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 Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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 Question about finding answers... 
#5874662 - 07/18/06 07:00 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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Throughout my past few years (im 21), I've had a lot of things which have been right below the surface of my consciousness. They bother me, and I'm aware of them, but I can't seem to root them out. They aren't debilitating in any way besides the fact that every day i think about them at least once, and i talk to myself in my own mind trying to explain where the cause comes from. i have many friends and i am well liked, but that doesnt seem to help. i always try and find the initial cause of this frusteration, but do to the fact that human nature is rarely linear causality (A-B-C), i can never seem to find how it originated. and the fact that i dont know also really bothers me.
My troubles have evolved over the years. Here's a quickie list
-started with feeling like i was crazy/schizophrenic, but really that was just an illusion
-trying to find the root of my analytical thinking
-unfocused mind, and trying to fix it
-my confidence issues, and how to resolve them
-currently, im drealing with a slower-acting mind.. theres like a haze over it it seems. i usually have not a lot of energy and after talking to someone for 5+ hours i feel like my mind is very mentally fatigued.
Regardless, ive pretty much always had something on my mind that I need to work on, and I've never found an answer. The only thing it does is slowly evolve into a different thing i need to work on.
I've tried many things like meditation, self-help books, advice from MANY enlightened people and forums, etc etc. I even seeked some advice from an old hippie who gave me some great quotes.
Regardless... i feel like I can't apply any of it, and i think its because only YOU can find your own way. You can hear advice from others, but you can never REALLY konw what it means, or internalize it, until you realize it for yourself.
This brings up my problem. I've tried many ways to reach a level where im HAPPY all the time. Generally, on a scale from 1-10, where 1 is suicidal, 10 is a feeling of sublime ecstasy, and 5 is completely and 100% normal (thoughts are clear, no bad thoughts, no good thoughts). I'm at about a 4.5. I definitely have my fair share of 5+ experiences, but I generally just feel not so good.
I have tried many things over the years and none seem to help. It seems almost like i'm not able to reach this point of clarity in my life. I realize at THIS point, is where youre life takes off because you are unrestricted. at this point, you expand and grow in ways unimaginable. Right now though, i feel like this point isn't near.
I feel like i dont know what to do. my thoughts often just go in loops. I have debates with myself in my head, then i forget about them, then i move on. no harm.
I guess im just disappointed that i feel other people, even though they have problems, they are CONTENT. i dont feel content.. it seems like there is always SOMETHING (even if its very minor) thats under my skin. I have tried many many things, and nothing seems to help. it helps for a day and thats it.
I almost feel like ill never find my point of 'clarity'.. or ill be really fuckin old.
this feeling hasnt gotten worse, it actually got better after i did acid, but that lasted about a week.
how can i succeed, given the fact that advice doesnt help ME, and also given the fact that i am not really going anywhere in my mind.
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
Edited by Limelight (07/18/06 07:02 PM)
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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 Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5874685 - 07/18/06 07:04 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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ok.. i realized another thing which is important.
i FEEL like i have problems, yet i cant pinpoint what they are.... you could ask me what problems im having specifically and i couldntr eally say. its like some driving force is telling me that i have a problem i need to fix.. but im not sure what it is..
As a result, from day to day, some random unrelated event will happen, and ill have an internal dialogue in my head which will try and explain my own flaw to myself, and ill start up a little back and forth argument of yes/no/yes/no and then ill realize its not even a big deal and ill move on.
so i think my mind just finds random issues that EVERYONE has, but it magnifies them and makes me feel like they are worse off than normal.
im not sure what initially is making me think of these things though.
its funny... because, it seems like there is a part of me that im not aware of at work. like a little demonoid creature in side of me, and an enlightened part inside of me.
the demonoid part feeds me constant streams of thought about how i am unsuccessful at something, or that im going crazy, or that i have no confidence, or that im inferior to most other people who CAN work out their problems (thats important)... but then the light side comes in, i think about the situation and realize its stupid and i forget about it. other times the light side doesnt come in or isnt strong enough, and ill end up trying to find a way to fix the problem because i will actually think something is wrong.
in almost every case, the way that i try to fix the problem will fall flat (meditation, buying books, seeking advice). its just like the advice doesnt apply to me... and ill just be left confused, and feeling like the advice doesnt work for me for some reason.
ironically, the VERY act of making this thread proves my point. the darker side told me to make the thread and ask how to fix something.. and the lighter side didnt chime in.. so i made the thread
something feels like its wrong, but i dont even know WHAT. the thing that feels like is wrong is the very thing making me make thsi thread.. its like a fucking loop that doesnt have a beginning or end.
as an example:
the darkside will come in and say 'you think too much'
the light side will say 'lots of people think too much. simply stop thinking so much'
then i will try, but something (that deminoid) will FORCE me to think and analyze... and the lightside wont chime in to help.. so, as a result, ill look for a way to let out my stress.
(this actually happened yesterday).
i called my dad and he said i probably analyze things too much. i agree... but how can i agree, and at the same time STILL DO IT?
its like a part of me is making me think when i dont want to... and the sane part of my mind is batting it down, sometimes it wins, sometimes it loses. the times it loses i end up making huge fucking rambling threads, asking advice, or seeking ways to fix my not-even-true problems that i 'think' i have. thats why all the things that i seek to help never work.. i probably dont have the problem in the first place (and the fact that i havent found the enlightenment myself).
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
Edited by Limelight (07/18/06 07:14 PM)
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 redgreenvines
irregular verb
Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 38,173
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5874705 - 07/18/06 07:07 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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an old trinidad master once told me to go out of the room
and then come back in.
personally I like the aikido approach which is orbital, inoffensive and grounding, you grip your opponent and let their momentum guide them to the ground as you circle out of the way.
by eluding you connect
by helping you conquer
we are essentially paradoxical.
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_  🧠_ 
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ClammyJoe
Azurescen Head
Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 3,691
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5874709 - 07/18/06 07:08 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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It does sound kinda like you have some anxiety, which some of this could stem from.
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: ClammyJoe]
#5874732 - 07/18/06 07:15 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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anxiety seems like it. but i dont even know what im anxious of.. its really fucking weird.
i have approach anxiety when approaching girls, but so does everyone. and its not enough where i cant approach girls.
often times i feel like i dont connect completely with my friends (i feel like im alone when im with my friends).. YET, i have so many friends i cant count, and they all like me a lot (not to sound narcisistic, but this is true because they ask me to do things all the time and like my company. im saying this just for the sake of argument)
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5874749 - 07/18/06 07:18 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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and fuck, why do i analyze my own thinking.
its so weird 
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5874763 - 07/18/06 07:20 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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lol, i just took a piss and thought to myself
"why did i even make that thread? youre fine."
see, it all changes so quickly.... yet there is something there or i wouldnt have made this in teh first place.
maybe i need to focus more on something..... i guess i just have a wandering mind with nothing for it to go to.
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
Edited by Limelight (07/18/06 07:36 PM)
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5874866 - 07/18/06 07:37 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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another thing is that im skeptical of whatever i think, due to my track record. i realize that 90% of the things i think are wrong with me probably arent even true. so that means whenever i get advice, or whenever i tell myself just to DO SOMETHHING, im skeptical of that to, and its almost impossible for me to have faith.
fuck paradoxes mang
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
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ClammyJoe
Azurescen Head
Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 3,691
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5874956 - 07/18/06 07:52 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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I can relate to what you're saying though. I go through bouts of this kind of stuff, but it comes and goes. I question myself, my life, my mind, my friends, my family, everything, and its kind of mentally unsettling.
You're fine, and things will be good, as soon as you can relax and accept everything.
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WackyTobaccy
Friend of the Fungus
Registered: 08/07/05
Posts: 58
Loc: Washington 
Last seen: 3 years, 4 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: ClammyJoe]
#5875003 - 07/18/06 08:01 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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I know exactly what you're talking about how you have to find you're own way. Understanding comes only from experience and in my experience, mushrooms will give you the experience(s) that will show you what you want to understand. You just have to know what you want to learn, or where you want to go.
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truekimbo2
Cya later, friends.
Registered: 12/08/02
Posts: 9,234
Loc: ny
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: WackyTobaccy]
#5875034 - 07/18/06 08:07 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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limelight, i have the exact same thing. its been getting more and more automatic and less and less disturbing and more helpful.
it feels like the process of becoming who i really am, devoid of outside influence or negativity. i know this is stero typical bullshit advice, but both the good and bad advice were part of the same coin for me, and the more i just let the coin spin and don't pay attention to it the more i feel like i get benifit from both sides.
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You can check the last post in my journal for contact info.
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: truekimbo2]
#5875094 - 07/18/06 08:17 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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dude that last post makes so much sence. i have a hard time describing it because its a fleeting thought.. but i constantly have issues with duality being one and the same. like the very advice im getting is innately affected by the other half.
I suppose i will take your advice and let the coin spin. even though i have bombarding feelings like something is wrong.. i will REALLY try to ignore them.
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
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ClammyJoe
Azurescen Head
Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 3,691
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5875123 - 07/18/06 08:21 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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I wouldn't suggest ignoring them, as much as maybe even accepting them as part of a process, normal to human nature, and not worrying about it.
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EquilibriuM
dream stalker
Registered: 07/17/05
Posts: 2,323
Last seen: 16 years, 9 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5875148 - 07/18/06 08:24 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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You must find the proper question before seeking the answer.
What good is the right answer to the wrong problem?
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HELP!!!!!!!!!
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: EquilibriuM]
#5875174 - 07/18/06 08:28 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
EquilibriuM said:
You must find the proper question before seeking the answer.
What good is the right answer to the wrong problem?
exactly. i dont know what question im looking for, and based on my past years ... it looks like i wont be able to find it. im utterly lost, and it doesnt seem like it will just 'come to me' which im sure a lot of people will say.
and yes i know if i think like that, then it probably WONT happen, but i HAVE tried thinking that it will come to me.. but no it never did. years later im still looking for the question
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
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Limelight
IntrepidTraveler
Registered: 04/06/05
Posts: 791
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5875206 - 07/18/06 08:36 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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it still bothers me though that all these thoughts are here in my mind in the first place.... i doubt anyone else has them. it makes me feel defective somehow, like something is actually wrong with me.
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"The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room."
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EquilibriuM
dream stalker
Registered: 07/17/05
Posts: 2,323
Last seen: 16 years, 9 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: Limelight]
#5875222 - 07/18/06 08:39 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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Your only 21. I don't know the answers either, I'm still looking for the right questions. There is no end in sight. Be happy, let it flow.
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HELP!!!!!!!!!
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capliberty
Stranger
Registered: 04/23/06
Posts: 1,949
Last seen: 14 years, 7 months
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: EquilibriuM]
#5875388 - 07/18/06 09:20 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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discontent, nervousness, anxiousness, unsettling, confused, mood swing, advice not helping, underlined issues, analyzing, emptiness,
Maybe you have some underlining fear about instability of your life, that you want to fix things to make yourself more secure and less anxious, maybe its ur environment, finances, I don't know,
Its sounds like ur innate motivational motor has no direction, and seeks one by trying to solve problems to improve ur situation, I think everyone has these tendencies,
and finds themselves not having enough ambition to be consistent in following through in any direction
ur sense of tranquility is being tested because ur environment doesn't induce this natural feel,
alot people see tranquility is just a state of being, but really ur state of being is effected by alot of factors,
maybe you haven't discovered ur niche, or an outlet, maybe u don't get out too much, or no one shows you that much concern,
idea: maybe go out to a small casino/bar, get faded, play some poker, but don't play it too aggressively in where u lose too much, be conservative, learn, and chill, this is an example for just chillin and learning, good combination, its natural, and theirs no advice needed to feel tranquil, ur buzzed, ur learning, LOL,......... this maybe some stupid advice, Oh well I tried
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psiclops
# 1
Registered: 12/06/02
Posts: 1,965
Loc: PNW
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: capliberty]
#5875773 - 07/18/06 10:45 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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You need to get laid, dude.
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StickyWater
Stranger
Registered: 06/09/05
Posts: 1,680
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Re: Question about finding answers... [Re: capliberty]
#5875784 - 07/18/06 10:49 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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This sounds somewhat similar to something I have, particularily with the yes/no arguments and then that other voice... Although for me the other voice is not really a constant thing but comes with periods of depression that can last anywhere from a week to a couple months. For most of my life I just kind of accepted it and figured it was normal or nothing to be worried about and it slowly started to destroy me because I figured that yeah, I was a fucked up sociopath or something. What I do is every time I get into a yes or no debate with myself over my flaws I always force myself to keep searching for proof and evidence that this negative voice is wrong and that there's no need for any concern.
For example, that little voice comes in and tells you that you're worthless and there's something wrong with you and you'll never know what it is, go through that little bit of yes/no bit, and then just start thinking back for life achievements, things you've won, done with your life, things you can do that other people can't, things you've seen and experienced that other people can't even understand until you realize that yeah, you've done a lot with yourself, you've had a lot of interesting experiences, and even if there's something wrong with you, it didn't stop you then so why let it stop you now?
As you said, only YOU can really solve this problem, nobody can give you an answer.
Just try to get into the habbit of convincing yourself otherwise when you feel doubtful about yourself and eventually you'll find that you're having more positive thoughts than negatives simply by forming a pattern of ending it with a positive attitude towards the problem... I hope this isn't hard to follow or anything, just got my hands on some white rhino *drool*
(also like to add that getting over that problem will help you with your confidence issues, and will make finding the root of your problems easier as you wont be always forced into those self criticizing thought loops)
Edited by StickyWater (07/18/06 10:53 PM)
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