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 whatisinmypocket
Stranger
Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 4
Last seen: 22 years, 2 months
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 magic sex people 
#553357 - 02/16/02 05:14 AM (22 years, 2 months ago) |
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after taking 11 drops of liquid acid and SEEING the universe for what it is i left college one semester away from my degree and went walking the earth to live free spontaneous, in the moment, as i saw all of us were born to live
i have been doing this for two years with three intermittent stops at my parents house because it gets too cold or shitty somewhere
as a white person i've seen tons of prejudice directed at me by other white people--so much in fact i assumed THEY KNEW THE SECRET and were mocking treating me bad because i didnt know the secret...i think now that these fuckers actually were just judging me on my appearance, which i sort of forgot about, wearing rag tag clothes found on the ground and being dirty--i couldnt even tell my appearance mattered to them, so i assumed their negative behavior to be that they perceived something truly negative in me (clearly there must be something negative in me though i dont know what...fear? shame? nothing real but something i hold onto--i feel like i've never actually stopped tripping but its an ugly trip)
it is quite easy to survive like this in new york city, san francisco, and amsterdam...i lived in all of these places and found food readily available...i steered clear of shelters and most often what i felt was an abiding sense of loneliness, that i had nothing to say to anyone and that in order to have a girlfriend i needed to entertain her in some way that i did not feel capable of since i had let go of my personality, or at least, was hanging in some limbo where my personality was only fear of expressing anything
the strangest thing occured while tripping in golden gate park san francisco where i was hitting on a girl, took acid with her, and suddenly realized that i was the biggest asshole alive for talking to this wonderful so beautiful i could not comprehend creature in a stupid way when all i wanted was to love her, be loved by her make love to her? the people in this park were all dancing around me while i laid there and sobbed and this girl stared into my eyes for the duration (meanwhile i felt like i was doomed to this hell for who i was and i could never get out of it)
what i see in retrospect is that these are REAL people who left everything society behind and live homeless because there is no need for a home or possessions anymore, and they exist in a tribal form of love, making music all the time and enjoying life every minute...i have seen them elsewhere on my travels and i think none of them will bother using the internet again....all these telephones and computers appear to me as useless lonely things that only replace the fact that none of us has found a tribe or community of love (i speak only of myself i cannot really say us but i suspect everybody who uses them of the same motive).....the rainbow family appears like this to me as well (sometimes it feels like just the act of writing about this is me as a robot or me as the ego writing about something just to distract myself from the fact that i exist NOW and must FIND this)
more issues i have relate to my sexuality...i seem attracted to very specific women and i have a consciousness that this is how the media wants me to feel, thus i can be a pawn in their system of oppressing women by making them feel ugly, and i once met a guy who said 'i will make love with any woman--even an eighty year old'...he was a homeless guy in san francisco travelling with his wife and a band of others and he told me his wife lets him sleep with any woman he wants, which jives with my hope for free love no boundaries...i like his notion about women and some THING inside of me feels he is right, and at conflict with this is the thing inside of me that WANTS these beautiful girls and witnessed (on acid) that i should never have sex with girls i am not attracted to, that it is not offensive to not be attracted to someone but it is offensive to share sex with them if you are not........what does everybody think of these notions? i feel like sex is at the bottom of everything and either everybody is completely fucked up about it, or only the robots are fucked up about it, and that there is really nothing to be fucked up about but the whole process of seduction which i've always employed is nothing more than a series of egoistic tricks that work
i've also had the idea that women see through these egoistic tricks and they are offering me love hoping i SEE them and stop playing tricks (which i have never done...it does seem like the only thing that matters)
so imagine this free love cult really exists, is there any reason to live in a house, or own anything or watch television when you can just walk around the earth and dance and celebrate and make love all the time? this is where my vision ends, it looks paradisiacal to me.
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 mariasabina
addict
Registered: 10/10/01
Posts: 584
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sounds like woodstock
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Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. - Niel Gaiman
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mariasabina
addict
Registered: 10/10/01
Posts: 584
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ha! i have personally popped the cherry of your first thread and post. welcome to the shroomery 
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Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. - Niel Gaiman
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BigYetti
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/01
Posts: 16
Last seen: 22 years, 1 month
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Ok, so you took way too much acid for you. Hope you find your way back to stability. As far as wondering the earth, I personally see nothing wrong with it, except, when you regain your stability I think you will find it completly mundane and boring. Get a goal!!! Look deep into what is left in there and get as honest with your 'self' as you can. Since you apparrently have a lot of time on your hands, see if you can figure our what your true intentions are for doing all the things (actions) your doing right now and what you have done in the past. Take responsibility for them. You are the source of the events you experience as your life. Only you can change them. Make a decision to take some positive action that has integrity, then make another. There is real magic in that.
Far as the sex thing. A traditional spiritual paradigm holds that there are three levels of evolvement. Animal, Mental, and Spiritual. According to this, sex is of the animal domain. We as humans should acknowledge that sex is really ok, its what goes on at that level, don't take it personally. Of course excess of anything can lead to problems and compulsions so keep a balance. Strive for spiritual consciousness and allow the animal part of your consciousness to fulfill its needs as long as those needs are not harming others. Keep it real.
Above all, work to establish a connection with your intuition. You will never be alone with that connection. Get honest with yourself, its the first step to stabilization.
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Control your own mind.
[purple] Seek an experiential clarity..... [/purple]
www.StarsEdge.com
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Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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I used to think like that..
Don't want to say it's the 'wrong' way to think, but i think you may have to accept that humans naturally evolve and invent new technology for the survival of our race... lets find the real route of the problem and not blame it on telephones..
on the sex issue, i'd definately have to agree with Yetti... in that we have to accept there are still parts of us that are purely animal like that... the parts that want to have sex, and eat and drink and whatnot..
to me it just seems unnatural to go around fucking everyone.. i believe in the concept of choosing a 'mate' and starting a family.. that's pretty much what a species does..
that thing you said about the media controlling which girls you think are attractive... i think about that all the time.. and dont really have an answer... im attracted to physically beautiful girls and im not sure exactly why... maybe you're right about that..
i think you may be trying to live too much in your philisophical(acid) state, and still have some growing to do outside of that... i guess...
but it sounds like you've become a good guy and thats cool, and i admire your bravery in just wandering homeless like that.. i dont think i could do that, not right now anyways...
good luck in finding the answers
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skaMariaPastora
Utopiate
Registered: 03/14/01
Posts: 443
Loc: MA
Last seen: 21 years, 1 month
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Re: magic sex people [Re: BigYetti]
#553440 - 02/16/02 09:56 AM (22 years, 2 months ago) |
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I agree that sex is an animal instinct, but it can be so much more than that. Sex is the physical expression of love, and love is the most important thing in the universe. You will never be closer to somebody than when you are having sex with them, because you are both sharing something physical, emotional, and spiritual. It can exist only on the "I need to get laid" plane, but it can be so much more. Don't discount the value of making love.
"so imagine this free love cult really exists, is there any reason to live in a house, or own anything or watch television when you can just walk around the earth and dance and celebrate and make love all the time? this is where my vision ends, it looks paradisiacal to me."
I think this notion is incredibly beautiful, even though it is repugnant to our Calvinistic sexuality-phobia society. I think in a situation like this people are closer to each other and share more love with each other than they can anywhere else, and isn't that what we all desire most of all? To share love with people.
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Timeleech
addict
Registered: 10/04/01
Posts: 590
Loc: Norway
Last seen: 20 years, 7 months
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I can relate to your story, although what happened to me wasn't nearly as drastic, I have gone through some of the same mental pathways.
I think it's important to realize that you are here, now, for a reason. Jesus, I almost can't continue writing. Your post seems to have triggered a flaschback or something, it really resonates that heavily with me.
I don't think I can help much really, since I essentially am planning the same thing myself. Working and travelling in Australia with very little money (although I won't live on the street). I seek to live with as few posessions as possible (only a moderately sized backpack), and as little money as I need. I want to sample the real life too. (although less drastically).
What I wanted to say (from my spiritual point of view) is that you have chosen this particular life at this particular time in this particular place for a reason. No matter what you do, you are doing it according to plan. Don't fight your surroundigs because you realize they are nonsensical. You have a lesson to learn (spiritually), and your current life-situation is the one best suited to teach you those lessons.
Hmmm, as far as the atraction to specific women goes don't worry. It's natural. The ideal of "beauty" changes throughout history and culture. I suspect that fashio and media are just as indluenced by another force that lies behind this, and not the source of it. Media people are people like you and me, subject to the same fluctuations in human perception of aestetics as we are. It's just that with media there's a feedback loop going on, and we (our society) reinforce it, so it may seem grotesque and weird and unnatural.
What are you doing now? Work, school?
Weird, I really see a mirror of myself as I was in my acid-days in your post. I don't think I will sleep tonight...
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Eternally boggled, flummoxed, bewildered and surprised.
theophagy.org
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carbonhoots
old hand
Registered: 09/11/01
Posts: 1,351
Loc: BC Canada
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I really dug your post. Great opening paragraph! (fucking great)
I'm not there with you, I've seen it, I understand it, but I'm not there.
I remember doing acid and seeing that exact thing. I didn't go there though, I went through the sun instead. I realized I was nothing and it scared the bejeezers outta me. Do you know where I'm coming from?
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-I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me
CANADIAN CENTER FOR POLICY ALTERNATIVES
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Zen Peddler
Registered: 06/18/01
Posts: 6,379
Loc: orbit
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 Re: magic sex people [Re: BigYetti]
#554223 - 02/17/02 05:05 AM (22 years, 2 months ago) |
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I lvoe your post - i think you have embraced the 'way' as depicted by Lao Tzu - here is a piece of his wisdom:
'Without stirring abroad
One can know the whole world;
without looking out of the window
one can see the way of heaven
The further one goes - the less one knows.
Therefore the sage knows without having to stir;
indentifies without having to see
accomplishes without having to act.
As for sex - on acid, i find that sex becomes something incredibly profound - something that you want to share with every women you see...
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whatisinmypocket
Stranger
Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 4
Last seen: 22 years, 2 months
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Re: magic sex people [Re: Zen Peddler]
#554279 - 02/17/02 07:54 AM (22 years, 2 months ago) |
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i am living at my parent's house and have not left their house in the month i've been here except to walk with the dog...it has been so profoundly boring and lonely and yet i see i am in infinity now, that i have fifty or so years in which to do anything i feel like, and all that i feel like is playing in the oceans and waterfalls, climbing mountains, surfing, just goofing around really...i am returning to the streets of new york city in three days with my guitar...the people i've met who wander successfully all either play music or deal drugs or stand on the streets painted gray like human statues....in the last month i've finally found music inside of me, before i was just plucking away singing off key and feeling ashamed that people gave me money for this but having no other way to get money except beg...i suspect much pity in the hearts of the people on subway platforms who helped me but now i see i am a musician and i love most of all playing my own music...i dont think travelling the world can get boring but i am waiting for one girl....the girl who knocked me on my ass in amsterdam, she sent me spinning away into the void....i see i can love any woman and love is the only gift i have to offer and it is so precious a gift in this society of leprous idiots, still she is the one in my heart......i often think this is foolish, she is wandering around norway now, looking for 'something' and she says i am not the one for her but she continues to write and tell me how irritating everything is and i suspect she wants me in her heart and is afraid to let go of all the other shit...i do know i am incapable of loving another until i let go of her and i have not let go of her and feel resistant to the idea....this whole journey is propelled by the miracle that she unearthed inside of me...part of it is just SEEING my entire purpose in the eyes of a woman, which i had never seen before ever, just egoistically trying to gobble women up...i do not feel capable of making love to any other woman now because either i go to them with the intent to leave them for her, which is not appreciating this new woman, who is the same as her, or i let go of her which is probably as happy and wonderful but then i leave her floundering in the darkness when i dont want to leave her
now that all of this is clear in my mind i am going to sit and play my music in the subway for a week straight then get a plane ticket and fly over to her, speak my feelings to her in person (which is the thing i never did) and if she wants to continue looking for love elsewhere, then so will i
her beauty is what struck me speechless the second i laid eyes on her, and this causes much to think about....on acid i witness that many women are as beautiful, but i cannot replace her in my mind, and further i have noticed that many women i've slept with since running away from her (yes...i ran away from her in terror....'i'll come back," i said, "i have to find myself"--i was looking for the secret that would let me be with her forever...DUH...somehow the ego had to die a painful death first...the path was not clear then)..... anyway, many women i've not found as beautiful as her initially, but then i make love with them and it is like they are transformed and all are as beautiful as her....i cannot think why i am holding onto her, but i will continue regardless of no logic....so here's the thing that these angelic creatures made me think as i suddenly SEE their true beauty....that if everyone let go of everything, there is nothing left but a happy planet full of love-making...no longer does anyone possess anyone else as a mate, all are free to love all others...babies are raised by the community, like some villages in africa still do....i see i can live this way myself, walk around and love whomever i desire...if i do this, would i lose the desire to have one mate? i believe yes, but i am not certain...something inside still wants to play with this specific girl for as long as we enjoy playing together, and something else tells me that will be for as long as i live, maybe i will make love with others, but she will be the one i spend all my time with
something else tells me i am missing the true greatness of women and that when i have her i will not even want to make love to another woman (that may just be some christian bullshit sentimentality possessiveness evil)...this thought says in order to win her affections again i must KNOW that i will give the rest of my life to her, but i simply cannot know this
i dunno...some part of me knows i am happy to love anyone who wants my love, and i am happy for her to love anyone who wishes to share love with her, and this makes me think i should have some ingrained possessiveness of my mate that i dont have, and it also makes me think i see a vision for a way better world that everyone would like to be part of, obviously free love was being practiced in the sixties and for some reason that movement stopped (or went underground?) i dunno....i dont see how it didnt catch on everywhere
the constant suspicion i have is that it is actually going on and no one will tell me i just have to...ENTER the kingdom of heaven here now, something like that
does anyone have dreams like this and sex thoughts like this? oh...the other thing...i'm thinking if i can throw away any notion of non-beauty..therefore no one is more beautiful than any other, then i have found the truth about life...everyone is a beautiful spirit inside a flesh house and is worthy of love making, even fat ugly girls...that is a currently unappealing idea to me, and for no reason i can think of except pride and ego and things that never made me feel as good as any woman alive can make me feel
somebody wrote this in response to my first post:
> I remember doing acid and seeing that exact thing. I didn't go there though, I
> went through the sun instead. I realized I was nothing and it scared the
> bejeezers outta me. Do you know where I'm coming from?
i realized i was nothing, yes, it is terrifying and liberating, i still feel like i am something but this something seems like an illusion...circles and circles...what do you mean you went through the sun instead?
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LOBO
Vagabond
Registered: 03/19/01
Posts: 655
Loc: NY
Last seen: 17 years, 6 months
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I really felt your post, even thou I never went to that extreme of living, (perhaps because of fear) I am sure is a grate experience.
But I have to add something to it, it seems to me that you are very joung, in your twenties perhaps, and to live like that is fine now because you are strong now but as you get older is going to be more difficult.
My existentialist option was to engage in voluntary simplicity, and I think it is possible to take what?s good from both worlds.
I find that the middle path is always the best.
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Axiom420
ADDICT
Registered: 03/22/01
Posts: 202
Loc: in the forest, behind the...
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Ah...acid.
The universal nothing that I am is
the universal everything that I am am
or the universal individual that is one of many?
Sounds like you need to pay a bit more attention to your empirical thought processing brain activity. the highest level only leads to the begining again....but somehow is seems like it all happened backward. Cars, telephones...yeah, they suck but unfortunately they seem to be a necessity to support the lifestyle that I prefer...one that includes extending my lifespan as far as possilbe. Thats the trip I want. Its also the kind of thing you can pass on to your kids. I know this body is fallible and I feel like it is my job to take very good care of it, at the very least so that I can continue tripping on life or whatever else come along my way.
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"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
- Albert Einstein
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