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wonderinwhy
Stranger
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 51
Last seen: 17 years, 1 day
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Violence- Support Group
#5538766 - 04/20/06 06:44 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Im pretty happy with myself, my mindset, etc... But something is weighing heavily, taking all the good away from everything. I have become abusive/ violent towards my girlfriend . Over and over again I have tried fixing it and have thought it was fixed but i guess not. *She is the only person ive physically hurt in over 10 years. Some background about myself: I grew up in a pretty fucked up house (as most people have i guess) My parents fought alot till they got divorced when i was about 7. By fight I mean yelling and screaming at eachother, and my dad would get angry kinda often when i was a kid. He wasnt such a good role model.(My mom tells me my dad hit her in front of me, but either I was too young to remeber, or she is confusing me with one of my siblings) I never have any memories of my parents showing eachother love or kindness, and that makes me kinda sad. All I remeber is them being mean to eachother, yelling at eachother calling eachother names... My dad was a pretty bad role model, but I have forgiven him, and since not talking to him for 4-5 years, I feel like I need to, although i keep putting it off, and dont really like the way he is for alot of things. Same with my mom tho, i guess she doesnt effect me as much as my dad. Dont get me wrong, I dont hate either of them, my mom kinda drives me crazy sometimes(probably because im 20 and living at home, need freedom, independence very badly). My dad said some really fucked up things to me that really hurt me, and I didnt want to turn out like him, but i feel like by not seeing him, that I might. LET ME SAY my father never hit me, And I understand him a little better now that the time has gone by, along with the pain. As for my girlfriend. Her dad hit her mom, her and her brother ALOT when she was a kid. She was also molested (slightly...) and she tells me that someone tried to rape her a few years back. Her boyfriend, and she stayed with him for a few weeks because he said he would kill her if she told anyone or left... So she was fucked up and never got that fixed... (scary for me, little did I know what was waiting behind the love!)
Let me tell you about the first time I was violent towards her. I had just finished hanging out with my best friend at the time (a girl) and she accused me of cheating on her. I was so hurt, so dissapointed, so angry at the lack of trust that i slapped her in the face. She left, then we talked came back together, both apologized. I told her that if I ever felt like hitting her again I would leave her, and that made her sad and scared and she said she didnt care if I hit her..(VERY BAD!) So its not like I was like OK I CAN Hit you!(Although it wasnt then enforced that it was wrong) Fastforward a year...we move in together, too rushed not enough space lots of fighting. Eventually it got so bad were fighting and she punches me in the balls (yes she became violent sometimes too) so i hit her as hard as i can in the leg... Her mom calls the cops ON ME, (not both of us), I go to jail for assault(when we both assaulted eachother). Get the charges dropped because were married. I went to court ordered group counseling( if u can call it that) Where they taught me the valuable lesson of No matter what its never ok to be violent. That doesnt sound very helpful, but if u hear it alot, it really makes sense. Cause your like well i was angry and she did this, but no matter how u feel and no matter how angry u are, its no ok to hurt a man or a woman unless you have to to defend yourself. Well thast good but it didnt stop me from doing it again.
Let me summarize the only way I hurt her now is: Were arguing, she gets really upset/(subconciouslly FEARing that i will hurt her), walks away. I would always go to her and try to talk to her when shes agnry(#1 bad move), and usually will also grab her so she doesnt leave, or try to carry her back to our room so we can talk.(#2 bad move) Well this just makes her more scared, and makes me more upset! Its always her saying let me leave, I dont wanna be here, and me saying chill out I just wanna talk (thats all my intent is just to keep her there(instincts) and talk). But it doesnt work. I end up holding her/ wrestling with her and then usually biting her(WTF?...)Shes so convinced im going to hurt her, I always end up doing it. I know if she was just chill and just talked and didnt hurt me with her words I wouldnt hurt her anymore, its more of a fucked up nervous violence than outright violence. Still wrong none the less! I feel frustrated and stupid, cause I dont want to hurt her but i have so many times. Its not my intent at all. What I need to do is if i feel angry just go away, let the anger pass. Let the love remind us of whats good in ourselves and the world. Im so sick of all this shit, its not ME! Im sick of hurting her the most, cause i was meant to love and protect her. Im sick of everyone around me who gets effected by it, especially for my mom who I love and feel really shitty for involving, and all the negativity that gets her too because of me. I made this thread for others who have / had the same problem for support / advice.
If your gonna say something sexist dont bother. PEACE
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The_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins


Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: wonderinwhy]
#5540040 - 04/21/06 03:21 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Hey. You know what the problem is, but your emotions are getting in the way. I think that you need to learn how to stay calm and rational while talking to your girlfriend. You need to be a gentleman and only show love to her. That doesn't mean have a smile on your face and never say a bad word. It means that when you decide to do something to her or say something to her, you have her in mind - not you. Don't be the victim, always fearful of your wolrd without her. Realize that the good things holding you two together are worth the struggle that it takes to work things out. Would it really be worth it to you to have a relationship if you focused on the jealousy and deceit and anger? You want her to be happy? Then you need to show her respect. If she walks away, don't get pissed. You cannot change someone's mind with irrational actions. Just be cool, take a few breaths, and decide what to do. Or.. if you know what to do, then stay cool and don't escalate things into a big drama.
I found that meditation is a good way to get a hold of myself. You should try it. Same with exercise. You might think that being all hyped up from working out is a bad thing in your case, but if you do it the right way then it will really give you a grounded effect that will let you be relaxed even in a tumultuous situation.
I hope you work things out because it sounds to me like you have some serious issues to deal with. You need to change.
-------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf... Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
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wonderinwhy
Stranger
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 51
Last seen: 17 years, 1 day
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: The_Hobbit]
#5540162 - 04/21/06 06:13 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Yea, I learned from her to get my emotions in the way, and its not the way I wanna be.
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The_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins


Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: wonderinwhy]
#5541196 - 04/21/06 02:14 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I wish I could help you more, but you have to make a difficult change to your character by learning some humbleness or something.
Maybe what you need to do is take a break if you cannot get along with her.
-------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf... Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
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Disco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: The_Hobbit]
#5542756 - 04/21/06 11:48 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Maybe you could say "OK, you can leave, I'll wait for you right here until we can talk about it." Obviously it is really important for you to get things understood, but in the moment maybe you mind becomes too defensive to rationally work through both your, and her, side of the matter. Making immediate plans to discuss things in a bit might satisfy your need while also allowing her hers, which is to have the freedom to back away from a situation she is uncomfortable with.
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wonderinwhy
Stranger
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 51
Last seen: 17 years, 1 day
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: Disco Cat]
#5544181 - 04/22/06 01:47 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Man you guys this girl is really buggin me. Shes changed so much. Giving me ultimatums, which she says she knows is wrong to do, but she doesnt see any other way. This girl keeps hanging up on me, playing games with me. Basically the oppisite of what would help me. How does she expect me to do the right thing to her if she never does the right thing to me.
I went to a festival this weekend, and she said "You probably slept with 7 sluts"(her father had many mistresses). I told her of course I didnt and that she was being crazy, doing the wrong thing, she said "I cant trust you because you hit me." "How can I be with you now[after sleeping with the '7 sluts']". While we talking, her phone rings, and she tells me shell call me back later. And I ask her who is more important that you have to talk to? And she wont tell me, and gets really defensive, and hangs up on me.
I dont know what to do, is it that she just has bad energy, and wont be nice till she gives it all to me? Cause thats what has done it before.
I tell her what we need now the most is caring, love, patience and understanding, not 5 minutes later shes hanging up on me, accusing me of cheating on her.
I dont know what to do.
I was thinking talking to a therapist type, but someone said any liscenced therapist has to report any violence(which is what i would be talking to them about). Anyone know about this?
Edited by wonderinwhy (04/22/06 01:49 PM)
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Disco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: wonderinwhy]
#5544754 - 04/22/06 05:50 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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What's she's doing with her behaviour, according to your description, is taking a manageable wound and trying to tear it so that everything is desroyed. So long as her words are irrational, and you didn't actually sleep with anybody, she is turning all this hate onto herself in a way which she likely knows will destroy a part of her. It's like getting so frustrated that you try to destroy the whole thing instead of work on it, even tho you'll just be left with all the destruction in the end and self pity.
You have to work something out, or carry around scars, and that's no fun. She sounds ver self-destructive at the moment. I doubt she's going to be more receptive to your words next time you call her. Try writing her an email with your thoughts, and think about what reaction each word will have with her. I find it unlikely that at this point you cannot predict her reactions to whichever attitude you chose to present yourself with. Do you really understand her perspective, or are you only choosing to understand it as you think it ought to be understood?
There is terrible bad energy there, and it's obvious that you are trying to move closer to her, but I'm wondering, due to her reactions, if when you talk to her you make it sound as if she's the one who needs to suit your needs, or if you try to figure out how you can suit hers.
My dad was a greatly blind man in his relationship with my mom. He was always looking like the bigger man, always staying calm while my mom got frustrated, but at the same time he was always selfish, ignoring the things about himself that were agitating my mom and acting as if they weren't problems and speaking in a way that suggested that my mom's emotions were wrong and didn't have a basis. I could be wrong, but reading of her outbursts and your constant trying to be rational towards her without results really brings that to my mind. If someone is doing all the right and loving things then how could there not be a positive response from the other person?
Maybe giving her a break to sort her mind out, and then afterwards giving her the time to say everything that she has on her mind while you just listen would be the best. Don't try to make things happen immediately or in a certain amount of time, that's just messing with the other person and the process they need to go through for themselves. Then address each one of her concerns before you try to present your own. It sounds like she might feel emotionally shafted.
Someone's got to start doing the right thing to the other person first, otherwise you'll just be tearing each other apart until you're both destroyed. If there's no intention from either side to pick up the ball then might as well call it game.
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wonderinwhy
Stranger
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 51
Last seen: 17 years, 1 day
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: Disco Cat]
#5545479 - 04/22/06 09:16 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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i dunno man shes just playing lots of games, and wondering why im fucked up. Shes really disconnected... like she cant be honest with me, I dont know. I feel like shes going to take all the good out of me.
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supra
computerEnthusiast
Registered: 10/26/03
Posts: 6,446
Loc: TEXAS
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: wonderinwhy]
#5545582 - 04/22/06 09:41 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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a lot of times when a girl says she doesnt trust you, it is more because she herself has a reason not to be trusted, not to say you have anything to worry about in that area....but its kind of like bullies, they pick on people to seem bigger because the feel so small inside, maybe this is the same thing? Also, i had a problem similar with my wife about 5 years ago, we were in a huge argument and she threatened to leave, when she went and got them i wrestled them away from her. Another few minutes of arguing go by and i end up yelling and throwing her keys at her as hard as i can, it hits her in the leg and split her skin. Immediately i knew it was fucked up what i did. I went to my doctor to ask what was going on with me, because that is just not my style. He said that it was the emotion of my love for her getting in the way of my rational thought process, and vice versa for her. the doc told me i had to find a way to bring down the level of the situation before continuing with it. Since that one time i have never ever done anything physically damaging to her and never will.
What i do to bring the level down is NEVER lose my temper while she is in the same room. If she ever does something to get me to the point where im about to lose it, i simply tell her straight up, if we dont drop this now and cool off im going to snap. Then either me or her will go for a walk or go outside or go run an errand that needs to be done. And once we run into each other again, 99% of the time we come to the realization that what we were arguing about in the first place is pointless.
Main thing for you to remember is you will NEVER control her, she is her own person. The rest of your life she will say things you do not agree with, but arent those some of the things that made you fall in love with her?
Since i adopted this method, we have only gotten in about 4 fights where we actually needed to break, once both your emotions get going and you are yelling in each others faces, you are solving nothing, neither of you will be able to hear the other one out. Take a break, come back to the problem in twenty minutes, and talk it out, not yell it out. Also remember that you have to hear her out as much as you hear her end, come to common road on the issue. This is all the help i really have to offer, hope it helps you guys out.
peace
ps...if you are on this board then you must be 18, so i will assume you are. If you are planning on being with this woman for the rest of your life you two will have to figure out how to work through problems. ALL marriages (hate to use that word, well, relationships works too, this could apply with friends) will have problems, the ones that end in divorce and spite for the other person are the ones that cant figure how to work through problems. Ask yourself if this is the person you want to marry, if your not sure, after how long you have been dating, it may be time to look for another mate.
peace and good luck man
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wonderinwhy
Stranger
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 51
Last seen: 17 years, 1 day
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: supra]
#5545648 - 04/22/06 10:01 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Someone said something about self-destructive, she just calls me and tells me shes going out and she cant talk(to make me jealous). Then she calls me telling me shes coughing up blood cause she ate some pills. THen she tells me to never call her again. Im trying to make sure shes ok, and she tells me i dont care about her and hangs up on me...
I dont know man. I never dealt with this kinda thing before, it seems really childish/ IRRATIONAL to me. I dont like this man....
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wonderinwhy
Stranger
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 51
Last seen: 17 years, 1 day
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: wonderinwhy]
#5545662 - 04/22/06 10:07 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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when i call her she just hangs up
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makaveli8x8
Stranger

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 21,636
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: wonderinwhy]
#5546465 - 04/23/06 02:58 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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not sure if this will help much but here goes.
there's two kinds of anger, implode and explode(you should want the movie anger managment with adam sandler ....seriously man do it)
one is where you hold everything in for a while and then let it all go at once. The other is where you just let it all out a little bit at a time..always exploding on people.
it sounds like possiblely both of you are doing BOTH of these at the same time. I think your always exploding on each other..but you have big issues from your past that you never LET OUT. You are letting it out physicaly not with words.
**************************************************************** I think you two are reminding each other of past people who abused you in various ways. I think she reminds you of your mom, the way she may have treated your dad. So you are attacking your gf..because you feel you should have done something/said something to your mom long ago.
If you mom is still around GO TALK TO HER. EXPLAIN EVERYTHING THATS GOING ON. Once your at peace with your mom...things will be 100% better with your gf. LOVE your mom and you will be able to LOVE your gf. **************************************************************
lastly your dad was a direct role model for you believe it or not. Everyone when young relates to there peers, expesially the same sex. Your sub conscious thinks this is the currect way to behave to women.
Talk to your dad, about what im not sure. i could see how talking to him about this would be harder than with a mother. but purhaps he has another female partner now and treats her better...purhaps seeing this will help somewhat.
find a new rolemodel...or get a good idea in your head how you wish to treat your gf. Find a happy place when you talk to her...think nothing but positive thoughts.
DON"T fight or yell EVER EVER EVER. there's no point, i think when younger you got it in your head that yelling gets your point across better....NO it only makes the other person get more angry or Cave in.
when speaking to your women, don't be defensive just TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.
be consistint...it will take some time, but follow my rules and you WON"T FAIL. at first she will still be very defensive herself...but slowly she will learn. Be the bigger person, instead of always trying to be right, let her win sometimes LET HER WIN at first anyways..eventually years later after you can talk freely without any worrys you can then begain to comprimise with her.
p.s. one last thing, try to laugh at everything in life..at least on the inside so people don't think your crazy...there IS a postitive in EVERYTHING you just have to look for it...its so easy to find negitives...its the cheap easy way out of showing emotion....DON"T BE CHEAP AND EASY...WORK WORK WORK to find the postitive....GL
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  We were sent to hell for eternity Ø h® We play on earth to pass the time Over-population the root of all Evil-brings the Elites Closer to the gates.
Edited by makaveli8x8 (04/23/06 03:01 AM)
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wonderinwhy
Stranger
Registered: 04/17/06
Posts: 51
Last seen: 17 years, 1 day
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Re: Violence- Support Group [Re: makaveli8x8]
#5546846 - 04/23/06 08:46 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I dont think i should have said something to my mom long ago, i dont think that has to do with it. I guess talking to my mom would help, but shes REALLY negative and anytime I talk to her now, its always her saying something negative, me trying to change the subject passively to something positive... I know my dad was my role model, even when i was 15 i was smart enough to know that and leave because I didnt want to end up like him. This girl is also a role model, which is what I keep telling her. The more wrong things you do to me, the harder it is to treat you right too.. Its so fucked up. She calls me and tells me in trouble, purposely overdosing on pills, then hangs up. I call back and she tells me if I call her shell call the cops... I dont know what to do man. Shes so detatched from her feelings, shes really confused man.
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