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Offlinemr_kite
The Watcher
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Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 2,577
Loc: shambhala
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
starting to think ive behaved really badly
    #5672566 - 05/25/06 11:53 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

So...about 4 months ago I split up with my girl. She was foreign, didn't know too many people, I was pretty central to her life. We'd been togetehr 15 months, and it was pretty serious, living together. However I realised that it wasn't to be, it wasn't working. She moved into a flat with some mates, and though she was REALLY cut up about it I thought shed get better. Well I started seeing this other girl about a month after we split, and its got pretty serious. Howver we all go to the same college, and I think I've really fucked up the girl I split up with. I feel like ive been really selfish.
I mean, I was really cut up after breaking up (shes the only girl I ever been in love with) and seeing someone new realy helped me feel better. But now it feels like it was right in her face, too much too soon without giving her a chance to get over it, and shes really doing badly. Depressed. I talked to her today and she basically told me Ive ruined her life.
I just feel so down about it, so guilty and so shit. I really feel like Ive done something horrible. I wanna try and help her because shes got no family here, no really close soulmate type friends. But what can I do????


--------------------
let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: mr_kite]
    #5672638 - 05/25/06 12:08 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

you can be there for her

you can take her with you to parties and social events

you can introduce her around

you can try to hook her up with a new boyfriend

you can talk to her when she's lonely

you can do something benign like give her a little kiss on the cheek every now and then to let her know you still care

you could always consider going back to her, girls like that are rare


But if every ex behaved the way I just described, breakups would be a LOT easier.


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OfflineSyle
Kenai Sigh
 User Gallery

Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 6,678
Loc: WA
Last seen: 10 months, 26 days
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5672826 - 05/25/06 12:41 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

mr_kite, YOU ruined HER life? jesus, some people are so fucking melodramatic.

It's her problem, not yours. if she still can't realize that you two weren't "meant to be" then it's her problem.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but it's the simple truth of the matter.


--------------------
https://kenaisigh.bandcamp.com/ <- Just completed the 2021 RPM challenge for February - An EP in one month (5 songs or 20 minutes). Check it out!


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: mr_kite]
    #5673162 - 05/25/06 01:52 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

mr_kite said:
So...about 4 months ago I split up with my girl. She was foreign, didn't know too many people, I was pretty central to her life. We'd been togetehr 15 months, and it was pretty serious, living together. However I realised that it wasn't to be, it wasn't working. She moved into a flat with some mates, and though she was REALLY cut up about it I thought shed get better. Well I started seeing this other girl about a month after we split, and its got pretty serious. Howver we all go to the same college, and I think I've really fucked up the girl I split up with. I feel like ive been really selfish.
I mean, I was really cut up after breaking up (shes the only girl I ever been in love with) and seeing someone new realy helped me feel better. But now it feels like it was right in her face, too much too soon without giving her a chance to get over it, and shes really doing badly. Depressed. I talked to her today and she basically told me Ive ruined her life.
I just feel so down about it, so guilty and so shit. I really feel like Ive done something horrible. I wanna try and help her because shes got no family here, no really close soulmate type friends. But what can I do????




Bottom line Mr.Kite, no foul and no fault. You didn't ruin her life. She is ruining her own life by not realizing that no one can fulfill her or make her happy but herself. This is the most common problem in the world and almost everyone falls prey to the big lie that someone else can emotionally effect our welbeing with their actions. I'm talking about actions that don't physically hurt us.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: Icelander]
    #5673209 - 05/25/06 02:03 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

those are valid points, but breakups don't have to be as hard for people as they often are.

we could all be a little more sensitive to eachother's needs and desires.

so my advice to the original poster is: do what you can for her, but don't get bogged down in anything that makes you or her uncomfortable.


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5673365 - 05/25/06 02:56 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

do what you can for her, :doggystyle:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineDoctorJ
Male

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: Icelander]
    #5673480 - 05/25/06 03:29 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

:lol:

you crack me up dude


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: DoctorJ]
    #5673508 - 05/25/06 03:39 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

you're a good caring person.

just be there for her.

You probably did hurt her but it's not like that was WHY you broke up... to damage her. A lot of the pain is her "fault" too....

these things are generally not easy or smooth to handle but the fact that you care shows that you aren't being some terrible person.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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Offlinegregorio
Too Damn Old
Male

Registered: 09/08/05
Posts: 2,831
Loc: Classified
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: mr_kite]
    #5674272 - 05/25/06 07:07 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I know this isnt the answer that you want to hear but:

Do unto her as you would want someone else to do unto you if you were in that situation.

:ohwell:


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Invisibleeligal
Noobie

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 05/25/05
Posts: 7,021
Loc: California
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: mr_kite]
    #5674845 - 05/25/06 09:55 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

It sounds like you still care for her, so why not jsut hang out as friends. Dont just throw her on the curb, rather, let her off gently.

Relationships, imo, consist of giving a bit of yourself to the mate. That bit of you that you gave over is inpart their responsibility to take care of, and when its time to break up, if that time ever comes, it is partially your responsibility to hand some of that back (This sounds strange I know).

Basically what Im saying is its not really your responisibility to care for her after you break up, but since you did the dumping, the form in which you break up is your responisbility and it is up to you to do so tactfully.

Though I would think that after four months she wouldnt still be so depressed as to say, "your ruined my life." Sounds a lil dramatic...

So, my opinion, it would be best for both of you to maybe spend some time together and in so you are technically re-enacting the breakup, and this time you are turning it into a gradual procession with less heart break.


--------------------
\m/ Spanksta \m/

"do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?"

"MolokoMilkPlus said:
I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job"

"tactik said:
respect the can."



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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: eligal]
    #5676586 - 05/26/06 10:41 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

This could be good advice. UNLESS she is a nut job. Then you have some more problems.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinemr_kite
The Watcher
Male

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 2,577
Loc: shambhala
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: Icelander]
    #5676878 - 05/26/06 12:00 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Thanks guys, some of that really helped.

I'm really trying the hanging out as friends stuff, but it depends what mood shes in. Sometimes theres not much I can do. Of course I dont really blame myself, I was just pretty uptight when I posted cos Id just been talking to her.

Really I think she just needs to get over it, get on with her life and only she can do that. But hopefully she'll let me help a bit...

Thanks  :heartpump:


--------------------
let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love


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OfflineJackenobi
Hermes
Male

Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 1,355
Last seen: 6 years, 3 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: eligal]
    #5676988 - 05/26/06 12:27 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Then of course there is the added fun of watching the new girl grow/deliberately cultivate enmity toward the old girl, despite that you are just friends and are being a decent human being...

Maybe ive just been out with the wrong girls... (not many so maybe this is credible)


--------------------
read books


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Offlinemr_kite
The Watcher
Male

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 2,577
Loc: shambhala
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: starting to think ive behaved really badly [Re: Jackenobi]
    #5677802 - 05/26/06 05:29 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Jesus that was well timed observation...that shit just happened! Jealsouy :frown:

More trouble than they're damn worth sometimes. I neeed a joint.


--------------------
let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love


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