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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
falling off of the edge
    #5703544 - 06/02/06 10:34 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

This has been a tuogh few months for me lately. well mostly the last few weeks.
MY grandmother has been diagnosed with t-cell lymphoma, its not going well she is in and out of the hospital very often for kemo and then for low blood count and sickness....

the other day i was over at my mothers house doing laundry when i answered the phone, it turns out a friend of my moms was wondering how my grandmother was doing, as my mom raced off to the hospital tuesday night... (last night being thursday). so i found out that my grandmother was back in the hospital from some complete stranger.

when i asked my mom about it she lied and said that she called and left me a voice mail, which she didnt. i know that this has to be hard for her, and can understand.

me on the other hand cant seem to deal with looking death in the face, or any family member that is going to die for that matter. i konw that my grandmother has little time left, but as of yet i havent been able to bring myself to go see her. i just cant, it would be too much. right now i can talk about this completely emotionlessly.

I suppose that im just afraid to feel the way i will when i look my grandmother in the eyes and see the inevitable.

on top of this i have basically made some big decisions in my life, mainly the sutting out of certain parts and people in my life that really were doing me no good. people that i used to see every day, and i have to say its a bit lonely these days.

on top of that i have quit drinking, somthing i used as a bit of a crutch, and smoking (herb) as much.

this is all just so much at once i really dont know if i can handle it.

I know that there is only a few weeks untill i get to go off to bonnaroo and the NE, and im just hoping to make it untill then.


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: falling off of the edge [Re: ZippoZ]
    #5703620 - 06/02/06 10:53 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

:hug:  <-----  Big non-gay hug


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OfflineGillette
Jaded
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Registered: 01/10/99
Posts: 4,058
Last seen: 6 months, 27 days
Re: falling off of the edge [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5703836 - 06/02/06 11:59 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Go see your grandma.

You have to, face that fear, or you'll regret not seeing her.

The last few moments, are some of my most cherished moments.


--------------------
~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.


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OfflineKaptKid
Spaced Pirate
Male User Gallery

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 6,252
Loc: Bright Side of the Sun
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
Re: falling off of the edge [Re: ZippoZ]
    #5703864 - 06/02/06 12:08 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I'm setting on edge to. Fighting to stay on top of things but just don't seem to have much fight in me.

Tomorrow is going to be another day.


:sun:


--------------------
Child of the 60's, Tripping ever since.


:sun:


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InvisibleZippoZM
Knomadic
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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: falling off of the edge [Re: KaptKid]
    #5703929 - 06/02/06 12:25 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

i know that i need to see her. i know about how bad i would feel because i allready do feel that way about the death of my aunt last year. despite seeing her often, i felt it wasnt often enough.

im sure that no matter what i do, ill feel the same way about my grandmother.

i can agree that some of the last moments are the most cherished ones. i remember the last day i spent with my aunt very well, which is somewhat astounding considering how bad my memory is, and i do cherish it.

sigh, the nature of life, the nature of death in a finite existince


--------------------
PEACE

:mushroom2:zippoz:mushroom2:



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."


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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order


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