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Offlinebeltane
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Registered: 04/23/06
Posts: 23
Last seen: 15 years, 5 months
I think i fucked my head *DELETED*
    #5547667 - 04/23/06 02:46 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Post deleted by beltane

Reason for deletion: felt like it


Edited by beltane (04/23/06 05:42 PM)

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OfflineOverSoul
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Registered: 04/23/06
Posts: 24
Loc: Maine
Last seen: 17 years, 9 months
Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5547777 - 04/23/06 03:10 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I apologize for my lack of knowledge on this matter involving shrooms, but the same thing happened to me once on DXM. I took way too much in about a period of a month or so and ended up as you describe if not worse. I thought I might have had brain damage. The difference with me is that after 3 months or so I was gradually feeling better, and now I am completely back to normal.

The only thing that would worry me about your situation is that it has been a full year. Not to offend you, but honestly, maybe some sort of profession counseling would help. Good luck.

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Invisibledemiu5
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Posts: 43,948
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Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5547793 - 04/23/06 03:13 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

been there. did about what you did if not more, took mushrooms waaaay too often, as well as some other drugs inbetween. It's weird because I never had a problem being around people, but now I get uptight and won't open up (I've tried, but the people I've been around don't have much to say or the other way around).

Since January (the trip that finalized a lot of issues, or at least put them over the edge) I have been depressed but am slowly working my way out of it. Being outside helps a lot, exercising, etc...

To recapture the magic, definitely space the trips out.

Hm, maybe I needed to vent some of this...I don't know if this helps in anwyay, but at least know, you're not alone in this situation. I know many other people here have been through the same and much worse.


--------------------
channel your inner Larry David

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Offlinebeltane
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Registered: 04/23/06
Posts: 23
Last seen: 15 years, 5 months
Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: demiu5]
    #5547896 - 04/23/06 03:35 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Yea well i was DEFINITELY worse when this all started...but i really expected myself to be fully back to normal now...bit worrying

Edited by beltane (04/23/06 03:37 PM)

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OfflineThe_Hobbit
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Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5548196 - 04/23/06 05:16 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I've had just about the same experience. I took shrooms a couple times within the space of a couple months. Nothing overboard really. But on the last trip I took 5.3 grams and it left me, like you said, without ego. It's like I was looking at the world with a whole new perspective and, because it was the perspective that I truly logically beleived, I had to deal with it and incoporate everything I felt into my every day life. I think that shrooms can give you a sensitivity for the details. Stuff that most people don't care about or don't think about - you do. And it's very hard to get over some of these things. Some of the stuff I experienced was negative side effects of trying to get back to a state of control with my new character. Just like you, I had serious social anxiety because I felt lost in just about every social situation.

It's taken me this full year and a lot of hard work, thinking about things and trying to find truth and knowledge and motivation to be the man that I need to be - both for myself and for everyone else. I feel like I've gotten alot better. The first 6 months was just alot of being lost. I could get by with some friends or people on the internet, but other than that it seemed like I couldn't do anything worthy in a social environment. That's when I first started to explore my body through exercise and meditation and all that good stuff. That gave me strength that I needed in other areas, but I had to find out how to use it. It's like.. you know what you need to do, but you cannot possibly have all these checkmarks in your head for all of the things that you need to do. You just need to be comfortable and relaxed, thoughtful and alert. Well.. that is harder than it sounds. =)

Everyone has problems, but we are having more problems because of the experiences we had. Maybe it's part philosophy and part chemical. You have to learn how to turn yourself on again so that the wheels start turning in your head. Doing that requires passion and desire for life because you cannot fool yourself into living for fake reasons. You need to care. That will get all the chemical stuff going and I beleive that, with time, you just get used to being a certain way and doing certain things so that it becomes natural. This has been your time to define yourself probably and now you just need to find the strength to carry through and be that person and have that character you want to.

Meditation, exercise, eat right, do things that make you happy or that mean something to you. Take every day and make it something good. That is the only way to have confidence in yourself, which is necessary to represent your character. The whole thing about social situations is that, for people with character, it means showing who you are and mixing that with who everyone else is. If you don't love yourself, how can you love anyone else? What you think and what you do matters because it defines who you are. If who you are doesn't mix so well with other people you have to try to understand why that is and contemplate what you can do about it. Sometimes you just have to accept that things cannot work out and learn when to simply not let your thoughts get to you. Like.. you have to learn to fall back on your confidence when you experience something that makes you sad or angry. Just get through kinda. Other times you have to know when to show strength and not be afraid - because you should never let fear dicate your actions - in order to represent what you are to the world around you. It's important that you know who you are and how can you be yourself when you are only that by yourself?

These are just a few thoughts for your to contemplate on. Basically it comes down to you and what you want. Go after it and you will find something. Learn to enjoy life - especially other people.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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OfflineBlueBruiser
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Registered: 03/14/02
Posts: 225
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Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5548359 - 04/23/06 06:01 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I cant help but think that mushrooms some how permanently alter your "self" (your idea of yourself in your head) in some way as a result of a good/bad experience that you get when your under the influence. I had my little abuse time, for about a month and a half and on my last trip I just decided to stop cold turkey and I did for about 3 years. Like you said, I dunno why I did it either, but I was fascinated by the experience and I sought it. I dunno if you grew your mushrooms or what but since then I have always realized that I have uummm for lack of a better word, the power to grow a very unique substance in life and because of this idea I have learned to respect mushrooms and the changes they can cause. Basically through a long search in my life I have tried to focus on goals and such to be happy in my life. I have challenged my self academical and socially and have fought off and challenged those fears and anxieties that you speak of, though not completely shut off, I keep them in check by reminding my self how far I have come since that time in my life.

Unfortunately I have never forgotten about tripping and I didn't think I ever will. I still smoke pot helps with motivation. I just wanted to share my experience of it cuz I sure wish I someone to tell me that it will be ok. I guess what I'm trying to say is to keep your head up, you have the power to change those thoughts, you just have to take steps towards what you want. You can go get a self help book, go outside and enjoy the sunset, spend time with family and friends, exercises and think healthy, things like that like demius said. Slowly but surely you will undo what the mushrooms have done and perhaps along the way you will notice something...beauty ,stillness, happiness and then think about how that might look or feel to you on mushrooms and sometimes for a moment you know exactly how that might be. Its great man. Some times I equate life with mushrooms some how, they seem to bring out its essence but its always there you just have to notice it. Mushrooms just shows it to you and everything else. For me its like living to fast, life is too scary, too intense, too fragile, too beautiful, too wonderful when I'm trippin. I try not to live too fast. I guess I'm writing all of this because I empathize with you, remember its all in your head but you can do something about it and if your would like to trip again remember to respect what your taking, putting up this post is a great step.

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Invisiblemoog
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Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1,296
Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5549000 - 04/23/06 08:28 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

The problem is, your perception of reality was changed faster than you could adjust to it. Such cases will often cause anxiety, confusion, or even trauma.

You have been given a gift, but in your case it has become a burden, because you didn't know or learn how to properly utilize it. Right now your ego is very afraid. Because it has been diminished so much, it's fearful it's going to be diminished again. This is where your anxiety stems from. All fear and anxiety come from the ego. Fear is the ego's defense mechanism, to ensure its survival.

In this world, our society demands that you have an ego, an identity. What happened when you were using shrooms was your identity faded away. But this isn't a bad thing. It only seems bad from the ego's point of view, because the ego is constantly trying to ensure its survival. That's its function.

Your identity that you've made for yourself is like an ice sculpture. You may think to yourself, "Look at this great ice suculpture i've made! Isn't it awesome! This sculpture is me. This is what i am." But then you take some shrooms and the ice sculpture starts to melt. This intricate creation that you've shaped, your very identity, is melting away. You think that once the ice totally melts your world will end. But that's not the case at all! You aren't the form of the ice; you are the water. You just decided to shape yourself into that particular identity. When you realize you're the water and not the form the water takes, you can be and do anything. You can be the party animal and outgoing guy you once were, but you first have to stop worrying that your identity is gone forever. You can take on any identity you want. That's the key.

Your ego will be back to normal again in a few more months, so don't worry about that. The ego, your identity always returns. But sometimes it has trouble remembering who you were. If you understand my analogy, you have become the water, and now you're trying very hard to make yourself back into the sculpture you once were. You're trying really hard to get back to exactly how you once were, and you're hoping that the people around don't realize you ever lost that form you had.

So anyway, don't worry. You'll feel "normal" again. Give it a couple more months, max. However, i would just ask you to remember your first few shroom trips. Remember why you enjoyed them so much, and why you were drawn to the experience. This is important! Remember this. There's a part of you that desires that experience. Ask yourself why that is. It's important that you think about this. It'll help you out in the long run.

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InvisibleVirgilKane
Miner for truth and delusion
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Registered: 05/17/05
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Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5549447 - 04/23/06 10:03 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

This was sent to me recently by a dear friend and Mentor and I think it may make you feel a little better:

From Israel Regardie's intro to RAWs Prometheus Rising:
"Twiches seems almost the right word, recalling to mind the myoclonisms of Wilhelm Reich's vegetotherapy which, at sometime, are infinitely disturbing to the patient on the couch who, because of them, feels he is falling apart, being shattered into a thousand pieces. He isn't really. It is as though the organism were gathering itself together for an upward or forward leap into the unknown, to a higher order of looking at things.
The transition to a higher order of functioning -or hooking on to a higher neural circuit--is often accompanied by considerable anxiety or a turbulence in personal life which seems as if the organism were falling apart or breaking up. This phenomenon of instability is really the way that every living organism--societies, human primates, chemical solutions, etc.--shakes itself, as it were, by myoclonisms or similar convulsions into new combinations and permutations for higher and new levels of development."


Hang in there and use this time to look forward to newer and higher levels for yourself instead of looking backwards and comparing what was and overlooking what could be... :cool:


--------------------
Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...

"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
              Carl G. Jung

 
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna

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Offlinebeltane
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Registered: 04/23/06
Posts: 23
Last seen: 15 years, 5 months
Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: VirgilKane]
    #5558010 - 04/26/06 10:04 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Thank u all very much for your opinions, they have been much help particularily moog and hobbcg, very wise words. That ice sculpture thing cleared ALOT up for me, at least now i understand that i have to give up on trying to return to my old self, he's dead and honestly he was kind of an asshole anyways. since i have read this i have recently been accepting what i am now, which as of this moment seems to be a shy,reserved and down to earth guy, and i think this is the route i need to take. It feels great knowing that i no longer have to force this old personality, maybe im not as much fun as i use to be, and dont perform as well in social situations.. but who cares? i feel so fake when i try to act like my old self, like moog said im trying to be exactly the same as i was and i know doing this just depresses me even more because it is now impossible, and i just end up getting frustrated and kicking myself. Im in the process of learning to accept what i am and love myself for it, Fuck trying to please everyone else by being something im not, thats no life. I think that in time thinking like this will get me my confidence back, i just have to keep this positive thinking! easier said than done tho, i always have alot of ups and downs in my day, but i wont quit.

I do have one question moog why is it that u ask me to remember my first few experiences and why i wanted to do them? well anyways,the reason is, is that I just always seemed to want to experience drugs dont really kno where it came from, maybe from idolising legends such as hendrix, jim morrison, hunter S. etc. I wanted to experience something beautiful and mind blowing that would expand my mind (which it has, i just didnt anticipate this!) i really wanted to learn more, gain some insight, learn something that most didnt kno and also i just really wanted to hallucinate..and have a blast.

U are right about me having that desire. i do strongly desire that experience again and i often worry i will go through with it one of these days even tho i dont feel ready, I dont know what it is, its just like im always thinking about shrooms and if i feel im ready, even tho i know im not. When im looking at ANYTHING in nature im always thinking " man i wish i was on shrooms right now"....my last trip was such a bummer tho i dont think i will give in to temptation too soon

Edited by beltane (04/26/06 02:02 PM)

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OfflineKid_Kaoz
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Registered: 03/28/02 Happy 22nd Shroomiversary!
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Loc: Ontario
Last seen: 17 years, 8 months
Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5558339 - 04/26/06 11:38 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Well said, Moog.

I went through similar turmoil to what you are describing, Beltane. I found that my mushroom experience caused me to seriously re-evaluate who I had become along with the morals and ideals I stood for. For the most part, I realized that I was very spiritually different from my ego that had been socially constructed through adolescence. Luckily, my first profound mushroom trips were shared by close friends who could relate to how I was feeling, and the trips always occurred within a safe environment. Still, regardless of the support provided by friends I eventually sought professional counselling. I was hesitant at first, but soon realized that there is nothing shameful about turning to a professional third party to help sort things out mentally. Through counselling I learned to accept my newly realized personality traits and am now more comfortable than ever with my self. Most of all, it's important to be proactive. Seek out new experiences, get outside, excercise, write; do whatever makes you happy regardless of others' opinions. The self is ever-changing. Don't feel as though you've lost anything. Consider your mental changes as part of an ongoing evolution.


--------------------
Life is how you live it.

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Invisiblemoog
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Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1,296
Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5567608 - 04/28/06 05:12 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Glad i was able to help.

What i meant about last thing i said was, some things were meant to happen. There's really no such thing as coincidence. If you ever feel you're being lead to something, then it was probably meant to happen. Just trust your intuition, and you'll never go wrong...

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Offlinemonamine
dork
Male

Registered: 04/28/06
Posts: 1,089
Loc: Florida, US
Last seen: 17 years, 8 months
Re: I think i fucked my head [Re: beltane]
    #5569920 - 04/29/06 11:34 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

beltane said:I think I fucked my head





Been there dude. Hundreds of times. Thought I would never come back...but I always did.

The only advice I can give is a little advice from Buddha: all things will pass. Try not to get over attached to any emotions no matter how good or bad they seem.

I know it sounds like idle bullshit when you're in that frame of mind, but it will work itself out. :wink:

Edited by monamine (04/29/06 11:36 AM)

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