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geokills
∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙


Registered: 05/08/01
Posts: 23,417
Loc: city of angels
Last seen: 8 hours, 54 minutes
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TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. 1
#5750716 - 06/14/06 07:16 PM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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We're about to enter the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico or the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
- (1) There is no need to panic... or
- (2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
- STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
- STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
- STEP 3. Drive to New Mexico and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
- (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
- (2) It is located in New Mexico.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
- Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
- Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
Get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
- Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
- "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in New Mexico.
"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what The bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet, should come check it out. You might even get to be on TV!
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-------------------- ┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼ ...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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Prisoner#1
Even Dumber ThanAdvertized!


Registered: 01/22/03
Posts: 193,665
Loc: Pvt. Pubfag NutSuck
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5750769 - 06/14/06 07:25 PM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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hahaha... can I just slap the wheels back on mine and drag it to new mexico?
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Hawkeye3
Stranger
Registered: 09/04/05
Posts: 368
Last seen: 16 years, 11 days
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5750864 - 06/14/06 07:45 PM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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This post was fucking hilarious!!!!
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ToTheSummit
peregrinus



Registered: 08/22/99
Posts: 9,126
Loc: Las Vegas
Last seen: 10 hours, 8 minutes
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5750954 - 06/14/06 08:05 PM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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 Why'dja think I moved to San Diego? Its the only other place in the US that has as nice a climate as Florida but without the hurricanes.
But the irate gators do sound like a lot of fun. Maybe I can just strap a porkchop around my neck and jump into the gator inclosure at the San Diego Zoo during the next thunderstorm. Then I'd have it all!
-------------------- You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5751666 - 06/14/06 10:40 PM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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That was funny. Between living in the islands and Florida, I have the drill down in my sleep. I'll add to your list.
The bleach is for if/when water leaks in somehow and mold starts to grow because the power is out and there is no AC to keep the inside dehumidified and dry.
Speaking of, keep towels and mops handy if you ride it out at home. I know now it is difficult to imagine water shooting in from under your glass sliders. Try imagine them bowing in a good 3 inches while your at it.
Imagine your tele exploding from the pressure and vases flying around the room. That happened to some friends and they had to grab pots and put them over their heads and dive under the table and into the fridge until they could makee a run for it. 
Here's a big one newbies to these things regret not doing before hand if they get hit hard. Do all of you're laundry and put it in dry bags. If the power goes out you won't be able to use the washer and dryer and if your house leaks, your clothes may all end up soppy wet and trashed.
Load up on bug spray if your screens are not perfect as you will need them for ventilation. With all the water left around afterwards and no AC, fans or lights, cockroaches and Mosquitoes will be ridiculous.
If you are sure to get slammed, cook up everything in your freezer and have a party the day before. All the food will spoil once the power goes out.
Have some big coolers handy and as much ice freezing up in the now empty freezer as possible. After the power goes out, you can move stuff in the fridge into your coolers and freezer and have some cold stuff for a few days.
No power and no ice means, warm beverages when its 96 degrees out with no AC or fans-yuck. Forget about a retreat to the pool, if you get slammed, it will be to disgusting to swim in.
If you can afford it, just get a generator and remember to get gas for it and your car EARLY. The lines get long in Florida and the stations run out fast.
Remember not to run a generator in the garage-you'll poison everyone in the house. No matter how often it is said, people do it every year.
Get a decent supply of cash out of the bank early. ATMs won't work if the power in the area goes out nor will anyones credit card machines, if anyone is even open for business.
If you're close to the shore and one is headed right for you, just leave if you can. It's not worth it. Even if you survive it, you don't want those kind of memories sticking with you. It's an experience you can live without. Many people who experience devastating hurricanes deal with some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I'm not talking about the ones that give the palm trees a bad hair day. There are people who experienced a Cat 1 and think they know the worst of it.
Think of a Cat 3-4-5 to be like an F-1-2 tornado 50 miles wide that rakes over and pounds your home and area for hours and hours and hours. It's fucking terrifying. It's nothing like you have seen on the news or home videos. They only capture the wimpy stuff happening when its still safe to be capturing it.
When the shit really goes down, (sideways, and up too ) they're taking deep cover praying for their lives.
More people die then what gets reported. In St. Thomas, the official media report for one was 10 dead. Pfffffft Lies. There were over a hundred bodies piled up in the hospital morgue alone at one point.
If you are in the path and you can leave, just leave. Sometimes the Cat 1s and 2s don't look so bad but they can easily turn into 3,4,5s just an hour before they make landfall and then it's too late to leave. If you have to stay, be prepared, be smart and safe.
It's no joke. I know people now dead from taking them lightly, people who spent hours with the walls and roof gone, in their bathtub with a Mattress pulled over them, people who were sucked out of two story building windows, people who had to be chain sawed out of what was left of their home- a closet under a stair way, thats all that was left standing and luckily they were in it.
When these things are headed your way, think tornado up to 50 miles wide that sits on you for hours, not tropical storm, to be best prepared for the worst if it happens. 
Oh and if you are new to this, don't think the bad stuff is the whole image you see on the screen. Its not. Its just the area that get hits by the eye wall that gets the tornado like damage. Unfortunately its to hard to predict ahead of time exactly where the eye wall itself is going to go.
Ahhhh the sunshine state. Rum Runner anyone? 
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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Snaggletooth
Stranger in a Strange Land


Registered: 10/24/05
Posts: 6,109
Loc: blinks stupidly
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: Prisoner#1]
#5751690 - 06/14/06 10:44 PM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Prisoner#1 said: hahaha... can I just slap the wheels back on mine and drag it to new mexico?
Yeah It would just be easier if they moved,
--------------------
Atheist Chat
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Gumby
Fishnologist


Registered: 06/13/01
Posts: 26,656
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5751771 - 06/14/06 11:02 PM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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Holy Jesus, did you come up with that by yourself Geo, or was that from somewhere else? If you did it by yourself, you should definitely send that to The Onion and get published. Best thing I've read in a LONG time. You rule.
gettinjiggywithit: great advice from someone who knows from experience. Living in Flordia just doesn't seem worth the risk for me. If I was going to live in a "tropical paradise" I'd move to Trinidad. They speak English there, have great water sanitation, and NEVER get get hit full force by hurricanes; getting hit partially is a 1 in 50 chance. Plus they have rainforests and reefs, what more could you ask for?
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geokills
∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙


Registered: 05/08/01
Posts: 23,417
Loc: city of angels
Last seen: 8 hours, 54 minutes
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: Gumby]
#5751975 - 06/15/06 12:03 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hehe, I wish I could claim ownership over this fine piece of hilarity.. alas it was sent to me from the father of one of my closest friends who just loves to spam my mailbox with lots of "humour".. most of which isn't very humourous at all. Fortunately there is redemption every now and again, and rather than pollute the forum with all crap (of which about 90% of it is), I figured I'd share some of the good stuff that gave me a good laugh 
gettinjiggywithit - while your write up was not nearly as funny, it is indeed considerably more informative. Thanks for fleshin' out the topic 
So now, anyone have any hurricane pic's to share? 
Here's that bad hair day you were talkin' about 


I'd venture to recollect that the highest gusts we experienced that day were around 80mph.
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-------------------- ┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼ ...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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Gumby
Fishnologist


Registered: 06/13/01
Posts: 26,656
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5752004 - 06/15/06 12:16 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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I actually have some hurricane pictures. The college I went to got hit semi-hardcore by Hurricane Charley(I think).
Here's pics:
I believe the storm was still hurricane force, or close to it when it hit. At least sustained winds of 60+mph (74+mph= hurricane). My campus was littered with 200+ year old trees and about 1/3 of them came down during that storm. The quad was a mess of massive branches/leaves that came off the trees. All the storm drains were cloged with leaves and the quad was a big puddle. I remember going out to smoke while the storm was hitting and being bearly able to open the door because of the pressure of the wind. Getting back inside was a task on it's own. I'm still surprised no trees fell on cars in the parking lot, they only fell on powerlines.
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5752092 - 06/15/06 12:53 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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Exactly. Those are bad hair day pictures. I took a bunch after the bad one I was in, yet, they don't tell much without a before picture. A picture of an empty field tells you nothing without the before picture that was full of trailer offices, trucks and boats on trailers stored there. Who knows where they ended up. 
If any of you are going to stay around for one and document it with photos, get before pictures of as much as you can in your area, to have the comparitive effect to get a real sense of the damage with.
One thing that was freaky was how the island was just covered in lush greenery year round. After it passed, most of the leaves were stripped off of what trees and bushes were left standing. It looked like winter down there in the carribean.
I'm glad to add prep info and that reply wasn't really meant to be funny. If I can spare any shromerite any unnecessary loss and grief related to those things, I'm happy to do it.
This early in the year, we already had Tropical Storm Alberto run through and there are two tropical depressions out in the Atlantic now.
Trinidad you say Gumbi? I heard the island was sinking as a result of all the oil drilling going on underneath it. Have you looked into the Grenadines? 
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5752265 - 06/15/06 02:39 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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Okay , I dug out the Huricane photo album from St. Thomas U.S.V.I.'95

This one is at Saphire Beach Resort, (for anyone who may know of it) It's what was left of the Dive Shop and Beach Bar, (I use to work there, at the time)

This is what I meant by the tropical lush green being stripped away and everything was brown like winter-ugly, sad.
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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goobler
Reanimated



Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 48,909
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: geokills]
#5752374 - 06/15/06 04:54 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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I'm ready
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xDuckYouSuckerx
xBannedx


Registered: 05/25/06
Posts: 1,410
Last seen: 17 years, 5 months
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: gettinjiggywithit]
#5752378 - 06/15/06 04:56 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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I hate how these prepardness lists never have what is most obvious to me, a firearm! It doesn't matter if you've got an above ground shelter with 15 years worth of food, gold, water and toilet paper, if you don't have a gun, the guy who spent 200$ on the gun will have all of your stuff. Buy a pistol, buy a carbine, learn to use them.
I also keep a "72-hr bag", aka "bug out bag" near me at most times. I'm not gonna bore ya with the content of mine, but it's pretty damn stocked up. I'd also grab my SIG pistol and a carbine, probably a AR and a CAR/FAL/STG/M1A and a good amount of ammo for all.
Seriously people, buy a pistol, buy a good semi-automatic carbine. If anyone needs any help learning about firearms, or has any basic quesitons about firearms/"survivalism", feel free to PM me
-------------------- Unions are the bastions of the mediocre. - luvdemshrooms
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goobler
Reanimated



Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 48,909
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: xDuckYouSuckerx]
#5752488 - 06/15/06 06:36 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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always buy a box of ammo every paycheck
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truekimbo2
Cya later, friends.



Registered: 12/08/02
Posts: 9,234
Loc: ny
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Re: TO: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridians, or those who know a Floridian. [Re: goobler]
#8426679 - 05/20/08 11:52 PM (15 years, 8 months ago) |
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i'd bet anything the OP's post was written by dave barry.
-------------------- You can check the last post in my journal for contact info.
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