|
RandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
|
Something is wrong with me
#5922172 - 08/01/06 03:15 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
I am a complete and utter mess. This feeling is a mixture of apathy, pain, frustration, uneasiness, and helplessness. I am usually able to suppress and ignore it. I may even go several months without being aware of it. But, it always resurfaces and completely disables me.
I have been a mess off and on ever since I was 10 years old. That was when my parents got separated and divorced. I saw my hero (my father) for what he was; human. I saw his flaws. Up until then I saw him as my ultimate hero. My father grew up poor. He joined the U.S. Navy and he served for seven years. He liked to hang-glide. He traveled the world and he experienced such amazing things. How could a little boy not idolize him? I saw him as the ultimate example of what one should be. I wanted to be him. I thought that he was perfection. At all times it appeared as if he was in complete control. I got such an exhilarating sense of purpose and strength from his example.
It is very traumatic to see that your supposedly infallible hero is just a normal person. The day that he came into my room to tell me that he and my mother were breaking up was the day that my bucolic and innocent childhood ended. He cried when he told me what was about to happen. That's the first time I had ever seen him cry. My stability and my assuredness were completely destroyed. I guess you could say that I lost my stride from that moment on.
My father repeatedly cheated on my mother. He always had several women "on the side" just in case his main relationship went to shit. Now that I look back I can sense his uneasiness with who he was. I can see that he clung to women to satisfy some emotional hole that afflicted him. My mother doesn't know that I know all of this. I surmise that his infidelity was the main reason for their divorce. My father married a new woman who had a son from a previous relationship. He and his new family eventually moved to another state. I loathed the woman that he married. She is complete trash and her son (my step-brother) isn't much better.
I hated my father for tearing my world apart. I simultaneously loved and despised him. That arrangement continued until he died. I treated him like shit and he desperately tried to reach out to me. He eventually split up with my step-mother and moved back to my state. I still remember the last time I saw him. As I went to leave he gave me a hug and said that he loved me. I gave him a half-hearted hug and walked away like I didn't even care. I relished treating him poorly. That was the last time I saw him alive and it haunts me. His girlfriend at the time told me that whenever I would leave their house he would cry because he couldn't talk to me. This haunts me as well.
I was always the smartest kid in class and my mother always told me how special I was. She filled my head with such grandiose praise that it turned me into an arrogant narcissist. I still suffer from this disgusting affliction to this day. I try to cover it up with self-deprecation but deep down I think I'm smarter, better, and more deserving than most everybody else. I find myself playing mind games with people. For example, if I feel somebody has slighted me I will ignore them in an attempt to prove how "I don't need them". This is one of the many games that I play. I am petty, vindictive, cruel, and manipulative. The real tragedy is that I know this and I can see myself acting in this way, but I still do it anyway.
For several years I had a girl who was my best friend. Our relationship was completely screwed up and unhealthy. She said that she was in love with me and that she wanted to be with me. I was not in love with her but I cared about her deeply. She desperately wanted to be my significant other and I desperately wanted to be her best friend. It's such a cruel joke that the girl I have been the closest to was the one that I didn't want. I continued to have sex with her when I shouldn't have. Because of this I probably gave her the wrong impression. She had significant faults and I had my own faults. She did things that hurt me deeply and vice-versa. She told me some months ago that "we don't need each other anymore". I haven't talked to her since then. Toward the end of our friendship it was quite obvious that she had no interest in me anymore or that she was trying to make it look that way. I think it's because she finally realized that I truly had no romantic feelings toward her. I still wonder to this day if she genuinely cared about me. I still love her but I hate her too. She is fickle, selfish (even more selfish than I am), and I do not respect her as a person. But, ever since she left my life I have nobody that I can really talk to. I miss her. It hurts to know that some of the people that I have loved are terribly flawed and they abandon me or I cannot connect with them. It is also bothersome to know that I did things to hurt them.
I believe deeply in God. I believe that He created us and that He loves us. I believe that His will is what should be followed. But, I hate Him. I hate Him for this shitty world and this predicament that we call life. I hate Him for giving me free will. I hate Him for giving me an above-average intellect but for not bestowing genius upon me. I hate Him for giving me the desire to live but for depriving me of the ability to do so. How could He have left me with such grand ambitions but without the needed energy to accomplish them? How can He have left me (and the human race) in such a pathetic state? How can He have made us so unable to undertsand or enact His will? We are utterly lost because of how He has made us. He has failed me just like my father failed me. I want to destroy. I want to destroy myself and spit in the face of God. I know that when I stand before Him I shall beg for His mercy, but until that happens I shall act like a nihilistic and petulant child. If Hell exists I will probably go to it. I simultaneously want God's guidance and love, but I refuse to be a slave to Him because of my pride. I should never have read any of Dostoyevsky's books; they have poisoned my mind and my soul. He has planted such paradoxes and gnawing despair in my head. I will always yearn for guidance and absolute truth, but I will always be enthralled with rebellion and self-destruction. My personal philosophies have contributed to my emotional and mental instability. I am completely paralyzed by dualism. I only want perfection or oblivion; nothing else matters or makes sense.
I am so selfish and self-absorbed that it makes me sick. I need to continually be embraced. I need so much love and acceptance that it is unhealthy. In this way I am like my father and this realization makes me disheartened. How did I manage to inheret all of his weaknesses?
I am too lucid. Most people are not able to see their faults. I am able to see mine with horrific clarity. Something is wrong with me and it only gets worse as the years go by. One day I will be normal and the next day I will hide in my apartment, sleep for 12 hours, and wallow in nothingness. I am tortured by my pain but I relish it at the same time. My narcissism makes me enjoy emotional torment; it makes me want to be a martyr. My mind is irreparably sick.
My brain is often held in a numbing torpor. I have no motivation or ambition. I have no idea what to do with my life. Nothing really interests me. I feel utterly whiny and pathetic for feeling these things. It disgusts me that I complain when some people have it much worse than I do. I live a comfortable life that most people would love to have. Yet, I am often not happy.
I cannot connect with most people. When I encounter most social situations I usually look at the ground and I self-analyze. I will never be the guy that walks into a room, cracks a bunch of jokes, and gets everybody smiling. When I start to experience emotional distress I tend to isolate myself by being aloof and anti-social. I desperately need people but I usualIy push them away because I worry that they will see me for what I am; a lost, unhappy, and sick young man.
If you have made it this far you are probably wondering, "Is this guy going to commit suicide"? No, I'm not. For now I cling to life and physical comfort like a coward.
I can't talk to the people in my life about these thoughts. I have friends that I hang out with, but I can't lay such heavy stuff upon them. I have several family members that I am close to and who would be there for me in a second (my Mother, Grandmother, and Uncle) but I could never burden them with these problems. I would feel ashamed to appear so weak before these people. I can't dissapoint them like that.
I will probably never be able to look any of my fellow Shroomerites in the eye ever again. All of this stuff is completely embarrassing to admit.
Why did I write all of this? 80% of it was that I needed to get it all out. The other 20% was that I wanted attention. I need a hug...even if it is a cyber-hug. This is admittedly pathetic but I don't care right now.
|
redtailedhawk
Explorer of the Mystery


Registered: 11/24/04
Posts: 559
Loc: The Old Continent
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5922270 - 08/01/06 03:41 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
First, a big cyber-hug to you for being so opened!
Now, realize that you're not pathetic my friend. Yes you have 'issues' but don't we all? In one way or another I can probably relate to at least 50% of the things you've said and I'm sure a lot of other people here do to. Try not to be so hard on yourself man; you're only human you know? Nobody solved all of his problems overnight. Being aware of your flaws and admitting them is the first step in the right direction. Things change. Life changes. Nobody is born perfect and we all learn along the way.
--------------------
"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."
|
TheHateCamel
Research &Development -DBK
Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 15,738
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5922280 - 08/01/06 03:45 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
That's not so bad.
At least your capable of critical introspection.
That means your also capable of consciously changing your behavior.
Shit, I assume the majority of people are much more fucked up than you Randal.
I assume that the views held by most people and the behavior of most people are being influenced by morbid and perverse factors that they can't even being to recognize and wouldn't care much about if they did.
Life is insane.
Try to have some dicipline and tough it out.
|
Twister
Lucrative


Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 6,672
Loc: Midwest
Last seen: 14 years, 20 days
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5922412 - 08/01/06 04:42 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
First of all, you're not alone. Everyone has their own demons, and I feel you with regard to much of what you said. Opening up to the people in your life that you are close to would surely not disappoint them. You seem to be tortured by your thoughts and letting them out to another person may help you deal with or reevaluate them. Of course its hard but in the end I imagine it would work out for the better.
|
trendal
J♠


Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 20,815
Loc: Ontario, Canada
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5922464 - 08/01/06 05:01 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
You sound like you're in the exact same mental state I was in until several years ago. It's really eerie how much of what you just wrote strikes a chord with me. I feel ya, Randal. I feel the narcissism. I feel the arrogance. I've been there. I've done that.
But things change. Everything changes. Change, in fact, is the only constant.
So where am I now? I'm still a narcissistic, arrogant, lazy pothead. A strange sort of calm has come over me, though, over the past couple years. Apathy is what did it, I think...and it's not all that bad. I just stopped caring. It works.
As for the narcissism bit...here's the thing: it seems that all of us who self-describe as a narcissist...aren't really that narcissistic. In fact I wouldn't even call us "narcissists" (lol, maybe "wannabe narcissists"). I know that my own narcissistic tendencies stem more from the fact that I know myself better than I know any other person than it does from an actual lack of caring for others. I also know that you care about others, and that alone makes you not a real narcissist (if you ever met a real one, you'd know).
The fact that you took the time to know what I was into (electronics & energy) and even more time to set aside some old electronics and news about energy so you could give it to me at the gathering....that meant a lot to me, Randal. It shows me that you aren't as self-centered as you might like to believe 
When one knows oneself to a degree above and beyond the knowledge of anyone else...it's hard not to come across (or feel) self-centered at times.
/rant
PS: you can still look me right in the eyes, man. You've got a lot to be proud of, so you keep those eyes up!
--------------------
Once, men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.
|
Crestfallen
some kindasomethin'

Registered: 07/23/04
Posts: 324
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: trendal]
#5922509 - 08/01/06 05:21 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Yeah man, i can prolly relate to 80% of what you're going through, what with the parental resentment and relationships.
And I wouldnt classify being able to see your own flaws as being a problem. Thats one thing that seems to come with psychedelics, clearing the lens of that comfortable dust most people would never even think of looking past.
Keep your head up man. After all, you're still alive and breathing. Every day is a blessing.
-------------------- The above statement is completely fictional and composed solely for the purpose of entertainment.
|
MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs


Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5922521 - 08/01/06 05:25 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
I see you managed to pint very well some of your past issues that influenced you into being who you are now and into feeling the way you feel. This introspection has real bases and that’s one of the reasons why you can’t go any further reaching to the next step, meaning the one where you should heal yourself. And that’s because you’re still held by the past making you unable to see the real value of what you’ve already stated. For you it’s some sort of auto protection. You kind of don’t want to change cause life gave you this.
Quote:
RandalFlagg said: For several years I had a girl who was my best friend. Our relationship was completely screwed up and unhealthy. She said that she was in love with me and that she wanted to be with me. I was not in love with her but I cared about her deeply. She desperately wanted to be my significant other and I desperately wanted to be her best friend. It's such a cruel joke that the girl I have been the closest to was the one that I didn't want. I continued to have sex with her when I shouldn't have. Because of this I probably gave her the wrong impression. She had significant faults and I had my own faults. She did things that hurt me deeply and vice-versa. She told me some months ago that "we don't need each other anymore". I haven't talked to her since then. Toward the end of our friendship it was quite obvious that she had no interest in me anymore or that she was trying to make it look that way. I think it's because she finally realized that I truly had no romantic feelings toward her.
Even with your girlfriend you needed to be just friends maybe for a stronger proof that she’ll be next to you without the romantic side cause that made you believe that she’s with you because of that, and maybe you considered you relationship unreal since you thought she’ll abandon you otherwise. When all you needed was something more “sincere” and dedicated. I don’t think you miss her, I think you miss what you never had with her and always wanted. And feel lonely since you two were pretty close.
Quote:
RandalFlagg said:
I am too lucid. Most people are not able to see their faults. I am able to see mine with horrific clarity. Something is wrong with me and it only gets worse as the years go by. One day I will be normal and the next day I will hide in my apartment, sleep for 12 hours, and wallow in nothingness. I am tortured by my pain but I relish it at the same time. My narcissism makes me enjoy emotional torment; it makes me want to be a martyr. My mind is irreparably sick.
Again yes, you are TOO lucid because for you it’s your protection shell. I think many people see themselves for who they are but don’t admit it to the others and even hide it from their selves. You have a big quality here by doing that and ironic, this brings you your misery too. You are so aware on so many levels of your faults that you see insufficient reason to make the shift. It’s very much like the saying that states that you can’t see the forest because of the trees. Whilst other people with even more faults then you, by denying them to themselves can change easier. Also I think it’s quite clear toy you that you’re punishing yourself by continuing to be like that, cause that gives you pain, it’s like a vicious circle. You’re punishing yourself for not wanting to forgive your father and for treating people with superiority and you’re punishing those around you, cause that way you know they’re close to what you’re feeling and that makes them more reachable to you. You have a common point, and the one that haunts you the most. You are ok for a period and then lock yourself up and sleep for 12 hours just because of that, cause in that time you’re vulnerable and most in danger to show other people that you’re kool with who you are, and maybe you think that somebody will take a heart and make reproaches to you about that. And then you’ll feel obligated to take measures, aka change the way you are.
Quote:
RandalFlagg said:
I am so selfish and self-absorbed that it makes me sick. I need to continually be embraced. I need so much love and acceptance that it is unhealthy. In this way I am like my father and this realization makes me disheartened. How did I manage to inheret all of his weaknesses?
You ARE like your father because that’s your way of paying your policies to him, not because you inherited that behavior from you dad. Because you wouldn’t understand him, forgive him and make peace to him and now you’re being him because there’s a part of you that thinks you deserve the treatment you gave him from someone else, and what better way could it be but behaving the way he did? Only you don’t have the full courage to go with it till the end so others can blame you the way you blamed him, so now you’re blaming yourself. Take some time and think deep with you analytic mind, cause it’s obvious that you have it and it works perfectly in that way and maybe you’ll come to the conclusion that there might be some truth in what I said here.
Quote:
RandalFlagg said:
I believe deeply in God. I believe that He created us and that He loves us. I believe that His will is what should be followed. But, I hate Him. I hate Him for this shitty world and this predicament that we call life. I hate Him for giving me free will. I hate Him for giving me an above-average intellect but for not bestowing genius upon me. I hate Him for giving me the desire to live but for depriving me of the ability to do so. How could He have left me with such grand ambitions but without the needed energy to accomplish them? How can He have left me (and the human race) in such a pathetic state? How can He have made us so unable to understand or enact His will? We are utterly lost because of how He has made us. He has failed me just like my father failed me. I want to destroy. I want to destroy myself and spit in the face of God. I know that when I stand before Him I shall beg for His mercy, but until that happens I shall act like a nihilistic and petulant child. If Hell exists I will probably go to it. I simultaneously want God's guidance and love, but I refuse to be a slave to Him because of my pride. I should never have read any of Dostoyevsky's books; they have poisoned my mind and my soul. He has planted such paradoxes and gnawing despair in my head. I will always yearn for guidance and absolute truth, but I will always be enthralled with rebellion and self-destruction. My personal philosophies have contributed to my emotional and mental instability. I am completely paralyzed by dualism. I only want perfection or oblivion; nothing else matters or makes sense.
Hmmm the God think goes way deeper and to make it full I think it will require a face to face discussion, but since we can’t have that I’ll try to make my best and get it as clear as I can through writing. You said you hate Him for free will just because you know he didn’t do that to you, that you’re the who did it(I’m referring of course to your behaviour) and the only one who can change it.. You hate Him cause He left you with grant ambitions but without the energy to accomplish them. Again you’re the one who gave yourself those ambitions, He just gave you the opportunity. And on the contrary, I think you have TOO much energy, only you prefer to focus it into making it worse, it’s somehow related to energy blocks, due to having too much energy. Too much energy + depression + the guilt trip that you’re having + the urge of punishing yourself results exactly what you’re saying, not having the energy to make your ambitions real.
I know that when I stand before Him I shall beg for His mercy, but until that happens I shall act like a nihilistic and petulant child.
You know that because then you’ll be out in front of all these truths and you’ll can’t deny anymore that this miserable state of mind you’re having is because you wanted it, not because He gave it to. Also that spitting into God’s face makes me believe that you have is more like a cry for what’s called salivations, It’s a dare. It’s your way of thinking that these’s nothing else that can change your mind but being forced to face the truth.
Quote:
RandalFlagg said: I need a hug...even if it is a cyber-hug. This is admittedly pathetic but I don't care right now.
A hug right now will only fees your present path. At least a hug from someone else. You need a hug from yourself, I know it sounds funny but I think you’re a smart guy and are able to read between the lines and see what I’m really talking about, so don’t take it literally. What I can do is pray for you and hope that you’ll be able to stop punishing yourself and stop putting so much energy into destroying yourself, that energy needs to go somewhere else.
--------------------
   All this time I've loved you And never known your face All this time I've missed you And searched this human race Here is true peace Here my heart knows calm Safe in your soul Bathed in your sighs
|
Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery


Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5922824 - 08/01/06 06:57 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Randal, Believe it or not your story is not unique. You feelings and experiences are only very slightly differing then the mass of humanity's.
Only living as a warrior can relieve you of living out the rest of your life in the same state as you are in now.
That's all there is IMO. Since you are clear enough to see much of what is wrong you must fix it yourself. No one including god is going to take mercy on your specialness. You're on your own.
I found the Castaneda books to be invaluable in defining the warriors way. Especially "Journey to Ixlan" and Tales of Power.
You da man Randyflag.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
|
The_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins


Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: Icelander]
#5922897 - 08/01/06 07:26 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
One good thing to know is to stop whining and start focusing on the goals you have.
but nothing.
-------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf... Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
|
Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5923084 - 08/01/06 08:28 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
My first thought was to look up the symptoms of acidosis which is a depleted state in the body of the calcium necessary for optimal neural function. My second thought was that the carbon-dioxide released into the atmosphere should equal that bound back into nature by way of bio-mass, calcification, and that one method dealing with global warming is to insure the incorporation of Co2 equals or exceeds the Co2 released.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
Edited by Booby (08/01/06 08:43 PM)
|
onicko721
I'm only human


Registered: 02/21/06
Posts: 67
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 10 years, 6 months
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: Booby]
#5923285 - 08/01/06 09:31 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
He isnt whining, he is just venting a tiny fraction of what most likely tumbles around in his mind every day.
Id really like to know what you like in your life at the moment? What interests you?
|
browndustin
dustybuddy

Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 2,957
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: trendal]
#5923384 - 08/01/06 09:56 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
trendal said: You sound like you're in the exact same mental state I was in until several years ago. It's really eerie how much of what you just wrote strikes a chord with me. I feel ya, Randal. I feel the narcissism. I feel the arrogance. I've been there. I've done that.
It's amazing. I think I made a carbon-copy post a couple of years back when I had an anxiety attack. And I notice a definite trend with posts like these.
Randal dude, we feel ya.
I think it would be great if you laid off the booze, started scheduling a walk or something each night and eventually got a job. Your head's all over the place when it should be "here and now". Sometimes a little less complication is better, mang.
You need to feel good for yourself and no one else. If you are so intelligent, why do you care to worry over needless thoughts? If you truly believe that you're brighter than most assholes in society, why are joe blow happier than you? Does it eat you up? It shouldn't.
You should remember to enjoy life and stop making things more complicated than they are. If there's a problem that won't go away like the demons regarding your father, why don't you make peace with them rather than letting them torture you? I know that it seems like it's much easier said than done, but I never said it would be easy. Like you, I am a realist. I just let myself see past the bullshit and only take what I have to. Don't take in so much negativity, man. Feel better, dammit! 
I know that my advice can never hail in comparison to other shroomerites'. I don't think things through, my eyes get watery from my home computer and I don't proof read things, but oh well. This is a heterosexual cyber-hug. You'd better recognize.
-------------------- When the stress burns my brain it's like acid raindrops maryjane is the only thing that makes the pain stop
|
ZippoZ
Knomadic


Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: browndustin]
#5923580 - 08/01/06 10:47 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Man, i read your post and took a while to think about what to say in response.
I have to say that from what you have said, you have some deep seated insecurities relating to your father, and guilt about his death. And im willing to bet that this is where your sense of feeling abandoned, by your father, by god, comes from. These arent very easy things to just deal with this far along in life, but it dosent mean that they cant be done.
im sure that you have heard me bitch abouut my time in mexico, and how they re-wired us from the inside out. There was this one aspect of the program that was espeically harsh. they called them the workshops. basically it was a weekend of them emotionally ripping you apart, and bringing you back to the exact moments in your life where you felt defeated and worse, and getting all of the past pain and agression and sadness and emotion out and dealt with.
Now dont get me wrong, i fucking hated this, everyone that went through it did, but i have to say that there were several people that were helped through this, and some more than others.
Im sure that this isnt what you wanted to hear, but i do think that if you want to deal with this shit, and get over it, that this might be the way for you to go.
Now, im sure that youre not going to go to some boys school for 10 months in mexico, but there are other ways for you to go about acheiving the same expierence and god willing effect.
if you
-------------------- PEACE
zippoz "in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption" "People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."
|
RandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: ZippoZ]
#5925693 - 08/02/06 02:47 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
I have read and re-read every single reply made to me. I see some very good advice.
I feel better after getting it all out, but I still feel embarrassed for breaking down so completely. I still have my problems and I probably always will. I will never be a very happy person, but maybe I can be a somewhat happy person.
Thank you all very much for the encouragement and kindness.
|
Veritas

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5926758 - 08/02/06 08:28 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
I will never be a very happy person, but maybe I can be a somewhat happy person.
How about a simpler goal: be.
If you can stop telling yourself stories about who you are, what has happened to you, what you deserve, what is wrong with your life, etc...you may find out that you enjoy being alive. 
There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Everyone has problems, everyone has issues, everyone feels emotions they would rather not feel. It is called being human.
Best to you, RF.
|
Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5926867 - 08/02/06 09:09 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Veritas said:
How about a simpler goal: be.
I agree; Use your prowess to find a simpler solution: http://shirleymaclaine.com/encounter/showthread.php?p=699405#post699405
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
|
Noetical
Flip Horrorshow

Registered: 11/28/04
Posts: 9,230
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5927236 - 08/02/06 10:38 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
I saw my hero (my father) for what he was; human. I saw his flaws.
had the same thing happen to me too, fucked me up big time.
|
carshissbymywinda

Registered: 03/18/06
Posts: 2,697
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: Noetical]
#5931684 - 08/04/06 02:44 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Noetical said: I saw my hero (my father) for what he was; human. I saw his flaws. had the same thing happen to me too, fucked me up big time.
same here 
A late to you Randal
|
Silent_Vinny
Stranger

Registered: 03/31/05
Posts: 158
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5950338 - 08/10/06 11:58 AM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Life can be fuckin cool, or a drag.
Be honest with yourself and everybody else.
You're getting mad at the wrong God. Our creator, Lord God Almighty, didn't make a mistake. He knows what he's doing, and you should find things in life that would embrace that idea. He gave us a free-mind, a mind to enjoy every visual this life has to offer. But because certain men denied that feeling...(got bored of it..wanted to see what killing a man would be like)..the perceptions of the newborn become distorted...but they still have a choice..to go out and find whatever it is that makes them feel happy. I truly believe someone who knows they do wrong to people, or to themselves are never happy even if they live comfortably.
Missing something. We're all missing something. It's up to you to find it. Find her...save them...create life...spoil them.
It is not God that is the problem...he made us, and he will guide us in whatever way you allow him too. The one's that create such evil, such bad thoughts..are the ones that came up with religion..Satan...God fearers. So sad. I speak from experience as my dad walks in it. He doesn't understand the natural thought, the internal/external embrace of our imaginations that can be magnified through people, art, and inventions.
Your're taking things for granted. Including people. Don't. It's not worth it.
Think of everyone as being different, unique, but overall hopefully happy. And if they ain't, make them happy. Use your imagination through these tough times. A lot of good people have their hearts in the wrong places.
It's up to you.
|
BlindLemon
waves


Registered: 04/20/06
Posts: 628
Loc: so cal
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
|
Re: Something is wrong with me [Re: Silent_Vinny]
#5950393 - 08/10/06 12:15 PM (17 years, 5 months ago) |
|
|
Living is not a comfort, living is a challenge. What seems to be your problem is that you view live from a false perspective when you were little.
Life is hard, and no matter what It seems, others suffer just as much as you do some times.
I myself have finally.... finally figured out a state of mind that put me at peace with my existence.
Try looking at life like this:
Every one has their own separate reality. And every one experiences good and bad things. But if a poor person gets 1000 dollars it’s like some unbelievable event. But 1000 dollars is just pocket change to some one rich.
My point is, that no matter what has happened to you, it’s ok to let go. Why dwell on the past. It’s useless. Its important to acknowledge what has happened, but do not keep dwelling on it because all that will do is make you depressed. The past in unchangeable, so learn from it and MOVE ON!
Think of every thing as a path, and ask if this path has heart. If it has heart, then follow it.
Be happy with what you already have, because I guarantee you, threes a homeless person out there that is content and as happy as can be.
And the rest… well the rest will just come in time.
--------------------
Im a fucking spiral..
|
|