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Stonerguy
I smoke penis


Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 5,538
Loc: Lost
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haha
#5789243 - 06/25/06 11:56 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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This is from a freinds webiste. Its quite funny.
Anybody who owns a TV or reads a newspaper already knows about all the controversy surrounding Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ and with its release last night, the controversy has done nothing but heat up. Some Christian leaders have come out and said that the movie is far too violent while others have come out and said that the movie is nothing but a 2 hour long Anti-Semitic propaganda film. Yet I feel that the media is failing to focus on the real issue that has arisen due to The Passion of the Christ. And while they (well, excluding FOX) may be held be such restrictions as “integrity” and “truthfulness,” we here at Shyzer are not. So that is why I must shed some light on the one issue that affect’s me and countless others just like me the most.
Does anybody realize what kind of pressure this now puts on Jesus Impersonators like myself? I don’t think you fully understand the repercussions of this movie. But maybe you’d like a little info as to what in the hell - whoops, Hades I’m talking about. You see, I am a Jesus H. C. impersonator. It all started one day on the gold course with my good buddies Dave, Jeremy, Ronak, and Nhan. We were walking around�well, driving the golf carts around half drunkenly and freezing our asses off. That’s when I pulled out my sweatshirt in a futile attempt to regain feeling in any portion of my body above the waist. As I teed up and got lost in thoughts of how I could cheat, David mentioned something about me looking like Jesus. I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about until I realized that with my hood on, I must have looked like Jesus. You know, like this:

Granted I�m white and Jesus was brown, there still are striking similarities. For instance, I’m sure Jesus was an avid Seattle Mariners fan…just like me…and I’m sure he went months at a time without getting a proper trim on his beard - just like me! So you can see why I accepted my fate as a Jesus impersonator and began to run with it. I soon decided that I would try an experiment. Instead of cheating to change my score, I would demand that Jesus commanded Jeremy to give me a 3. And what’dya know, he gave me a 3! I was hooked. Like Homer and his dueling glove, I realized that this was my ticket to a life of laziness and easy money. I soon began renting myself out to birthday parties, Christmas parties (which doubled as a birthday party for me!), graduations, building dedications, bar mitzvahs, yard sales - in essence, whoever would pay me to show up and pretend to bless some people for a few minutes. I even accepted cake and beer in substitute of monetary payments. Life was good. Until yesterday…
Now all of a sudden, my Jesus impersonation isn’t good enough for some people. One mother had the audacity to ask me today if I had replica spike holes in my hands?! Can you believe her?! And THEN, I had some man ask me if I knew how to speak proper Aramaic. Look bud, I have enough trouble with English, as you might be able to tell from reading this site. But I’ll tell ya what. Throw in an extra $1000 bucks and I’ll speak whatever flippin language you want. Like you would be able to tell if I was making it up or not…

Quote:
No, I don’t have holes in my hands thank you very much. Quit questioning Jesus lady and get back to work raising an unhappy family. Don’t make me call Dad up and tell him not to let you in once you die.
When I went to little Jimmy’s Birthday party earlier today, I was hounded by little kids who had seen the movie last night with their families. They demanded to see some scars on my hands and frankly, my homemade concoction of ketchup, spaghetti sauce, and red crayon just wasn’t cutting it. After one of the kids licked my hands clean in the blink of an eye, I was speechless. I looked like a deer caught in the headlights and apparently this scared the little children. They all began screaming loudly for their mothers and I was afraid that I would lose my money, so I had to growl at the children to shut up or else I would show my true form, which would make any human who gazed upon me instantly burst to death. Fortunately this worked and I was able to escape without further damage. But hopefully you see what I am talking about when I say that Mr. Gibson has made life hard on me…
So thanks a lot Mr. Gibson for raising the bar so high that the rest of us can�t reach it. Us common folk don’t have access to all your Hollywood smokes and mirrors. We are just regular folk trying to make a few extra bucks off of Jesus’ suffering. Sorta like this guy and nobody seems to be making his life any harder, so why must you do so for us Mr. Gibson? And don’t think this is the first time you�ve ever done this to me. You single-handedly destroyed my William Wallace and Animated British Chicken careers, both of which I have yet to heal from. Nevertheless, here you are stripping me of yet another career without so much as a simple apology.
Well you know what? I’m gonna ruin your movie for everybody and there’s not a thing you can do to stop me. Jesus dies at the end.
-------------------- yawn... SG
Edited by Stonerguy (06/25/06 11:57 AM)
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Snaggletooth
Stranger in a Strange Land


Registered: 10/24/05
Posts: 6,109
Loc: blinks stupidly
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
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Quote:
Stonerguy said: Well you know what? I’m gonna ruin your movie for everybody and there’s not a thing you can do to stop me. Jesus dies at the end.
Well thanks dickhead, now the movie is ruined!!! 
heheh, well I am sorry that you look like jevbus, I hope things work out man 
That was an epic post man,
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Atheist Chat
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Stonerguy
I smoke penis


Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 5,538
Loc: Lost
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I'm no way clever enought to write like that. It is a freind who is awsome at writting.
-------------------- yawn... SG
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Snaggletooth
Stranger in a Strange Land


Registered: 10/24/05
Posts: 6,109
Loc: blinks stupidly
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
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Plagiarizer 
Naw, cool read though, oh yeah I gave you +5 for your Caligula guess yesterday
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Atheist Chat
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