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OfflineTriplexiosis
Lachrymologist
Male

Registered: 12/17/04
Posts: 199
Loc: Europe
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
Uncompromised Love (and a personal story)
    #5778323 - 06/21/06 09:50 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

This is a bit long, so bear with me for a while :wink: I just feel like sharing this at the moment. :sun:

Love is imo the most powerfull transmutation tool. Love can also be the most powerfull aphrodisiac of pleasure, yet it can bring the most severe pain as well (lack of love actually). To feel loved, and to love, imo this is why two people get together to form a strong bond. If these people trully love one another, their love for everyone around them has a tendency to becomes stronger and evolve to a new level.
Love heals, so if the two love each other, they will mend one another's scars and wounds that were left behind (if) by growing up, society, bad relationships, or any other life's hardships.. My personal belief is that love between two people is a way to their „awakanening“... enlightenment...
A way for two wounded beasts to find bliss, happiness, as well as sadness uncompromised by fear or hate... unconditional love for the world.

Understanding not demanding builds trust, out of this trust love forms. Also understanding softens the ego and opens the mind to new possibilities and realizations that not everything is all about „me“, „me“, „me“.
Trying to change the beloved into something we think is right isn't understanding, just imposing opinion of how what should be... demanding to please self... a hard ego afraid of letting go.
A spark between the two becomes a flame, this flame turns into a fire that is no longer bound by the two alone

In my short life time I've expirienced a huge lack of love, mostly from my own misinterpreting of some actions, some that were acts of love and I saw them as opposite, and some that seemed like acts of love, but proved to be otherwise. The more hurt and untrusting of others I was, the less I could discern beetween these acts.
So naturally the fear grew stronger as I grew up and turned into violence against self in forms of anxiety, paranoia, suicidal tendencies, and at times (rarely) even pure hate... and ego grew harder.
I lied, I cheated, I stealed, and was bringing myself down for these actions. It was a downward spiral and once I even attempted suicide.(i'm so glad now that I failed at this) Weed only made it „worse“ for it powered up my fears, while also opening my eyes to some new perspectives. Like the perspectives of people around me, and how they would feel if I was to kill myself. So this kept me alive, but still wishing and dreaming of dying. Not to mention weed became sort of a problem. I started liking it a bit too much over time, though I always somewhat controled myself. I loved the feeling of pain it brought I guess, it would boost my fears to the extreme, and I was paranoid about everything and everyone while high. I didn't like it, but I needed it, I craved for it, this was not an addiction to weed mind you, it was an addiction to the happy thoughts it brought in the begining and hopes those would come back, yet instead it would make me just more misreable.
Too many unresolved problems I couldn't forgive myself for, not enough trust into the people around me who proved themselves more than worthy, too much trust in sweet words... these things made my weed smoking a hell, (and a few mushroom trips, though there were some good ones as well)
But I felt I was slowly climbing up from my pit, I had a great teacher, one who literaly hypnotized me into trusting him blindly. And I did... and it paid off. He warned me right away he would break me down into pieces, yet I followed.
I would climb up a few inches, then stumble and fall on to the bottom again.
One time, I was at the bottom again, and I couldn't take it any more, I gave up... while also begging anything that might hear me, be it god, or only wind in the trees to help me.
A month later one person entered my life. It presented itself as kind, caring and sweet, yet with certain coldness. I was desperate I guess, so we hooked up and I „fell in love“, you know, the kind of „love“ where you get something new and you just LOVE it, you lust for it, you need it, and it makes you feel so good, a new high for me to abuse. Also a kind of love, where you don't see the person standing before you, instead you see only the ideal of this person you have in your head.
So I „fell in love“ and placed my complete trust in this person, I trusted my underdevoloped intuition in trusting this person.
But as the time passed, this one turned out to be as ego possesed as I was, and I became determined to heal him by understanding him. Slowly I started feeling love for him, as the image of him in my head made me capabale of accepting some parts of myself I couldn't accept before. In the same time my initial blindness and lust desolved till there was nothing left.
For the first time in years I could feel love (in the purest form of that word) again. And it slowly spreaded outwards, I also stopped smoking weed for a while (6+ months), and my mind was as clear as it could get, though overthinking and over-analyzing was still there, just not centered on myself any more.
I was trying with all of my heart to understand this person, and to bring him what I felt inside. However I faced a strong, cold and ugly wall with spikes every time I attempted to get closer.
Poison covered spikes of this wall were breaking me into crying all the time, as I healed my wounds caused by fear, new ones were opening, but this time I would not let them be clouded with fear. I cried like a baby every night, and it was helping, it cleansed me of all pain, ready to face some more and try and overcome it.
Eventually the poison became too strong, as this person was more and more backing away, constantly missinterpreting my every word (well I had a bad approach, should have not thrown away my wolf's clothing, for I broke every defense instanly thinking this would result in same with him.) I felt (knew) it was a time to leave, I could do nothing to break his defenses and it was hurting me a bit too much. Also I was hurting him for I tried to face him with his fears agressivelly, as well as me with mine.

I never held a grudge against him, neither do I now... and all of the grudges I held against other people were transmuted. They dissapeared, leaving my mind free of unnecessary thought.
Time passed and I left behind the desire to heal that person, also I concentrated on solving some left behind problems in my life, and eventually I met someone new, who I am with now.
I never was sure of love at first sight, but this was it, and this time I wasn't wrong, it is mutual. Though we both have a few scars that were left untouched, we're healing each-other, understanding each other, respecting each-other and most importantly loving each-other.
I guess I'm lucky, but I wouldn't have found my soul mate if I didn't look for him and trusted both my heart and mind in this searhcing.
I've learned to distinguish Love from that feeling you get when you meet someone new whom you like (that initial blindness) and am quite a calm and peacefull person now, still growing.
I've learned to let my inuition breathe and guide me on the way home, and I can't even begin to describe this feeling I have now. Kind of warm and benevolent, strong and pure.
I also smoked weed again, rarely though as I'm no longer drawn to it, and it feels much different now, no negativity what-so-ever. I feel like when sober, clear-headed completely, just with somewhat heightened awareness and fully emotional.
And whatever hardships we might have to endure, I know we will endure them with ease.

Love is not judgmental, it does not demand. Love is not vengefull, it does not fear.
Love is not a chemical reaction, that is called attraction. Love is a quality you must find within to expirence it. For if you do not love yourself, how can you ever love another? How can you ever know what it feels to be loved, if you don't know what it means?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
~ by 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ~


Much love to the shroomery, you guys have opened my eyes in more ways than one unknowingly (used to lurk a lot).

...
And much love to you Lingva, my soul mate... pot of gold which does not blind me with it's glow.

Peace :heart:


--------------------


"If there were no desire to heal, the damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've choosen here, I certainly would have walked away by now" Tool - Patient

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: Uncompromised Love (and a personal story) [Re: Triplexiosis]
    #5779201 - 06/22/06 01:53 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

that's a good story man.

The only relatoinship I had was very dysfunctional.... I thought I loved her, and maybe I did..... after we broke up I found myself just looking at her and seeing how absolutely beautiful she was in every way, mesmerized, sobered and sombered by it...

and it was the kind of thing where she was just a normal looking girl, maybe some would even call unattractive, but in time as I knew her her beauty grew so much......

but she was a radical and fundamental Christian, and for whatever reason insisited that we could not ever do anything physical. So I yearned so badly for touch... for cuddling. I was not trying to get in her pants. I was not trying to use her. All I wanted was to hold her, and to be held, for our "attraction" or "love" to resonate in a tangible way...... but she systemtically denied me of this, yet at times she would tempt me with it or send mixed signals making thing it was okay.

So basically though she was my girlfriend, she was NOT my girlfriend. I was suicidal at the time before even going "out" with her, though we never "went out" because she was not my "girlfriend" per se.....

One of the key moments was when I would lie in bed watching Titus and some shows on FOX and I would think to myself "It would be so wonderful to have a girl lying on my stomach right now while I watch this show.... it would be so peaceful and it would make me so happy."

So I got depressed. 15/16 years old and never had a girlfriend (and LOL now i'm going on 21 and never had one!!! oh but I laugh about it... I'm healing) ....... and I started praying. I said God, please give me a girlfriend... I won't even have sex with her if that's what you want....

and I prayed and prayed and prayed...... perhaps begged like a hooker all night long. Though I'm not sure that lyric is relevant.... I don't quite understand that song....

and so you know. I ran into her right..... and I was so suicidal because I couldn't ask her out...... I would tell myself "If I don't ask her out by tomorrow I will kill myself" and well..... Lateralus came out at right that time...... I had not purchased it yet...

so anyway I never really asked her out perse, I just eventually got her phone number off of a fundraiser sheet she turned in in band (we both played clarinet...... and I just want to interject I forgive her now and am starting to remember her good qualities)..... and well I was listening to some of my mopey music... POD's Youth of the Nation... and the part where it got to him singing about a kid killing himself I couldn't take it.

I was hurting so bad (and I had listened to Lateralus too prior to that) that I called her up ..... it was so hard...... I asked for her and spoke to her... and we talked..... and you know how if you imagine a conversation in your head, it comes into reality? Well like I imagined I would joke that I had been thinking of killing myself... kind of like how you know if she would say something like "well don't kill yourself!" and that happened exactly as imagined....

so I mean we talked a bit and stuff and it was fun...... I didn't ask her out or tell her I liked her...... I remember I was telling her about the HTML stuff I was learning at Tech.....  and I asked her what kind of music she liked so I could download it (or maybe this was a later call) and she said something like "I don't know..... grandmaster funk?" and I have no idea who that is.... I might be remembering it wrong... I was like "Uhhh"

anyway.... I can remember almost everything that's ever happened to me, but not in any kind of sensible order...... it just keeps coming back more and more.

So.....

I'm real suicidal... angsty and depressed... and I have happiness vested in the notion of a girlfriend, rather than vesting it in myself.... because hey I'm a suicidal imbecile back then right? I was a foolish, media conditioned, morbid, semi-gothy, violent culture obsessed, cold cynical, male... you know... how all the other males are because we live in a depraved society where coolness = an obsession with death, while innocent at first leading to the corruption of many minds including my friend who eventually became a hired thug, supposedly and then went to Iraq...... I pray for him to see the light.... I love him... I don't much like anything about him right now though.... aside from his loyalty to me and my circle of friends, because of our ties.....

So............. I just you know. Spend day in and out obsessing over her. Very challenging and difficult for me... never expressing how I felt. I painted  my nails black for valentine's day, and I'm not sure on the details but I think this is when I first told her..... because we had a band competition we were going to..... and she was pestering me about why I was so depresed...... I recall having the Lateralus album by then, because I held my black fingernails up to it under her advice... and she was like "what are you doing" because apparently I did it all limp wristed and looked funny.....

So you know she wanted to know what I wanted to be happy... and I couldn't tell her... couldn't express myself.... too wounded.... broken from being habitually verbally abused in middleschool, even about a genetic defect I have that I couldn't do anything about.... no surer way to kill self-esteem than that....... plus they thought I was gay and so that was really hard, because to be called gay whether you are or not in middle school is not good at all.... so many little bigots... and I was one too..... for a long time but I learned....

and you know I had to tell her the opposite of what I wanted.... so I said "hate".

She figured it out eventually. She said maybe it could work between us.

So for a year or so we hung out.... and I was constantly pining over her...... and at times it seemed like we were on the verge of being boyfriend/girlfriend... I don't know if at first she wanted it, and I was oblivious to her hints, or what... because our first "date" like she came over to my house after I went to a counseling session...... and we had pizza and watched a movie that we got bored with, and played this Tony Hawk game.

our house was arranged funny because of redecoration and we were on the couch playing with my dogs.... and there was this one moment where it seemed like she was going to lie down on me (remember this is my fantasy, this is my GOD this is what I was constantly desiring and craving and wanting more than anything in the world to the point of destroying myself because of it) but right then my dog immediately jumped up on the couch between us :frown:

then when she left she kind of like... looked at me like she wanted to kiss me or she wnated me to kiss her, but I was afraid and didn't know what was going on... oblivious largely.

Then on spring break we went to six flags..... and she let me rest my feet on her in the car and it was so nice...... and made me quite happy..........

summer came. We went to see Tool. Amazing stuff....... I was on the verge of crying for their first 3 songs, because they kicked into everything so powerfully. The first concert either of us had ever been to and we got into reserved seating because she just randomly asked the people below us why they got to sit there, and they said "come on down" .... so it was pretty immersive without people and lights around us... kind of a little barrier.

Ummm..... so but you know. This all ended horribly because we were both abusing each other... me with idle threats of suicide and vain attempts at cutting my wrists.... but the pain unberable.... and her with witholding "love" from me.

My grandparents took us to Ohio to go to Cedar Point and she "broke up" with me onthe trip, ruining the rest of it..... leaving me crying and bawling in public sitting down in the park...... fucked up stuff....... I was so broken....

so the rest of the trip was just really cold..... so much money my grandparents spent.... that they would have given to me if I didn't want to go on the trip...... and I shouldn't have.... and I was greedy back then so I was fuming like  pissed off thinking "I could have bought an amp with that money".

And so I spent like..... well..... I started to heal..... I forcefully quit my anti-depressants which had been dosed up to high levels..... and so I was almost passing out every day at school, having OBEs at night with flashing rainbow people and terrible nightmares (the rainbow people were awesome though) ...... feeling so cold and shivery..... crying almost every day at school not caring if people saw me for about 2 or so weeks....

just broken so much.

Then I got online.... at some point.... read message boards..... challenged just about everything I believed in.... and started getting interested in spirituality.

All this about 4 or 5 years ago. The progression has been gradual but... I forgive her... and I feel some love for her now.

But ....... if people wonder..... "leery why are you so introverted" of course they wouldn't say leery, they would say my name... well this is why.... trust has been abandoned.

I had a perfect childhood, amazing bestfriends..... so peaceful and loving soul connections (as best as children's souls can connect) and I was a loving outgoing caring spirit of a child, always expressing my mind and talking to people.

But I was damaged and turned inward after middle school + this experience..... my ability to trust but more importantly jsut FEEL LIKE TRYING was obliterated...

so this is why.... but

you know what.

People are so loving on my campus. Sure there are cowboys and gangstas and lots of Christians but I am amazed at just how many people seem to be tuning into the love frequencies, and how easy it is to disarm neutrality with a simple pleasnat tone in your voice. I'm running into nothing but good people (save my drug friend who I jsut now realized he's a great person too... I was judging him too much for cigarette and alcohol addiction, and his obsession with really dark music... but he was a great guy to me all the same and I kind of turned away from him..... )

I've been shown quite a bit of love here and at times have been too blind to realize it.... but it's good.

This is my long story about such things.

oh also I was put into a mental hospital during the suicidality phase because of a letter my parents found. And um like one time when we were on a band trip, me being the stupid male carrying a knife with me to school regularly... jsut because.... to rebel I guess..... she let us cuddle... but these upperclassmen who really gave me a lot of shit all the time were kind of poking fun at us... and i didn't care... but it bothered her..... so she stopped.

this destroyed me. I wanted to just go stab one of them so badly.... it was all I could think of.

and on a trip to Kansas City she kind of rejected the cuddling notion again and I spent about 3-4 hours crying.... head against the bus seat listening to Bush's "Homebody" and a few other Bush songs over and over again.

and not one person came to talk to me! I occasionaly heard them say "what's wrong with him" etc.....

reminds me of this girl being on ecstacy on one of our busrides and our teacher kind of flipping out going "there's no way she's on drugs..... no one needs to talk about this" (i don't think he knew she was... and I didn't know I just found out later) she was just kind of spacing out doing absolutely nothing for the entire ride.....

i just assume she was on it after sitting at a druggy table in art class and finding out she did ecstacy.... yeah...

done rambling.  :thumbup:


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (06/22/06 01:56 AM)

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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
Re: Uncompromised Love (and a personal story) [Re: Triplexiosis]
    #5780093 - 06/22/06 10:46 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

:congrats:

nice one, though a bit long and disorganized. 

I was going to go into mine, but that would take far too long and probably piss a lot of people off. 

anyway, good luck to you and your search for higher understanding!

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OfflineMushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
Female User Gallery

Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 14,794
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 3 years, 15 days
Re: Uncompromised Love (and a personal story) [Re: Triplexiosis]
    #5780116 - 06/22/06 10:55 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Every word that you've said passed right through my heart. Actually I'm going through a very similar situation as you. And had my share of paranoid moments and lack of love (which is the same as a fake one, a relationship where there's no exchange of spirituality between partners), close to death experiences, all of them had a good reason though, so I can lose all of my strength in order to get it back for good. Life had proved to me more then once that only when you truly want something from all your heart, without any fear or bad thought you'll get to have it. It's very much like letting go of everything that you have fake in order to find your way. And then keeping the strength in order to be able to follow your way wherever it may take you and fight with every single obstacle you find on your way there. Where I found that the only way to win id accept your fears and take them as they are.
This has happened to me recently. Finding my way, everything I've ever prayed and wished for since I can remember myself, all of them I came to meet them. But for it I'll have to change everything, every aspect I knew until now will have to dramatically change. So all of it had eventually posed to me as a question: am I able to turn my back at all I had until now and start fresh? Then I realized it wasn't a matter on turning my back on something I had, but more like finally turning my face to what my life HAS to be. Without any regret or shadow of doubt. And if I face them, which I am right now, all I have to do is remember what I already know. That I'm getting closer each day to where my life it's supposed to be, kind of like saying good bye in my own rhythm so everything is cleared and in light. And by saying good bye I'm talking about everything to crying from laughing, to fear from faith.
And every aspect of it is getting me closer to all the new and amazing things that are about to follow. So this fight I'm taking right now is the last of this kind, so I can be prepared for the next level, the last and ultimate drop of healing for what I had until now. And everybody has to recognize and embrace his or her's healing, only by that and evolution can take place.
It's funny how life offers you all of your deepest prayers just when it has to happen, not when you want them. And it also gives you the obstacles which are more like a rebounding to our base and souls. A statement that we have to make in order to get where we need, wherever that place is.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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