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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive.
    #5811875 - 07/02/06 08:53 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

This post might get a little long but I need to get it out of my head and I need at least someone to read it who can sympathize so I know I’m not completely nuts…so here goes….

Last night I went to the store and bought a coffee grinder even though I knew I couldn’t really afford it.  Money is extremely tight right now.  I come back home and read the teks on how to make shroom tea.  Last time I attempted failed miserably.  I follow the instructions according to the text (thanks Wronguy :smile: ), powdering 5 grams which included lots of aborts (strong fuckers) and I slowly drink the tea which doesn’t taste like mushrooms at all….at all.  And for some odd reason that made me incredibly nervous…why? 

I finish downing the tea and I go lay down in my bed, trying to get myself to relax and prepare for the trip which I believe is going to start in about an hour or so.  Hahahaha, yeah right, within 15-20 minutes I feel the pressure in my spine and in my arms and I hear this whirring mechanical noise.  And I’m thinking to myself….no fucking way….no fucking way.  If you’ve ever read Terence McKenna’s memoirs about his trip to La Chorrera, he talks about how if you listen for it, you can here the sound of the psilocybin molecule binding with the receptor sites in the brain, he called electron spin resonance.  Anyway, I’m almost positive I heard this.  And the whole time I’m thinking…holy shit, this is it, this is going to be an insane trip….how wrong I was. 

I continue to lie there focusing on this buzzing sound when all of a sudden, I hear another one and another one and another one.  And after what I can remember as maybe 7-8 buzzing sounds there was this loud POP and all I heard was one incredibly earth shattering buzz, so loud I thought some pipes or something busted.  Nope it was all in my head.  I couldn’t stand up, I could barely move.  Somehow I got over to the light switch and turned on the light (this was all in silent darkness).  At that moment, I thought I had died…I thought this was the bright light that you always hear about.  The light was so intense I had to shield my eyes.  When my eyes adjusted I just happened to look up at the ceiling and above me was the most frightening and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

As with most descriptions of the psychedelic state, it’s impossible to describe, but I’ll give it a whirl.  Above me in the ceiling was a spinning, breathing, omniscient spiraling galaxy of indescribable amounts of dimensions.  I swear the ceiling had ripped open and I was staring into something that I can’t even fathom.  Like a void maybe.

Quote:

One of the most enigmatic of all transpersonal phenomena is the experience of the Void, the encounter with primordial Emptiness, Nothingness, and Silence. This extraordinary spiritual experience is of a highly paradoxical nature. The Void exists beyond form of any kind. While being a source of everything it cannot itself be derived from anything else. It is beyond space and time. While we can perceive nothing concrete in the Void, there is also the profound sense that nothing is missing. This absolute emptiness is simultaneously pregnant with all of existence since it contains everything in a potential form.




That right there kinda sums up what I think I experienced.  I was so fucking scared that I had to get grounded somehow or I thought I was gonna float away into it.  So I pick up the phone and it takes me 5 minutes to remember how to operate it and to remember who is who and who I need to call.  :lol:  I call my buddy Marlon and somehow he wasn’t doing anything and immediately came over.  His presence immediately brought me down just a little bit to where I thought I might actually pull through. 

And here’s where the trip got so messed up and I’m so fucking angry about it.  Marlon and I started talking about life and somehow I was able to form and understand clear sentences.  :lol:  He asked me how I was doing and stuff and somehow the conversation steered towards this girl that I was involved with last year and he got to talking about her.  I haven’t seen her in 6 months or more after she just stopped talking to me.  I never got the closure I wanted and need.  He started updating me on what he’s heard about her and I started getting into this negative thought loop about how she fucked me over and she’s so uncaring and a complete wreck of a person and all I could think about was her, when it does me no good.  I tried analyzing it on the level that I was currently operating in and it just wouldn’t work itself out.  I need to get my closure somehow and I don’t know how to go about getting it.  How do I get it?  I know how much of a bitch she is and how me trying to talk to her about what's on my mind will do no good.  She really is the most selfish, lost old girl I've ever met in my life.  And yet, the thought of her is always in the back of my mind....like a fucking cancer.  I want to cut this fucking cancer out!  :mad2:

So here I am, the next morning, and all I can think about is how I need to get this closure and how thankful I am to be alive.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever trip again.  I think I’m done.  I don’t know if there’s anything more I need to experience in the psychedelic state.  It’s going to be a long time before I trip again, that’s all I know.

If you made it this far, I truly appreciate it and if you guys could leave a few lines on how I could possibly go about getting this closure I need, that’d be awesome.

Thank you and I love all you guys.  :heart: :sun: :cool:


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InvisibleClean
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5811898 - 07/02/06 09:12 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

I guess it all depends on what you mean by closure. Whether you just want to say some things and be done with it, or whether you want some kind of response from her in order to get that sense of closure. A mutual discourse could certainly help, but it all depends on whether both parties are capable of doing that without trying to force their will on the other.

Closure comes from within, in my experience.
No one can really give it to you.

If you end up seeing her and the conversation naturally drifts to the areas of your concern then go for it, try to address those issues. If you force things you could be inviting her to have continued dealings with you, which it sounds like you don't want based on your cancer analogy.


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OfflineClammyJoe
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Clean]
    #5811921 - 07/02/06 09:21 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Nuts.

Don't worry about the girl anyway

She's probably just a bitch.


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Clean]
    #5811922 - 07/02/06 09:22 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Hahahah, yes.  I would be compltely fine if I never saw her again.  My friend from work just moved and he moved two apartment complexes from her.  I can literally see her window from his place.  How fucked up is that shit??  I was there on Friday night and I had to forcefully restrain myself from not walking over there and knocking on her door.

I don't know why, but I feel the need to yell at her and tell her that she's is a complete piece of shit for trying to drag me down with her and then when she finally got through that rough spot in her life that I was there for her for, she threw me away like unneeded styrofoam cup.

I know that if I was to contact her or showup at her door, she wouldn't take anything seriously and just brush it off as if it were not that important.

Thanks for the reply, man.  :cool:


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: ClammyJoe]
    #5811929 - 07/02/06 09:26 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

TheMadConductor said:
Nuts.

Don't worry about the girl anyway

She's probably just a bitch.





She is just a bitch. That's what pisses me off the most. I know how much of a piece of shit she is and how having her in my life was a mistake and yet she's still in my mind, a year later. That's what pisses me off. There's no reason for her to be in my mind and yet there she is and most of my friends know her and see her and they always feel the need to update me on her situations, when I really don't give a fuck.

I wanted so bad to get her away from me, I moved, I got a new job (we used to work together), started school and changed my phone number, all in the attempt to cut her out of my life....


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OfflineClammyJoe
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5811938 - 07/02/06 09:31 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Sounds like you just need a little meditation. You don't have to come to peace with her. You just need to come to peace with yourself.


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InvisibleClean
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5811946 - 07/02/06 09:33 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

:smile:
Yeah I'd just move on from that one man..no use wallowing in that shit.

Enjoy your break from tripping.  It's fun to spend a while reflecting on all those experiences.  Laugh at anyone that tells you you're being a pussy or whatever.  To each their own!


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5811949 - 07/02/06 09:37 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

everyone has a reason for their actions.  weather or not they take into account the feelings of others... she thought that she was doing the right thing, I'm sure.

you can end up jaded, emptied jaw slacked and used, but to her it was for a good purpose.

can you accept your fate in her eyes?  or do you see things much differently in your shoes?

there's nothing wrong with confrontation, its just difficult sometimes... but when you do encounter her (and you will, trust me, life sorts itself out) don't yell at her because thats only going to make you feel like you get to win, when in reality its the most selfish and childish thing that you can do back to her.

conversation isn't about wining. 

go tell her you're sorry it happened the way it did, you felt used and abused etc in a time of her life when she needed you and then you were tossed aside.

tell her you understand that thats the way it has to be, and you're glad you got to spend the time you had with her and you wish you could at least remain friends.

shell ask how you're doing.

tell her the truth.

ask how shes doing.

act like its the truth, it very well may be.

listen to what she has to say.

carry on with life.

:heart:


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: ClammyJoe]
    #5811952 - 07/02/06 09:38 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

TheMadConductor said:
Sounds like you just need a little meditation. You don't have to come to peace with her. You just need to come to peace with yourself.




How do I do this? What do I meditate on? Where do I even begin?


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OfflineClammyJoe
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5811958 - 07/02/06 09:42 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Well, the feelings are there, and its already begun, you just have to find the answer, and even then, its still gonna suck.

I know it sounds kinda cryptic, but during my short time on earth, I've learn thats how the brain handles things.

Relationships aren't easy.


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Todcasil]
    #5811961 - 07/02/06 09:43 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Todcasil said:
everyone has a reason for their actions.  weather or not they take into account the feelings of others... she thought that she was doing the right thing, I'm sure.

you can end up jaded, emptied jaw slacked and used, but to her it was for a good purpose.

can you accept your fate in her eyes?  or do you see things much differently in your shoes?

there's nothing wrong with confrontation, its just difficult sometimes... but when you do encounter her (and you will, trust me, life sorts itself out) don't yell at her because thats only going to make you feel like you get to win, when in reality its the most selfish and childish thing that you can do back to her.

conversation isn't about wining. 

go tell her you're sorry it happened the way it did, you felt used and abused etc in a time of her life when she needed you and then you were tossed aside.

tell her you understand that thats the way it has to be, and you're glad you got to spend the time you had with her and you wish you could at least remain friends.

shell ask how you're doing.

tell her the truth.

ask how shes doing.

act like its the truth, it very well may be.

listen to what she has to say.

carry on with life.

:heart:





I don't think I'm strong enough to do what you said.  That's another thing I'm angry about, I wanted to trip to get my ego sorted out a bit, get things in perspective and priorities in line.  Now I feel it's back with a vengence and my ego is telling me that I don't want to be her friend, I don't give a shit about how she's doing, and I'm not glad of the time we spent together. 

How the hell am I sorry for the way it happened?  I did the right thing, played everything as it should have been played and I got dumped on.  There were no positives for me in this whole situation.


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Invisibleivi
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5811963 - 07/02/06 09:45 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Welcome back :smile2:


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: ivi]
    #5811967 - 07/02/06 09:46 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

:lol: 


Thank you ivi.  :grin:


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812017 - 07/02/06 10:11 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

well, you, does everything have to be about you?

can you be a tool for getting her life back to where she wants it and handle that?

you are not omni-important in relationships.

and maybe there is a lesson to be learned here that only she could teach you, unless you don't learn it, then someone else will come along and make you feel that way again until you get it right.

selfless love is a difficult thing to wrap a brain around, but its possible.

hell, its even possible to feel the hurt and still let her know you enjoyed the time you spent with her...

why would you want her to feel guilty about ANYTHING?

guilt is religious style punishment, and you want her to feel bad that she decided being with you wasn't the right thing?

there is more than one way to look at every relationship brother...

yours is just a facet of the crystal that is humanity.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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Offlinesensesreal
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Todcasil]
    #5812023 - 07/02/06 10:14 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

that's CRAZY!
shittt.


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"I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human,
with the soul of a clown which forces me to
blow it at the most important moments."


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812141 - 07/02/06 11:14 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

edit


Edited by Supernova (07/02/06 12:41 PM)


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Supernova]
    #5812168 - 07/02/06 11:24 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

:lol:


Hahahaha, no.  I don't have a ceiling fan and I actually just looked to make sure that I didn't....for sure.  :smile:


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InvisibleColonel Kurtz Ph.D
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812376 - 07/02/06 12:35 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Wow. I', speechless, because even tho I've never had something like that happen I think I can somehow understand it... as I said, wow.


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:whatwhat:

There's no better way to rock out than with your cock out!!


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OfflineIamthewalrus
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812551 - 07/02/06 01:56 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

I didn't read most of the thread but I think u need to forgive her...your gonna find someone who loves u and treats u right and u will be glad that this girl broke it off with u :smile:


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Colonel Kurtz Ph.D]
    #5812555 - 07/02/06 01:58 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Just to update you guys, if you care at all.  :smile:

I decided to say fuck it and I walked into that girl's (B) work, and went up to her and told her that I need to talk to her about something and that I think she needs to take a 3-4 cigarette break.  :smile:  She got the hint.

So we walk into the back lot and I tell her what's on my mind and she apologized for everything and it turns out that another girl (E) who was our mutual friend had lied to her, making shit up about me and how I felt about B.  E told B that I was a clingy child and that I was talking shit behind her back.  B couldn't handle it cuz she had gotten into a lot of trouble and said that she just needed a break from everything.

I told her that was cool, but she should have told me that instead of just stopping in talking to me.  She seemed like she was sincere and I guess I have to beleive that she was.

I'm not sure if I got my closure that I needed or not, but it felt good to see her again and to break down that mental picture I had built up in my mind over these last few months.  And I guess just to talk to her again and know that I'm not the one for her, but that doesn't meang that I'm not going to be there for her.  I still care about her, but I'm going to care about her on another level, one without the bullshit that comes along with a relationship and sex.  Goddamn, I never thought I'd say that.....  :tongue2:

Goddamn life is fucking out of control at all times.  Right when you think you're where you need to be, life shows you that you're not.

I truly appreciate all the peoplet that replied, even though you didn't have to.  It means a lot.  :heart:


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Edited by Penguarky Tunguin (07/02/06 01:59 PM)


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OfflineJfisher
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812564 - 07/02/06 02:04 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Do you think that maybe all your reading about Mckenna's phenomena may have influenced that trip? Good to hear you got your closure, or something close to it.


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OfflineClammyJoe
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812566 - 07/02/06 02:04 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Jesus, you get a lot done during the day.


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OfflineIamthewalrus
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812570 - 07/02/06 02:05 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

np man...I know how fuckin nuts relationships can make ya feel(no trip even compares!) :P...I get so annoyed when I see all these stand up comedians making us guys out to be fuckin robots who want nothing more then sex and feel nothing...I don't relate to that shit at all...I wish I didn't feel all the shit I Feel but I do...and I wish sex was all I cared about that would be easy...but thats nowhere near the case


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OfflineMicrocosmatrix
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812586 - 07/02/06 02:14 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Shoulda done L with me instead. tsk tsk


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:orly:



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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812587 - 07/02/06 02:14 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

I know the noises you're talking about. I just tripped again about a week ago after a loooong (more than 6 months) break after I had a trip similar to what you described. It was only 2.5g and I DEFINITELY still wasn't ready. Dying is a scary experience. I'd reccomend not tripping for a while even if you feel like you're ready for it.

I also have a similar girl situation. We had a really intense relaitonship and just kind of... quit without saying anything. It happens, but like others said you need to find the closure within yourself and move on. Those who say it's not worth it to dwell are wrong though. That's how you'll find the closure. Think through all the details of your relaitonship and try to find the truth that it wasn't going to work, and accept the good times you had, and move on.

It's kind of creepy how many correlations there are between your post and my own life. Feel free to PM me if you want.
This too shall pass.


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"Ignore the distortion you're forced to percieve and believe that what supercedes is love, but who agrees?"


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Iamthewalrus]
    #5812591 - 07/02/06 02:17 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks everybody.  Like I said, I'm not sure if it really did any good or not, but at least I took the intiative to do it right?  I'm not exactly sure what to do now.  I got her number again and I gave her mine and I offered to buy her a drink later in the week or nextweek or whenver, and she said she'd love that.  I have a feeling it won't happen, but we'll see about that.

Walrus, you're right.  I feel what you feel too and it's a lot to carry around and to think about.  It can be overwhelming sometimes and all you can do is hope that the people who do choose to take on all that responsiblity well get rewarded somehow.

Jfisher, most likely.  I can't rule it out.  I just didn't think it operated like that.  I still can't believe how fast that shit kicked in.  It was like one minute, I was fine, the next minute I'm balls to the wall trying to hold on.... :smile:


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OfflineJfisher
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812619 - 07/02/06 02:26 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Heheheh, yeah tea is pretty good at that.  I powdered an 1/8 into guava juice and chugged it on an empty stomach one morning and had one of those death experiences.  I can't imagine doing more than that.  Way too much chaos and confusion for my liking :tongue:


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OfflineIamthewalrus
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812799 - 07/02/06 03:47 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

I think its cool that even tho u view this trip as negative it ended up leading u in the right direction(and I'm not saying its always gonna happen this way but its still cool to see)


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Iamthewalrus]
    #5812805 - 07/02/06 03:49 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

I hope it did man. It's too early to tell. And I knew why I didn't want to talk to her, cuz now all I can do is sit here thinking about her.....I hope women know the power they have over us guys.


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OfflineIamthewalrus
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812827 - 07/02/06 03:59 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

ya I know man...I'm feeling a lot of what your feeling right now too...and I have no idea where its gonna take me...its very hard to be in a vulnerable spot like this...I just hope it works out for both of us


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Iamthewalrus]
    #5812843 - 07/02/06 04:03 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

It will. It's just the waiting part. Peaks and valleys and I've been in a valley for a year and I'm tired of the view. Hopefully theres a peak around the corner.


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812913 - 07/02/06 04:38 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

ya I've been in the valley for a while too but its really my own fault...k as u can probably tell I"m very emotional...that plus an oxy addiction = extremely fucked up mood swings and saying things I didn't mean...so now I gotta basically sit in limbo for a while so she knows that I really love her etc...I still don't think its gonna end up working out but she was very in love with me at one point...so if she still loves me after everything I Put her through well then its gotta be a forever kinda thing(I almost needed this time apart just to realize how much she meant to me) I honeslty wasn't sure if I'd get over her or not...I haven't...and I"m not sure yet if thats a good thing or not


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5812959 - 07/02/06 04:56 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Penguarky Tunguin said:
It will.  It's just the waiting part.  Peaks and valleys and I've been in a valley for a year and I'm tired of the view.  Hopefully theres a peak around the corner.




:heart:

My last Pub post ever!


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5813298 - 07/02/06 07:17 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Sounds like a very intense trip. I'm always able to control my thoughts while tripping so I've never experienced something quite like that.

You should wait awhile until you think you can handle another trip like that.

As far as the girl goes. You'll get over it.


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5813373 - 07/02/06 07:38 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

That sound so much like my very first trip. I can't believe that.

Here's my story, it's long like yours, but it might help you out:
----------------------------------------------------------

I was 16 or 17 years old. One difference is this I ate 2 fresh cubes that were given to me by an old moderator of the hunting forum. They were found growing from stable shavings(horse poo + wood chips). Stable shavings cubes are notoriously more potent than regular cow poo cubes. Would have been great to know that before I ate them :wink:

I ate what was probably around 4-5 grams dry(but these were wet). I ate them at a friends house after he had eaten 1 and started tripping. I had to be home that night, so I drove home right after I ate them. The drive home took me 10 minutes. After being home for about 20-30 minutes, I started having the exact same things happen.

Here's the big difference: I was at home with my family. Mom and dad had no clue. They went to bed, and I went to bed shortly after they did, making sure that I wouldn't run into them. I crawled up the stairs because I had horrible cramps in my knees(seems to be the norm when I trip). I crawled into my bed, then the heard exact same noise. It freaked me the fuck out.

I have NEVER had any thoughts that were more insane. As I was coming up, my thoughts started to get derranged. I got scarred. I kept thinking to myself "This isn't happening, this isn't real, you just took a drug, it will wear off soon". Those thoughts turned into "What the FUCK have I done to myself? How the FUCK can mushrooms do this to me? What if I'm NEVER normal again? I can't live like this. I guess if that happens, I'll just kill myself." I was scarred as shit.

So I called a friend. Well, tried to call a friend. My eyes wouldn't focus and the trails were so intense that I couldn't see to dial. I called a wrong number and hung up on the dude. That scarred me too.

Eventually I peaked. The peak lasted probably an hour or more. During this time I forgot how to talk. I even had trouble remembering how to open my eyes. Once I finally opened them the void consumed me. I thought I had died. The void looked like being in space, I saw galaxies, planets, etc. I also saw some stuff that should have been horrifying, like flaming skulls with half the flesh torn of flying around (which were also laughing evily), and a bunch of there very dark/evil/morbit shit. Luckly I was more amused by the morbid images and sounds.
I had no concept of my self, my room, or life in general. I thought I was going to forget how to breath. I thought about going to my mother for help. I had no clue what I'd say to her. I thought about telling her that I'd be poisioned or something. I just needed comfort.

I had to piss horribly(horray for shrooms being a diuretic), but I couldn't make my limbs work. I contemplated just pissing in the bed. I eventually made my limbs work and crawled into the bathroom. On my way back, my dad came into my room. I had to work the next day and he asked if I had set my alarm clock. I had no control over the volume of my voice and I was apparently yelling and I told him that I hadn't and thanked him for reminding me. He told me not to be so loud, I'd wake up my mom, so I started whispering. He left and somehow never knew.

I talked myself down and the I started to come down. I flipped on the TV and watched some rap videos on MTV. I felt an extreme sense of peace and respect. I remember thinking "Hey, you know what? Black people are cool. They might have a different culture that doesn't make sense to me, but they're human just like me, and I'm cool with that." I eventually flipped to CSPAN and watched people's faces morph and whatnot. Lastly, I watched the flintstones-- anyone ever notice how trippy the backgrounds are in that cartoon? I eventually got to sleep and had a HELL of a story to tell my coworkers about the next day.
------------------------------------------------------------

I'd call my first trip a level 5, yours sounds pretty damn close.

I posted my story to let you know that someone else has had a similar experience. I think your buddy coming over was the BEST thing for you. Without that you would have had several hours of pure hell to endure like I did. One area where he did go wrong was talking about your ex. Anyone who has tripped/is a good trip sitter knows that bringing up someone you have strong feelings for(negative/hurt/miss type feelings) is a bad idea. If I were him I would have shifted the conversation in another direction.

After hearing my story, I bet you think I'd never trip again, right? Wrong.

It took me a long time to trip again after that, probably a year or so. All subsequent trips were awesome. My next trip was a lower dose, about half of what I took my first time. I also tripped with friends. That trip was awesome.

Don't let a rough/bad trip ruin it for you. It's all about set/setting and the friends you are with. I was in my parents house, by myself, ate way too much, and had no idea what to expect... talk about a horrible situation for a trip.

I will only trip with a select number of people. Those people being my best guy friends, and I used to trip with my girlfriend(now broken up). I'll never trip with the ex, that's a recipe for disaster.

I hope you do trip again, but next time go for a lower dose and don't do it alone. If I were you, I'd dose with a friend who has tripped several times on mushrooms.

I'm always the "go to guy" when my friends, or friends' friends want to trip for the first time. I guess because they know I've tripped enough to know how to cope with things and talk someone down.

When it comes to tripping, experience is key. You have to build experience slowly.

Man, thinking back on my first trip makes me want to trip again. It's been probably a year since my last trip, I just kind of lost interest, but damn. I'm interested again. Thanks for reminding me what it's like, PT.

As far as the girl goes: sounds like she's not worth the time/effort. Just let the issue die. No use on getting back into the emotions involved during that time. Don't call her. The thoughts will eventually go away. Give it a few weeks. Stay busy.

BTW: if this post sounds like a product of stimulants, it is. I took my adderal because I'm supposed to be working on chemistry :P I'll go do that now.


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Gumby]
    #5813400 - 07/02/06 07:53 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Good to hear man.  This wasnt my first trip.  Probably around my 40th, I've just never experienced anything like that ever.  I won't be tripping for awhile and if I do, it will be with friends and outdoors preferably. 

In defense of my buddy, he's kinda straight edge, never tripped before, and was just trying to bring me down like I asked him to.  He actually started talking about work and somehow she came up.

What is hardest to describe, for me at least, is the feelings I get when I'm tripping that hard.  I see things and feel things that just seem to me, so fucking real, more real than this reality and that's what scares me.  Cuz this life seems pretty real and if there's something out there that's more real....

Death is going to be the most beautiful thing one can experience.  I think thats why bad trips happen.  They are so scary yet you know (maybe not at that exact instant whilst trippin :smile: ) that you're gonna live through it and that's why you fight it.  Where as with death, you'll probably know its the last few seconds and you'll be at peace.

And like I said in my previous posts, I'm just glad I had the balls to go through with confronting her about what I needed.  It felt really good to see and hear her again and to leave the door of friendship open where as yesterday I didn't care if I ever saw her again.

Shrooms really are magic and they make things happen within you so you have the courage to do stuff you never thought you would.

Thanks again everybody for you posts.  :heart:


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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Penguarky Tunguin]
    #5813426 - 07/02/06 08:03 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

That sounds insane! I never been that gone on shrooms, I have been very gone on LSD many times.
I was on 3.5 grams of shrooms last night myself, but it was cool to watch the show XXX on them, after I was peaking good I watched the clouds for a while and the stars at 3:30 am.
I felt that life in itself was a nice thing, even known there is bad things that happen in it. I realized that no one is perfect and we all have faults.
But I have yet to trip that hard on shrooms, I bet it is scary but it is amazing how a fungus can make you get into that state of mind to begin with.
Even if I had a scary trip on shrooms, I still would use them off and on in lower doses. Shrooms are great!  :mushroom2: :grin:


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