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OfflineLion
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Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 8,663
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Sometimes it hurts
    #6209931 - 10/25/06 10:56 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

You know?  It hurts.

Sometimes I have this feeling in my stomach, in my chest, throbbing in my heart, and it won't go away--Hueheucoyotl described it beautifully as "a feeling of inexhaustible sadness encasing a mantle of pure joy with an intense longing at it's heart".  And when I work through and release some of it with meditation, it comes back all the richer for having been probed into deeper.  This morning I was immobilized for nearly an hour, I felt like my body couldn't move under its weight--I wanted to scream, to cry, to make love to someone, to forget I ever existed, to forget I'd ever experienced a pure, divine joy that now seemed so far away (and yet so very, very close--ahh!!).

It's all manifested in one set of eyes, in one smile, in one face.  Every time I look at her it makes me happy, every time I leave this feeling swells up inside me again.  I don't want someone else to define my emotions, my existence this much.  I don't want to be attached like this, but as I try to work through this attachment I just learn more and more how deep it goes, like a neverending coil, a steel blanket over my heart that I can't lift on my own.

It hurts.

"I knew you long ago at the birth of space and time
I was yours, you were mine"

:crazy:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Lion]
    #6209945 - 10/25/06 11:03 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

When one doesn't love oneself it hurts.



Addiction is painful. Preference never is. To be about preference rather than addiction one must perfect unconditional love.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleTacticalBongRip
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Registered: 08/20/05
Posts: 527
Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Icelander]
    #6209952 - 10/25/06 11:08 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

Sorry to hear your in pain friend. Like Icelander said, preference good, addiction bad. Now take two of these and call me in the morning <<hands bug a couple fat joints>>


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OfflineLion
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Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Icelander]
    #6209962 - 10/25/06 11:13 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
When one doesn't love oneself it hurts.



Addiction is painful. Preference never is. To be about preference rather than addiction one must perfect unconditional love.


I don't quite understand what you mean by preference here.

How have you worked on unconditionally loving in your own life?  I feel great compassion towards everyone I know well, and by extension do not judge those who I do not know, for knowledge that if I were to take the time to know them well I would love them.

What is happening with this girl, I think, is that I have not had healthy enough outlets for my love, including my self-love, and so am directing all this energy towards her.  But then there is also part of me telling me that she is the one, that I was meant to be with her--on an acid trip she came uncalled for into my vision and brought me to tears, and since then it has felt like destiny.  But perhaps this is just a delusion, and excuse to lavish my longing on one thing rather than building up a healthy love for all things.

At any rate, I'm good at this type of psychoanalysis, and I'm good at acting on it in the sense that I can still act normal and work to better myself materially and spiritually--this feeling hasn't hindered me at all actually, as much as it has driven me to better myself in every way.  I just can't change this feeling, I can't change it, that's the frustrating part!  My will is just not strong enough; I tried fighting it, I tried totally giving in, I tried rationally analyzing it, I try to be constantly aware of it...  The problem is it is so huge, it is a reflection, a microcosm of my entire existential dilemma.

My love really is unconditional, but it dances with fear, old fear that has been in me for as long as I can remember.  The dance is what produces this feeling, I surmise...  Oh, my kingdom for 5 grams or 500 gammas right now  :tongue:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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InvisibleIcelander
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Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Lion]
    #6210001 - 10/25/06 11:31 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

You said it "hurts". Only addiction brings emotional pain. Feeling you will be incomplete if you don't have this or that. Preference is the feeling of " oh I would like to have this or that, but if I can't get it, oh well that's life, I know I don't always get what I want and I fully accept that, I'm still complete and I realize that I have everything I need.

I have noticed that the so called "love" relationships are the biggest addictions going around at least in western culture. I can honestly say I never feel addiction to any other person anymore. It's one of the most wonderful achievements of my life. I really had to suffer a lot before I learned that "addictive love" is not love at all.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineLion
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Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Icelander]
    #6210025 - 10/25/06 11:38 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
You said it "hurts". Only addiction brings emotional pain. Feeling you will be incomplete if you don't have this or that. Preference is the feeling of " oh I would like to have this or that, but if I can't get it, oh well that's life, I know I don't always get what I want and I fully accept that, I'm still complete and I realize that I have everything I need.

I have noticed that the so called "love" relationships are the biggest addictions going around at least in western culture. I can honestly say I never feel addiction to any other person anymore. It's one of the most wonderful achievements of my life. I really had to suffer a lot before I learned that "addictive love" is not love at all.


Yeah, I totally agree with all of this.  I try to make progress towards the idea that I can be--that I am complete on my own.  Because I know it's true, believe me, I know.  But knowing and feeling can seem worlds apart.  I feel I will have to go through a lot of heartache before I feel it as fully as you...  Here's to being on different mile-markers along a beautiful path........ :smirk: :heart:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Lion]
    #6210037 - 10/25/06 11:42 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

Right you are. :thumbup:  Your addictions are your teachers. One thing about being in my 50s is that I understand how slowly we learn. How long it actually takes to grow up. We often look for some change that is really a decade away or more. Patience is the best tool for this. When you are young though you refuse to believe this. :grin:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleTacticalBongRip
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Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Lion]
    #6210039 - 10/25/06 11:43 AM (14 years, 6 months ago)

You can tell if something is an addiction when it brings you pain to have it taken away from you. Addiction is basically the same thing as attachments as it also causes suffering.

When you prefer something, that is when your really enjoy something to the fullest extent but if its taken away from you it does not cause suffering. Forms are not permanent and will always go away at some point, which is why it's never worth becoming attached to anything.
This goes along with the quote "Lay not up your treasures where moth and rust doth corrupt".

The fear you speak of, this originates from the attachment. Just let it go. When the thought comes, acknowledge it and let it pass like a cloud through your consciousness.

Try this: The next time the thought comes up turn your consciousness to your physical body and your breathing. Feel every cell in your body. Concentrate on that feeling. Breathe deeply and slowly and focus your conscoius on that as well. You might begin to notice that when you're doing this and fully concentrating your bothers and fears wash away. Good luck friend.


Edited by TacticalBongRip (10/25/06 11:46 AM)


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OfflineJackenobi
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Registered: 05/06/06
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Re: Sometimes it hurts [Re: Lion]
    #6210533 - 10/25/06 03:00 PM (14 years, 6 months ago)

durp!

(i hear you buddy)

:heart:

another spiritual education courtesy of the shroomery
highly resonant, continuing enlightenment, continuing ardour for the day

:smirk: :smile:


--------------------
read books


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