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Veritas

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
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Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life?
#5843922 - 07/10/06 07:27 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Sometimes it seems that people blame their parents for everything they believe is "wrong" with them. They were spoiled or they were deprived, they were smothered or they were ignored, they were hugged too much or not enough, etc...
At a certain point in our lives, we are no longer linked to our parents by the joint project of child-rearing. Rarely, we are able to forge a new, adult-to-adult, mutually beneficial friendship. More often, we continue to relate to them out of obligation.
But what do we really owe our parents, if anything? They chose to conceive us (one way or another, whether it was deliberate or negligent, they got that sperm and egg together), chose to give birth to us, chose to raise us. They were responsible for their decisions, just as we are responsible for ours. Do we owe them for their efforts? Can you truly owe someone a relationship?
If it is truly not possible, for whatever reason, to have a mutually beneficial relationship with one's family, why not cut them loose?
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Veritas]
#5844075 - 07/10/06 08:01 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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It is possible (but not always ..depends on the quality of the relationship) to have a mutually beneficial relationship with ones parents. My parents and I provide mutual moral support as well as physical support. When I was young and more stupid they helped me out of many binds. I provide them with support for their computer quite frequently, and I try to be dependably at their service as often as they need...which is not often. My father is always willing to lend a hand around my house with construction type projects should I need something built or repaired. I used to be bitter about some of the more unenlightened child rearing practices they used, but I survived, and in the end they did more good than bad. I finally grew up and saw that they did a fine job with me because they taught me one very important thing...to take responsibility for myself.
Does one owe their parents a relationship? No. You must evaluate this relationship as you evaluate all relationships in your life. There are many factors to consider.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Huehuecoyotl]
#5844166 - 07/10/06 08:21 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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I also forgot to mention that actively interested grandparents are great for my kids.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
Edited by Huehuecoyotl (07/10/06 08:21 PM)
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Schwammel
Auk

Registered: 12/10/05
Posts: 845
Last seen: 17 years, 3 months
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Huehuecoyotl]
#5844403 - 07/10/06 09:12 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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soo waht are you doing posting on the board?
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thatiAM
Stranger

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 1,250
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Huehuecoyotl]
#5844411 - 07/10/06 09:14 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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You don't owe anyone anything. If you can love someone who cares about you a LOT (more than it may seem) just for the sake of enjoying that, then good. There is no reason to do something just because you feel obligated to. What counts when you act is intent. If there is no intent for love and growth, why are you going through the motions? I don't mean to imply that you should just quit seeing your parents because you feel obligated to see them. Surely parents enjoy being in contact with their children, who they raised and have deep emotional attachments to. Just add that intent for a loving relationship and peace/happiness in your interactions. That is all that is necessary, let things go from there.
Just let it grow from simple intent for peace.
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BlueCoyote
Beyond


Registered: 05/07/04
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Veritas]
#5846338 - 07/11/06 10:21 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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I am not happy with my parents. They are so screwed, I have no wish to see them anymore, especially my old father. The more I reject, the more they want to get in contact with me. That hurts a lot, while I work my ass of, to survive in the damned babilonic city and get more ill from day to day (leukocytosis). I think, soon I will cancel every contact to my father for at least half a year or I become crazy or kill him.
Some things are 'imprinted' deep inside you from them, what you got when you had been very very young. These things are irreversible. There can be done very wrong.
I know a guy, whose parents died as he was quite young. I told him, that it sometimes may be better if the parents are dead. He was almost not able to understand this, until I told him about my father. Never would I give a quantum of honor to him.
Nevertheless, I go where the sun shines
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Huehuecoyotl
Fading Slowly


Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 10,685
Loc: On the Border
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: thatiAM]
#5847383 - 07/11/06 03:17 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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You seem to assume that my relationship with my parents was based on obligation...and not love. This is an erroneous assumption. I do not owe my parents an obligation of any sort. Just because there are practical aspects to a relationship does not mean that it is sterile. A familly, in my view, is a group of people who have pragmatic relationships to each other. This strengthens emotional relationships by building concrete ties.
One should never maintain a relationship because society says that they should "love" or "venerate" parents. Some parents are truly terrible people who have customed designed their own hells to live in. Any relationship should be evaluated in determining the practical and emotional worth of that contact.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda
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DoctorJ


Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Veritas]
#5847399 - 07/11/06 03:20 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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I owe my father everything, and he will not be denied repayment.
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OldWoodSpecter
waiting


Registered: 02/01/05
Posts: 4,033
Loc: mountains and lakes
Last seen: 17 years, 3 months
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Veritas]
#5847528 - 07/11/06 04:06 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Veritas said: Sometimes it seems that people blame their parents for everything they believe is "wrong" with them. They were spoiled or they were deprived, they were smothered or they were ignored, they were hugged too much or not enough, etc...
At a certain point in our lives, we are no longer linked to our parents by the joint project of child-rearing. Rarely, we are able to forge a new, adult-to-adult, mutually beneficial friendship. More often, we continue to relate to them out of obligation.
But what do we really owe our parents, if anything? They chose to conceive us (one way or another, whether it was deliberate or negligent, they got that sperm and egg together), chose to give birth to us, chose to raise us. They were responsible for their decisions, just as we are responsible for ours. Do we owe them for their efforts? Can you truly owe someone a relationship?
If it is truly not possible, for whatever reason, to have a mutually beneficial relationship with one's family, why not cut them loose?
owe, responsible, blame
all these words are very relative. There is no objective way to determine who owes whom what, who is responsible for what of who is to blaim for what. Those are all human games. Does one dog owe something to the other? No, they just like to drink from the toilet and piss on every corner, that's what they do.
-------------------- I descend upon your earth from the skies I command your very souls you unbelievers Bring before me what is mine
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capliberty
Stranger


Registered: 04/23/06
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: DoctorJ]
#5847551 - 07/11/06 04:15 PM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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NO they don't owe you a relationship, but they do owe themselves the responsibilty to take care of their children,
If a mother ditches out on kids, I say at a young age, I don't quit think that mother was responsibile, she did raise you up 3 yrs but, then ditches of any responsiblity, which responsibilty transfer goes to someone else,
and this also has development effects on the kids being raised with 1 or no parents, the mother and father both play a strong developmental role in their childs future, with one partent the child may have a slower start, because of the off balance of a child not having both advisers with two contrary prospectives, this is important also in the developement of a childs life, that the child recognizes two different outlooks, and contrary opinons, with one set of dominating opinons can cause conflict, but with two sets of contrary views, then the child has less rigid overall view, and becomes well rounded,
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Silversoul
Rhizome


Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 23,576
Loc: The Barricades
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Re: Family: genetic happenstance or partners for life? [Re: Veritas]
#5850267 - 07/12/06 09:45 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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I think family is a way of teaching you how to get along with others whom you might not ordinarily associate with. You have no choice over who your family is, and there are often family members who are very different than you. Growing up with them serves as a lesson in tolerance and openmindedness.
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