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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
How can you tell if you want to be with someone?
    #5599037 - 05/06/06 09:30 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

This seems like kind of a no-brainer question, but as a 24 year-old with no relationship experience it seems like a relevant question. I have been dating a girl for a few weeks now and I am really confused by the situation. Even if you leave sex out of the picture it seems like I get these huge rushes of euphoria with her, but then after a 5-6 hours I am burnt out and she doesn't do it for me anymore. Almost like your brain releasing seratonin on ecstacy. I find that my body can actually be very tense and nervous with the whole thing but I scarcely notice because I am in some kind trance/high. Sometimes she turns me on a lot, but sometimes I don't really know if I am attracted to her very much at all. Whenever I see her it almost always takes me a couple minutes to warm up to her, but then everything is cool until I've totally drained myself.

I can't really tell if the nervous feeling I sometimes get when there isn't as much of a high is how I actually feel about her, or a fear of vulnerablity and loss of freedom since I have always been a well insulated and solitary person. It has occured to me that when I feel distant from her it could be me recoiling from being so vulnerable or out of control, or I could be scared of change. Or maybe I just don't dig her that much, but sometimes I do so I really can't tell. I don't know how I could get this far with someone if I wasn't into her, yet I wonder why I have these weird doubts.

I guess with no experience I'm not sure what kind of expectations to have of a relationship. Am I supposed to want to be around a girl all the time, or be constantly attracted to her? Is she supposed to be REALLY attractive to me? Should I expect the things I get from my relationships with male freinds?

I'm working to make a stronger underlying freindship so that after those dopamine highs end we can still feel comfortable hanging out alot. But as yet I just can't really tell if I feel good enough to stick with her, but I would also not feel great about quiting. I'm just gonna chill and stick with things for now, but I could use some input. Thanks.


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1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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Offlinejcdangerously
I'll Cut You

Registered: 04/08/06
Posts: 422
Last seen: 17 years, 7 months
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5599120 - 05/06/06 09:54 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

You are overanalyzing things.

Quote:

Am I supposed to want to be around a girl all the time, or be constantly attracted to her?




No. If you're around her all the time, things will probably get stale after a while. Just because you're dating her doesen't mean you need to do everything with her. As for being constantly attracted to her, well, that depends on what you mean. There are different kinds of attraction. As long as you enjoy her company, then it's all good. If you find yourself disliking her at times, you're probably just infatuated.

Quote:

Should I expect the things I get from my relationships with male freinds?




To a degree, yeah. Your girlfriend should be one of your really good friends. One that puts out once in a while and makes you sandwiches.


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5599212 - 05/06/06 10:24 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Once again I think that you are getting too in-depth with your examinations. Stuff like this is supposed to happen naturally. You shouldn't be fretting over every little thing; if you do you will be constantly stressed out. However, since this is your first relationship I can understand how you are feeling overwhelmed, unsure, hesitant, and downright bewildered.

To be honest, it sounds like you aren't that into this girl. But, it also sounds as if you are somewhat compatible with her. Maybe because you didn't have anything else going on in your romantic life you decided to take a stab at it with her when the opportunity came along? I've been in the same position before. There were times where I would be sitting around with no girlfriend and no prospects and then all of a sudden a girl presented herself to me. She didn't really "get my motor going", but I would usually go for it anyway because I was bored. Maybe that's what happened here? Maybe you are more excited about "having a girl" than you are with having this girl?

As far as "being around her all of the time" goes; this is common in the beginning of a relationship. But, you don't want to overdue it. You two might get bored of each other if you are constantly together.

You will have different relationships with females throughout your life. Some you will view purely as friends. Some you will be purely in lust with. The hope of anybody is to find a significant other where you get both of those feelings at the same time. Over the years, the lust part inevitably disappears somewhat. But, the security and devotion of a long-term relationship can make up for that. Although, I am not one to talk of such things. The longest relationship I ever had was about a year and a half.

No matter what the situation, you need to get yourself under control. I seriously suggest that you stop thinking so hard and fretting about stuff. Play it cool. One of the fastest ways to turn off a woman is to act unsure of yourself. Be confident in who you are.


Edited by RandalFlagg (05/06/06 10:27 PM)


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5599835 - 05/07/06 01:23 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Wurd. I don't spend every waking hour pouring over this, but whilst I was on the internet I thought about it and was wondering if it was a common experience. I think you might be right about opportunism, but the thing is there is alot in my rational mind that says this girl is a good catch. Then again it could just be me.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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InvisibleMushie_Man
Fuck Up

Registered: 05/21/04
Posts: 889
Loc: UK
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5600266 - 05/07/06 06:52 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

I feel the same about my girl, sometimes can I spend days at a time with her (well not constantly, but no more than 6 hours apart). At times, things do appear stale, then I just remember that I enjoy her company,we occupy each other and we get on great. Don't expect do be madly taken by a girl 24/7, thats not how it always works.

If you feel things getting stale, take some time apart, you'll soon figure how you feel. I'm not going to see my girl till Tuesday, and i know by then I'll be missing her like hell, its all about having faith in the relationship.

Relationships take time & commitment to build, until your madly in love, things aren't always going to be seen clearly.


--------------------
Ecstacy got me standing next to you
Getting sentimental as fuck spillin' guts to you
We just met
But I think I'm in love with you
But you're on it too
So you tell me you love me too
Wake up in the morning like "yo, what the fuck we do?"


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Offlinekotik
fuckingsuperhero
 User Gallery
Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 3,531
Last seen: 4 years, 24 days
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5600268 - 05/07/06 06:53 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

dont expect complete fufillment from a single relationship. that's the best step you can take towards a healthy mindstate.


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No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: kotik]
    #5604625 - 05/08/06 11:32 AM (17 years, 8 months ago)

John Wayne said in this one movie: After a few years things settle down and then it's really worth living together.

Consider that you don't need to impress her all the time. Just kick it and stand up for yourself like you know how. Then you might not feel so irregularly burnt out. Not that that's a bad thing necessarily, but you seem to know that there's a problem.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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OfflineDivided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings

Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5606922 - 05/08/06 10:36 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Yeah so I think alot of the situation has to do with her liking me alot but being very defensive about potentially being hurt. Thus she can be insanely cool to be around sometimes, but then other days I would be scratching my head wondering why I didn't feel that way anymore. We haven't been forming a relationship beyond having rushes and making out because she is afraid of getting to know me and then getting rejected, rejecting, or me moving away (which I could do in a few months) so she keeps a kind of distance. By conventional logic this makes sense to protect yourself, but I wish she would realize that worrying of the future is a sure fire way to ruin the present. I think she doubts if it is worth it to be with someone knowing it eventually has to end. It seems to me that in order to enjoy any relationship you have to take the risk that it might not work out. I feel you have to open up and take what you get or nothing happens.

Is there any way I can help this situation?


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


Extras: Filter Print Post Top
InvisibleRandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: How can you tell if you want to be with someone? [Re: Divided_Sky]
    #5608794 - 05/09/06 01:28 PM (17 years, 8 months ago)

Roofies?  :smirk:

Tell her to chill out; just like we've told you to chill out.  If you move...you move.  If you stay...you stay.  Just enjoy each other's company in the here and now.  Tell her not to obsess about future possibilities and scenarios.


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