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Offlinewhat
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Registered: 11/09/05
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Spiral Theory
    #5853838 - 07/13/06 07:53 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Right, excuse this rambling, but I'm writing up all the stuff I've written on mushrooms in preparation for my first trip in a year. All of it was very positive and made me feel great. Until I came across this. Last year I felt like this theory really rocked me, i.e. made everything a little bit unstable. But I suppose I just forgot about it over the coarse of about 6 months. But anyway, here it is. Any feedback woud be cool.

Life is just a spiral, a chain reaction in infinity. And we try to make sense of this chain reaction, by constucting these abstact things like sight and body and sound and time. The fact that we set off this chain reaction causes more chain reactions based on the others. Just a huge construct of chain reaction. Everything is co-dependant on everything else. And we form this confusion into sense, into a safe comprehension. When really it's all random things. From the moment we are born we group things. SAME>DIFFERENT BLUE>NOT BLUE. And they are all pushing and pulling on each other. And we just make sense of this.

Why do I feel the spiral idea is so depressing? It makes me feel like I'm loosing control. Why? I suppose you have to keep your definitions, and symbolism otherwise you get lost in your own reality. This theory undermines your reality, as it says nothing is what you think it is. But it's just a collection of random symbols which you've made sense of. And if this is true then my whole reality isn't what I think it is. Everything is alien to me. Nothing means anything. And again I am alienting myself from everything around me. But just because things are symbols doesn't mean they're not real. They are just what they are: symbols. And they stand for things which ARE because of what you know. Even though they are symbols, they stand for things which are real, because otherwise you couldn't have symbols for them. The fact that they are random is neither here nor there, because you cannot have a symbol for something which doesn't exist. I have made sense of the randomness in simular ways to other people, which gives me things in common with them. I don't really know where this is going. I just find the whole spiral thing depressing and confusing for some reason. It just seems to undermine life. Or wanting to live. And that's not what I want to take mushrooms for. It just seems to be a very negative theory. But you have to understand that some of these symbols are there for good reason. Just because they have been twisted a bit by current society, doesn't mean that their original purpose wasn't good. Like time. It has become something which rules our lives now, but originally it was very handy, so you could plan ahead. So all these symbols don't have to be bad. I spose it's negative because you're entire life is built upon these assumptions. And when you say that they are not concrete things, but an individuals interpretations of them, then it can be difficult to deal with. As nothing makes sense in the same way anymore. Like the sky. I say it's all these things like: blue, infinate, far away, millions of miles above me etc. But all those words are abstract anyway. So I could be experiencing a completely individual interpretation of the sky. Nothing like yours. But we describe it the same way because the words we are simular. Like the word BLUE. The words is abstract. There is no way to know if the way I understand the word blue is the same as the way you understand blue. Except we both use it in simular ways. But that doesn't mean it's the same.
Oh I don't know. I'm kinda arguing with myself here.


Edited by what (07/13/06 07:54 AM)


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OfflinePithlit
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: what]
    #5853854 - 07/13/06 08:15 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

I can understand how you feel.
When you trip on shrooms you feel this sybolism and the futility to comprehend the thing that is our consensual reality in a very powerful way.
But you don´t have to hold onto them, its not necessary to be affraid when all this vanishes.
Blue is not blue if you don´t think it is. Speech, vision and hearing just exist in your own mind, you will learn that from a powerful force.
If you fear that you are alienenating its really a two edeged sword.
On the one side during the trip you might loose all that interpretational mechanisms you knew for your whole life, feeling alienated and alone in your own world.
On the other had they are sorta hardwired in your brain. They have evolved in during the millenia and everything comes back when the trip subsides. Not necessarily exactly the way it was, but more fine tuned.
But even during the trip there is nothing to fear, you are safe, these things you experience are there for one thing only: to experience them.
They don´t judge you and they don´t expect that you judge them.
In the reality there are always those nagging thought that might obstruct your clear view on a subject. You mind is basically clouded from real reality by those assumptions we all have to make to get a comprehesible result.
But out there you can just leave your physical form behind and experience thing how they really are.

I hope that this brings a little sense in the whole situation although it has gotten a bit metaphysical.
For you specifically i would say try meditating before the trip and during the comeup.
Ask yourself these questions you want answeredand try to sort out the ones that are not appropriate. Do this before you are too deep into mushspace that you can´t tell fake from real.
Meditating your thoughts should help you calm and clear your mind for the experience.


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Offlinewhat
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: Pithlit]
    #5853865 - 07/13/06 08:42 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

cool, thanks.


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OfflineDrGeek
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: what]
    #5853922 - 07/13/06 10:04 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

I guess you were kinda arguing with yourself, because I couldn't tell exactly what it was that was getting you down. Personally, I believe in an objective, physical reality, even though it may be different to other people because our perceptions create our own interpretation of reality. But even if blue is just a symbol for some abstract blueness or something, what's the problem with that?


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Offlinewhat
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: DrGeek]
    #5853937 - 07/13/06 10:22 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

I just find it disconcerting, and it makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable, the fact that it there isn't a concrete reality. And also that maybe i'm living my life the wrong way.

I don't know, i'm finding it really hard to articulate exactly what i'm feeling [as you can tell, sorry). I spose it's just the idea that I've spent my entire life thinking a certain way, and this kinda undermines everything. So I don't know where to go from there.


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OfflineKras
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: what]
    #5854409 - 07/13/06 01:42 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Think about my thought pattern but take it with a grain of salt.

You where on a good track but then you've sunken in a logical labyrinth. You can't be God of your life. Surrender to the will of Cosmos. Let it flow, let it be as it is. Sit back, relax, observe and learn. You should notice that this spiral has patterns. When you learn those then you can find out that something is going to happen before it does. If you don't get it then you have a beautiful material for next psychedelic session. Maybe this time spirits will be more talkative? If not, try to give them something for exchange (like time in meditation or good deeds).

Your theory isn't scary for me but I would give it more love and warmth. Why blue? Brightness would be much better :smile:

Man... I sound like a hippie :wink:


--------------------
enjoy life!


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Offlinekora
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: Kras]
    #5854460 - 07/13/06 02:01 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

i dont like thinking about shit like this, it hurts my head


--------------------
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but atleast it's the scenic route.


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OfflineExplosiveMango
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: what]
    #5854616 - 07/13/06 02:58 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

I think you're analyzing the theory too much, when you should probably be analyzing the way you're analyzing the theory. You're letting the theory seem so ominous because you're perceiving it as something all-encompassing (and therefor inescapable). I think adopting the perspective of this 'event' being all encompassing inevitably leads to self contradiction. If you think about it, as soon as you state/assume that this statement is a universal truth, you must then realize that this theory is also just a small entity in the universe.

I can definitely see how the continuum associated with a spiral can get one caught in "what if it's true" contemplation. And because the theory applies to that which is beyond our perception, this suspicion can never be proven or disproven through observation. Great territory for thought looping. It's sort of one of those thoughts that you have to be satisfied with dismissing as "unprovable" if you ever want to stop wondering.

I find thought looping makes me anxious about psychedelics myself actually... I think it's because I have a psychological association of repetitive thought to insanity/brain malfunction. I don't know where I ever picked up this association however.





Your post seems to also express alot of concern about whether we're really just "simple systems that group things". To that I would just suggest that everything is relative. To an entity much more complex than us, we may appear simple. To a more simple being we may appear omniscient (a cat for example).





Have you ever watched waking life?
Watch waking life next time you do shrooms if you haven't.
(or LSA is even better if you're into that stuff)


--------------------
Know your self.
Know your substance.
Know your source.

The most distorted perspective possible is the perspective that yours is not distorted.


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Offlinewhat
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: ExplosiveMango]
    #5854679 - 07/13/06 03:18 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah, i'm totally aware that it's paranoia, and that i'm in control of it. But it's the sort of theory that means everytime you look at something or hear something or think something (i.e. every waking hour) you remember it, and then you're in the loop again, thinking 'hmm, that trees not real, it's just a symbol.....hmm my mums not real she's just a symbol' etc etc. i don't think my brains made for that. I wish it was, but it just makes me feel a bit odd [in a bad way].
I was quite enjoying my perspective on life again, until I read this in my sketchbook. But I do feel better now. So hopefully it was just a blip.

It's also something which I think would be useful to think about on mushrooms, but I don't want to get into a negative frame of mind, so i'll try and forget about it. Which isn't exactly the most positive thing to do I know.

Bummer


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OfflineAshland
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: what]
    #5854732 - 07/13/06 03:39 PM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Sounds a lot like Chaos theory... and very existential.

Reality is always and only what we as individuals can perceive.


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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: Ashland]
    #5860391 - 07/15/06 02:10 AM (14 years, 9 months ago)

Hey man I know this has nothing to do with your original theory...but it kind of fits in there somehow.

Take it as you will. And yeah, I wrote this::


***************************

MEMOIRS OF A LIFE TRIP

As I writer I reserve the right to forewarn you that this is probably going to be on of those pieces of writing that just sort of leaves you feeling like you were better of not reading it. Not in the sense that it's sick or disturbing, in fact it contains little if not anything in a sick manner whatsoever. I'm just sort of rambling over the thoughts in my head and I appreciate whoever you are for reading these, because it's funny knowing that the voice in my own head is probably read in someone elses head in some corner of the world, in whatever voice or accent you pose. My thoughts are echoing off the walls of someones skull... (that's a cool thought in itself)

So, where to begin with this?

Ok, well as I sit here typing this a friend of mine is quite possibly having a life-ending heart attack from which she is completely obliviously indifferent to. It's like she's just sitting there letting this motherfucker squeeze the life out of her heart. Like, she knows this could kill her and she would probably do something to fix it if she wasn't so fucking lazy and miserable.
Last night was spent in her company and she took, what, all of a quarter of a pill along with a heap of piss. Later on she starts saying all this shit like "oh my god... I can't breathe! it feels like something is squeezing my heart!" obviously having some kind of heart attack, whether it be mild or major in front of our very eyes. So everyone just sort of literally buries their head in the sand and pretending like it's not happening. "Yeah it's probably just the pill... it'll wear off" or "she'll come right" and she was even saying that kind of shit herself. But, I mean, for fucks sake you're having some kind of heart attack, I feel like some out-of-my-mind acid loony sitting there saying "uh, I really want to call an ambulance for her... this is pretty fucked up". So we let her sit there and ride it out. I rang her about 5 minutes ago and she says she's feeling 'better' and a little 'clangy' but I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting. I mean, I know 'morbid' is my thing and all but watching some chick eat herself to death isn't exactly my idea of entertainment.

She got a LOT of money given to her for compensation for something that happened to her a year ago and has since just whittled away at it on food, drugs (namely ecstacy) and booze. She has essentially fucked herself up by holing up with her friends and pills and just slowly choking the life out of her own body. So what am I supposed to do? Fuck, I'm officially a trained First Aider, it was practically my duty then and there to call an ambulance for her. So why didn't I? It was a moral crossroads of 'show you actually give a fuck about this girl' or just be like the other idiots and bury my head in the sand and hope she doesn't kerm up and die in my company. Fuck that. I'd like to give a shit and not be indirectly culpible for my friend dying at my feet while I sit there hoping they don't put me as her next of kin.

You're probably hating me for writing this as this is happening instead of calling an ambulance... and I bet you're calling me a procrastinating cunt and I hate myself for it as well but I feel I've done as much as I can except for actually calling the ambulance. I know either way an ambulance would be in her benefit. I guess it's just all a matter of if she wants or needs life saving treatment. I mean, I know she needs the treatment to save her life... but does she need the treatment to keep living her life? Like, does she need to be alive? Will she be better off dead? Am I kind of cosmically forced to sit here and experience another friend dying? Like.... 'oh well, this was meant to happen. She was unhappy anyway'. But aren't we all? DMV I guess you have to be unhappy or insecure about something and I know it's none of my business... but frankly it probably explains why you're such an emo fuck. Like no offence intended but I'm just being twice as emo as you are anyway but mleah... I think you get it in some way or another. Lindensmith, you too. There's something in you man... something twisted. And for now I suggest you google 'Mr. Hands Deep Thrust' and watch the video. With the sound. It will change your life. Lacy... well, I don't know... I'm not even going to pretend like I'd like to get into that skull of yours.. Gill... uh.. fuck, I don't know. What makes you a person? You just seem to me like this guy that explodes in off the street every now and again, spits out a few words that make me laugh and then smash your way back out into the world. You're cool and all, but I guess I just like thinking to myself about what ticks away inside those heads of other people. What is it that keeps you awake at night? I mean, I don't WANT to know but I just like thinking about it the process of it worrying people (not in a sadistic way or anything)

**Again, this is the part where you're like... "so what am I supposed to do? this is going nowhere... that's how shit is... cope with it"... yeah, this is true. But go fuck yourself I'm just rambling. I am seriously intendeing no personal attack or anything here... just thinking too loudly**


So anyway, it's a battle in my head at the moment as to whether this girl is supposed to live or supposed to die. If she dies, by fuck am I going to feel guilty and stupid for not calling for help. But caring and telling her I care is better than knowing I sat there and did nothing while some acid-loony leaped around screaming fucking ambulances all night. Fuck.

So anyway, random thought change here... (I'll go through and edit this some other time)

I feel like every time I blink I'm sort of opening my eyes into that 'other side', you know... behind the veil of the lies we tell ourselves. Like "oh well I've done all I can to save this chick". No. I haven't. I could call an ambulane and possibly save this girls life. I would be lying if I said I did all I can or I didn't care and believe me I'm scared shitless for her. But taking a different angled look at how life works and just what makes people tick and if she would really know the difference if she was dead or not. Would she? Would she be happier dead? I don't know exactly how miserable she is, and I know it's none of my business. But it's a part of caring. It's a weird way of caring, especially for me. Like. Fuck. God: I am asking you... the dude up there... saviour of light and all that is holy and all that bullshit... what's she gonna do? What are your plans for her? Will the world be better off without her or will she be better off without the world?
I think it's the latter.

So to my friends waiting there in the light with the halo's around their heads waiting for me to come to from my life like it was some huge acid trip. I guess that's going to be my death. I'll just wake up from life. Close my eyes and open them in a new world. Whatever it is. Where all your pure-souled friends are sitting there looking at you like I just 'got it', realised that we're just there. To be. Here I've been this whole time just trying to comprehend, contemplate and analyse it. And you guys have just sat there savouring it and enjoying it waiting for me to join you basking in the light of 'just existing'. I guess that's my curse and I'm stuck with it and you guys are stuck reading useless shit drivel from a fucked up kid like me. I suppose the readers just sit there lapping up all the literature we give them, they're happy either way. Knowing or not, it's all the same to them. But this is different. You are going to walk away from this like "well... that's that guys life and he sounds pretty insecure."


Well, to be honest. I guess I am. I battle with myself constantly. On drugs I battle with myself even more, and it's fucking retarded. The people 'behind the curtain' are just kind of 'waiting for me', to either die in physical life or get with the program and move on. Evolve. Become a human. Not some form of life crawling around the underside of whatever fucking culture we've created for ourselves here. But you guys on the other side are just sort of drumming your fingers humming along while I'm sitting here in reality coming to terms with myself and the world around me. Fucking weird, and I kind of have a good idea of where this is all going and how it's going to end out. I'm either going to die or be sucked into some kind of wild and crazy psychedelic oblivion from which I'll probably never return. Crazy and in a nuthouse or dead in a coffin, it's all the same to me. I still become a part of that huge steaming universally cosmic compost pile. Sitting in a circle with my friends up there while they say "well... that was life... you sat there and watched it pass you by and all you really did was write about it. Well, you got one chance and you blew it. Too bad". For me, at this very point in time as I type this... it is a very beautiful moment for me. Strange to you, but it's me coming to terms with the world around me. Previous psychedlic trips have kind of given me a backwards glance through that peep-hole into what's waiting for me on the other side after I stop breathing and my heart pumps that last pint of blood through my veins. But after that. It's game over. Zero. Just floating there wondering what more you could have done with your life. Just embracing whatever it is we get when we are trouble and guilt free from the world. I guess I am kind of jealous of christians and catholics because in a sense, when they die... they die happily (as a religious entity I mean). They can go off to the afterlife thinking that they lived their life in a holy manner and followed the word of the lord and left without guilt nor sin. Sunny stress-free retirement villages are waiting for you when you get there. On the other side of death, that is. You will close your eyes, expel your last breath and all of a sudden come to peace with your circumstances and just embrace death. Let it breathe through you as it carries you away to whatever happens next. Probably more of this mundane bullshit... but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

**This bit is a little personal and you, the reader, probably won't get any of it unless you've read my older trip reports**

It's an odd feeling and I guess I've just become too used to it in a troubling kind of way. I know that you guys are sitting behind there. That fabric in reality in the 'spirit world' where all that karmic shit goes on. And to the reader, YOU KNOW IT GOES ON! You're just lying to yourself in pretending it doesn't because we all know that shit happens. It's just a matter of balance and how much you let it affect your life. But I guess it's your business to choose whether or not it rules your life. Don't worry about me... I got in up to my elbows and am kind of struggling to comprehend how or why I did this thing called life in the first place. Holy fuck I'm talking to you right now. Yes. You. The reader and the shit behind the eyes of life. The people that can see behind the lies, the little things we tell ourselves ("oh, I won't eat this pill... but I said I wouldn't, but who's gonna know?") I mean, noone has to know... but you do. And that's guilt enough. And behind this little peep-hole in reality you guys are sitting back there like "yeah.. we see through it. Get it. It's life. Deal with it". Fuck. So I have to write this to myself as well? I have to write this fucking letter to myself telling myself to get it because I'm too fucking stupid to just move on with the other stuff.

Yep I do. It's what I do. It's what I like to think I'm good at. And I can still remember that little moment of clarity when my ego was shattered. I got a glimpse of what happens when I died. You guys are sitting there waiting for me to come out of my daze. Looking at me... waiting for me to come to. The concussion caused by the stupid decissions I've made and the wrong turns I've taken and the little detours through life I've made. Like the feeling of nitrous leaving your system. Everyone looks at you like "HOW WAS IT??" and you're like "uh... pretty gay" but they look so excited and you just ruined it for them by telling them what they didn't want to hear. And they sit there like "well... you got high... wasn't that what you wanted?" and you say "yeah, I guess. But I thought there was more to it than that."

Then that dumbfounding moment of realisation hits you.
"HOLY FUCK! What the hell am I thinking?" Of course that's what I wanted. And that's all I wanted. And then I get THIS as well. This weird fucked up way of thinking. This dazing truth. Did I really want all this? Knowing that taking that drug was a stupid and pointless thing to do? Knowing that when I pass on from this reality and into the next, you guys ('you guys' I'm referring to is the people 'waiting for me' on the other side of life... long story, you'll probably get it in the end) you'll say "well... that was life. Life was your drug. So we made life a drug. And gave it to you. Or more to the point, we sold it to you. We sold your soul to this drug. Life. And you took it. And that was your trip. So how was it?" and you say "uh... pretty gay" but they look so excited and you just ruined it for them by telling them what they didn't want to hear. And they sit there like "well... you got high... wasn't that what you wanted?" and you say "yeah, I guess. But I thought there was more to it than that."
Then that dumbfounding moment of realisation hits you.
"HOLY FUCK! What the hell am I thinking?

And it's that loop. The loop of life. The CIRCLE of life. Do you get it yet? So that does that mean I sold my soul to the devil for these drugs? Because life is my trip and I'll come out of it sooner or later and just be left there. Dead. Egoless. Nothing. Or do I save myself now, clear my conscious and get to chill with 'those guys' on the other side of life where Jerry Garcia and Jesus Christ get to just fuck around doing whatever the fuck they feel like. Because they can? Is there still a chance? I guess God gave us all that chance to save ourselves at whatever stage in life we choose to do it. It's just a matter of doing it so you can get on with your life and stop going through the lies and moral bullshittery of misguiding yourself through anguish and mental torment. People have their own way of doing it I suppose, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Africans, Aborigines, Maoris, Chinese, Americans, Lawyers, writers, wives, husbands and people. So long as they're happy when they die. Guilt free.
The way I'm going it's not going too good at the moment... but I've still got the rest of my life ahead of me. I know I'm just wasting it away doing whatever is the fuck I'm doing now... but someones got to do it, right? Someones got to write this bullshit for nobody to read. I'll leave this open because I'm not dead yet, and I've still got a lot of pages to fill iny my own little book. So I don't know. Now I'm just waiting for one of you fuckers to even DARE say "that's life, deal with it. We don't care. You're on your own. Wilt and die or pick yourself up and move on. Your business. Not mine. See ya later." Well, maybe I just needed to tell myself that. But someone has to write this shit.

I'll come back and fix up more later. This was a pretty selfish post considering some chick is probably dying right now... but it all works in some weird fucked up psychedelic kind of way. So I'll just leave it at that.

You probably just don't give a fuck about anything I've just said. But I'd like to thank you for reading it anyway.


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Offlinelagreenlife
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Registered: 07/31/09
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Re: Spiral Theory [Re: indica]
    #10815791 - 08/07/09 04:03 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

dont do it! dont kill urself! jesus that was morbid

Quote:

xk3m_indica said:
Hey man I know this has nothing to do with your original theory...but it kind of fits in there somehow.

Take it as you will. And yeah, I wrote this::


***************************

MEMOIRS OF A LIFE TRIP

As I writer I reserve the right to forewarn you that this is probably going to be on of those pieces of writing that just sort of leaves you feeling like you were better of not reading it. Not in the sense that it's sick or disturbing, in fact it contains little if not anything in a sick manner whatsoever. I'm just sort of rambling over the thoughts in my head and I appreciate whoever you are for reading these, because it's funny knowing that the voice in my own head is probably read in someone elses head in some corner of the world, in whatever voice or accent you pose. My thoughts are echoing off the walls of someones skull... (that's a cool thought in itself)

So, where to begin with this?

Ok, well as I sit here typing this a friend of mine is quite possibly having a life-ending heart attack from which she is completely obliviously indifferent to. It's like she's just sitting there letting this motherfucker squeeze the life out of her heart. Like, she knows this could kill her and she would probably do something to fix it if she wasn't so fucking lazy and miserable.
Last night was spent in her company and she took, what, all of a quarter of a pill along with a heap of piss. Later on she starts saying all this shit like "oh my god... I can't breathe! it feels like something is squeezing my heart!" obviously having some kind of heart attack, whether it be mild or major in front of our very eyes. So everyone just sort of literally buries their head in the sand and pretending like it's not happening. "Yeah it's probably just the pill... it'll wear off" or "she'll come right" and she was even saying that kind of shit herself. But, I mean, for fucks sake you're having some kind of heart attack, I feel like some out-of-my-mind acid loony sitting there saying "uh, I really want to call an ambulance for her... this is pretty fucked up". So we let her sit there and ride it out. I rang her about 5 minutes ago and she says she's feeling 'better' and a little 'clangy' but I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting. I mean, I know 'morbid' is my thing and all but watching some chick eat herself to death isn't exactly my idea of entertainment.

She got a LOT of money given to her for compensation for something that happened to her a year ago and has since just whittled away at it on food, drugs (namely ecstacy) and booze. She has essentially fucked herself up by holing up with her friends and pills and just slowly choking the life out of her own body. So what am I supposed to do? Fuck, I'm officially a trained First Aider, it was practically my duty then and there to call an ambulance for her. So why didn't I? It was a moral crossroads of 'show you actually give a fuck about this girl' or just be like the other idiots and bury my head in the sand and hope she doesn't kerm up and die in my company. Fuck that. I'd like to give a shit and not be indirectly culpible for my friend dying at my feet while I sit there hoping they don't put me as her next of kin.

You're probably hating me for writing this as this is happening instead of calling an ambulance... and I bet you're calling me a procrastinating cunt and I hate myself for it as well but I feel I've done as much as I can except for actually calling the ambulance. I know either way an ambulance would be in her benefit. I guess it's just all a matter of if she wants or needs life saving treatment. I mean, I know she needs the treatment to save her life... but does she need the treatment to keep living her life? Like, does she need to be alive? Will she be better off dead? Am I kind of cosmically forced to sit here and experience another friend dying? Like.... 'oh well, this was meant to happen. She was unhappy anyway'. But aren't we all? DMV I guess you have to be unhappy or insecure about something and I know it's none of my business... but frankly it probably explains why you're such an emo fuck. Like no offence intended but I'm just being twice as emo as you are anyway but mleah... I think you get it in some way or another. Lindensmith, you too. There's something in you man... something twisted. And for now I suggest you google 'Mr. Hands Deep Thrust' and watch the video. With the sound. It will change your life. Lacy... well, I don't know... I'm not even going to pretend like I'd like to get into that skull of yours.. Gill... uh.. fuck, I don't know. What makes you a person? You just seem to me like this guy that explodes in off the street every now and again, spits out a few words that make me laugh and then smash your way back out into the world. You're cool and all, but I guess I just like thinking to myself about what ticks away inside those heads of other people. What is it that keeps you awake at night? I mean, I don't WANT to know but I just like thinking about it the process of it worrying people (not in a sadistic way or anything)

**Again, this is the part where you're like... "so what am I supposed to do? this is going nowhere... that's how shit is... cope with it"... yeah, this is true. But go fuck yourself I'm just rambling. I am seriously intendeing no personal attack or anything here... just thinking too loudly**


So anyway, it's a battle in my head at the moment as to whether this girl is supposed to live or supposed to die. If she dies, by fuck am I going to feel guilty and stupid for not calling for help. But caring and telling her I care is better than knowing I sat there and did nothing while some acid-loony leaped around screaming fucking ambulances all night. Fuck.

So anyway, random thought change here... (I'll go through and edit this some other time)

I feel like every time I blink I'm sort of opening my eyes into that 'other side', you know... behind the veil of the lies we tell ourselves. Like "oh well I've done all I can to save this chick". No. I haven't. I could call an ambulane and possibly save this girls life. I would be lying if I said I did all I can or I didn't care and believe me I'm scared shitless for her. But taking a different angled look at how life works and just what makes people tick and if she would really know the difference if she was dead or not. Would she? Would she be happier dead? I don't know exactly how miserable she is, and I know it's none of my business. But it's a part of caring. It's a weird way of caring, especially for me. Like. Fuck. God: I am asking you... the dude up there... saviour of light and all that is holy and all that bullshit... what's she gonna do? What are your plans for her? Will the world be better off without her or will she be better off without the world?
I think it's the latter.

So to my friends waiting there in the light with the halo's around their heads waiting for me to come to from my life like it was some huge acid trip. I guess that's going to be my death. I'll just wake up from life. Close my eyes and open them in a new world. Whatever it is. Where all your pure-souled friends are sitting there looking at you like I just 'got it', realised that we're just there. To be. Here I've been this whole time just trying to comprehend, contemplate and analyse it. And you guys have just sat there savouring it and enjoying it waiting for me to join you basking in the light of 'just existing'. I guess that's my curse and I'm stuck with it and you guys are stuck reading useless shit drivel from a fucked up kid like me. I suppose the readers just sit there lapping up all the literature we give them, they're happy either way. Knowing or not, it's all the same to them. But this is different. You are going to walk away from this like "well... that's that guys life and he sounds pretty insecure."


Well, to be honest. I guess I am. I battle with myself constantly. On drugs I battle with myself even more, and it's fucking retarded. The people 'behind the curtain' are just kind of 'waiting for me', to either die in physical life or get with the program and move on. Evolve. Become a human. Not some form of life crawling around the underside of whatever fucking culture we've created for ourselves here. But you guys on the other side are just sort of drumming your fingers humming along while I'm sitting here in reality coming to terms with myself and the world around me. Fucking weird, and I kind of have a good idea of where this is all going and how it's going to end out. I'm either going to die or be sucked into some kind of wild and crazy psychedelic oblivion from which I'll probably never return. Crazy and in a nuthouse or dead in a coffin, it's all the same to me. I still become a part of that huge steaming universally cosmic compost pile. Sitting in a circle with my friends up there while they say "well... that was life... you sat there and watched it pass you by and all you really did was write about it. Well, you got one chance and you blew it. Too bad". For me, at this very point in time as I type this... it is a very beautiful moment for me. Strange to you, but it's me coming to terms with the world around me. Previous psychedlic trips have kind of given me a backwards glance through that peep-hole into what's waiting for me on the other side after I stop breathing and my heart pumps that last pint of blood through my veins. But after that. It's game over. Zero. Just floating there wondering what more you could have done with your life. Just embracing whatever it is we get when we are trouble and guilt free from the world. I guess I am kind of jealous of christians and catholics because in a sense, when they die... they die happily (as a religious entity I mean). They can go off to the afterlife thinking that they lived their life in a holy manner and followed the word of the lord and left without guilt nor sin. Sunny stress-free retirement villages are waiting for you when you get there. On the other side of death, that is. You will close your eyes, expel your last breath and all of a sudden come to peace with your circumstances and just embrace death. Let it breathe through you as it carries you away to whatever happens next. Probably more of this mundane bullshit... but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

**This bit is a little personal and you, the reader, probably won't get any of it unless you've read my older trip reports**

It's an odd feeling and I guess I've just become too used to it in a troubling kind of way. I know that you guys are sitting behind there. That fabric in reality in the 'spirit world' where all that karmic shit goes on. And to the reader, YOU KNOW IT GOES ON! You're just lying to yourself in pretending it doesn't because we all know that shit happens. It's just a matter of balance and how much you let it affect your life. But I guess it's your business to choose whether or not it rules your life. Don't worry about me... I got in up to my elbows and am kind of struggling to comprehend how or why I did this thing called life in the first place. Holy fuck I'm talking to you right now. Yes. You. The reader and the shit behind the eyes of life. The people that can see behind the lies, the little things we tell ourselves ("oh, I won't eat this pill... but I said I wouldn't, but who's gonna know?") I mean, noone has to know... but you do. And that's guilt enough. And behind this little peep-hole in reality you guys are sitting back there like "yeah.. we see through it. Get it. It's life. Deal with it". Fuck. So I have to write this to myself as well? I have to write this fucking letter to myself telling myself to get it because I'm too fucking stupid to just move on with the other stuff.

Yep I do. It's what I do. It's what I like to think I'm good at. And I can still remember that little moment of clarity when my ego was shattered. I got a glimpse of what happens when I died. You guys are sitting there waiting for me to come out of my daze. Looking at me... waiting for me to come to. The concussion caused by the stupid decissions I've made and the wrong turns I've taken and the little detours through life I've made. Like the feeling of nitrous leaving your system. Everyone looks at you like "HOW WAS IT??" and you're like "uh... pretty gay" but they look so excited and you just ruined it for them by telling them what they didn't want to hear. And they sit there like "well... you got high... wasn't that what you wanted?" and you say "yeah, I guess. But I thought there was more to it than that."

Then that dumbfounding moment of realisation hits you.
"HOLY FUCK! What the hell am I thinking?" Of course that's what I wanted. And that's all I wanted. And then I get THIS as well. This weird fucked up way of thinking. This dazing truth. Did I really want all this? Knowing that taking that drug was a stupid and pointless thing to do? Knowing that when I pass on from this reality and into the next, you guys ('you guys' I'm referring to is the people 'waiting for me' on the other side of life... long story, you'll probably get it in the end) you'll say "well... that was life. Life was your drug. So we made life a drug. And gave it to you. Or more to the point, we sold it to you. We sold your soul to this drug. Life. And you took it. And that was your trip. So how was it?" and you say "uh... pretty gay" but they look so excited and you just ruined it for them by telling them what they didn't want to hear. And they sit there like "well... you got high... wasn't that what you wanted?" and you say "yeah, I guess. But I thought there was more to it than that."
Then that dumbfounding moment of realisation hits you.
"HOLY FUCK! What the hell am I thinking?

And it's that loop. The loop of life. The CIRCLE of life. Do you get it yet? So that does that mean I sold my soul to the devil for these drugs? Because life is my trip and I'll come out of it sooner or later and just be left there. Dead. Egoless. Nothing. Or do I save myself now, clear my conscious and get to chill with 'those guys' on the other side of life where Jerry Garcia and Jesus Christ get to just fuck around doing whatever the fuck they feel like. Because they can? Is there still a chance? I guess God gave us all that chance to save ourselves at whatever stage in life we choose to do it. It's just a matter of doing it so you can get on with your life and stop going through the lies and moral bullshittery of misguiding yourself through anguish and mental torment. People have their own way of doing it I suppose, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Africans, Aborigines, Maoris, Chinese, Americans, Lawyers, writers, wives, husbands and people. So long as they're happy when they die. Guilt free.
The way I'm going it's not going too good at the moment... but I've still got the rest of my life ahead of me. I know I'm just wasting it away doing whatever is the fuck I'm doing now... but someones got to do it, right? Someones got to write this bullshit for nobody to read. I'll leave this open because I'm not dead yet, and I've still got a lot of pages to fill iny my own little book. So I don't know. Now I'm just waiting for one of you fuckers to even DARE say "that's life, deal with it. We don't care. You're on your own. Wilt and die or pick yourself up and move on. Your business. Not mine. See ya later." Well, maybe I just needed to tell myself that. But someone has to write this shit.

I'll come back and fix up more later. This was a pretty selfish post considering some chick is probably dying right now... but it all works in some weird fucked up psychedelic kind of way. So I'll just leave it at that.

You probably just don't give a fuck about anything I've just said. But I'd like to thank you for reading it anyway.




--------------------
free your mind, find your soul, see past censorship and propaganda!
live your life! and enjoy its simple pleasures. basically, do everything americans have forgotten.
:mushroom2:


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