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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: DeathCompany]
    #5908420 - 07/28/06 09:34 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

i dunno. i feel PRETTY good.. but even when imnot analyzing things.. i dont feel completely satisfied. its not like im in a good mood all the time. im not sad.. it just feels like im missing something, i dont have that little spark which makes you interested in conversations or joking around (unless im with certain people).

i dont usually have days though where something goes right and it makes me really happy, where i wanna just talk to everyone. i wish i had more of those :frown:


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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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Invisiblemecreateme
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5908826 - 07/28/06 12:32 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Get that book man(Be Here Now). If you bought 20 books and none of them helped in the least, you are shopping in the wrong section. I reccomended it to you in another thread for a REASON. Not so you could brush it off. :grin:

You should be able to find it at any Barnes and Noble/Books-A-Million/Borders or any other big bookstore.


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No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: mecreateme]
    #5913784 - 07/30/06 01:47 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

you know... maybe im depressed? i never thought about it before.. but perhaps it could be it. any time ive thought of 'being depressed' in the past ive just been like 'oh whatever, im definitely not depressed because im never really SAD.. " but then i thought about it.. and im not just HAPPY either. only when something stimulates me.


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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5913866 - 07/30/06 02:35 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Well...this is something I've learned for myself.  It took a long time to "get" if you will.  Again...this is for me. 

Life is not constantly happy.  It's just not.  Many people believe (as I did) that because I was not in a constant state of happiness that I was depressed.  So I started to think of myself as depressed.  And once you begin to define yourself like that, it's all downhill from there.  I actually got caught in a neverending loop of depression and instability. My thoughts really did create that one. 

I just recently broke free.  Let the LIGHT come in.  Now my candle is burning, burning...and growing brighter.  I am almost never happy.  But I am at peace, content and satisfied (as long as I am doing what I need to do to be like that).  I am a very emotional person and just about anything can send me over the edge into emotional turmoil.  I experience great sorrow, rage, frustration and YES, even depression on occasion.  But I no longer let my FEELINGS define my state of being.  I simply experience them to the max, like a psychedelic trip, loving the fact that I CAN experience feelings of such potency. Not everyone has that ability because everyone is different.  I just happen to be emotionally unstable.  :laugh:

You don't want to be sedated, either.  If you are sedated to the point where you don't FEEL...yikes, you are missing out on an important part of LIFE. 

And if you feel like you don't feel ENOUGH...don't worry about it.  Look, there's no ONE WAY to *BE*, we're all different here.  There's no measuring stick for how often someone should feel what feelings.  That's silly.  Just find peace in who YOU are.  The most important thing is simply to be, and however you choose to be, that's the way you're gonna be.  But remember: it's not a big deal.  You have the power over you here.  You can change anything about yourself you don't like. 

Don't look for things to worry about.  If you feel you are missing something in your life, you likely need a lifestyle change.  I see many people who simply are not fulfilled in their hearts and they wonder why. It's probably because they're not listening to what their heart is whispering.  Or their ego is clouding the message.  Either way, there's really no one way of living or feeling, or experiencing.  We're all just as blind as the next person, or just as visionary. 

If you truly feel like you are stuck in the rut of depression...it takes POSITIVE ENERGY to pull out of it.  Energy, energy, energy, positive energy.  Spread it whereever you go, and it's sure to come back to you 

Good luck, Limelight, just a few of my thoughts.  :heart:


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: mecreateme]
    #5914648 - 07/30/06 10:55 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

mecreateme said:
Get that book man(Be Here Now). If you bought 20 books and none of them helped in the least, you are shopping in the wrong section. I reccomended it to you in another thread for a REASON. Not so you could brush it off. :grin:

You should be able to find it at any Barnes and Noble/Books-A-Million/Borders or any other big bookstore.




i bought it the day i made this thread heh.
i read a little bit of the intro and it made sense. im right in the middle of 2 other books now so im trying to decide if i should start the third.


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: MOTH]
    #5914668 - 07/30/06 11:05 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

EllemyshShade said:
Well...this is something I've learned for myself.  It took a long time to "get" if you will.  Again...this is for me. 

Life is not constantly happy.  It's just not.  Many people believe (as I did) that because I was not in a constant state of happiness that I was depressed.  So I started to think of myself as depressed.  And once you begin to define yourself like that, it's all downhill from there.  I actually got caught in a neverending loop of depression and instability. My thoughts really did create that one. 

I just recently broke free.  Let the LIGHT come in.  Now my candle is burning, burning...and growing brighter.  I am almost never happy.  But I am at peace, content and satisfied (as long as I am doing what I need to do to be like that).  I am a very emotional person and just about anything can send me over the edge into emotional turmoil.  I experience great sorrow, rage, frustration and YES, even depression on occasion.  But I no longer let my FEELINGS define my state of being.  I simply experience them to the max, like a psychedelic trip, loving the fact that I CAN experience feelings of such potency. Not everyone has that ability because everyone is different.  I just happen to be emotionally unstable.  :laugh:

You don't want to be sedated, either.  If you are sedated to the point where you don't FEEL...yikes, you are missing out on an important part of LIFE. 

And if you feel like you don't feel ENOUGH...don't worry about it.  Look, there's no ONE WAY to *BE*, we're all different here.  There's no measuring stick for how often someone should feel what feelings.  That's silly.  Just find peace in who YOU are.  The most important thing is simply to be, and however you choose to be, that's the way you're gonna be.  But remember: it's not a big deal.  You have the power over you here.  You can change anything about yourself you don't like. 

Don't look for things to worry about.  If you feel you are missing something in your life, you likely need a lifestyle change.  I see many people who simply are not fulfilled in their hearts and they wonder why. It's probably because they're not listening to what their heart is whispering.  Or their ego is clouding the message.  Either way, there's really no one way of living or feeling, or experiencing.  We're all just as blind as the next person, or just as visionary. 

If you truly feel like you are stuck in the rut of depression...it takes POSITIVE ENERGY to pull out of it.  Energy, energy, energy, positive energy.  Spread it whereever you go, and it's sure to come back to you 

Good luck, Limelight, just a few of my thoughts.  :heart:




that is great wisom, as always :smile: sometimes i wonder how you guys know so much. how old are you?

what would you recommend that i do on a realistic level so that my ego doesnt cloud the whispers (thats such a good way of putting it). in fact.. just this morning i went to take a piss (i always seem to have epiphanies while taking a piss), and i realized that in the past, a little voice told me to get to know this guy. hes a very scary looking guy (hes my roommate).. hes really anti-social, and from the ghetto. in my mind i think it whispered to do what i fear to better myself. not to be his good friend, but to just better my interaction with a bigger variety. i glossed over this voice almost like it didn't exist. i only realized it later that it created a tension.
the same thing with doing my laundry. i guess i do this a lot.. although i hardly EVER hear that whisper :frown:
but yeah, any ideas how how to fix this? will the Be Here Now book help? or is there anything else I can do.

i can see that i need positive energy, unfortunately theres not much here.

today isnt such a good day i feel like. i woke up and had a dream. i just bought a dream journal so i was excited to finally write my first dream. as i wrote it out.. i saw a lot of disturbing themes. i dunno if i should look into them or not, but its really odd. in my dream i was basically somewhat belligerent on a very subtle scale.
-someone waved me over and i said hi but then walked by w/o talking
-my clothes were really stained.. showing carelessness or something (or not doing my laundry. lol)
-when i went to the bathroom i pushed the door really hard and it bent.. (showing no patience?)

there were some more small things like that.

i have one more question. this was stated in my other post.. however it wasn't as clear. you said something to help me clarify it.
how do i know when its my real whisper talking, and when it's my ego warping it? this is the other very problem that drives me nuts.. because i cant believe anything i hear in my head which suggests things. there are way too many 'suggestions' and i dont know which i should follow.


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5914707 - 07/30/06 11:26 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

im bored and i ran out of laundry detergent, so i drew this diagram in paint. lol...

keep in mind this is only when i think about it. or when i try to assess why i feel down.

for example right now i feel 'down.' i feel like someone took all the vertebrae in my spine and tightened them all 1 mm. its like i have a weight on me thats very subtle. its almost not like a physical weight.. but like a weight on my emotions, if that makes sense.

i think 'what is causing this?' and i think of 100 different things it could be.
my dream, the fact that im hungry, the fact that i made an ass out of myself the other day drinking, the fact that surgery is soon.

theres SOOOOO many things.. it cant be all of them. it COULD just as easily be one i havent thought of. until i realize what it is.. this feeling doesnt ever go away.

if i try to be here now, and dont think, the weight is still there, although, maybe im not doing it long enough. who knows.
ill just go for it and read this book, even though im in the middle of 2 other books. ill just read it because i have a feeling it will answer a lot of my questions, or else you wouldnt be recommending it so highly :smile:

just another thing i noticed. someone called my name as i was writing this. we talked about techno for like 20 seconds. during that time i was distracted, and i didnt feel 'down' because other things were on my mind. so.. i guess this is how it doesnt affect me in day to day life really, only when im walking by myself, hanging out with people when i dont say much, or right before bed. its cause during those times i dont have something to take my mind off of it. thats cool, i never realized that.



--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


Edited by Limelight (07/30/06 11:27 AM)


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5914844 - 07/30/06 12:29 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

btw, i dont mean to dismiss all your advice. im not :sun:

im just continuing to write things as i realize them for the first time.

its actually weird looking at that diagram. i knew what an ego was before, but now i think i actually KNOW. i think i do.. that picture i drew sorta put things in perspective.

the only thing that it tells me NOW is that - say i am living in the now. im bypassing my ego. therefore it cant get clouded in the first place. say i still have this emotional weight... then that means it can only be that my soul is damaged somehow, or its clouded by something deeper than my ego, or maybe at least the lowest depths of perception before it gets to my soul. i dont want to think its damaged because ive had certain days where i feel GREAT, so obviously im capable of doing that without drugs or any other stimulation.


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineDr_Mcgillicuddy
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5915001 - 07/30/06 01:31 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Dude you should learn to play an instrument


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Dr_Mcgillicuddy]
    #5915127 - 07/30/06 02:25 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Dr_Mcgillicuddy said:
Dude you should learn to play an instrument




i have a SICK guitar, but i could never really get into it :frown:
for the same reason. ill have just ONE day where i wanna play for like 5 hours, but then all the rest of the time i just think about playing it and im like blah.
i played for 3 years and got to a point where it was the plateu. i would play and play and didnt get any better. i sorta fluttered out after that. i am no doubt gonna learn some day, because i have such a nice guitar.


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5915129 - 07/30/06 02:25 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

i do like to do art though :smile:

http://umich.edu/~travissk


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5916324 - 07/30/06 08:23 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

miss shade - read this after your PM.

just in the last 5 min, i read a PM from someone on a different forum who saw one of my posts about this very same topic (although not nearly as indepth).
he pm'ed me and at first i thought 'wow... this guy is JUST like me.' finally i have someone to give me _specific_ answers/guidance to my situation. i finally have someone who is that 1/1000 that is just as much as an oddball as me.
but he replied back and his reply was slightly off. just ever so slightly. even though we may be so close.. it feels still 10000000 miles away because his problem is not exactly as mine. therefore im back at square one. i was so close, yet so far. i once again have to figure out the problem on my own, and i feel like im not capable :frown: i can never really take faith in any advice someone gives me, because i always find ways which it doesnt apply to me.
so even in this situation, where the same advice may have helped.. i feel like its so distant because its not exactly like ME. and yet ir ealize its so STUPID to expect anyone to be just like me. its basically ALL UP TO ME. but then i think... "if its just up to me, what happens if the ME cant figure my problem out?"
im basically screwed, NO MATTER what advice people give me :frown:

and once again, it ALL goes back to "ok.. given that, who cares? this barely affects you in real life. how can you make such a big deal out of this?"

oh.. because its FUCKING THERE.. im not hiding from it.

its like a demon in my head fucking with me lol. sigh.

k well after that rant im going to watch a movie with my buddie, where i will be content and completely forget about this conversation. oh the irony.


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5916342 - 07/30/06 08:30 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

i should clarify. there are 2 states of mind.

in the loop.

out of the loop.

in the loop is during at nighttime, like now, when im posting on this board. my mind just goes wild.. this never applies to standard sober life, but i figure if its there in the first place i should recognize it, and not dismiss it. this is why it hink it is both important and not important at the same time.

out of the loop is during day to day life when im occupied. i NEVER think in these sort of loops. ic an get along iwth people 100% fine. but during this time i have an emotional haze that seems to be a weight, as i described before.

in the loop is as you see.. its huge rambling posts.

if youre wondering how this SAME problem applies to me outside of when im posting on this forum, its that when im OUT of the loop.. in that stupid cloud.. im always wondering how i can imporve me mood. so compare that to the question as when im IN the loop (why am i in this loop in the first place?). its almost like theres 2 versions of it. its like day to day, i feel like something is 'missing' but i can never figure out what it is... and so far nothing has helped. its almost like a more relaxed version of IN the loop.

so for advice -
i cant take advice from myself because i never believe anything i think.
i cant take advice from other people because i always find rationalizations why it wouldn't work for me. you can say 'why not try it' but my brain doesnt take that. it rejects it and thinks it could be something else.

FUCKlkajel;gkajew;lgkaje;lgkjawe;lgkjae;lgkj

this is all so stupid. if you saw me in real life youd NEVER think that i could EVER come up wtih such nonsense. just reading over that pisses me off because its all so trivial. fuclakeja;lekfj;aelkj

k im seriously leaving now


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


Edited by Limelight (07/30/06 08:33 PM)


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5916343 - 07/30/06 08:31 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

it is kind of funny, to the people reading this. they prolly like "dude you are ALREADY fucking crazy"

hahaha :lol:


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5916369 - 07/30/06 08:40 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

one thing it boils down to is this. this is what freaks me out the most.

on this board it seems like im a complete nutcase. i feel like im crazy all the time. this is simple observation.

in real life, you can see that im completely normal. this is also simple observation. i am capable of doing tasks that i set my mind to, doing laundry when i feel i should, etc. just daily life. making friends etc. i dont EVER feel like im 'crazy'. i dont think its repression either. i honestly DONT think about it.. it just doesnt usually ever come up at all in my thoughts. if it does, its so distant.

basically, both are true, but HOW CAN THAT BE? anyone that is truly crazy like this cant be capable of doing things. i have NEVER met anyone who would EVERRRRRRRRRR make such ridiculous posts as this. yet in this material life i am no different from all my friends. it is very simply seen that i am just like other people. i am hardly anti-social. i LOVE to go out and do things.

and on the other hand if i AM thinking these crazy things, maybe im fooling myself.

its this duality which causes most frusteration. it ping-pongs back and forth and i think this is why my posts are so long. its like one part of me feels insane, and the other part of me sees that im really no insane and its fighting back holding shit together, because it SEES that in every day life, there really is NO FUCKING PROBLEM (aside from a slight emotional thing which can easily be fixed probably).

and yes, i could delete this post right now. but ill post it anway. im just posting a stream-of-consciousness.. and i just realized that. never thought of that before either.

*deep breath*


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


Edited by Limelight (07/30/06 08:49 PM)


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5916376 - 07/30/06 08:42 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

duality can suck my balls.


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


Edited by Limelight (07/30/06 08:44 PM)


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Offlineevolprim
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5918362 - 07/31/06 11:59 AM (17 years, 5 months ago)

if you think your crazy.. your probably not crazy


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OfflineGatesOfDawn06
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: evolprim]
    #5918408 - 07/31/06 12:17 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Crazy people dont know there crazy, so if you are in touch with your crazyness your probably not as crazy as you think.

just a tip: you should never trip, if you or a family member has any signs of scitzofrenia, you can open doors in your head never ment to be opened and seise to exist in your own thoughts, take Mr.Syd Barrett as an example


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OfflineLimelight
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: GatesOfDawn06]
    #5918432 - 07/31/06 12:27 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

well no one in my family ever had schizophrenia.

tripping actually clears my head out for a few days.


eshade- do you think ego loss would be wise at this point? maybe i should say fuck my stupid ego, it can dissolve by the almighty power of the shrooms. lol


--------------------
"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."


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OfflineClammyJoe
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Re: i feel like im goin crazy :p [Re: Limelight]
    #5918474 - 07/31/06 12:47 PM (17 years, 5 months ago)

Its just you trying to find yourself, I'm pretty sure I went through this in high school


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