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JacquesCousteau
Being.


Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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Twenty-Two Years On Earth...
#5703021 - 06/02/06 06:37 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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June rolls around again, to find me more wrapped up in habit than I ever intended. It's funny how certain times of the year (birthday, christmas, new years) can force us to recollect ourselves, despite any haze or distraction we might create. Or maybe it's just a moment of clarity from this early morning wake and bake.
I am addicted... to time... to filling that time with thought. Substance use and abuse slows my experience and (temporarily) allows me to fit more thought into a smaller space in time. Deep in attachment to my own mind, I try to stretch the hours in a day out by cramming as much as I can into a small space, but it snaps back in my face when the days in a year seem to fly by in a haze.
I am aware, on some level, that this is not how I want to experience my time here. I know that I want to have vivid experience, and vivid recollection of those experiences. I also know that this is not possible while maintaining a strong addiction. By placating myself and "settling for" a half-decent now, I keep sacrificing the fast-fading vividness of a better tomorrow.
By maintaining addiction, I've enslaved my desires to a specific action and feeling. When my desires are enslaved to one thing, I lose my ability to fully appreciate and even fully experience EVERYTHING else. What I seek is freedom of desire... freedom to desire 'all that is' equally.
This is that feeling you get, just once in a while, when you step outside on a beautiful day and everything seems so perfect and calm... your vision feels wide and unobscured... you take in the entire landscape equally, with relaxed eyes. For that moment, the binds of attachments are cut by the great power found in beauty.
I could go on, but I don't think it's necessary. Writing this has helped to clear my head some... it's easy to forget these things... sometimes they need help to resurface.
I am definitely ready for a vacation...
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Yoschie99
nomad


Registered: 11/24/99
Posts: 3,149
Loc: center of earth
Last seen: 2 months, 17 days
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take advantage of your 'moments of clarity... '
writing things down like this gives you something to come back to when the haze is there.. it provides stimulation and motivation.. it reminds you that you were meant for more than killing time.
good luck fighting your way out and finding out what really keeps you happy.. i'm sure that filling time w/ experiences based in addicion is not it... 
look forward to seeing you in o hi o, right?

yos-
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cybrbeast
Up, then down, then...



Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 4,777
Loc: event horizon
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Nicely written. I also have a problem with time, I'm a huge procrastinator and I just can't get anything done. It's like the days are just too short. I need to wake up earlier that usually helps. But then iwhen I should go to bed I stay up just a little bit later and then.. it's 4AM again.
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futuretribe.space
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Dfekt
Your mother wouldn't approve...


Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 586
Loc: UK
Last seen: 7 months, 9 days
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Re: Twenty-Two Years On Earth... [Re: cybrbeast]
#5703211 - 06/02/06 08:12 AM (17 years, 7 months ago) |
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(Happy Birthday!)
-------------------- "Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." ~Oscar Wilde
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OneMoreRobot3021


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 61,024
Loc: the sky
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Happy 22nd birthday good sir.
-------------------- Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake. -Erik Davis
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Dreamer987
The VerbalHerman Munster


Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 5,326
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
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Happy Birthday dog
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