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d33p
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Registered: 07/12/03
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The Reprieve by d33p
#5653504 - 05/20/06 02:24 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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Here is the first of four parts of a short story i wrote for one of my classes. Please read it and leave comments. I'll post the other parts shortly.
the reprieve
I winced as the cold, emotionless surgical steel pierced my soft ruddy skin. Relief rushed over my body in powerful wave of energy signaled by the once painful prick of the icy needle. It had been a long, long day, one of the longest I’d endured in what seemed like forever. Time, it seems so irrelevant these days, there are just… lingering moments. What day is it?
Wandering aimlessly through the labyrinth of lower Camden can be daunting and hopeless, particularly when your only companion is the frozen kiss of Mother Nature in February hounding you as you desperately struggle to find your next quick fix. The sickness… today has been the worst yet. It tore through my searing abdomen like a gaping shotgun wound. I had begun to pray for the sporadic gut-wrenching contractions when my mind briefly wandered from this horrible pain in an attempt to push back my empty stomach and bile as peristalsis reversed.
I stumbled upon him when the sun was just starting to fade into the horizon. I had ducked into a dilapidated warehouse decorated with the inanimate relics of a once busy industrial sector in hopes of escaping death’s wintry touch. I started a small fire in a metal drum and huddled around it shaking like mad waiting for the feeling in my extremities to finally return. Suddenly I felt a presence behind me and jerked around ready to face anything. There before me was a large, draping black hooded coat which covered the visibly emaciated man underneath. I stared blankly at two piercing white eyes contrasted by the shadowed face. “Need a fix?” billowed out of the abyss in scratchy voice, eerily overshadowed by a lack of wintry vapor cloud. No worries, I thought as my mind quickly shifted focus. The day was a success, I got my fix, that is all that matters.
Blood permeates the clear deceptive concoction in the reservoir as I position the proboscis in the canal of my cephalic vein. Hesitation; with just the gentle push of a small plunger my sweet sorrow will carry my tribulations and pains into the clouds. Sure, the excruciating bliss was fleeting but through it came my only salvation. It kept my finger off the trigger so to speak. Slowly now…. just keep it slow…. no need to rush and burst another vein; that resulting repulsive mess was the last thing I need now. The poison pours into my awaiting maw and races feverishly toward my ravenous brain. Ringing, louder and louder, resonates between my ears and pierces the cold silence of the alleyway.
A satisfied moan dances over my lips as my eyes lock into a deep stare with a dirty lincoln coin lost and forgotten on the unforgiving ground. Blur and ambiguity champions my vision as I feel my heartbeat to slow down to a crawl. My arm falls from atop my knee causing the syringe to crash toward the dirty asphalt spurting a fine stream of blood toward the crimson bricks of the adjacent building. My eyelids begin to droop and a feeling of emancipation sweeps over my chilly body. Colors fade, shadows become indistinguishable, darkness now.
-------------------- I'm a nihilist. Lets be friends. bang bang
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SneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!

Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 15,427
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
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Re: The Reprieve by d33p [Re: d33p]
#5653559 - 05/20/06 02:45 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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good writing. Slightly redundant imagery. Cephalic vein is the only part that bothers me. Cephalic means "of or relating to the head".... either way, if you meant to say that or not, it still doesn't make sense.
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d33p
Welcome to Violence

Registered: 07/12/03
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Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
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Quote:
psilocyberin said: good writing. Slightly redundant imagery. Cephalic vein is the only part that bothers me. Cephalic means "of or relating to the head".... either way, if you meant to say that or not, it still doesn't make sense.
What you perceive as redundancy was forced. In writing the four parts i was experimenting with a few various styles to convey feelings through the explication that i could use if i ever expanded them. It doesn't really work in such a short piece, i agree.
and about the cephalic vein, i'm pretty sure i was right: 
And why doesn't it make sense anyway?
-------------------- I'm a nihilist. Lets be friends. bang bang
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SneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!

Registered: 01/15/05
Posts: 15,427
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
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Re: The Reprieve by d33p [Re: d33p]
#5656365 - 05/21/06 01:24 PM (17 years, 8 months ago) |
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well, you are right. I didn't know that the vein was called the cephalic vein, but I did know what cephalic meant, so it didn't make sense to me that someone would inject into their head, and if they did, the writer would be more descriptive of the part of the head, like the eye.
But it makes more sense now, my bad.
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