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Invisiblepoke smot!
floccinocci floofinator
Male

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 5,248
Medicated reality?
    #5509571 - 04/12/06 07:35 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Hi everyone,
I'm posting this as a sort of update and inquisition into my state and brains. Please read, this is not just a rant, but an honest post needing honest advice.

Update since <a href="/forums/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=support&Number=5346334&Searchpage=1&Main=5346334&Words=+poke+smot%21&topic=&Search=true#Post5346334" target="_blank">last P&MWB post/plea</a>: More school, I got stable, got some financial aspects squared away, became the only tech at work, got a raise, and in a nutshell ended up on:
100mg lamictal a day, 200mg seroquel at night, 1500mg depakote ER a day.

And now, ladies and gents, here is my inquisition!
Last weekend I once again strummed the metaphorical "bipolar" rubber band by opting out on taking seroquel friday and saturday. Hey, it was my time to PARTY because (and here's an excuse) it was my birthday.

I usually skip friday's dose anyway, and drink (more often), trip (less often), or both (as less often), or none (not often). I usually am OK.

Now, when you strum a rubber band, or guitar string, or whatever, it reverberates, more at first, but then calming down. So I missed class monday, tuesday, and today because of bad dreams, waking up feeling like I already said fuck it to school, and I've been in shit-for-mood during the day. I'm in a decent mood now, once again.

My main ailment is that I have a research paper due at the end of the month, and finals, and it really SUCKS that my brain has become sludge, probably due to the meds. I mean, that's why I abstain from them on the weekends (or at least the seroquel): I get creative. I get like I like to be. I think about really cool shit, shit I like, the way things work, life, the universe, and everything. My mind goes scientific.

Originally the idea was that my mind would keep going, analyzing shit into a state of beyond-useful, to being depressed.

Maybe I'm feeling not-depressed, mainly ok or content, sometimes elated or minorly happy. But this is all due to a state of nonawareness.

This is why I skip out on fridays, and trip sometimes. But I'm feeling a giant crush of brainpower from the meds. Plus, the cause of the little depression dip earlier this week was feeling like, SHIT I need to get on with life, go to full time school, and get my edumication.

But REALITY CHECK! My brain is so damn slow, that I can't even think of a cool analogy to make this sound witty or thoughtful. My attention span is nil. And, interpersonal connections in real life and here on this forum have dissolved into the sea of null because I have no substance to base my conversations on.

Thanks if you read all that, please advise: I'm tired of being dumb as a brick and slow as molasses on a 15 degree incline in coat weather.


Edited by poke smot! (09/07/20 02:20 PM)


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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
Re: Medicated reality? [Re: poke smot!]
    #5509663 - 04/12/06 08:12 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I was on the same diet of pills except for the depakote. I stopped takin them cus I ran out and my folks wouldnt pay for my therapy anymore. My problem was I wasnt quite thinking widely, I used to get up in the morning so angry about absolutely nothing I would go into frenzies breaking objects I loved. I missed half a year of school cus of this, and now that I look back I regret it soo damn much. But it was necessary, and it led me to a solid mental recovery.

Like its fucked up that peoples states of minds just creeps up on ya, the day when things arent soo bad, I look back on these mistakes and say "shit I was being a damn fool" I dont know if I really was, but the positive reaction always seemed to be something of embarassment over my minds natural flow of negativity to superiority.

The pills never really did anything to me in this case, because it was the goal which I was acting upon that was my mental limitation. Truth is, I live better without having a goal. Like when I cant fight the fact that everything is all fucked up for that reason, I just accept the fact that its my brains pharmaceutical schedule. Theres a button deep inside our brains that just makes you happy, then sad, then happy, then sad. We all wish we can rip our own heads apart to do some special wiring, but it aint gonna happen. As hard as it is to accept our insignificance, our simplicity. Every aspect about ourselves is soo temporary, who knows, maybe you can find that specific hour that you can focus and finish your research paper.

In a wider perspective, we can find perfection out of a life with ups and downs; who wants to read a book about a fuck thats been happy his entire life. A great deal of my happiness comes from knowing that this is a situation in which I dont have to suffer, but in order to be aware of it I must suffer myself. I think every individual has their way of interpreting this bargaining of moods. The thing about the dramatic aspect of our lives that we need, is that there really is no middle, we are always feeling one way over another.

Try not to be a victem to the spoils immediate experience and just find yourself with time. Forgive me if you cant relate, but keepin your chin up never hurts.  :smile2:


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins
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Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
Re: Medicated reality? [Re: Jon]
    #5510998 - 04/13/06 02:38 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Hi, PS.

I never took medication for exactly that reason. I know it would help me, sure. I know that I can't function sometimes. But that is only under certain circumstances. The solution is not to take medication, but to understand the circumstances and adapt.

I bet.. you are a perfectly intellectual, intense, and engaged person when the right thing comes along. But when it comes time to do some boring stuff that you don't want to do, it's like there is a total change. You have no passion to do it.

This is where your balls come into play. You figurative balls, that is. This is where you have to gut things out. And I bet that, over time, you have proven to yourself that you just cannot do that.

I make these assumptions because that is exactly how I am. So, if that is the case, please take my advice.

Exercise + meditation = the keys to a thoughtful existence.

Every morning when you wake up, exercise for an hour or two. Then meditate some time later in the day or go for a walk or something as needed, to keep yourself going.

That is how it has to be, bro. This is the only way that I've found to be confident about myself. It comes down to how your body works. How your metabolism functions. Chemical and electrical processes. How you think, how you feel, how you ARE. Your awareness. Reality is what you make it. The only way to make it something great it to work at it every day. All the time. There is no room for fuck-its or not following your intuition. If you don't plan to succeed, you will not acheive. School is a huge responsibility and you need to realize what you're undertaking.

www.bronzebowpublishing.com
This is a great exercise system. I seriously suggest that you try it out. Don't hesitate to ask me for help.

P.S. There is also the deeper questions about life. Like.. are we something greater than our physical selves? If not, is there some greater system of life that we are part of that we can tap into? Are there different levels of awareness? How does the life around us effect us?

I cannot tell you the answers to these questions, but I can assure you that exercise and meditation will give you your own ideas about all this! =D And that is vitally important. To evolve, never stagnate.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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InvisibleSimisu
taken by gravity
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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
Loc: Israeli in Flag
Re: Medicated reality? [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5512029 - 04/13/06 11:43 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

i argree with hobbit...
fuck i'm probably more disfunctional right now then most people around here, but i've had times where i kept my self going and felt great!
i did stuff i enjoyed, kept away from weed (only induldged when it felt RIGHT... and that's VERY importand) kept my self active...
but at the first sign of truble i backed off... i encapsulated my self into my self once again insted of having some balls and proving myself to myself!

it's much more simple to just brake down and say "fuck it! nothing makes any diffrance anyway as long as i keep feeling like THIS!@#%$#$"
but the truth is... hell yeah! it makes all the diffrance in the world ... once you deal with everything and come on top!

i've refused therapy for a long time because of all these reasons... yeah it might help but i have to do it on my own! as tough as it may be and as long as it takes me...
maybe i'm being stubbern and silly about it but i see no other way right now.

you have to build your self as YOU want to be and give a shit about everyone alse... just KNOW that all these unexplained feelings are uneccery and nonbeneficial...
sometimes i think i like being depressed simply because it's so powerfull, simply because i don't know how to be happy or how to enjoy my self.

break the cycles and "get yr freak on" :tongue:

hope this helps someway...
:sun:


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OfflineBooby
Agent Mulder
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Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 14 years, 1 month
Re: Medicated reality? [Re: poke smot!]
    #5512615 - 04/13/06 03:07 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

I rely on my garden for vitamins A C & E which I tend to get depleted of during the winter months.

4-14
I made a point to pick some dandelion greens to-day. (Chicory leaves look like dandelion leaves except they are furry)


Edited by Booby (04/14/06 04:10 PM)


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OfflineJackattack
Stranger

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 150
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
Re: Medicated reality? [Re: Booby]
    #5515888 - 04/14/06 12:36 PM (17 years, 9 months ago)

Poke smot have you ever considered yourself to be ADD and not Bi-polar? ADD can also give you the symptoms of highs and lows but to a less extreme. Sounds like to me you are having trouble concentrating and feeling incomplete. The feeling of being incomplete is what is causing the depression for you. Do you somedays feel better than others but never great? If so try to get diagnosed by a doctor.


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OfflineRateLimitEnzyme
Stranger
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Registered: 03/25/06
Posts: 48
Last seen: 16 years, 11 months
Re: Medicated reality? [Re: Jackattack]
    #5523648 - 04/17/06 07:41 AM (17 years, 9 months ago)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortions

Recognizing my distortions and restructuring my cognitive process helped me out a bit.


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