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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 61,024
Loc: the sky
Wiffle Ball
    #5733922 - 06/10/06 11:30 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

is a real man's sport.

I'm gonna take a bonghit now, then I'm gonna go to a BBQ in a park and play whiffle ball.  :bye:

edit:  I always think it's spelled whiffle. But it's wiffle. No h. weird.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


Edited by OneMoreRobot3021 (06/10/06 11:42 AM)


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OfflineRedstorm
Prince of Bugs
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Folding@home Statistics
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Re: Whiffle Ball [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5733926 - 06/10/06 11:32 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I like playing whiffle ball, but I can't stand the ball. I like the plastic baseballs with no holes in them.


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InvisiblePrisoner#1
Even Dumber ThanAdvertized!
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Registered: 01/22/03
Posts: 193,665
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Re: Whiffle Ball [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5733945 - 06/10/06 11:35 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

*badminton


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
f n o r d
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Posts: 17,192
Re: Whiffle Ball [Re: Prisoner#1]
    #5734031 - 06/10/06 12:00 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

you just like it cuz it has the word cock in it

shuttlecocks


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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.


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InvisiblePrisoner#1
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Registered: 01/22/03
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Re: Whiffle Ball [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5734046 - 06/10/06 12:06 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I like croquet because they give you big hammers to make war with


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InvisibleAtheist
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Registered: 01/24/06
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Re: Whiffle Ball [Re: Prisoner#1]
    #5734069 - 06/10/06 12:13 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

ultimate frisbee :thumbup:


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Invisiblespud
I'm so fly.

Registered: 10/07/02
Posts: 44,410
Re: Wiffle Ball [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5734089 - 06/10/06 12:18 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

The only thing I like about whiffle ball is not having to walk very far to retrieve the ball after each hit.


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InvisibleAtheist
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Re: Wiffle Ball [Re: spud]
    #5734107 - 06/10/06 12:24 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

and you can throw a mad curve ball with them


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Re: Wiffle Ball [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5842724 - 07/10/06 02:35 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Wiffle Ball

Summer is here and if you aren’t playing Wiffle Ball, you're a damn fool.

If you just read the first sentence and have no idea what a Wiffle Ball is, then you were probably born in Moldova or Kazakhstan. In fact, ClayNation has it on good authority that the latest American citizenship test includes this question: "True or false: 'Wiffle' is a word." This can be the difference between citizenship and being deported.

As I've made abundantly clear in recent columns where we examined such seminal issues as the shocker hand gesture, Pat Robertson’s 2,000-pound leg press and whether or not Joakim Noah was the ugliest supermodel offspring in world history, ClayNation only deals with the most important issues facing America today.

So in the wake of President George W. Bush’s recent failure to remake American immigration policy, we offer the ClayNation Immigration Policy That Everyone Can Love: If you don’t like Wiffle Ball, you have to leave the country ... and you can't come in. Everyone across the political spectrum from Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton to Sen. John McCain would surely endorse this plan if they only knew I existed.

Wiffle Ball has been the fundamental core of American life since 1950 when an enterprising Connecticut father named David N. crafted the first wiffle ball for a son named Dave. Presumably, this lad also shared the initial N., although the Wiffle Ball Web site does not state this. Otherwise, there could be a Wiffle Ball paternity scandal which has the ring of authenticity since there is nothing more American than the whiff of a genuine athletic paternity scandal.

Regardless, like television itself, since 1950, Wiffle Ball has remade American society. You can now buy official Wiffle Ball ties and caps. I would buy a Wiffle Ball cap, but I found their advertising slogan of "Comes with one free ass-kicking" to be a bit off-putting. Thanks to sundry patents, trademarks and copyrights, the Wiffle Ball fortune was ultimately seed money for such illustrious universities as Harvard, Princeton and Yale.

Personally, I have played Wiffle Ball for as long as I can remember and occasionally, I have even played sober. If there was one thing in life ClayNation was sure of, it was that I could adequately explain the rules of Wiffle Ball and follow them in my games. After all, I am a citizen and it would make much less sense for me to advocate the ClayNation Immigration Policy That Everyone Can Love if I couldn’t fulfill the citizenship requirements myself. That would make me a hypocrite and you have no future in politics if you're a hypocrite. Wait ...

So you can imagine my chagrin when I discovered I wasn't playing Wiffle Ball correctly. Not once, according to the revised Wiffle Ball rules (updated in 1954, 1982 and 1999) set in a rigorously worded document. Here are the rules I've been violating:

1. There is no running. Seriously, no running. While this rule perhaps makes some sense when it comes to injuries (if implemented correctly, ClayNation estimates that approximately 48 percent of all sprained ankles, 73 percent of all sibling fights and 99 percent of wiffle body marks would be erased), is there anything more fun than pegging someone with a wiffle ball while they're running? The answer is "no." Yet, according to the rules, running and pegging said runners is forbidden. Also, as my friend Shaw points out, not running generally reduces the risk of most injuries, but it also calls into question the purpose of most sports. Well said.

2. "An ordinary broom handle can be used if a wiffle bat is not available." How in the world did this sentence make it through three revisions from three different decades? Okay, maybe this line works in 1954, but personally, I would have thought it would have joined, "Women may not wear pants while playing," on the cutting room floor. If you see anyone playing with a broom handle today, it’s because the neighborhood bullies have already made their daily rounds.

3. Did I mention there was no pegging? This rule single-handedly eviscerates 50 percent of a fourth grade boy's social standing. Also eliminating pegging from kickball will leave fourth grade boys with no reason to live.

4. "The maximum number of players that can compete are ten -- five players to a side. If a full team is playing, each side will consist of a catcher, pitcher, double area fielder, triple area fielder and home run area fielder. Fielders cannot move from one area to another when a full team is playing." This is really complicated. Much more complicated than the way I remember playing in my youth: When the fat kid comes up, scoot back. When the skinny kid comes up, scoot in. Admittedly, these were rudimentary scouting strategies at best, but we can’t all be Money Ball’s Billy Beane.

5. "The batting order of the team at bat shall be Pitcher, Catcher, Double Area player, Triple Area player and finally, Home Run area player." Has anyone followed this rule ... ever? Imagine if you tried to enforce this rule the next time you played Wiffle Ball. It would be the equivalent of George Brett getting called out for having pine tar too high on his bat. I hate to start rumors, but I’m starting to detect the whiff of a totalitarian/communist bent in the Wiffle Ball rules. The wiffle rules even set your batting order -- what rot. Was Cuba’s Fidel Castro involved in the drafting?

6. "Single markers are placed approximately 24 feet from home plate on the foul line. A ball hit in the single area (i.e. the area between the batters' box and single markers) and not caught constitutes a single. Double markers are placed approximately 20 feet in the back of the single markers on the foul line. A ball hit in the double area (between the single marker and the double marker) and not caught constitutes a double. Triple markers are placed on foul lines 20 feet back of the double markers. Balls hit in the triple area (between the double markers and triple markers) and not caught constitute a triple. Balls hit past the triple markers, and not caught, constitute a home run."

This entire rule sounds like the Supreme Court’s definition of obscenity: "I know it when I see it." I have so many questions. Is it where the ball ends up or where it initially lands? For example, can one hit a line-drive that carries from the single area all the way to the home run area? Doesn’t this entire rule just seem destined to cause fights? The Wiffle Ball rules committee has gone from Mao’s China to a utopian paradise in about two paragraphs. Wiffle officials first insist on dictating your batting order and then they leave it up to you to solve a huge question like, "Was that a single or a home run?" ClayNation demands wiffle clarification when the new rules are revised. Either that or we’d like someone from the Wiffle Ball company to clear up this issue for us via e-mail immediately.

7. "A player hits a single -- his/her team has a man on first base (imaginary runners). The next player hits a single -- the team now has a man on first and second. (ClayNation edit: Imaginary runners). Third batter hits a home run -- three runs score! (The imaginary runners on first and second, plus the home run.)" I’m not sure, but this may be the first legitimate source to ever incorporate imaginary runners within the rules. This almost makes me cut the Wiffle Ball people a little slack for not including pegging in the rules. I trust that my edit will be incorporated in the next version.

So what does all this teach us? Primarily that we are fools in the eyes of the traditional Wiffle Ball rules. It also offers an opportunity to those who are inclined to place bets at your next summer barbecue when Wiffle Ball makes its inevitable appearance. Accept your contentions that according to official Wiffle Ball rules, there is a proscribed batting order, defined fielding positions, no pegging and no running. Hold your ground. Wager if necessary.

But always remember, if you aren’t playing Wiffle Ball at all, you’re a damn fool.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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InvisibleBoom
just a tester
Male
Registered: 06/16/04
Posts: 11,252
Loc: Cypress Creek
Re: Wiffle Ball [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5842735 - 07/10/06 02:38 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Holy shit

I can't believe it has no 'h'


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