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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Why the fuck do we read these?
#5860446 - 07/15/06 12:40 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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As I writer I reserve the right to forewarn you that this is probably going to be on of those pieces of writing that just sort of leaves you feeling like you were better off not reading it. Not in the sense that it's sick or disturbing, in fact it contains little if not anything in a sick manner whatsoever. I'm just sort of rambling over the thoughts in my head and I appreciate whoever you are for reading these, because it's funny knowing that the voice in my own head is probably read in someone elses head in some corner of the world, in whatever voice or accent you pose. My thoughts are echoing off the walls of someones skull... (that's a cool thought in itself)
So, where to begin with this?
Ok, well as I sit here typing this a friend of mine is quite possibly having a life-ending heart attack from which she is completely obliviously indifferent to. It's like she's just sitting there letting this motherfucker squeeze the life out of her heart. Like, she knows this could kill her and she would probably do something to fix it if she wasn't so fucking lazy and miserable. Last night was spent in her company and she took, what, all of a quarter of a pill along with a heap of piss. Later on she starts saying all this shit like "oh my god... I can't breathe! it feels like something is squeezing my heart!" obviously having some kind of heart attack, whether it be mild or major in front of our very eyes. So everyone just sort of literally buries their head in the sand and pretending like it's not happening. "Yeah it's probably just the pill... it'll wear off" or "she'll come right" and she was even saying that kind of shit herself. But, I mean, for fucks sake you're having some kind of heart attack, I feel like some out-of-my-mind acid loony sitting there saying "uh, I really want to call an ambulance for her... this is pretty fucked up". So we let her sit there and ride it out. I rang her about 5 minutes ago and she says she's feeling 'better' and a little 'clangy' but I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting. I mean, I know 'morbid' is my thing and all but watching some chick eat herself to death isn't exactly my idea of entertainment.
She got a LOT of money given to her for compensation for something that happened to her a year ago and has since just whittled away at it on food, drugs (namely ecstacy) and booze. She has essentially fucked herself up by holing up with her friends and pills and just slowly choking the life out of her own body. So what am I supposed to do? Fuck, I'm officially a trained First Aider, it was practically my duty then and there to call an ambulance for her. So why didn't I? It was a moral crossroads of 'show you actually give a fuck about this girl' or just be like the other idiots and bury my head in the sand and hope she doesn't kerm up and die in my company. Fuck that. I'd like to give a shit and not be indirectly culpible for my friend dying at my feet while I sit there hoping they don't put me as her next of kin.
You're probably hating me for writing this as this is happening instead of calling an ambulance... and I bet you're calling me a procrastinating cunt and I hate myself for it as well but I feel I've done as much as I can except for actually calling the ambulance. I know either way an ambulance would be in her benefit. I guess it's just all a matter of if she wants or needs life saving treatment. I mean, I know she needs the treatment to save her life... but does she need the treatment to keep living her life? Like, does she need to be alive? Will she be better off dead? Am I kind of cosmically forced to sit here and experience another friend dying? Like.... 'oh well, this was meant to happen. She was unhappy anyway'. But aren't we all? DMV I guess you have to be unhappy or insecure about something and I know it's none of my business... but frankly it probably explains why you're such an emo fuck. Like no offence intended but I'm just being twice as emo as you are anyway but mleah... I think you get it in some way or another. Lindensmith, you too. There's something in you man... something twisted. And for now I suggest you google 'Mr. Hands Deep Thrust' and watch the video. With the sound. It will change your life. Lacy... well, I don't know... I'm not even going to pretend like I'd like to get into that skull of yours.. Gill... uh.. fuck, I don't know. What makes you a person? You just seem to me like this guy that explodes in off the street every now and again, spits out a few words that make me laugh and then smash your way back out into the world. You're cool and all, but I guess I just like thinking to myself about what ticks away inside those heads of other people. What is it that keeps you awake at night? I mean, I don't WANT to know but I just like thinking about it the process of it worrying people (not in a sadistic way or anything)
**Again, this is the part where you're like... "so what am I supposed to do? this is going nowhere... that's how shit is... cope with it"... yeah, this is true. But go fuck yourself I'm just rambling. I am seriously intendeing no personal attack or anything here... just thinking too loudly**
So anyway, it's a battle in my head at the moment as to whether this girl is supposed to live or supposed to die. If she dies, by fuck am I going to feel guilty and stupid for not calling for help. But caring and telling her I care is better than knowing I sat there and did nothing while some acid-loony leaped around screaming fucking ambulances all night. Fuck.
So anyway, random thought change here... (I'll go through and edit this some other time)
I feel like every time I blink I'm sort of opening my eyes into that 'other side', you know... behind the veil of the lies we tell ourselves. Like "oh well I've done all I can to save this chick". No. I haven't. I could call an ambulane and possibly save this girls life. I would be lying if I said I did all I can or I didn't care and believe me I'm scared shitless for her. But taking a different angled look at how life works and just what makes people tick and if she would really know the difference if she was dead or not. Would she? Would she be happier dead? I don't know exactly how miserable she is, and I know it's none of my business. But it's a part of caring. It's a weird way of caring, especially for me. Like. Fuck. God: I am asking you... the dude up there... saviour of light and all that is holy and all that bullshit... what's she gonna do? What are your plans for her? Will the world be better off without her or will she be better off without the world? I think it's the latter.
So to my friends waiting there in the light with the halo's around their heads waiting for me to come to from my life like it was some huge acid trip. I guess that's going to be my death. I'll just wake up from life. Close my eyes and open them in a new world. Whatever it is. Where all my pure-souled friends are sitting there looking at me like I just 'got it', realised that we're just there. To be. Existing. Here I've been this whole time just trying to comprehend, contemplate and analyse it. And you guys have just sat there savouring it and enjoying it waiting for me to join you basking in the light of 'just existing'. I guess that's my curse and I'm stuck with it and you guys are stuck reading useless shit drivel from a fucked up kid like me. I suppose the readers just sit there lapping up all the literature we give them, they're happy either way. Knowing or not, it's all the same to them. But this is different. You are going to walk away from this like "well... that's that guys life and he sounds pretty insecure."
Well, to be honest. I guess I am. I battle with myself constantly. On drugs I battle with myself even more, and it's fucking retarded. The people 'behind the curtain' are just kind of 'waiting for me', to either die in physical life or get with the program and move on. Evolve. Become a human. Not some form of life crawling around the underside of whatever fucking culture we've created for ourselves here. But you guys on the other side are just sort of drumming your fingers humming along while I'm sitting here in reality coming to terms with myself and the world around me. Fucking weird, and I kind of have a good idea of where this is all going and how it's going to end out. I'm either going to die or be sucked into some kind of wild and crazy psychedelic oblivion from which I'll probably never return. Crazy and in a nuthouse or dead in a coffin, it's all the same to me. I still become a part of that huge steaming universally cosmic compost pile. Sitting in a circle with my friends up there while they say "well... that was life... you sat there and watched it pass you by and all you really did was write about it. Well, you got one chance and you blew it. Too bad". For me, at this very point in time as I type this... it is a very beautiful moment for me. Strange to you, but it's me coming to terms with the world around me. Previous psychedlic trips have kind of given me a backwards glance through that peep-hole into what's waiting for me on the other side after I stop breathing and my heart pumps that last pint of blood through my veins. But after that. It's game over. Zero. Just floating there wondering what more you could have done with your life. I know for a fact that death and dying (the instant of dying, that is) is nothing to be feared and is, if anything, quite orgasmic. The inseucirities need to be left at the door and just sort of step into that place you've always wanted to go. But that's the reward for being good. The consequences of being a jaded, bitter asshole to YOURSELF ultimately is just like being thrown into a bad trip. Accidentally eating about 500 hits of super strong acid could sum it up pretty good. The fact is that I respect people who have no fear of death, I wish I could too. I look forward to it, but I'm afraid of wasting this little gay bit before I actually die. I just don't know what to do with it and I've wasted enough as it is. Just embracing whatever it is we get when we are trouble and guilt free from the world is all I need to give me a glimpse of ambition or inspiration to go on and tackle the world. It's my fuckin ciggie and I've quit smoking for fucks sake. I guess I am kind of jealous of christians and catholics because in a sense, when they die... they die happily (as a religious entity I mean). They can go off to the afterlife thinking that they lived their life in a holy manner and followed the word of the lord and left without guilt nor sin. Sunny stress-free retirement villages are waiting for you when you get there. On the other side of death, that is. You will close your eyes, expel your last breath and all of a sudden come to peace with your circumstances and just embrace death. Let it breathe through you as it carries you away to whatever happens next. Probably more of this mundane bullshit... but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
**This bit is a little personal and you, the reader, probably won't get any of it unless you've read my older trip reports**
It's an odd feeling and I guess I've just become too used to it in a troubling kind of way. I know that you guys are sitting behind there. That fabric in reality in the 'spirit world' where all that karmic shit goes on. And to the reader, YOU KNOW IT GOES ON! You're just lying to yourself in pretending it doesn't because we all know that shit happens. It's just a matter of balance and how much you let it affect your life. But I guess it's your business to choose whether or not it rules your life. Don't worry about me... I got in up to my elbows and am kind of struggling to comprehend how or why I did this thing called life in the first place. Holy fuck I'm talking to you right now. Yes. You. The reader and the shit behind the eyes of life. The people that can see behind the lies, the little things we tell ourselves ("oh, I won't eat this pill... but I said I wouldn't, but who's gonna know?") I mean, noone has to know... but you do. And that's guilt enough. And behind this little peep-hole in reality you guys are sitting back there like "yeah.. we see through it. Get it. It's life. Deal with it". Fuck. So I have to write this to myself as well? I have to write this fucking letter to myself telling myself to get it because I'm too fucking stupid to just move on with the other stuff.
Yep I do. It's what I do. It's what I like to think I'm good at. And I can still remember that little moment of clarity when my ego was shattered. I got a glimpse of what happens when I died. You guys are sitting there waiting for me to come out of my daze. Looking at me... waiting for me to come to. The concussion caused by the stupid decissions I've made and the wrong turns I've taken and the little detours through life I've made. Like the feeling of nitrous leaving your system. Everyone looks at you like "HOW WAS IT??" and you're like "uh... pretty gay" but they look so excited and you just ruined it for them by telling them what they didn't want to hear. And they sit there like "well... you got high... wasn't that what you wanted?" and you say "yeah, I guess. But I thought there was more to it than that."
Then that dumbfounding moment of realisation hits you. "HOLY FUCK! What the hell am I thinking?" Of course that's what I wanted. And that's all I wanted. And then I get THIS as well. This weird fucked up way of thinking. This dazing truth. Did I really want all this? Knowing that taking that drug was a stupid and pointless thing to do? Knowing that when I pass on from this reality and into the next, you guys ('you guys' I'm referring to is the people 'waiting for me' on the other side of life... long story, you'll probably get it in the end) you'll say "well... that was life. Life was your drug. So we made life a drug. And gave it to you. Or more to the point, we sold it to you. We sold your soul to this drug. Life. And you took it. And that was your trip. So how was it?" and you say "uh... pretty gay" but they look so excited and you just ruined it for them by telling them what they didn't want to hear. And they sit there like "well... you got high... wasn't that what you wanted?" and you say "yeah, I guess. But I thought there was more to it than that." Then that dumbfounding moment of realisation hits you. "HOLY FUCK! What the hell am I thinking?
And it's that loop. The loop of life. The CIRCLE of life. Do you get it yet? So does that mean I sold my soul to the devil for these drugs? That decision was my breaking point? Because life is my trip and I'll come out of it sooner or later and just be left there. Dead. Egoless. Nothing. Or do I save myself now, clear my conscious and get to chill with 'those guys' on the other side of life where Jerry Garcia and Jesus Christ get to just fuck around doing whatever the fuck they feel like. Because they can? Is there still a chance? I guess God gave us all that chance to save ourselves at whatever stage in life we choose to do it. It's just a matter of doing it so you can get on with your life and stop going through the lies and moral bullshittery of misguiding yourself through anguish and mental torment. People have their own way of doing it I suppose, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Africans, Aborigines, Maoris, Chinese, Americans, Lawyers, writers, wives, husbands and people. So long as they're happy when they die. Guilt free. The way I'm going it's not going too good at the moment... but I've still got the rest of my life ahead of me. I know I'm just wasting it away doing whatever is the fuck I'm doing now... but someones got to do it, right? Someones got to write this bullshit for nobody to read. I'll leave this open because I'm not dead yet, and I've still got a lot of pages to fill iny my own little book. So I don't know. Now I'm just waiting for one of you fuckers to even DARE say "that's life, deal with it. We don't care. You're on your own. Wilt and die or pick yourself up and move on. Your business. Not mine. See ya later." Well, maybe I just needed to tell myself that. But someone has to write this shit.
I'll come back and fix up more later. This was a pretty selfish post considering some chick is probably dying right now... but it all works in some weird fucked up psychedelic kind of way. So I'll just leave it at that.
You probably just don't give a fuck about anything I've just said. But I'd like to thank you for reading it anyway. Even the most horrible smelling flower still buds and blooms which is still a sign of life and hope. But that's just poetic bullshit.
Either way, I think with LSD someone stole a little bit of what happens to us when we die away from the actual process of dying, when they made the drug, that is. We were never supposed to know. But now we do and all hell is breaking loose. And it's weird. So yeah, I dunno, I guess that's my life and I'm figuring it out and coming to terms with it. Ken Kesey was right in a sense, for his own reasons and probably had a message to put forth. This stupid, whacky drug is just the hugest cosmic prank pulled by anyone or anything in the history of time and space. It's fucking bizaare and I'm grateful for sampling it and seeing what's behind the corners and in the shadows but we weren't given eyes to see it for a reason. It just simply wasn't meant to be seen. Perhaps if you're god or garcia or jesus or something you have a right and purpose to drop acid, but I'm neither of those and I've still learnt my lesson but perhaps it was better taken when I'm dead, instead of dying before I'd even put one foot out the door into life. Well, this is it. So I better get a move on.
But yeah, life's a pretty stupid drug when you think about it. But thanks for the experience. And no, this isn't my suicide note.
And I apologise for the tyrades of rants against emos, anorexics, barbies, rappers and yuppies of the sorts... I guess it's your life and you can fuck it up however you want to. I just think you're all kind of gay.
Edited by indica (07/15/06 02:12 AM)
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Afroshroomerican
Oprah's Minion


Registered: 05/12/06
Posts: 891
Loc: Pennsylvania
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860530 - 07/15/06 01:17 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hmm
I enjoy writing as well. But you have to know your audience. This is an internet blog of sorts not a novel.
You summed up your whole point in the last paragraph or less and the other stuff just seemed to be rant and raving.
While you express yourself well, you seem to enjoy writing about ideas that you've already well explained.
Less is more.
With that, I too think Psychedelics offer kind of a gateway to death/ultranatural. Think about it it's not so illogical and "stealing" per se. DMT is in our brain and released during DEATH. A DMT component is mainly in shrooms.
Perhaps we are toying with out lives in terms of the supernatural.
I had a post on this in the philosophy section.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." ~Martin Luther King Jr.~ <passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass <passitbobbie> youd think it was female "You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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yeah this was a blog entry i just couldn't be arsed typing it all out in shroomery format hehehe but yeah thanks for the english lesson I just felt like explaining it all way too much. Felt good to do it.
But yeah I still think the whole cosmic joke behind it all was never meant to be toyed with. We kind of opened our christmas presents about a whole lifetime too early with ego death/psychedelics. Mushrooms, sure. Theyre different but LSD is just something way weirder and more fucked up lol
straaaaaaaange drug, yessiree
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Afroshroomerican
Oprah's Minion


Registered: 05/12/06
Posts: 891
Loc: Pennsylvania
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860610 - 07/15/06 02:21 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Eh sorry if it came off as an English lesson. Just most people on sites like these don't care to read that much lol
I don't like LSD either. It lasts too long. With time dilation 9 hours of tripping seemed like forever. And more intense visuals.
LSD Imo is for ppl who like ot see shit imo. I didn't feel connected to anything just really spacey.
Not very experienced with it but my friends who are tend to agree with me.
-------------------- "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." ~Martin Luther King Jr.~ <passitbobbie> if I just showed you a closeup of my ass <passitbobbie> youd think it was female "You owe errrbody up in here an apology fow youwe shit, HO!" - classic
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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yeah i think it sort of puts you on the spot with who you are. More 'enclosed' visuals but w/e... i dont really give a fuck any more. it's mundane and i dont think i could ever enjoy tripping nor do I think i could get any spiritual value any more... my lessons' been learnt and i'll probably touch them again at some stage down the line but for now it's just like i'm kind of waking up to myself. it's weird. but thats what drugs are I guess
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860642 - 07/15/06 02:46 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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What about a kidney dialysis machine. I mean if someone is having a heart-attack or O.D then kidney dialysis could act like a heart? while removing toxins?
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860643 - 07/15/06 02:48 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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where did this come from?
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860648 - 07/15/06 02:55 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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"I got in up to my elbows and am kind of struggling to comprehend how or why I did this thing called life in the first place. Holy fuck I'm talking to you right now. Yes. You."-
Imagine
Imagine emotional highs and lows and then imagine not having emotions.
Imagine physical pleasures.
Then imagine existing solely with intellect & emotion.
That's how I see it anyway.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860650 - 07/15/06 02:57 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
xk3m_indica said: where did this come from?
Reading your post.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860656 - 07/15/06 03:01 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Booby said: "I got in up to my elbows and am kind of struggling to comprehend how or why I did this thing called life in the first place. Holy fuck I'm talking to you right now. Yes. You."-
Imagine
Imagine emotional highs and lows and then imagine not having emotions.
Imagine physical pleasures.
Then imagine existing solely with intellect & emotion.
That's how I see it anyway.
That's a strange way of looking at things but it works. Because when you have thought without your body or being aware of your body, it's a really grounding
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860659 - 07/15/06 03:06 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Eternity without a body, Eternity without emotion And eternity without thought. Heaven to some.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860662 - 07/15/06 03:08 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Isn't that just non-existance of one and existance of all? Like... never existing in the first place and being a part of that huge whatchamacallit?
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860663 - 07/15/06 03:11 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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I was thinking about a poem I read where the fountain of all-that-is granted your hearts desire.
Yeats?
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860667 - 07/15/06 03:14 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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i think ive read that somewhere. but like, i dunno if i would have gone to the fountain anyway, i probably already have :P
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860673 - 07/15/06 03:25 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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It's the age-old question I guess about how one would like to spend eternity. Many would choose inanimation, oblivion.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
Edited by Booby (07/15/06 03:26 AM)
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860675 - 07/15/06 03:28 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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i would choose that. but i dont know that whole opening of the eyes into the next realm whatever it is. curiosity will outlast all this. its weird man... weird
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860678 - 07/15/06 03:33 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Oblivion could be an attractive alternative after one has been everywhere & done everything I guess .
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860685 - 07/15/06 03:39 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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lol but you would never have been there.... so like... if u experience everything and then obliterate yourself... but then its like having never experienced anything in the first place oblivion is not really an alternative... it's inevitable
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Booby
Agent Mulder

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: indica]
#5860704 - 07/15/06 03:53 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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The mind is a curious thing.
The mind on drugs is sometimes the next best thing to Heaven, for some.
-------------------- Let it not be remembered That mycelium eats detritus and dies But that life in all it's glory Counts mycelium to be on it's side.
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indica


Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 18,905
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Re: Why the fuck do we read these? [Re: Booby]
#5860724 - 07/15/06 04:11 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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for some. yeah, not me though. grrrrrrr it just pisses me off that it takes so long to learn it. i wish i could go back in time and kick myself. too bad I cant. Anyone here got time travel going on in their back yard?
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