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InvisibleSimisu
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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
Loc: Israeli in Flag
Positive negative loops
    #5600874 - 05/07/06 12:18 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

this was my second trip (two grams of aborts with lemon on an empty stomach)
my parents went on vacation and i had the house all to my self and since i was going solo again i thought this would be a good thing...

the come up was pretty fast, i was listening to music and playing my didgeredoo... i danced a little and stretched my body (i felt very energized but still very relaxed) i decided to do some n2o again... this thing scares the shit out of me!
i was sitting in front of a big mirror watching my self huffing the balloon (only reason i did this was because i thought it might "open" me to the mushrooms... and I'll get some visuals) but that's when reality hit me smack in the face... I've NEVER been more alive and present then that minute! i got stressed because it feels like everyday life is SO detached from what's really happening... it reminds me of my first memories (unbiased by social programing/language or preferences)

this was the first time i really laughed with n2o but after a few seconds i just wanted to "run away" to forget about existence to leave this meaningless being... i felt a big surge of energy but had no way to put it to use and my mind was saying "there IS no use to anything anyway" i was getting nervous and distressed... i wasn't afraid at all i was just frustrated about "Life (the universe and everything)"

time got irrelevant and every thought reflected in all directions of time, i thought of my self as a basic creature (a cave man) trying to get along with life but at the same time i thought about the future me making a family and none of it makes sense! none of it has any reason or meaning to me...

i got in the shower hoping to distract my self from this existential crisis but that only made it worse... I've accepted the fact that there is no meaning or purpose or reason... whatever... but i could not also figure out any reason to leave the shower to keep living (I'm not suicidal or anything like that) i don't what i can do with my life that would make any sense to ME... its all the same and nothing makes sense...

i got out of the shower and got into bed but couldn't shake this damn feeling off, the only thing i though could have helped was if i could somehow share this with someone, validate my feelings with someone objective. i decided to call my mom (people commented that I'm insane for telling my mom I'm on shrooms... she found out i was growing about a week before that and it was obvious I'm gonna try them sooner or later...)

at first she got a little nervous but i reassured her everything was fine and that i just needed to talk to someone... we've had this type of conversation many times before (me saying that nothing matters and that i don't feel like anything makes any difference and why bother... she kinda agrees with me really but it's obvious that life goes on in spite if it so might as well make the best of it right? right! but if nothing makes a difference for me then why bother... blablabla... this can go on forever around this loop...)

she really helped me through this nagging feeling and after talking to her for about 20 minutes i was feeling OK and now i realized i shouldn't have been going solo again (last time i felt like it be much better tripping with someone but because no one was available and i was impatient to find out what it's all about i went a head with it anyway) so i wanted to keep talking to someone because i had no idea what else to do really...

i called my best friend and left the house... we had  a good chat and she was amazed to hear me like this (i haven't been talkative lately) and now i noticed i couldn't differentiate clearly when SHE was talking and when I was talking... it was like sending a signal and receiving it after an alteration... like a positive negative...

the gardens around me are all in flower and the smell was intoxicating... the warm wind was blowing through my wet hair and everything was beautiful! kids were playing around and everything felt right!
when i finished speaking with my friend i put on my Iriver on shuffle and took a stroll around the city (i couldn't help but smile like crazy... especially when i made eye contact with people :tongue:) after a while i went to a shop to get a smoke and an acquaintance of mine works there so i hung around for a while and we talked about all sort of stuff... she tried to convince me to travel...

when i finely left it was about 6-7 hours after i dosed and i was pretty tired... i went home and just sat on the sofa listening to music until my best friend showed up... i tried explaining what happened a little better but it was hard to remember exactly how it felt like.

lessons for next time... no N2O! and a sitter/tripper to trip with!
i might actually convince my mom to try this :grin:
also next time I'm thinking of taking a substantially higher dose (i want to get visuals! so i think it's gonna be around 3.5 or at least 3 grams :smirk:)

i also have to say that if i haven't been reading the shroomery for a while i might not have handled this trip like i did... this could have been one of those "BAD TRIP please help" kinda report but i was calm and level headed enough to deal with it and accept it rather then fight it (and loose) thanks to the great advice most of the members here usually give!

five shrooms for the shroomery :tongue:
:mushroom2:


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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Invisiblekake
The answer to1984 is 1776.
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Re: Positive negative loops [Re: Simisu]
    #5600909 - 05/07/06 12:38 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

i enjoyed reading your report.  ive been there, no doubt about it.  im not suicidal either, but i still wonder sometimes if everything is so pointless that i ought to be doing things differently.  and other times i'll get the sense that im doing exactly what i need to in this life.  the strange part is i feel emotionally detached from either outcome, in other words i can objectively pretend nothing matters and my behavior and thought patterns wouldn't change noticeably.  just remember being alive means time IS on your side, it just might not be tomorrow. :smile:


--------------------
The answer to 1984 is 1776.


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InvisibleSimisu
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Registered: 08/08/03
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Loc: Israeli in Flag
Re: Positive negative loops [Re: kake]
    #5600933 - 05/07/06 12:53 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

yeah.. it;s just hard to get motivated about life when you have nothing to look forward to ya know...

i just realized i've put this in the wrong forum (though it's nice getting replys to my reports for a change :grin:)

i'll ask a mod to move this...


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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OfflineThreePieceSuit
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Re: Positive negative loops [Re: kake]
    #5600938 - 05/07/06 12:55 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Great report, described the desolation sensation very well! :thumbup:
Hope you have a better time next trip! :mushroom2:


--------------------
:mafioso:
I'm so lucrative, even my birthday suit is in three pieces.


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Offlinechipotlee
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Registered: 05/09/06
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Re: Positive negative loops [Re: ThreePieceSuit]
    #5607192 - 05/09/06 12:24 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

wow i would hate to have a trip telling my mom that iv done shrooms haha


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InvisibleSimisu
taken by gravity
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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
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Re: Positive negative loops [Re: chipotlee]
    #5620423 - 05/12/06 09:00 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

chipotlee said:
wow i would hate to have a trip telling my mom that iv done shrooms haha




i guess i'm lucky then  :grin:
i can always talk to my mom about anything and i feel grateful for it!

she even told my dad i was growing yesterday and he hasn't been acting weird about it...
she told me he said something along these lines "is that all he thinks about?"
my mom is really curiuse about this and asks loads of questions (i wish i could dose her... she needs to see what it is for her self  :mushroom2: )


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
      Visit & Support Free Spore Ring Earth
      :sun: Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum :sun:



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Offlinefreezepooter
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Last seen: 14 years, 9 months
Re: Positive negative loops [Re: Simisu]
    #5625783 - 05/13/06 07:25 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

"time got irrelevant and every thought reflected in all directions of time, i thought of my self as a basic creature (a cave man) trying to get along with life but at the same time i thought about the future me making a family and none of it makes sense! none of it has any reason or meaning to me... "


I have had this same thought on salvia. it was very confusing and uncomforterable.


--------------------
"The mountains are calling and I must go." - John Muir


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: Positive negative loops [Re: freezepooter]
    #5626211 - 05/13/06 08:50 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

take this discovery inside.
be considerate of your parents,
but don't try to take them on this
journey with you.

they now know enough to ask if they are interested.

If you try to make them interested, they will assume you have become obsessed. parents are
weird, I am one.

shalom


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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InvisibleSimisu
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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
Loc: Israeli in Flag
Re: Positive negative loops [Re: redgreenvines]
    #5627739 - 05/14/06 09:26 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

shalom :grin:

you're right!
my brother just called me up after he talked with my mom... i didn't tell him anything because i was wating to see him in person.
she talked to him and it seems she was MUCH more worried about me then i thought she was... she thought i might kill my self or something even though i told her i wasn't gonna do anything like that!

thanks...


i also want to add this to my report...
i had a very strong sense of dejavue through out the trip (although that might have been from the N2O so i dunno)


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
      Visit & Support Free Spore Ring Earth
      :sun: Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum :sun:



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