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Registered: 08/17/05 Posts: 18,905 |
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This is pretty hard for me to explain in a short space of time, but time doesn't mean much to me at the moment so I'll give it a shot anyway. It's a little hazy and scattered at the moment, as you will see... but I hope it gets the message across. Just take it all with a grain of salt and make up your own mind as to whether I am crazy or not.
Sorry for any spelling/gramatical mistakes, I typed this very fast because I am in a hurry... I will edit and patch it up and fix the mistakes I've made because I know I will make them, but I'll do that later on... and if you see anything you think contradicts something else I've said.. please question it. I'm new to this and I'm trying the best I can to interpret what I've heard... and I know there are some questionable parts in the following story, but you have a choice to decide what is right or wrong, good or bad, so just keep this in mind as you read it... First of all, like many posts before this, a little history is important. My personal life and details aren't that important, but what is important is the fact that I have been totally clueless and ignorant and abusive towards psychedelics beyond my understanding since I've come across them. I'm pretty young, and I believe I am somewhat wiser than some people my age (I'm 18). I have done shrooms once (took a massively stupid dose of roughly 200-300 wet grams), acid about 4 times, DOB at a stupidly ignorant dose (thinking it was weak acid... boy was I wrong), DOI once, ecstacy WAY too many times (whether or not you want to classify this as a psychedelic, it's up to you), kava kava once and smoked a lot of pot over the past few years to the point where it does little to affect me except calm me down a little bit and give me red eyes. The other day, I was lucky and fortunate enough to get 5 free samples of the Albert Hofmann Jubilee print. For the record, it was the bottom row of the prints generic design (Hofmann riding his bike, see my avatar) with the numbers '2000' on the green grass background... this will come into play in it's own little way later... Ever since I've dabbled in drugs, I've been fascinated with dealing. I've been told so many times by everyone that dealers are evil people, but they looked cool and smooth to me and I just wanted to have that power, I suppose and influence over people, and I never really understood why and always wanted to have that image of being the 'dealer', which was stupid on my behalf, and I learnt the other night just how stupid I've been over the past few years in some of the decisions I've made. I've run into the cops because of this, and have been very lucky with the outcome of these, both GOOD and bad things have come out of this, but up until recently I've been a very bad, negative person and that probably affected my day to day karmic balance - I've always been a believer in karma, but have never really followed it and knowingly did bad things always thinking that something bad will probably happen to me later, but I'm a pretty greedy and materialistic person and didn't really care at the time. On my first real experience with psychedelics, I had the mushrooms with my girlfriend. I got messed up and had weird premonitions and apiffanies(sp) and she ended up looking after me for the night. What I saw and learnt that night was beautiful, but I, being an ignorant fuck, didn't really take it all to heart and afterwards I just blindingly continued to find bliss in the psychedelic psyche, which is just a false sense of security that probably died out in the 60's with people who, like me, thought they could have found the bliss just from the drugs themselves. I was always convinced I could 'handle' massive, doses that were bigger than everyone else's, and thought that people who only wanted light trips (level 1-3) were pussies. Each to his own, I suppose, is what I've learnt. The first time I did a substantial dose of what I thought was LSD (turned out to be crazy strong DOB) I took the first dose and pushed my friends into having some with me. We weren't tripping for ages, and I really wanted to trip badly, (DOB takes a long time to do anything...) so I thought they were just weak, and I was 'too strong' for it, so I took another. Big mistake, but either way I got burnt and took it on the chin and just shrugged my shoulders and thought I'll just keep taking these drugs and MAKE myself enjoy them. The DOI experience is probably the closest I've ever gotten to experiencing 'tweaking', and was thoroughly unenjoyable... but again, I learnt my lesson afterwards when I felt and looked like shit and had to work all day after no sleep, little food and still half tripping in rediculous fucking heat. Ecstacy was fun at the time, and I abused it heavily for a couple of months and was misguided by the 'love and peace' feeling I thought I was experiencing, I suppose something was looking out for me and saved me from that problem. If I hadn't been 'fucked over' by our landlord... maybe I'd still be in Melbourne taking dumb amounts of synthetic, unhealthy drugs like that and fucking my life up even more than I was then. On the DOB, I was experiencing very uncomfortable feelings of insecurity, vanity and realising and coming to terms with things about myself that still trouble me to this day, but I've learnt lately to accept them and just ignore the bad parts of them. In my days of recklessness, they bothered the hell out of me and made me feel so insecure and the drugs I was taking was just amplifying my problems and making me feel lik a total loser. The DOB made me see my friends laughing at me, it was a small message that I only just picked up on the other night, but at that time, it was just a 'bad trip' and I would just have to come down and climb the ladder of another trip and try again. My friend Cas had taken a tab of DOB with me that night, and he was freaking out. The visuals were fun, and I suppose that's all I was chasing. I kept forgetting and ignoring the fact that psychedelia is a 'feeling' not just a fun, wild visual experience, it's so much deeper than that... but I kept forgetting it. It's ironic, because every time I've tripped, the drug has kicked me in the balls and I'm left writhing around in my own insecurities saying "holy fuck... I can't understand this... it's a FEELING" and every being blown out beyond description, and the whole time, the drug (or my conscious, you decide) would tell me "You don't find psychedelia... psychedelia finds you, so stop pushing it onto your friends and trying to make them see what you want to see... because it's a lie..." and an important mother figure at the time said at a crucial point in the early stages of the DOB trip "stop analysing it... just ride it" but that scared me as I didn't understand... so the fear escalated to a crazy level. It was saddening that night and the next day to see my good friend Cas freaking out and looking really scared. I felt bad, but I didn't think much of it (stupid me) and just trundled along in my own little bubble, trying to tell people how awesome my night was and blah blah blah, but leaving out the important parts of how scared and fucked up I really was. The next time I got to trip, was again on supposed LSD with a friend of mine. We took it and sat back, I tried to induce fun by hanging psychedelic wall hangings and putting on Shpongle. My friend Dave told me that night "you're so damn obsessed with all this... what are you trying to achieve... what is all this crap?" (the music and wall hangings, that is) I just answered with "it'll trip you out, man" and tried to ride my trip. It was a little easier, and less intense than the DOB... but I was still pretty mind fucked. My friend Cas was on an ecstacy pill that night, and Dave's girlfriend came over to 'watch us trip', so they eventually went to bed and left Caspar and I up talking all night. I was slipping in and out of reality, and my friend Cas eventually morphed into a projected version of what I thought at the time was god, and I sat there in awe talking to him, and I was trying to understand what he was telling me, but I was too mindfucked to understand. He dropped little hints, and it was like I was sitting in heaven, or nirvana at the end of time and space and everything physically real, and I got really close to... touching something, like a defining moment... a point where bliss meets conciousness... (the Michelangelo image of Adam and God nearly touching each other is an excellent interpretation of what I'm trying to describe) and from that point where I nearly touched it, my mind started spiralling backwards, and I was lapsing in reverse, ( do you remember "life is backwards"?) like I was being thrown back through the end of time back to reality... this was when I started coming down, and it was a bad, negative come down and I felt like shit.I'm not sure what it was and I guess I will never know as long as I am still alive, but the important part was that the impression I was getting was that I was being evil because I felt evil. Little messages slipped through like "tell the humans that god has won", "life is backwards", "you've been living (in) a lie". I felt like I'd experienced something beautiful, and that night I swear I witnessed a glimpse of heaven and the universe, but this god and heaven I am talking about is not what you think you understand or have been told about in the christian/catholic/7th day adventist sense or whatever, but the personal bliss (I will get back to this later) that we all try to achieve. Again, I woke up and failed to understand what I had been told. I ignored what I saw and just laughed and said something like "man, I was tripping so hard last night... I thought you were god or something, weird huh?" I guess Cas looked at me and shook his head, but that's ok... it would get better. That was about 2 or 3 months ago, and I didn't trip after that until about a week ago... I shared 1 Hofmann with Cas on Tuesday night..., we cut it in half. We had some pipes and chilled out, I guess I wasn't mindfucked enough for the 'righteous premonitions and appifinies(sp)'. but I felt agitated because I wasn't 'hallucinating' and seeing colours and walls breathing or whatever, but Cas (or was it god?) was dropping hints saying things like "i'm just enjoying it", "I'm just riding it" and whatnot, but I got restless and went to bed listening to Shpongle and Shulman. The music sounded beautiful and magic that night, and I was having 'CEV's' as you call them, but I was having rides through a empty void in my mind I'd never seen before, and it was like the starfield screensaver on Windows, and it was amazing because usually my thoughts on drugs like that are just clouded, hazy, not well defined and scattered, but this was somewhat peaceful... again, I woke up and felt disappointed that I didn't trip, but I enjoyed it a little more than my previous experiences. Now, on to Friday night. (If you are still reading this, well done, I suppose, it gets better from here) I was supposed to save 2 Hofmanns for Dave and myself, and we were supposed to have them tonight (Sunday), but on Saturday I took my stash or the 3 remaining tabs and a little bit of weed. I wasn't planning on taking anything that night, I was just carrying them around for security so they didn't get stolen. The night started out quiet, Cas's brothers were on a little holiday and I hadn't seen them for ages. Cas had to work so I decided to spend the night with the brothers. I went around the their girlfriends place and catch up with them. We started drinking. We had a lethal cocktail mix of Absynthe, Vodka and cheap Champagne. I'd drank Absynth twice before, and I forgot how much of a creeper it is... it takes ages to hit you, and you think you're fine and relatively sober until 6 shots hit you all at once. The night tore on, and a bottle of absynthe, 1/4 bottle of vodka and 3 bottles of champagne later, I was more pissed than I planned on getting. With alcohol, inhibitions generally go out the window and common sense abandons you and leaves you fending for yourself. As drunk as I was, I offered Josh and his girlfriend an acid tab to share. Fuck it, I had 3, as long as there were 2 left it was fine to give on to someone else... They agreed (they both had gone pretty much abstinent from drugs, and Josh had vowed he'd never touch drugs again because he didn't want to be a druggie) and they both had half each. Stupid drunk me decided it would be cool to take one too, I'll just leave one for Dave... I'll be his sitter or something... don't know... too pissed... I want to trip... maybe these Hofmanns are more powerful than all the others... I put a tab in my mouth and kept drinking. I got more and more pissed and decided to pull the pipe out and offer everyone a pipe or two. Everyone agreed (much to my surprise) so we sat around and had some pipes. Jem, Josh and the girls got really, really high (they hadn't smoked pot in ages) and I was just pissed and a little stoned. After about 40 minutes (felt like forever) I figured the acid must have degraded to being bunk in the mail, or I was still had tolerance from Tuesday night. I was about to take the other one, but decided against it (thank goodness) as I wanted Dave to have it... I didn't want to be greedy... Everyone went inside except Jem's girlfriend and I, and we just sat out and smoked more cones and sank more piss. Then Caspar showed up, totally out of the blue. He was supposed to be at his girlfriends and we weren't expecting him to come around at all. It was surprising and somewhat comforting, as I was unsure that I wanted to sleep on a couch around a bunch of pissed and stoned giggly, bubbly people. They were rolling around inside, and Josh's g/f had gone to a nightclub to enjoy her half tab and see some friends or whatever. Cas, Jem's g/f and I sat outside and just powered throug the weed and Josh went to bed and "played with the colours" (he had a lot of fun that night) I looked at a fence, looked at the ground and felt this familiar yet daunting feeling wash over me, I felt winded. I looked up at the fence, and it seemed to stretch away for ever. The acid had hit me, and I think the absynthe had crept up on me and bashed me over the head at the same time. I felt like I was about to pass out. I was way out of my comfort zone and also way over my head. I said to Tegan "I think... I need... to... go... inside" and struggled to stand up, knocking a table over and walked inside. The people inside were laughing, falling down and just looked like a bunch of innocent kids on their first time on pot. I felt guilty. What had I done to these people? What was I doing to them? Why did I want them to have weed with me? Or acid? What the hell was I doing? I sat in the corner and just tried to watch what was going on. I wasn't seeing any visuals, for which I'm glad now, but I was overcome with total mindfuck. I listened to the conversation, but I had a feeling that everyone was laughing at me, looking at me... what had I done wrong? What did I do? Was I naked? Did I stand there and wave my dick at them? What the hell was happening? Why am I so insecure? I had to go outside. Maybe a cone will calm me down... I go up and walked out. I sat down and had a couple of pipes. Caspar came out and sat down, and he had that glow about him again... like it wasn't the every day, simple, humble Caspar, but some holy figure there to kick my ass again. I felt pretty bad for pushing these drugs onto these kids, and I was regretting it. The conversation started out, like all conversations I ever remember, about me. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked. "No man, you haven't done anything." Cas replied. "Was I like, standing there naked, or something?" "No man, you weren't. You look totally fine. You look normal." "I feel like everyone is laughing at me" "Nobody is laughing at you, they're just having fun and giggling." I looked inside. He was right, Jem and Tegan were rolling around on the floor laughing and enjoying each others company and whacky highness. "Are you sure?" I asked again. "No man. Stop thinking that people are laughing at you. Stop thinking that people are looking at you all the time. They're just in their own little world. Let them be. They're just high as kites, thanks to you." Some apiffanies(sp... how the fuck do you spell the world) started coming to me by talking to Cas. They were comforting, and talking about them helped. Just little things again, like ?you shouldn?t push these drugs on to people. Psychedelia finds you, you don?t find Psychedelia??, ?Stop fighting it?? personal things that I?ve been trying to tell myself for so long began looking a whole lot clearer. I began to realise that I?d been lying to myself for so many years. I?d always known and had a feeling that I was being a bad person, but my friends always told me ?I was a good guy?, so I learned and adapted to being a shit person to MYSELF ultimately, and living a lie. Ignoring the screaming voice inside me saying ?stop being such a dickhead!? Other little things came through, mostly personal stuff and other little messages that I?ll explain later. The weirdness trudged on through my head, the discomfort grew to submission and for the first time, I shut the hell up and listened to what I was being told. The first time on Mushrooms, the alien entity showed me the universe and the first major important points on a large, violent, sickly scale. I was going in the way of ending up being drug fucked. This entity was telling me things I knew but ignored (see mushroom trip report? link at the bottom). It was showing it to me in the best way I could have possibly seen it, it would have been so much easier on me now if I?d listened to it then, but lessons are hard learnt and I had a long road of learning to be done (I guess these drugs were my teachers in the end), besides, I wanted to trip all the time? **Interuption** the first job I ever had, my supervisor wrote in my report after my trial that I had ?trouble seeing the big picture? now that I've got an idea of what the picture might have been, I realise that was a freaky coincidence and another one of those little messages that have been left throughout my life for me to pick up on and remember? ** After some quiet discussion, and all the weed was gone, Cas said ?I think it?s time to go home?? I looked back inside, and saw that Jem and Tegan had gone to bed, we were the only ones left awake, so we left and went back to his place. We got back and went inside. We sat down, and kept talking, or more to the point, I kept listening (finally?). I learnt that good will always triumph over evil, god had won, but not the god we think we know and understand, because we don?t understand. We have this unfathomable feeling that the bible, chritianity, jesus, the pope, the church? it all looks like a lie. Well, I hate to tell you my honest opinionated truth, but it is. It?s a fa?ade. It?s dressed up bullshittery. It?s proven time and time again that all the ?church? ever does is fuck up and cover up. No amount of ceremonies can hide the ugly face that?s hiden behind the lies. God is a lie, because there is no god. God is our misinterpretation of GOOD. God is minus 1 ?o? from Good. We have been mislead and told to believe in a god, give money to the church? get down on your knees and do rediculous rituals that have little meaning and no purpose other than to make ourselves feel better about the bullshit we do every day. We can kill a man, confess to a priest and feel better about it, being told that it?s ok? say 20 hail Mary?s and donate 10% of your life saving to the church. I always had a feeling that this whole religion thing was a lie, and I?ve always had somewhat of a gift with words, but I?ve never known what to do with it, but I?ve always felt like I?ve had to expose the lie to people, the lie they?re living, the lie I?ve been living? the lie that?s on us every day. It?s obvious, the world is coming to an end, and all we can do now is recline and fall further into damnation, greed and proverbial moral sodomy. I?ve also always felt that there is a higher power, but I have no right to describe it. It?s not my job, I?m not THE BOSS, I?m just a messenger, or something along those lines, so I?m not going to tell you what?s right or what?s wrong about whoever is the big guy in the sky, I just want to expose the bullshittery of these ?false prophets?, because ultimately, that?s what they are. It?s up to you to decide and find out what GOOD really is. It?s taken me a long time to find out, but I feel like I have some kind of idea of what?s actually going on. The little messages again ?just tell them that god won? ? my interpretation : Basically? we?re fucked. The world is polluted beyond repair. We know this, but do nothing about it. ?Evil? has raped the earth, so everyone who lives in this shit can have it when they die. The good people, will go on to whatever they believe is their personal heaven, nirvana, or whatever. Karma will decide. This runs into ?Life is backwards? ? backwards from that point of nearly touching something, I was lapsing backwards. The world was in decline, going to shit. All I can do is just spread the word of the importance of being 'good' so you can SAVE YOURSELF. There is no god to do it for you. None of this 'god's word' bullshit, because that's all it is. It's a bunch of moral messages that a group of die-hard god-botherers took the totally wrong way and used it in their favour to rape the earth and turn everyone into slaves to the church. Ultimately, evil is working through the church. These are the false prophets you have heard about, and they are staring at you right in the face. "God won" means that good will triumph over evil, eventually and all I can do now is try and tell as many people to stop living in this lie and move on. Fuck God, just be good. My lie is, ironically, everyone else's lie. I'm not saying I'm the next messiah, I'm just the messenger. I've been told this in my own lesson and I feel I need to tell everyone else. I've always had this problem with wanting to tell the whole world about everything that happens to me, and it's never really done me any favours until now. I want to be a journalist, a writer, travel and tell people what the fucks going on, but steer well clear of telling them WHAT or who to believe in, just be a good person, like those arabs were trying to tell us about 2000 years ago... (Albert Hofmann 2000 Jubilee...?) I have more to write, in the way of what I'm saying just here, but this is my trip report, so I'll finish it up so I can get the fuck to bed... As the night wound down... Cas and I sat up and talked further. More and more messages like what I've already said came flooding to me so fast that I barely had time to think about them before the next idea would come and punch me in the face again. Cas didn't talk for a while, and put a movie on, but turned the TV off and left the stereo on so the soundtrack was playing. We sat there, not saying a word, listening to the music from the movie. Usually, the music would 'trip me out', but this time, I was just thinking over what I'd just been told, and the music was just background noise to kill the silence. Cas was looking at me with this smile on my face, like he'd finally gotten through to me. Every now and again, we would look at each other and nod, then look away and float back off into the thought. At that point, we were one person, he was my conscious, my guide, my guardian angel, if you will. He was always there through all my bad times, my raids, my crimes, my tears and what have you, and he always made me feel better eventually, but Saturday night, I felt like a child again. After about what seemed like eternity of nobody saying anything, Cas said "so man, can I have that last acid trip?" Usually, the temptation to want someone else to experience this craziness would be so strong, and I'd give it away to anyone with money or my trust. I'd done it that night already, and felt bad about it afterwards. He looked at me with a smile. I looked at the last remaining acid trip in my hand, and thought for a second. The good side of my conscious was finally starting to come through. "Nah man" I said. He didn't say anything. He just looked at me with an angelic grin on his face, and a happy spark somewhere in his eyes. He got up off the floor and looked down at me. "Good man." he said, "that's awesome", smiled and walked off to bed. He looked really happy, and I knew that he wasn't let down that I didn't give it to him... He was just testing me. I was left sitting there, for a second I had this euphoric feeling like I had finally made the right decision. Done something good. Kept someone away from something I barely know myself. Psychedelia will find him one day, but obvbiously not on my command. I looked at the trip in my hand, and rolled it over my fingers. For fucks sake, it was just a piece of paper with some crazy chemical dropped on it. What's so special about that? Why would I want to make money off something so stupid? Why would I want to push this onto people if I don't even understand sweet fuck all about it myself? In my own company, I felt dewildered. What had just happened? Where have I been the past 6 years? What have I been doing to myself? Why do I need all this crap? The acid trip looked like nothing for the first time. Usually, it would look fascinating and I'd spend time looking at it, amazed by the powers that it held, but I failed to realise exactly what it was that lay inside that fragile molecule. It was nothing, it's not a trip, it's not the visuals... it's a feeling. It's nothing really, just something some scientist invented some 60 years ago. A drug that holds awesome power but has been misunderstood and abused pretty much ever since it was created. It wasn't my place to drop acid, flip out and then invite and force feed my friends and loved ones this drug that I knew so little about. That's where Tim Leary failed and fucked it up for everyone... read about him, and find out for yourself... acid has a fascinating history and has changed the world, in both good and bad ways... it was described by Albert Hofmann as his 'Problem child and wonder drug', which isn't far from the truth, probably for all of us who ever used it. So this was the last trip. One left. Well, I don't want to give it to Dave any more. Fuck that, I'll let it find him on it's own. Without thinking, I put the trip in my mouth. I yelled out to Cas "Do you mind if I listen to music?" He said "no" so I put on Shpongle, swallowed the papery mush in my mouth, curled up in the bean bags and covered myself with a polar fleece blanket. It didn't take long for me to go to sleep. I don't know if the other trip kicked in or not, and frankly, I don't care any more. I'm not sure if I slept or not, but I don't care about that either. I couldn't hear the music because the wonderful music in my head was drowning out all other stimuli in the external world. I floated through my thoughts and let the night sink in. I got up on Saturday morning and felt fucking wonderful. I'd never felt that 'afterglow' that you guys talk about, but yesterday, I felt it. It was beautiful. More relaxing, wonderful and enlightening than any psychedelic trip that I'd ever had. I felt like I was on my way to becoming a good person, that 'good guy' that my friends said I was. It was time to start working backwards and telling people the GOOD NEWS. Last night, we drank again. More vodka and champagne. I told Jeremy about my experience and awakening. He took it all in and I even found a couple more little things about myself whilst I was telling him. He seemed to enjoy our little chat (not sure if he did... I probably sounded like a psycho babbling) We drank all our alcohol and hit the town. What happened last night was both wonderful, weird and comforting at the same time. We went in, and I saw old enemies, old friends, old people I'd never talked to before and the frieds I'd been with for the past couple of nights. I shook hands with people and enjoyed the company, but also enjoyed being alone by myself watching people for the first time. I talked to strangers, told people to be happy, cheer up, it's all good. I saw an old enemy that had used to beat me up in high school. He got kicked out and arrested that night... I knew he was a fuckhead and his karma would eventually get him... I think he got some of it that night. I saw another old enemy from the same school. Said hello, and just acted really nice and pleasant to him. Leigh was with me, and I was giving him more cigarettes than he could smoke, and he was loving it. But he failed to notice that Leigh and I were just forking out 10x more shit to him than he could have handled. He was too drunk, but it felt good and right to be nice, and really mean at the same time to him. He was getting back all the shit he gave me, and he was smiling and laughing with it the whole time. We settled it that we would battle it out on stage at Battle of the Bands at the end of the year... I saw a guy I'd met before being thrown out. He was crying and really upset, and really really drunk. He didn't know why he'd been thrown out, he didn't do anything. I knew how he felt, it had happened to me. The bouncers ride their power trip way too hard and just throw people out at the end of the night instead of just asking them to leave. I told him it was ok and called him a taxi... that felt good to help someone who I barely knew. I walked home with Leigh, and the glow was still going strong. We got back to Chantelles and hit the hay. I slept like a baby, and although physically I slept relatively uncomfortably, I was mentally the most serene I'd ever been. I felt good. I woke up this morning, and the glow was still there, but the weird dust was settling. My thoughts were a bit clearer, along with my conscious as well. We got up and chatted, talked, watched movies and ate. Dave rang early afternoon and told me he was going to take the day off work tonight so we could have that acid. I remembered him telling me that I shouldn't wag work. I told him I'd meet him in 20 minutes. I went and saw him, and we went to KFC to get some food. He said "Yeah, I'm pretty keen to do this acid tonight, man". I just said "Well, I don't have it" and then went on and told him about the lie I'd been living and preaching and how I didn't want to push him into drugs that I don't know about myself. At first I thought he'd be mad that I didn't give it to him, but, unsurprisingly and surprisingly at the same time, he seemed really fine about it and looked like he couldn't have cared anyway. It felt relieving to know, and more weight go lifted off my shoulders. The wore on, and I saw Cas. That godly glow was still about him, but I know it's going to be short lived. There was a crash behind his house and a truckdriver was killed transporting the Crusty DEMONS motorbikes. I guess the 'messenger for the devi' was killed that day, and god won, in a weird, sick metaphorically twisted way that only I could understand. I've felt really good all day. It's weird feeling like a good person because it's a totally new sensation to me. I'm not saying I am a good person, but that's how I feel. It's up to you to make the choice whether I'm good or not, that's where God gave us the gift of being able to make choices... whether they be bad or good, it's up to us... and good and evil battle it out behind our backs in our heads to try and win over more people. Good will triumph, eventually, and I've just got to tell you that, but there will always be temptation to do evil things out there that will catch your eye and lead you off the good path. But just don't believe and follow gods or drugs that you don't know about. Don't say you 'know' god because you don't, you fear him... therefore you don't trust or know. You just blindly follow the false prophets that have taken their given word way too seriously or literally. You've never even seen god before. I never saw the guy that was about to sell me $3250 worth of acid, before something stepped in and told me not to give money to strangers... Miracles can happen, and they work in mysterious ways... that's all I've learnt and that's the closest to 'god' that I'll ever be... but I know there isn't a god, but a higher power and karmic scale. Saying there is a god is like admitting that you've got no idea whatsoever. You only know that 'you will go to heaven if you are a good person and believe in god. which is the message they've been trying to tell you ever since this lie was first spun. Yes, be a good person, but don't believe in something you don't know about. Just be good. Arabs are crazy motherfuckers anyway, and it's pretty safe to say that we can't really trust them OR their religions and to take everything with a grain of salt... Every 'religion' has messages that the followers are supposed to live by, but some of those messages are just plain fucked up, and cause nothing but war and trouble the world over. So, again, don't believe something you don't know about. I'm new to this 'good' thing, so I don't know much about it... but I know for a fact that it's there, there are good things and beauty in everything, and I've seen it every day... it's only now that I've 'woken up' to it. I don't know god, and never did. I thought I did when I was younger, but I strayed off, questioned it and this was about the same time that I started falling into drugs and the game of 'evil dealing' - again... a message which I only just picked up on. I'm sorry if I've come across with a 'holier than thou' attitude, I will try and avoid this as much as I can from now on, I feel like I had to adopt it to write this. I've lacked confidence my whole life and feel I need to assert myself to get my point across, hence this whacky trip report. I did trip, and I went on 'that journey'. I don't want you to think I'm saying "have acid and have a beautiful realisation..." because that's just wrong. That's where Tim Leary went totally wrong, but I think he had the write idea at the start, I'm not sure... that's for you to decide. Like Hunter Thompson said: "I don't advocate the use of drugs, alcohol, violence or madness for anyone... but it's always worked for me" and I guess he's kind of right in a way, for me anyway. I don't now, but I did... and that's where I was wrong. Life is backwards: God is good? No... Good is god, and it works in mysterious fucking ways. There are lots of other little personal things that I've left out of this, purely for the fact that they are part of my own battle, but if you want to know, feel free to ask... they are pretty, interesting in their own little way in relevance to this story. Now for the less important details... DOSE: several shots of Absynth (Green Fairy) Several glasses vodka w/ lemonade Lots of cones of weed 1x Albert Hofmann 2000 Jubilee LSD - about 11:00pm 1x Albert Hofmann 2000 Jubilee LSD - About 3:00am DURATION: Don't know... don't care. I worked backwards to write this. I'm not saying I will never touch psychedelics again, I probably will... but I won't seek them out. I'll let them come to me. If I come across a shroom in the forest, I'll pick it. If someone offers me an acid trip, I'll probably take it... but I won't be forcing them down people's throats any more. I feel like I could enjoy them now. All of the anxious, uneasy awkwardness is gone from my head and I feel clean and clear, so I could probably safely take something and not be scared of what I'm thinking or what's going to happen... because now all I have is what seem to be good thoughts. But like I said, that's not for me to decide. Just please be careful with what you put in your body and your mind, and be sure of what you do and always try and make what you feel are the right decisions that will make you a good person, and don't let the lies and evil get to you, it probably will and it will distract you, in whatever way, but just be good... and santa will come and bring you lots of presents... but Santa is a lie.. also a part of Christianity... maybe a message? Dunno... it's up for you to decide... you have a choice! Be good! ![]() -AG ---------------------- My DOI trip report: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/ ---------------------- My DOB Trip report: (don't be fooled by the title) http://www.shroomery.org/forums/ ---------------------- My STUPIDLY MASSIVE DOSE shroom trip report: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/ ---------------------- Edited by indica (03/26/06 06:40 AM)
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Registered: 08/11/05 Posts: 1,980 |
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Read through it all- it's good. Take a break from it all (I'd recommend marijuana as well) if you think it's what you need. Integrate it, redirect yourself, reinvent yourself. Let yourSELF go, and as your friends seem to say, "just go with it."
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Registered: 08/17/05 Posts: 18,905 |
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cheers... I'll keep that in mind.
I can feel the glow fading, so I'll need to try real hard to keep positive.
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Rational Lunatic Registered: 03/20/06 Posts: 3,421 Loc: Above The Law Last seen: 3 years, 10 months |
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hmm... EPIPHANY is how it's spelled.
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audioboy ![]() Registered: 12/23/04 Posts: 375 Loc: SE Michigan Last seen: 17 years, 29 days |
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well now you now, you are made up of entirely non you parts..whether you think what you are doing or belive is right has little to do with the big picture
god is there, but he thinks you are fun to watch the way you are not that he doesnt really 'do' much but.. you will know him eventually -------------------- ------------------- peace with everystep
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Registered: 08/17/05 Posts: 18,905 |
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I went into a christian book shop to buy a crucifix necklace to have so I don't forget that night. The first one I saw was just a + kind of crucifix instead of the ? which worked well for me because I just wanted it to remind me to REMAIN POSITIVE... I think + works with that rather well!
Thanks for the feedback guys, but I'll let god fine me, I won't find him. I hate that yucky happy-family bullshit that comes with it, it's what makes me feel really uncomfortable
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Seeker Registered: 01/29/06 Posts: 285 Loc: Australia Last seen: 2 years, 2 months |
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Nice post mate. I can relate, though I won't try.
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I Tell You What! Registered: 06/24/05 Posts: 5,998 Last seen: 8 years, 10 months |
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Stick with Cas man... sounds like you really love him (in the divine sort of way) and that he's a great influence in your life.
Thats a neat story. I'm not sure what to think about psychedelics, God, or anything other than that I have to live a good life and the rabbit hole is so deep that I'm afraid to even peek down it, yet I have an urge to all the same. -------------------- ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
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Registered: 08/17/05 Posts: 18,905 |
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Thanks for the advice, everyone.
I've been doing really well since, leading a happier life and all. I bought myself a little '+' necklace from a christian bookshop. I made sure it wasn't the conservative crucifix, just a celtic + symbol, meaning + for positive, to remind me to keep positive and stop being negative. It's really helping, although it has proven to be quite a struggle :P Cas is distancing and spending all his time with his GF, but that's cool. Maybe he was just there for my struggle, as a booster. Another little blessing in life that will pass, so I'll let whatever happen and move on, and hopefully be the same thing for someone else (or try to be, if it's my place)
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