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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive.
#5811875 - 07/02/06 08:53 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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This post might get a little long but I need to get it out of my head and I need at least someone to read it who can sympathize so I know I’m not completely nuts…so here goes….
Last night I went to the store and bought a coffee grinder even though I knew I couldn’t really afford it. Money is extremely tight right now. I come back home and read the teks on how to make shroom tea. Last time I attempted failed miserably. I follow the instructions according to the text (thanks Wronguy ), powdering 5 grams which included lots of aborts (strong fuckers) and I slowly drink the tea which doesn’t taste like mushrooms at all….at all. And for some odd reason that made me incredibly nervous…why?
I finish downing the tea and I go lay down in my bed, trying to get myself to relax and prepare for the trip which I believe is going to start in about an hour or so. Hahahaha, yeah right, within 15-20 minutes I feel the pressure in my spine and in my arms and I hear this whirring mechanical noise. And I’m thinking to myself….no fucking way….no fucking way. If you’ve ever read Terence McKenna’s memoirs about his trip to La Chorrera, he talks about how if you listen for it, you can here the sound of the psilocybin molecule binding with the receptor sites in the brain, he called electron spin resonance. Anyway, I’m almost positive I heard this. And the whole time I’m thinking…holy shit, this is it, this is going to be an insane trip….how wrong I was.
I continue to lie there focusing on this buzzing sound when all of a sudden, I hear another one and another one and another one. And after what I can remember as maybe 7-8 buzzing sounds there was this loud POP and all I heard was one incredibly earth shattering buzz, so loud I thought some pipes or something busted. Nope it was all in my head. I couldn’t stand up, I could barely move. Somehow I got over to the light switch and turned on the light (this was all in silent darkness). At that moment, I thought I had died…I thought this was the bright light that you always hear about. The light was so intense I had to shield my eyes. When my eyes adjusted I just happened to look up at the ceiling and above me was the most frightening and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
As with most descriptions of the psychedelic state, it’s impossible to describe, but I’ll give it a whirl. Above me in the ceiling was a spinning, breathing, omniscient spiraling galaxy of indescribable amounts of dimensions. I swear the ceiling had ripped open and I was staring into something that I can’t even fathom. Like a void maybe.
Quote:
One of the most enigmatic of all transpersonal phenomena is the experience of the Void, the encounter with primordial Emptiness, Nothingness, and Silence. This extraordinary spiritual experience is of a highly paradoxical nature. The Void exists beyond form of any kind. While being a source of everything it cannot itself be derived from anything else. It is beyond space and time. While we can perceive nothing concrete in the Void, there is also the profound sense that nothing is missing. This absolute emptiness is simultaneously pregnant with all of existence since it contains everything in a potential form.
That right there kinda sums up what I think I experienced. I was so fucking scared that I had to get grounded somehow or I thought I was gonna float away into it. So I pick up the phone and it takes me 5 minutes to remember how to operate it and to remember who is who and who I need to call. I call my buddy Marlon and somehow he wasn’t doing anything and immediately came over. His presence immediately brought me down just a little bit to where I thought I might actually pull through.
And here’s where the trip got so messed up and I’m so fucking angry about it. Marlon and I started talking about life and somehow I was able to form and understand clear sentences. He asked me how I was doing and stuff and somehow the conversation steered towards this girl that I was involved with last year and he got to talking about her. I haven’t seen her in 6 months or more after she just stopped talking to me. I never got the closure I wanted and need. He started updating me on what he’s heard about her and I started getting into this negative thought loop about how she fucked me over and she’s so uncaring and a complete wreck of a person and all I could think about was her, when it does me no good. I tried analyzing it on the level that I was currently operating in and it just wouldn’t work itself out. I need to get my closure somehow and I don’t know how to go about getting it. How do I get it? I know how much of a bitch she is and how me trying to talk to her about what's on my mind will do no good. She really is the most selfish, lost old girl I've ever met in my life. And yet, the thought of her is always in the back of my mind....like a fucking cancer. I want to cut this fucking cancer out! 
So here I am, the next morning, and all I can think about is how I need to get this closure and how thankful I am to be alive. I’m not sure if I’ll ever trip again. I think I’m done. I don’t know if there’s anything more I need to experience in the psychedelic state. It’s going to be a long time before I trip again, that’s all I know.
If you made it this far, I truly appreciate it and if you guys could leave a few lines on how I could possibly go about getting this closure I need, that’d be awesome.
Thank you and I love all you guys.
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Clean
the lense


Registered: 05/11/03
Posts: 2,374
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I guess it all depends on what you mean by closure. Whether you just want to say some things and be done with it, or whether you want some kind of response from her in order to get that sense of closure. A mutual discourse could certainly help, but it all depends on whether both parties are capable of doing that without trying to force their will on the other.
Closure comes from within, in my experience. No one can really give it to you.
If you end up seeing her and the conversation naturally drifts to the areas of your concern then go for it, try to address those issues. If you force things you could be inviting her to have continued dealings with you, which it sounds like you don't want based on your cancer analogy.
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ClammyJoe
Azurescen Head



Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 3,691
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Clean]
#5811921 - 07/02/06 09:21 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Nuts.
Don't worry about the girl anyway
She's probably just a bitch.
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Clean]
#5811922 - 07/02/06 09:22 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hahahah, yes. I would be compltely fine if I never saw her again. My friend from work just moved and he moved two apartment complexes from her. I can literally see her window from his place. How fucked up is that shit?? I was there on Friday night and I had to forcefully restrain myself from not walking over there and knocking on her door.
I don't know why, but I feel the need to yell at her and tell her that she's is a complete piece of shit for trying to drag me down with her and then when she finally got through that rough spot in her life that I was there for her for, she threw me away like unneeded styrofoam cup.
I know that if I was to contact her or showup at her door, she wouldn't take anything seriously and just brush it off as if it were not that important.
Thanks for the reply, man.
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: ClammyJoe]
#5811929 - 07/02/06 09:26 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
TheMadConductor said: Nuts.
Don't worry about the girl anyway
She's probably just a bitch.
She is just a bitch. That's what pisses me off the most. I know how much of a piece of shit she is and how having her in my life was a mistake and yet she's still in my mind, a year later. That's what pisses me off. There's no reason for her to be in my mind and yet there she is and most of my friends know her and see her and they always feel the need to update me on her situations, when I really don't give a fuck.
I wanted so bad to get her away from me, I moved, I got a new job (we used to work together), started school and changed my phone number, all in the attempt to cut her out of my life....
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ClammyJoe
Azurescen Head



Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 3,691
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
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Sounds like you just need a little meditation. You don't have to come to peace with her. You just need to come to peace with yourself.
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Clean
the lense


Registered: 05/11/03
Posts: 2,374
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 Yeah I'd just move on from that one man..no use wallowing in that shit.
Enjoy your break from tripping. It's fun to spend a while reflecting on all those experiences. Laugh at anyone that tells you you're being a pussy or whatever. To each their own!
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Todcasil
rogue DMT elf


Registered: 08/08/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 9 years, 4 months
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everyone has a reason for their actions. weather or not they take into account the feelings of others... she thought that she was doing the right thing, I'm sure.
you can end up jaded, emptied jaw slacked and used, but to her it was for a good purpose.
can you accept your fate in her eyes? or do you see things much differently in your shoes?
there's nothing wrong with confrontation, its just difficult sometimes... but when you do encounter her (and you will, trust me, life sorts itself out) don't yell at her because thats only going to make you feel like you get to win, when in reality its the most selfish and childish thing that you can do back to her.
conversation isn't about wining.
go tell her you're sorry it happened the way it did, you felt used and abused etc in a time of her life when she needed you and then you were tossed aside.
tell her you understand that thats the way it has to be, and you're glad you got to spend the time you had with her and you wish you could at least remain friends.
shell ask how you're doing.
tell her the truth.
ask how shes doing.
act like its the truth, it very well may be.
listen to what she has to say.
carry on with life.
-------------------- Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect GODDESSES Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud GODS. ~Casil
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: ClammyJoe]
#5811952 - 07/02/06 09:38 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
TheMadConductor said: Sounds like you just need a little meditation. You don't have to come to peace with her. You just need to come to peace with yourself.
How do I do this? What do I meditate on? Where do I even begin?
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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ClammyJoe
Azurescen Head



Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 3,691
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
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Well, the feelings are there, and its already begun, you just have to find the answer, and even then, its still gonna suck.
I know it sounds kinda cryptic, but during my short time on earth, I've learn thats how the brain handles things.
Relationships aren't easy.
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Todcasil]
#5811961 - 07/02/06 09:43 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Quote:
Todcasil said: everyone has a reason for their actions. weather or not they take into account the feelings of others... she thought that she was doing the right thing, I'm sure.
you can end up jaded, emptied jaw slacked and used, but to her it was for a good purpose.
can you accept your fate in her eyes? or do you see things much differently in your shoes?
there's nothing wrong with confrontation, its just difficult sometimes... but when you do encounter her (and you will, trust me, life sorts itself out) don't yell at her because thats only going to make you feel like you get to win, when in reality its the most selfish and childish thing that you can do back to her.
conversation isn't about wining.
go tell her you're sorry it happened the way it did, you felt used and abused etc in a time of her life when she needed you and then you were tossed aside.
tell her you understand that thats the way it has to be, and you're glad you got to spend the time you had with her and you wish you could at least remain friends.
shell ask how you're doing.
tell her the truth.
ask how shes doing.
act like its the truth, it very well may be.
listen to what she has to say.
carry on with life.
I don't think I'm strong enough to do what you said. That's another thing I'm angry about, I wanted to trip to get my ego sorted out a bit, get things in perspective and priorities in line. Now I feel it's back with a vengence and my ego is telling me that I don't want to be her friend, I don't give a shit about how she's doing, and I'm not glad of the time we spent together.
How the hell am I sorry for the way it happened? I did the right thing, played everything as it should have been played and I got dumped on. There were no positives for me in this whole situation.
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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ivi


Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 9,089
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Welcome back
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: ivi]
#5811967 - 07/02/06 09:46 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Thank you ivi.
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Todcasil
rogue DMT elf


Registered: 08/08/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 9 years, 4 months
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well, you, does everything have to be about you?
can you be a tool for getting her life back to where she wants it and handle that?
you are not omni-important in relationships.
and maybe there is a lesson to be learned here that only she could teach you, unless you don't learn it, then someone else will come along and make you feel that way again until you get it right.
selfless love is a difficult thing to wrap a brain around, but its possible.
hell, its even possible to feel the hurt and still let her know you enjoyed the time you spent with her...
why would you want her to feel guilty about ANYTHING?
guilt is religious style punishment, and you want her to feel bad that she decided being with you wasn't the right thing?
there is more than one way to look at every relationship brother...
yours is just a facet of the crystal that is humanity.
-------------------- Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect GODDESSES Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud GODS. ~Casil
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sensesreal
trippinnn.


Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 13
Loc: california
Last seen: 17 years, 6 months
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Todcasil]
#5812023 - 07/02/06 10:14 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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that's CRAZY! shittt.
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"I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
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Supernova
Stranger

Registered: 08/13/03
Posts: 3,151
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edit
Edited by Supernova (07/02/06 12:41 PM)
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: So....Uh...Yeah, I'm grateful to be alive. [Re: Supernova]
#5812168 - 07/02/06 11:24 AM (17 years, 6 months ago) |
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Hahahaha, no. I don't have a ceiling fan and I actually just looked to make sure that I didn't....for sure.
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Colonel Kurtz Ph.D
What What?

Registered: 07/22/04
Posts: 11,113
Loc: Shadow Moses
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Wow. I', speechless, because even tho I've never had something like that happen I think I can somehow understand it... as I said, wow.
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There's no better way to rock out than with your cock out!!
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Iamthewalrus
every evening Idied and everynight I wasreborn


Registered: 03/24/04
Posts: 3,744
Loc: Ontario
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I didn't read most of the thread but I think u need to forgive her...your gonna find someone who loves u and treats u right and u will be glad that this girl broke it off with u
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Just to update you guys, if you care at all. 
I decided to say fuck it and I walked into that girl's (B) work, and went up to her and told her that I need to talk to her about something and that I think she needs to take a 3-4 cigarette break. She got the hint.
So we walk into the back lot and I tell her what's on my mind and she apologized for everything and it turns out that another girl (E) who was our mutual friend had lied to her, making shit up about me and how I felt about B. E told B that I was a clingy child and that I was talking shit behind her back. B couldn't handle it cuz she had gotten into a lot of trouble and said that she just needed a break from everything.
I told her that was cool, but she should have told me that instead of just stopping in talking to me. She seemed like she was sincere and I guess I have to beleive that she was.
I'm not sure if I got my closure that I needed or not, but it felt good to see her again and to break down that mental picture I had built up in my mind over these last few months. And I guess just to talk to her again and know that I'm not the one for her, but that doesn't meang that I'm not going to be there for her. I still care about her, but I'm going to care about her on another level, one without the bullshit that comes along with a relationship and sex. Goddamn, I never thought I'd say that..... 
Goddamn life is fucking out of control at all times. Right when you think you're where you need to be, life shows you that you're not.
I truly appreciate all the peoplet that replied, even though you didn't have to. It means a lot.
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
Edited by Penguarky Tunguin (07/02/06 01:59 PM)
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