Well, phase one complete. I must say it was a lot harder than I expected. I took the hit as soon as I lit the candles and incense at 11:00pm Wednesday night, June 28, 2006. I sat, and stared at the wall. I sat in 30-minute intervals with 10 minutes of kinhin between. The first round was all anticipation, waiting for the acid to kick in. I must say that it happened very quickly. Within 15 minutes, I could already feel the beginnings of it. The first round ended, and I got up to walk around the room. By now the visuals are very dominant as I can see patterns all over the walls.
My practice room is perfect for this because I have it painted all white, plus I have an alter with a Japanese sitting Buddha, 2 plain votive candle holders, and a bowl filled with sand for incense. I walked around the room, then sat back down.
By now I am really feeling the acid. I can’t believe how strong these hits are! I sit down and say to myself "half an hour was easy, let’s try an hour" so I aimed to sit for an hour my second round. It was really cool; I could see the entire progression of the acid coming on. By now, I am so incredibly high, that I forget what time I started a round at. (Observation: acid not good for formal practice) So I say to myself "Fuck it" and just sit. I am constantly coming back the sensations of the body, the breathing, the seeing, the hearing, the smell of the incense, and the chirp of a cricket outside my window. I get carried away by the sound of it, and with that, re-initiate my practice.
I am noticing that I am experiencing all of this from a point of non-locality. I am sensing my body, the walls, opening to my peripheral vision, releasing contractions of attention, yet I am not there. I am experiencing all this, yet I am not experiencing anything. All there was, was experience. And with that, I felt as though I got struck by lightning, because in a flash, everything turned to this golden-white light, and I sat there basking in its beauty. I couldn’t believe how beautiful this all was. I started crying even, which incidentally woke me up back to my immediate experience. I realized that even the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, was simply a manifestation of the clarity I was experiencing. I can’t believe how long it’s been, as it is now 2:30am. I realize that I really need to pee, so I get up, and begin a round of kinhin.
I get back from the bathroom, and finish off the kinhin, then make my way over to my seat, and sit down. I make an effort to remember the time I started the round, so I placed in imaginary clock with the starting time at the corner of my vision. After some time, that quickly turned into a bigger clock, which turned into an even bigger clock that started counting backwards as if to indicate some sort of cosmic blastoff. I watched in anticipation as the clock counted down to zero, 5…4…3…2…1…0… “Hmmm, nothing happened, maybe the clock is broken” I noticed that I said this, and started laughing my ass off so hard that I almost fell off the seat. But then I looked down, and realized that exactly an hour had gone by. I couldn’t believe that I remembered to such an extent, that without even thinking about it, my sub-conscious created a countdown. I got up, and did another round of kinhin.
I sat back down, and began another round. This time, I said “I am just going to sit for as long as possible” and well, that’s what I did. By now I am entering into the peak of all peaks. It is pure chaotic bliss. There is no order to anything; everything just is as it is. I notice that I haven’t really been practicing all that much so I make a vow to myself that I will sit here, and practice. I can tell my back is starting to hurt, but I really don’t care. It’s like the energy is just building up, waiting for release like some cosmic orgasm. I notice this and re-initiate my practice. As soon as I do that, that energy explodes out of the top of my head, and I am simply sitting there, looking at the wall. There are lots of thoughts, colors, sounds, forms, smells, etc, but they are simply there. Not as isolated parts of experience, but rather as a unified whole… No, not even that, as that is something. I am noticing that every time I experience a moment of clarity, I try to label it, reducing the experience to some mere mental construct. It is, as my teacher would say, “Tying a knot in space.” I see this as some sort of mental filing system.
Then I melt… I begin to practice so thoroughly, that I am just sitting there amongst the whole of experience. Sitting is sitting itself, the wall is seeing itself, the cricket is hearing itself, and my body is just feeling itself. I am doing nothing to facilitate mindfulness, as mindfulness is doing that in of itself. I could say it was bliss, but it goes far beyond the mere concept of “bliss.” As time goes on, I start noticing that all the hallucinations are starting to fade. “Am I coming down”… I look at the clock and it is 6:30 am. I am starting to feel incredibly tired, yet I am still aware of it as just a sensation along with the rest of the experience. I get up, go to the bathroom, and then begin another round of kinhin.
I sit back down, and get back in the groove of 30 minutes sittings, with 10 minutes of kinhin. 30 minutes goes by very quickly, I get up and walk around the room. I sit back down, and resume zazen. My knees hurt so badly, they feel like they are going to explode. My back hurts, I am hungry as hell, and incredibly tired. I know I couldn’t sleep even if I tried, so I just forgot about that and resumed sitting. I am now entering the part that I knew would be the biggest challenge. Sitting for all of Thursday, after the acid had worn off.
I sit, walk, sit, walk, sit, and walk… I am practicing with every ounce of my being as it is now noon, and the acid is pretty much gone. Things are getting incredibly difficult. My knees hurt so much, but I must keep sitting. I must wake up. I have reached such a state of clarity, that despite my incredible discomfort, it is easy not to get involved with the pain. It is there, but I am simply feeling into it.
I managed to sit the whole afternoon, though not without incredible difficulty. I almost got up during every round between 1 and 5pm, but I stuck with it and sat. At about 6:00pm, I started getting so damn tired that if I ceased practicing for but a moment, I would have fallen right to sleep. “No, this is just an indication of sinking mind, PRACTICE!” I sit, and some how like a needle poking through a tough leather sack, my practice penetrates and transcends all discomfort. It falls away, and I am just sitting there, breathing. Another round ends, and I get up to do another round of kinhin. This time it feels so different. I am just walking, feeling each step as if it were the only thing in the universe.
I sit back down, and continue pushing on. I have come such a long way; to give up now would be unfathomable. I can do it. I will make it through. Now 9:30, my knees still feel like they are going to explode, my hunger is worse than ever, and I am on the verge of sleep. I managed to keep myself going by chanting the 16 bosatsu-kai repeatedly until the end of the round. I get up and walk around the room again, and sit back down.
10:47… Almost there!!! I can feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment as I approach the end of this sitting. I look down at the clock ever 5 seconds it seems, but despite that….
IT IS OVER! I am done! I can’t believe I made it this far. I get up, blow out the candles, and go get some dinner.
Now, it is Friday morning, and I just finished a 30minute sitting (which went by quicker that I can believe), and I am sitting here typing this, feeling the keys under my fingers, seeing the screen, hearing the hum of the nearby refrigerator. I can’t honestly say what role acid actually played in all of this, as my deepest realization came when I was sitting through the most uncomfortable experience of my life, during the last 5 hours. I am going to contemplate this long and hard, but I really feel that acid is of no more use to me. I can honestly say that I am ready to part with it. Did I gain anything? No. Did I learn anything? No. I simply sat for 24 hours.
Peace
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