it is now t+ 20 hours and i am still 'unbalanced'. breathing feels a bit strange still. i slept for about 6 hours. minor tremblings, heartbeat fairly normal.this was my 2nd dxm dose, first time 300mg in syrup(about 3 years ago), now 600 mg from pills. it was not a horrible experience, but i did not foresee a trip of this size. i have not puked. i can eat things every once in a while. any advice? i'm sure you can imagine i'm slightly worried that 'something broke' and won't return to 'normal' despite of reading a load of reports on erowid etc.. i will post more details later. thanks
disclaimer: this report is a very basic writeup of things i remember, and in which nothing spectacular happens. However, i am so shaken up by this experience that i feel i must write down what i still know (and thank god i can type again) as a memory for myself, and as a warning to others who might also consider a 2nd dxm trip after a weak first one. Thank you for your patience and support.
T +36 hours. Woke up after about 8 hours of 'normal' sleep. Can't recall any dreams. Feeling ok, but vision is still not quite normal. There is a tiny delay and i still have the 'stoned/wobbly' feeling. My fingers are still trembling.
report:
who? me (jeroen), 25, m, 65 kilograms, no history of mental illness.
what? dextromethorfanhydrobromide-monohydrate = 29,5 milligrams of dextromethorfan per cap, in the form of tiny balls that consist of stuff like gel, cellulose, sugar and stuff i dont know how to translate).
 RETARD CAPSULES. yes that's right. I kid you not. Never before has a medicine name had so much meaning.
how? opened 20 gelcaps which corresponds to a total of 590 milligrams, emptied into glass bowl, and crushed the ball like particles (regulated dosage for delayed dissolvement over a course of 8 hours) to a fine white powder, to counter the intended effect of slow and regulated intake. Added Apple-Banana juice with artificial sweeteners. Taste was incredibly bitter, powder would not dissolve.
 the white/orange uncrushed contents of the caps.
setting: my room: double bed, couch, computer, tv etc.. small kitchen and private bathroom on the same floor (i live in this house with other students). 2 people were at that time home. 1 of them a very good friend and fellow shroomer, would keep an ear open for strange noises and was in a way a 'remote' sitter.
why? As much as i try i can't recall my exact thoughts of the time when i decided to go out to buy 20 dxm caps. I had tried DXM once before a few years back, only it was 300mg in liquid form then, and it was a mild experience with only the 'robowalk' effects and some odd thoughts. In the meantime i've read several reports of which probably most are not exactly promoting the use of DXM. I consider myself a responsible drug user. I never embark on a journey without research, never without planning. This time however it was a rather spontaneous action and my only explanation is that i had unconsciously decided it was time for a drastic change, since i had neglected to start a mushroom grow, and/or to take a sufficiently high enough dose to achieve ego-loss. I know DXM is in a whole other league of drugs and i knew the experience might not be at all pleasant but i felt i needed to take the plunge before i could lay the verdict like so many others calling it 'the worst drug ever' or 'a waste of time and braincells'.
report:
9pm saturday, keeping in mind i have sunday and monday off. After swallowing the contents of the juice/powder mix, i continued to read some stuff on a dxm website, listened to a bit of music etc. waiting for the effects to kick in. I had eaten a tuna salad about 2 and half hours before i dosed, and one ginger capsule about 30 minutes before to counter any possible nausea. There was no nausea throughout the experience.
T+30: something is happening. much the same feeling as on shrooms where you can't put your finger on what that 'something' is.
t+45: Decided to lie down on my bed. My heartbeat has gone up. I'm slightly nervous and feeling a bit stoned. Things start spinning slightly. After a few minutes i decide to try and stand up to test my body's reaction. The familiar sensation of rubber legs is back and not yet bad enough to make me worried. I put a chair in front of the staircase to make sure i would not fall down the stairs, since there is no door at the top (thankfully i did not fall over once during the trip to my own surprise). I was feeling pretty good so i decided to already take a beer out of the fridge for later consumption (i took one or two sips and decided it was not at all nice tasting so i left it).
T+ 70: motor skills are now severely impaired. I'm shaking a lot and my neck starts to hurt. I cannot sit or lie still and from this point on i'm completely restless for a good 8 hours. My vision was at this time still ok. I could still focus if i tried, but things began to spin more and more. I was not yet worried about the course of the trip and i even found myself hoping for some pretty intense (visual) effects.
T+ 90: from this point on, i was no longer able to write stuff on my little notebook log. The drug had taken hold of me and i decided to lay down and go with whatever would come. My heartbeat started to go up to the point where it freaked me out and i tried to calm myself down with some music, but music could not comfort me. It sounded familiar, but flat, bland. Not evoking images or thoughts, nothing. There were obvious tempo shifts which i could not comprehend, but the pitch remained normal. The familiar thoughts started to come over me: 'why again am i doing this?' 'why this high dose?' and as the trip grew stronger i found myself worrying that i might be allergic or hypersensitive to the substance. Time crawled as slow as i had never witnessed before. minutes seemed as long as hours and i realized i would be in this situation for a long time, awake and uncomfortable. I did not keep track of time anymore and from that point on it was a long semi-bad trip with bouts of introspective thought, gaining some interesting insights, but none that really stayed with me until now, although maybe subconsciously.
For the first time in my life i started to understand what the seperation of mind and body could be like. I have never witnessed this on mushrooms so this was new for me. There was no shock, but i realized i was clinging on to my ego and this then led to me slowly trying to fathom the possibility of death. It would be a shitty way to die. I had things to look forward to (i'm starting a new job in a week and i've been waiting for it for years) and i wondered how people would find me and if they would be thinking i purposely OD'd on a bunch of pills. I could not let go of life and started to construct artificial conversations with people i felt i had to explain things to. Sleep came to me from time to time, and when i closed my eyes, not yet having any visuals, i daydreamed for minutes, waking up sweating, not realizing exactly what was going on, for i dreamed that i had taken DXM and i was dreaming about dxm in a dream and so on. After what seemed to be like many hours, only 2 or so had passed. I decided to put on music again, but it still sounded flat (complete lack of bass) and unemotional. I could easily recognise all the tracks, but they still had no meaning.
Maybe a movie would be a better idea. Lost in Translation seemed like the only possible option (i had listened to air - alone in kyoto) but for the first time it did absolutely nothing to me. I imagined bill murray on dxm, as he also awkwardly conversates in a world where everything is strange. I left the movie playing, but in the meantime i started crawling back to bed, pausing on the floor, lying there, lying against the wall, crawling to the bathroom. The mirror was unavoidable. There were no severe visual distortions and looking at myself i could not understand why i was feeling so different. I did not see a fool in the mirror although i was half expecting my image to explain to me the reason of this self destructive behaviour. I never lost hope.I convinced myself there was a reason for this torment and that even though i knew part of my brain was dying, other parts were reinforcing, or so i hoped. I was shaking most of the time, and sometimes it got so bad, i had to grab my legs to stop them from trembling so much. I was sure the whole house was shaking with me and i prayed that my entire body would remain strong enough to keep from convulsing, though i could only guess what convulse means, and i guessed it means uncontrollable trembling and possibly passing out. I started to worry more about my heartrate, and breathing because my chest felt really heavy. My grandfather had a weak heart and suffered from asthma, and i was convinced i had triggered something in my body that activated these genes which must have been passed on. Would a heartattack be painful? Could i stop breathing in my sleep? It was no use thinking when no answers would come, so i tried a simple breathing technique to calm myself down and this worked reasonably well.
Finally, a very interesting visual effect took place when i was lying in bed and covered my closed eyes with my hand to create darkness. It was as though i could see through my eyelids and some visuals started to build, but in no way comparable to mushroom visuals. It was much more a dream state over which i had more control. When i let some light fall on my eyelids, i could play with the light and create shapes in my mind. Sometimes when i opened my eyes, i could hold the same image and project it in front of me. Things started to get really weird when i found out the amount of control i could excercise on these 'objects' by moving my hand and trying to grab them or simply force them in a direction or shape only by will.
Still, there were no entities, no things to converse with except myself, so i tested my voice and talked to myself. 'maybe its time to drink some water'. I had no idea of whether i was thirsty or hungry. When i drank i noticed my entire mouth was numb, almost paralyzed, including my throat, and drinking water was like i poured it in someone else's throat. This was not a cool sensation. I kept wondering if i really drank at all, and if i did if i drank too much. Going to the bathroom was hard but i managed so i knew i was not dehydrated. To test if i was hungry i ate a piece of dark chocolate but this was a bad idea. Food and drink was not compatible with dxm i found out, as i hoped it would be similar to a mushroom trip, where the sensation of eating or drinking something can be an almost emotional event.
The computer was on, and numerous times i decided to seek attention from people on msn and soulseek, despite the enormous effort it took to focus on the screen, and point the mouse to the right location. Typing was nearly impossible and when i managed i rambled incoherently, feeling ashamed for having been tempted to try this evil drug and now feeling like a complete fool because of it. I could not get shroomery IRC chat to work and i was getting more and more worried since i was not coming down.
Back in bed, i decided i would try and sleep so i got undressed and pulled the blankets over me. I remember this was a very soothing feeling, to be lying still and in darkness although i was never sure i could fall asleep so i focused again on visuals and this was still interesting.
I woke up a number of times, unable to see the digits of my alarm clock because they were waving and blurring all over the place. Waking up was not shocking but i did notice nothing had changed. My mouth was still numb and i couldnt walk to the bathroom without holding on the walls and chairs. At 6am or so, i decided to stay awake to get up around 45 minutes later, when my sitter friend downstairs was getting ready to leave for the trainstation, to begin his journey to a country about 4 hours by plane away from here. I was far from sober, but i thought i needed some fresh air. When i got downstairs, it took enormous effort to construct a coherent sentence, and i felt ridiculous for saying i wanted to go outside with him, but he understood and so we went. Normally, i would not even consider going out in this state, but it was 7am on a sunday morning, with hardly any traffic and people around. Still it was a tough walk, as i tried to explain how i felt, while probably looking like johnny depp on ether, walking slowly, stopping every now and then to take a deep breath. Crossing the street would have been madness had there been more traffic, and i was worried about the way back, alone. I'm convinced i got some pretty weird looks from people at the trainstation, but when we sat down it was ok. I could still gather most functional thoughts about advice for my friend, since there were going to be some annoying transfers from train to bus and back that day. I felt annoyed to be in this state and i was afraid i was scaring my friend, saying that i really wasn't sure how much longer this would go on. I apologised for my bad timing and he said it was ok. He had not expected me to take something like a major DXM dose so sudden, but he is very understanding and forgiving. For this i am so thankful and throughout my entire trip i realized even more that he is a true friend. He said he was glad i came to the station with him, and after that we hugged and said bye. He would let me know when he arrived and ask if i was ok.
The walk home was horrible. Being alone, i was much more focused on my odd behaviour. I began thinking of excuses should someone address me about it. I would say i had had too much alcohol, and fallen off my bike, that i had not slept and would soon be home. Thankfully it was only a 5 minute walk, but it seemed to take much longer.
I arrived safely, and crawling back into bed was comforting. I fell asleep and to my surprise woke up at 2pm, feeling quite well and even a bit hungry. I was glad to be awake, though very wary of my condition and i was shocked to find i could still not easily regain my balance when standing up. I ignored this and forced myself to eat something, because i felt pretty weak. I then got on the computer, and sought help once again, and managed to contact someone from a different messageboard, whom i know has much experience with dxm, and so the rest of my day consisted of a long conversation about life, dxm and everything, trying to pull myself together and failing. I took a shower, thanked god that i had not slipped and killed myself, and cooked some food, watched 'the woodsman' and went to sleep after trying to get peoples attention in this thread. i am very slowly recovering, but i'm almost sure i still won't be back to normal by tomorrow. I can deal with this because i still have my mind (i wonder what this report looks like from someone else's perspective), most memories, and plain common sense (although the dxm was probably a bad idea).
I do not think dxm is a bad or evil drug but i know it is probably not for me. In many ways it was so much more intense than mushrooms, and this lingering hangover is scaring the crap out of me. I will remember the lesson i have learned and hope i will be able to continue life as i know it. Thankfully there is this community where so many people have gone through the same, sometimes in ignorance, sometimes in search of something. I am still searching, but i am on my way (at least i know dxm is not the right tool for me), wherever it's leading. And when things start to get poetic, intentional or not, that is when i start to lose it. Thanks for listening and be safe. If you consider taking DXM, i'd say research (and a sitter) is absolutely essential.
 dxm capsules.
p.s: i have not coughed ONCE ever since i took these. This proves that they do really work.
Edited by Jeroen198 (04/25/06 11:12 AM)
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