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OfflineDoctorJ
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Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
disarm
    #5686278 - 05/29/06 12:32 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

"Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what i choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you"


I was listening to this song in my mind when I woke up this morning. I think it carried over from a dream I had last night. It really speaks to me about my struggle.

For 5 years, I have been alone. You know who comforts me when I have a bad day? No one, that's who. I've had to learn how to rely upon myself, because no one has ever been there for me unconditionally. People often laugh at me and say that I am weak. But they don't have the balls to live the way I do. I keep it real and that scares most people away. You think you could live alone for 5 years? I guarantee most people would blow their brains out after the first year.

For five years, I have fought the good fight, often with no other allies than my mind and my cat. Sometimes friends are there, but mostly they are only there for themselves. I have always chosen a path of peace and love in the face of aggression and hate. I bow out of competitions, choosing instead to cooperate and help others. I decided long ago that there was enough pain and conflict in the world and that I wasn't going to put any more in there.

I have often lived the solitary life of a monk, and I must say that enlightenment is a bittersweet gift. I can appreciate things that most are too coarse to appreciate, like a good sunset, or a passing bird. But I have no one to share these things with. Often it feels like me against the world. The world jabs at me with their spears of hate, and all I do is smile. Because I know that when I leave this place, I will go somewhere much better. But sometimes I wish I had some real companionship, and I'm not talking about fair-weather friends and prostitutes (which I have found most women to be, at least in my area).

And now I know you are all thinking: "Dude, just go out and get laid, no big deal." Well I can and have done that before, and it wasn't much help. Because the next morning, the girl is gone and its just me again. Just me and my struggle for freedom and love, just me and my sore back and lonely heart. Just me and my cavernous mind. I try not to be bitter, but that is a very difficult struggle when everyone around me takes and takes and all I do is give.

"Stand up for yourself," you say. Well I do, in a lot of ways. The firmness of my stance is what scares most away. The flexibility of my stance in other ways is what encourages people to walk all over me. But after its all said and done, I'm just doing what I think is right, standing up for what I believe at great personal cost. Its a hard struggle, and one I don't expect to win in this lifetime. If I could just put a dent in that wall, it would be worth it. But what would help enormously is if I had a partner. Someone I could trust, someone who could be an ally, if only by rubbing my back and giving me the peace of mind that comes with her being there for me.

sorry for another whiny ramble about loneliness, but I had to get this off my chest. I know that my homeboys in Tibet feel me. I love you guys and I want you to know I'm workin hard for you here in America. When will they ever learn? In the western world, it often seems that a man of peace is rewarded at best with an empty plate, and at worst with a crucifixion. Oh well, I suppose its the life I chose. See you in samahdi.


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Offlinewrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
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Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,676
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 1 hour, 7 minutes
Re: disarm [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5686350 - 05/29/06 12:52 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

life can be a bummer sometimes huh? though i dont know exctly how you feel, i can relate. we all are a bit lonely from time to time, some more often than others. sorry i havent much else to say. try to keep your chin up bro.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: disarm [Re: wrestler_az]
    #5686531 - 05/29/06 01:38 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I appreciate your acknowledgement.

once, I asked my father what the worldy reward for a man of truth, freedom, love, and peace was, and he said: "Well son, at best you'll starve and at worst you'll be killed."

And I said: "Then so be it."

and though I have not always lived up to my beliefs, I have always striven to, lately more than ever it seems. What really gets me is when people say I have no balls. It seems they have confused me with a mirror again.


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Invisibledemiu5
humans, lol
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Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium Flag
Re: disarm [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5686558 - 05/29/06 01:45 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

if you have a cat, you don't live alone.

I've been living alone for almost a year, but I rarely saw my mom the last year of highschool so you might as well call it two. Sometimes it bothers me, but I'm usually alright.

You're dad was fairly right, but it also depends on the surroundings and if you choose to continue living the way you're living.


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David


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OfflineSyle
Kenai Sigh
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Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 6,678
Loc: WA
Last seen: 10 months, 26 days
Re: disarm [Re: demiu5]
    #5687066 - 05/29/06 03:50 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

good song *thumbs up*


--------------------
https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: disarm [Re: Syle]
    #5687089 - 05/29/06 03:56 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

How bout this song? :evil:

"This world rejects me
This world threw me away
This world never gave me a chance
This worlds gonna have to pay
I dont believe in your institutions
I did what you wanted me to
Like cancer in the system
Ive got a little suprise for you

Something inside of me has opened up its eyes
Why did you put it there did you not realize
This thing inside of me it screams the loudest sound
Sometimes I think I could

Burn

I look down there where youre standing
Flock of sheep out on display
With all your lies puffed up around you
I can take it all away

Something inside of me has opened up its eyes
Why did you put it there did you not realize
This thing inside of me it screams the loudest sound
Sometimes I think I could

Im gonna burn this whole world down

I never was a part of you burn

I am the agent I never was a part of you burn
I am corruption I never was a part of you burn
I am the angel I never was a part of you burn
Of your destruction I never was a part of you burn

I am subversion I never was a part of you burn
Secret desire I never was a part of you burn
I am your future I never was a part of you burn
Swallow down all that fire"

Nine Inch Nails, 'Burn'


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: disarm [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5687305 - 05/29/06 04:47 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

J if you are enlightened I do not see why this is an issue?

How far out have you been? Can you not leave this body right now?

I feel you of course, not on such a level. I suppose it depends entirely on what is meant by "alone" though....

You have claimed telepathy, cannot you scan around and find someone who feels exactly the same as you? Cannot you find a person, look into them until you step into them, and then guide them into your life in such a way as to have a harmonius relationship?

Or.... join a sangha? Join a temple? I suppose beings desire other beings no matter what... but have you reached nirvana? If so I'm not sure how there are any obstacles left for you at all. Any suffering left for you at all.

The things you say confuse me friend :smile: I can extend my understandings though... I would like someone to go the journey with me, because I often times don't have motivation to keep going it alone, and fall back into societies traps. I want someone like me who is thinking "if I find someone else we will break free together, but I don't know about breaking free alone."

unrealistic? I don't know....... wanting a Ferarri is unrealistic. At least you can find people, can't you? maybe.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: disarm [Re: leery11]
    #5687428 - 05/29/06 05:13 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I could leave my body if I dropped all of my habits (smoking, drinking, you know all the fun stuff...), but now is not the right time for that. Perhaps in a few years, but not now.

and yes, I can scan around, but I try to keep that to a minimum, as I have found that using those abilities normally entails karmic debt, which I try to avoid. Also there are other issues to consider. I am often attracted to innocent, naive minds. Though I have seen great evil and sorrow, I am still a naive child at heart, and thus am attracted to like minds.

But should I get them involved in my life? There is wickedness all around me. Few can escape its corruption. I surround myself with corruption because I believe I can make a positive change where it most needs to be made. Like shroomism, I too am a warrior of light. Few women understand this struggle, and any woman who doesn't understand it is not suited for me. This is a lesson I have been forced to learn through pain, both my own and the pain of the ones I love the most.

Many of my closest friends and lovers have gotten caught up in the tsunami that is my existence. They can't stand the eye of the hurricane and thus foolishly decide to destroy themselves in its outer layers. Like I said, they just don't understand my struggle, think me a fool, and wind up becoming fools themselves. Many people, men and women, are too afraid to live as a warrior of light. Thus, they get sucked into darkness.

I think you are missing an important line in the song:
"The killer in me is the killer in you."

As a receptive person, I have no choice but to absorb the negative energy of those around me. Sometimes, that energy causes me to feel, think, say, and even do things that go against God and my Higher Self. But the point is that I never came into this life with the intention of hurting anyone. I was exposed to those ideas by society. We all were. Some people can look at an idea like violent retribution and realize its bullshit and not let it get to them. But who can do so in the heat of the moment, when someone has unjustly wronged you, and you hunger so desperatley for justice? Many times, I have failed in this regard.

Like I said, I have always striven not to strive with the world, but many times the world has striven with me. This puts ideas in my head, and the world should count itself lucky that I do not often act on these ideas. Like I said somewhere else, I learned how to torture from the very best. I learned it from the people of earth.


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: disarm [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5690598 - 05/30/06 12:44 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

DoctorJ said:
I am often attracted to innocent, naive minds. Though I have seen great evil and sorrow, I am still a naive child at heart, and thus am attracted to like minds.



Me too dude..... but it's also because I left my libido in high school where it is bleeding and waiting for me to make amends with it.....

What this means is that I never got a chance to date when all the girls were young, supple, fine, and very innocent...... probably a lot of them still virgins even.

Now I'm in college and 1/4 of them have STDs according to the statistics, so that probably means 1/2 of them aren't virgins ? Maybe more than that? Probably....

Plus they look like WOMEN they look aged and weathered.... and Im like "oh my I'm getting old so fast...."

this song resonates with me a lot.... "I used to be a little boy!"
I don't want to grow up at all.... decisions... armageddon....... fascism...... corruption......

I don't know what to say to you of course...... what I know is it is already hard enough for me to find someone as "advanced" (hah!) as I am ......... unless I look for older women.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: disarm [Re: leery11]
    #5690678 - 05/30/06 01:09 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

I don't really have a problem with women who have been around as long as they are willing to repent. 

of course, I would prefer a blank slate.  But if its been written on, that's OK.  I have a good eraser :wink:


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: disarm [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5691212 - 05/30/06 04:09 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

ah well i haven't put my eraser in any slates so that's why blank ones would be good.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: disarm [Re: leery11]
    #5691746 - 05/30/06 06:02 PM (17 years, 7 months ago)

well, the blank ones tend to be inexperienced.  It can be a hassle to train them, especially when they learn some lessons too well, and other lessons not well enough :wink:


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: disarm [Re: leery11]
    #5693359 - 05/31/06 12:05 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

leery11 said:
ah well i haven't put my eraser in any slates so that's why blank ones would be good.




by the way, I'd like to take this opportunity to say that if a guy as cool as you obviously are hasn't gotten anything yet, then you are being cheated.  More evidence of Satan's influence over the world, I suppose :nonono:

go out and find yourself a nice girl, and give her one for me, huh?  You deserve a virgin.


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InvisibleCowgold
Bullshit

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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 12,486
Loc: .
Re: disarm [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5702438 - 06/02/06 12:45 AM (17 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

DoctorJ said:
I surround myself with corruption because I believe I can make a positive change where it most needs to be made.  Like shroomism, I too am a warrior of light. 




I had a friend ask why shrooms are so prone to contaminates indoors, while they grow in the wild with no problems?  I told him that in the wild the habitat of the mycelium/mushroom is supported by surrounding life that create a barrier to contaminates.  To grow them indoors the habitat/barrier must be recreated and this habitat can be very difficult to sustain. 

Surrounding yourself with corruption, I think, has a dimming effect to your light over time.  :zoom:


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