, you have been partially socialized.  You are concerned about the views of others, and their opinion is VERY important to you, but your self-consciousness interferes with the socialization process. You want very much to please your co-workers, parents, wife, daughter, and others, but you find it difficult to maintain "appropriate" behavior.  You become very self-critical when you believe that you have violated behavioral rules, and want to withdraw from the "failed" situation entirely.

The problem that you (and others who are not "average") are facing is that no one outside of yourself can provide a solution to your dilemma.  No job, no relationship, no community can give you what you need in order to enjoy your life and feel at ease within yourself.

The door to your prison locks from the inside.

Being partially socialized is incredibly uncomfortable.  I know this from personal experience.  Here's a tool I have used with amazing success:

http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm

I fully empathize with your struggles, and I wish you peace and joy.  :heart:


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OfflineCerebralFlower
whats left?

Registered: 02/09/04
Posts: 1,326
Loc: only the truth is left
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
Re: Can someone help identify what is up? [Re: Veritas]
    #6321110 - 11/30/06 10:53 AM (17 years, 2 months ago)

it sounds like you worry too much about how others percieve you.
Why care about if someone thinks your talking to much, or is unintrested. and I doubt your a burden on the company, just beacause youre trying to be social? come on, you said you were good at your job, well thats what matters to them anyways, if you wanna look at it from their point of view. Dont let your doubts get in front of you, its not worht it, but i guess the only thing that can teach you that is frustration.
Frustration from trying everything, and still not suceeding, so just be yourself and enjoy life THE WAY YOU WANT TO, and you will be pleased.

It also sounds to me like your parents or someone you loved instilled alot of doubt in you. It seems someone was very mean/ critical/ and harsh to you.

Quote:

cannot deal with the harsh-ness of life, but at any rate I don't know why I am like this and I want out.




Life doesnt have to be harsh. Are you harsh with other people? If your (all) your bosses have been harsh thast one thing, but i doubt they have been. Dont worry so much about other people, find someone who cares about you and understand eachother, you will see life isnt as bad as your making it seem.
You are doing this to yourself, because you worry about if people like your ideas, or if you bother them or whatever. If theyre bothered by you being nice, theyre not worht your time, so why the heck would you even care if theyre jerks to begin with? It doesnt matter, does it? Theyre not going to fire you, or hurt you, and probably not even disrespect you if your at some computer software jobs... Those people are overly-civilized.
Find someone you can relate to. Im sure not everyone at these jobs is as bad as your making it seem, I think you are mispercieving atleast some of them.
i hope this helps :heart:


--------------------
God says dance with your heart
And shake free of you desire

Where theres a will theres always a way
When you get confused listen to the music play



Edited by CerebralFlower (11/30/06 10:56 AM)


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OfflineFlusH
Random person on Internet

Registered: 10/23/01
Posts: 2,910
Loc: Bizzaro World
Last seen: 1 month, 3 days
Re: Can someone help identify what is up? [Re: CerebralFlower]
    #6321182 - 11/30/06 11:20 AM (17 years, 2 months ago)

Thank you for the quick reply's

I agree with both of you.


I am at work at the moment, and unable to reply, but I will be back in a few hours.

Thanks also for the wisdom. I do appreciate it.


--------------------


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,509
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Canada ...
Re: Can someone help identify what is up? [Re: FlusH]
    #6321184 - 11/30/06 11:21 AM (17 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

I read people very carfully while talking to them and if I notice any signs of uninterest/anxiety/or even a different facial structure when the person is talking to me opposed to someone else I start wondering if I have "worn out my welcome" or become a burden to the company.




You are judging people too harshly. You cannot claim to be able to interpret accurately exactly what 'facial structure' means what, and it isn't fair to put thoughts in other people's heads, so to speak. They deserve the benefit of the doubt, just like you do.

I'm still getting over the habit of judging people prematurely. When I first realized I was doing this, I also realized that my excessive self-conciousness is a direct result of my assumption that others are judging me as harshly and unfairly as I judge them.

Try this:

Whenever you 'read' somebody, ask yourself if you are perceiving that person or merely perceiving your thoughts about that person. Give them the benefit of the doubt (and there is always some doubt,) and see what happens.

If you run away from your life like you were suggesting, this problem will follow you until you fix it.

If you are less harsh with life, it will be less harsh with you, I promise.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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OfflineCerebralFlower
whats left?

Registered: 02/09/04
Posts: 1,326
Loc: only the truth is left
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
Re: Can someone help identify what is up? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #6321357 - 11/30/06 12:38 PM (17 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

WhiskeyClone said:

You are judging people too harshly. You cannot claim to be able to interpret accurately exactly what 'facial structure' means what, and it isn't fair to put thoughts in other people's heads, so to speak. They deserve the benefit of the doubt, just like you do.

I'm still getting over the habit of judging people prematurely. When I first realized I was doing this, I also realized that my excessive self-conciousness is a direct result of my assumption that others are judging me as harshly and unfairly as I judge them.

Try this:

Whenever you 'read' somebody, ask yourself if you are perceiving that person or merely perceiving your thoughts about that person. Give them the benefit of the doubt (and there is always some doubt,) and see what happens.

If you run away from your life like you were suggesting, this problem will follow you until you fix it.

If you are less harsh with life, it will be less harsh with you, I promise.



good advice:
& read this amazing post: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Cat/0/Number/4540094/an/0/page/0


--------------------
God says dance with your heart
And shake free of you desire

Where theres a will theres always a way
When you get confused listen to the music play



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OfflineFlusH
Random person on Internet

Registered: 10/23/01
Posts: 2,910
Loc: Bizzaro World
Last seen: 1 month, 3 days
Re: Can someone help identify what is up? [Re: CerebralFlower]
    #6324550 - 12/01/06 02:29 PM (17 years, 2 months ago)

Well, after a full day to let what you guy's have said sink in, I never really noticed how often a day I give myself shit for doing something which I persieve as wrong.

Quote:

It also sounds to me like your parents or someone you loved instilled alot of doubt in you. It seems someone was very mean/ critical/ and harsh to you.




I did have an emotionaly abusive upbringing. I will spare you the story, but I have been living on my own since 16. I never thought of this as being a source of my partialy socialized brain, mostly because I did not want to fall into the "my parents hit me so they are to blame" stereotype.

Quote:

You are judging people too harshly. You cannot claim to be able to interpret accurately exactly what 'facial structure' means what, and it isn't fair to put thoughts in other people's heads, so to speak. They deserve the benefit of the doubt, just like you do.




This is true. I agree with you.

I have started to read http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm and am finding it a good start on how to change the way I think.

I do admit it is hard not to default back into the depressive way of analyzing life. That will come with time.

Thanks again for responding. I am at work again, so I gotta go. I will be back sometime later.

Peace


--------------------


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins
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Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 11 months
Re: Can someone help identify what is up? [Re: FlusH]
    #6335249 - 12/05/06 02:17 AM (17 years, 2 months ago)

I think that you should treat other people with respect. You can do this by being open-minded and honest. Part of that is to realize that you are going to have negative thoughts and that you need to trust yourself to care about and find solutions to your problems.

You could do yourself a big favor by becoming healthy and s trong. It will help you to be confident because it is a lifestyle based around adapting to stressful situations. I know that, if I had a tech job with lots of sitting, I would have to take breaks. It is not really necessary to sit down for more than an hour at a time. You should get up and walk around, drink some water, eat a snack, stretch out, perhaps do some calisthenics while you're outside, appreciating the sun and nature. Your goal is to finish your day with the same courage that you began it with, no matter what happens. You will fail sometimes, but you can always g et back up, stand up and make it right.

I also think that another big part of your problem is the fact that you want to and know that you should be communicating with your co-workers. You have to, bro. You are missing out on a great oppurtunity to find some friends.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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