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leery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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How about that pot?
#5526784 - 04/17/06 08:23 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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This is a post about how my brain/consciousness/body/spirit is and how I want to use herb but I'm not sure anymore about it:
I'm really not sure what to do here.... I miss the herb a lot and have the proper respect for it now to use it spiritually. But I had a real messed up DXM trip that has made me swear off psychedelics until I'm grounded and have some sort of best-friend or lover to do them with........
I go throughout the day thinking/feeling that I'm not particularly real, that I'm in a dream....... very upper chakra oriented..... can't really focus on anything. Have to write an essay question and I just sit there spacing out avoiding it feeling so stupid like I'm an animal. But then I get in my group, and I just say "you know what just BS the essay question" and so I write bam I write so fast so fluently and I KNOW evertyhing I need to say to get a good grade, but it's like I'm not really grounded enough to bring it out....
don't feel confident enough or something. So I'm done writing the essay before the other girl has written more than 4 sentences...... and so I hand it to her and she's like "this is good" and we pretty much use my entire essay but elaborate on it.
and that interaction helps, I'm so out in space that I have access to abstractions but don't know how to take them down (well not really I can speed write and speed type..... but it's the issue of will) but then I just stumble on my words, she asks a question and I'm like "ummm.............. well wait what did I write down?" and then just randomly I'll interject words and corrections into her concepts and we synergize well enough.
and in class space space space space out. I have ADD. I mean ..... but I didn't always have it. I don't know if psychedelics did it or weed did it....
but the only time I feel focused in class is perhaps if I go to class stoned.... otherwise songs are running in loop in my head... I'm thinking about complex issues that bother me that I can't stop thinking about yet have no solution to.... YET I know that there is a solution and that the solution is I'm obsessing...
and my energy. My energy flares up and I don't know what chakras to put it into ....... and I feel like I can reach into other people's energy and feel what it feels like and send them some of mine while taking some of theirs, just to sort of sample out of curiosity, but then I wonder if that's bad...... and I try to ground so I focus on the root and sometimes it helps and sometimes I just feel spaced out and worried.
and weed.
My grades.
My grades suck the less I smoke I mean...... this is the only semester I've really been largely abstinent of herb and I'm just not caring about school, failed a test, don't study and just go to take tests that I know I need to study for (though i kind of did that first semester but pulled off okay grades) weed is just a crutch I guess.... it makes me feel good... I can chill out and even if I get paranoid I still seem to be more productive in my studies when I'm toking it on up... like it unwinds me enough to CARE ABOUT SCHOOL because I know school is just a silly game as most things are, but I'm so focused on the future or the past when sober... but when stoned I'm in that PRESENT....
and songs loop.
I mean the songs I heard today..... okay like..... for most of the day one or two of them was almost always in my head.... then when they went away the other songs I heard today that I had forgotten about went into my head like "the man who sold the world" and when I try to focus someone will say something and what they say makes me think about what they are saying and then what I'm thinking about leads me to think about something else.....
and I can take notes damn fine... I can do it without even looking at my paper sometimes, but as soon as I'm done writing and they start explaining I just tune it out and don't give a damn.
and my chi.
my bad trip.
I want to go back to the sweet herb to just go out to the lake and sit with nature and relax and sort out all the issues in my head but what if the herb trips me out real bad and makes me revisit the bad things and I lose myself? But I don't think I would lose myself that's not like me on herb...
and damn I just keep thinking that I want some herb so much... but then I think dude then it's obviously an attachment, isn't it? But me..... guys will smoke an ounce in a few weeks. I will smoke a half ounce in HALF A YEAR..... of low quality mids! Okay...! I don't smoke much. and since I fucked up my health from smoking I discovered how great eating is, so I'd mainly just eat..... more than once a week? Well I don't really think so. I know how to use it in moderation and that makes it okay.
but what about cops .... what if I buy from these guys (offering a fantastic deal!) and then get busted and a record ruins my future? What about all sorts of things? I need to stay GROUNDED and LIVE MY LIFE... but paradoxically it's when stoned that I feel the most connected to the world like I go out walking and will feel love for humans... and I'll just look at patterns and notice things and be like "yeah that's fun" but it also kind of spaces me out too.....
hummm!
See I mean the answer must be "no don't do it" but I think it helps me in some ways. But what if the ADD and spaciness is simply from too much herb combined with little to no quality social interaction and rare (almost NEVER) exposure to touch?
I mean I know what I want.... I want to buy a nice ounce... cook 3/4 of into some butter...... keep 1/4 for occasional tokage....... have a great time over the summer chilling out ..... just being lazy...
but maybe even working a job if I can get one (but then they DRUG TEST which is abhorrently evil and cruel) and you know.
I dunno I WANT weed..... I know how to use it right.... but the other issue is I'm really leaning toward Buddhism and the Buddhists are against any intoxicants, and no I don't consider weed an intoxicant.... I consider it a teacher but something easily abused and stripped of any spirituality..... but....... I don't think that's what they mean.
and i feel on the brink of attaining some sort of realization that would make functioning as a normal person hard like my third eye might open or something and I don't really want that. I want weed for fun mainly but a spiritual fun, like being at a lake and doing tai chi and just goofing off but being peaceful and going swimming and exercising kind of fun.
and i suppose i can use it that way, but at the same time I suppose it will accelerate energy processes and my energy needs to be routed into the lower chakras because I'm not able to understand all this spiritual evolution, synchronicity, etc, it's too much for me.
but i like marijuana.
if it were legal i'd have it right now... probably....... marijuana is my BEER.... because I dont' like alchool... it's my chill out and alter your brain a little bit........
HUm!
and you know when I got stoned, I would be like "you ARE a Buddhist and you have to be one" and I'd understand it so clearly but then I'd get sober and be like "ahhh whatever....." so it's like...... it helps me learn and if I trust what I'm learning.... but I'm also kind of afraid of things right now so I don't know.
long post, just trying to convert my mind into text.
I mean in weed I'm tuned into that meditational experience and it's so good, and sober I'm not tuned into anything not even myself, the songs and thoughts just keep looping and I don't feel NOW....... weed makes me feel NOW and when I took one puff once and sat and followed my thoughts I actually managed to enter a meditational state where thoughts came up but I knew what they were before I thought them so I just sat THOUGHTLESS and gawked in the mirro and the simple marvel of it for like 15 minutes and I was like "this is so amazing I need to meditate" but...
meditate sober? I don't know.... meditate stoned? Quite nice. and that's a problem isn't it? because then isn't it escapism? Or is marijuana use as a means to altered states as legitimate as doing it on your own? It can't be as meritorious since you are using external influences to assist in the meditation........
-------------------- I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo! ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!
Edited by leery11 (04/17/06 08:27 PM)
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bobjones
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Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 999
Loc: Tx
Last seen: 8 years, 3 months
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: leery11]
#5527154 - 04/17/06 09:43 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
I mean in weed I'm tuned into that meditational experience and it's so good, and sober I'm not tuned into anything not even myself, the songs and thoughts just keep looping and I don't feel NOW....... weed makes me feel NOW and when I took one puff once and sat and followed my thoughts I actually managed to enter a meditational state where thoughts came up but I knew what they were before I thought them so I just sat THOUGHTLESS and gawked in the mirro and the simple marvel of it for like 15 minutes and I was like "this is so amazing I need to meditate" but...
meditate sober? I don't know.... meditate stoned? Quite nice. and that's a problem isn't it? because then isn't it escapism? Or is marijuana use as a means to altered states as legitimate as doing it on your own? It can't be as meritorious since you are using external influences to assist in the meditation........
sober meditation is the way to go. smoking and then meditating is great and all because it feels amazing, but if your mind is racing and youre trying to do something about it being stoned isnt helping anything.
once i got better at doing it sober, thats when everything started falling into place. whenever my mind was racing or i was stuck in a thought loop, meditation would take care of it. it feels so amazing to have a clear and calm mind after having it racing for so long. and once you get a taste of this, it will be that much easier to lay off the green, or any other drug for that matter.
just approach it with an open mind, while not concentrating on the results. they will come with time and much patience..
-------------------- "Outside of a dog a book is a man's friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read" -Groucho Marx
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Simisu
taken by gravity


Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
Loc: Israeli in
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: bobjones]
#5528507 - 04/18/06 07:39 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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there's nothing wrong with using weed as a teacher but you must never feel guilty or wrong doing it.. otherwise it's not gonna help! i used to smoke out of being boared and ended up hating it because i was still boared only stoned so i kept thinking bad things and feeling frustrated with my self for making all the wrong choices
other times my whole being felt right about smoking and that was great... that was when i learned things and was able to bring them back to the sober side it takes alot of time and practice (in my expiriance anyway) to know when is the right time... i still get it wrong sometimes because i love weed like the next man  last time for example i was offerd some random smoke... i was pretty close to refuse only they said it was jaras (and i ain't missing out on that) but i knew i shouldn't and indeed i ended up feeling bad about it
i don't know about chakras and stuff (it's just another way to explain things...) but you really don't sound "grounded" on anything... being focused in school isn't easy and dosen't come naturally to anyone i think. you have to be very interested in what's being said and keep out all distractions (and that's impossible when you've got all those issues going on in your head) but that's natural i think... everyone struggles with aspects of their own life/existance and prograsivly so in our modern society (just imagine a student 200 years ago... all he had on his mind was a few friends family books and passtimes while we think about a zillion things all at once... we have so much information we have no idea how to deal with it) but maybe most of these issues are moote? maybe most of this information has nothing to do with your phyisical well being, with what's ACTUALY happening?
get your prioreties straight... yuo sound like you put too much pressure on your self for being who you are... too many defenitions and conseptions on something that's basically ever changing! once you'll feel comfertable about yr self others will comfortable with you... you sound like an interesting enough person! let all this bullshit go and just dream away untill you find your ancores untill you feel you've got what to catch on to! don't be afraid to be in a daze....
and about the pot? yeah it's good... yeah it's fun... yeah it makes you feel NOW... but we're not ment to be stoned all day! learn to use it and learn how to learn from it!
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   Shr mery    Visit & Support Free Spore Ring Earth Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum
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leery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: Simisu]
#5528738 - 04/18/06 09:45 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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Honestly my inside says it's okay to use based upon how I know to use, so the only thing standing in my way is THE MAN.
Why can't we trade? How about I can use pot legally but if I ever posess alcohol, that's against the law? I might trade that.
So I don't know ..... don't know at all. I mean so I went to yoga today, she said it's really important to be grounded before you work on upper pursuits, and we worked on the root and sacral plexus.... she said to enjoy pleasure without overindulging in sensory perceptions.....
sounds good. and i thought to myself. why deny yourself pleasure? Now I LOVE delicious foods, like say, cake.... but I don't eat cake very much.... not much at all..... I mainly am starting to eat healthy. But I still now and then enjoy a good ice cream sundae or something good to eat. Just like television is bad but I occasionally enjoy a good cartoon....
why can't marijuana be the same? It fucks me up real bad if I smoke it all the time. If smoking is done just once in a blue moon and I mainly eat it, and that's done rarely too... where is the harm?
So it's like an issue of denying myself pleasure so I can "ascend" or become "enlightened" faster because.... I feel like tai chi helps me with my chi more than pot would.... so I should just do tai chi for hours on end..... but then I think well you can still do tai chi but what is wrong with the occasional herb session? I like plants! I like outdoors.
I like being stoned.
I don't do it a lot.
But damned if I'm not a little apprehensive about buying it, you know? Why would a man put me in jail for doing this? I just want to be peaceful and progress at my own pace, while having a substance that is both recreational and spiritual to use on occasion. Is that bad? No.
-------------------- I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo! ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!
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Simisu
taken by gravity


Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
Loc: Israeli in
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: leery11]
#5528769 - 04/18/06 09:55 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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well... perhaps if you're worried about the man you should avoide it for the time being? when you settle down at your own place you can start a grow and pretty soon you're self sufficiant!
don't be bothered so much about the "he said she said" bullshit  do what YOU feel is right!
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   Shr mery    Visit & Support Free Spore Ring Earth Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum
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leery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: Simisu]
#5529083 - 04/18/06 11:44 AM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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growing would worry me about the man more! that's a felony and not something likely for the cops to say "well we'll just throw this plant away"
according to our chief he's thrown away a lot of bags and we don't have many cops looking for drugs, and they don't LOOK for personal users....
the issue is just buying it I guess and transporting it.
i'm thinking of waiting until we get a medical marijuana program.
-------------------- I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo! ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!
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Simisu
taken by gravity


Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
Loc: Israeli in
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: leery11]
#5529406 - 04/18/06 12:52 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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growing it means no one knows about it... it's much safer then buying it IMO... no one's gonna be bursting in your house without you getting cought first (and that's not supposed to happen if you're smart... unless you're very unlucky)
but things are diffrent for you i guess so again... do what you feel is right
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   Shr mery    Visit & Support Free Spore Ring Earth Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum
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Jackattack
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Registered: 01/16/06
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: Simisu]
#5533437 - 04/19/06 12:11 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I have the same problem of not being able to live in the present. Yesterday I was asking myself "How does one do it? How can I live in the present?" I can imagine what it would be like but I can't get my mind up to a high enough level to do it. I'm still learning though and if I find out Ill share it with you.
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Disco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
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Re: How about that pot? [Re: leery11]
#5534736 - 04/19/06 06:33 PM (17 years, 9 months ago) |
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I'm like you leery, but I kind of feel like I've given up on trying to figure my way out. I still fight things, mostly with mantras, but I sometimes feel like the only solution is to live a perfect life, and then there wouldn't be all these worries. Justifying yourself to the worries does nothing to help, and neither does admitting to them. Deciding the worries don't matter and you love yourself as you are seems unsatisfying because yo want to be better than those faults. I dunno, it's very confusing to me.
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