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OfflineDriAno
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Registered: 03/01/06
Posts: 149
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Ah!!!
    #5439130 - 03/24/06 06:08 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

im frustrated terrified anxious and quite lost.
today i meet up with a friend which i had done shrooms with about 8 months ago (first and only time since )although im preparing for a second trip soon, and im glad i saw this because it is defenitly something i NEED to change, so were hanging out and at first i was fine but i started feeling extremly axious and all the suddon every word out of my mouth was coming out in a weak unsure tone i couldnt think of what to say or hoew to say it and what bugs me the most is that this happens to some degree with most people im around thus ive been isolating my self more and more for some time now i hate it.
so i droped him off and on my way home i started thinking what is the source of what is happening why does this happen when im aroud people and all the suddon it hit me, approval, i seek approval from every one i know i have a need to be accepted, wanted, needed, and i hate the fact that i mold my fucking life around every one else its like every time i try to think for my self i feel in some wayu shape or form that im going to be put down or not fit in and im tired of it. but how do i change this i just want to break free from everything that is keeping me down. i want to be able to be free of flowing which ever way i think or feel like i want a free flow from with in that says this is me like it or not this is what i think this is how fucking much i care fuch off ahhhhhhhhh
if only there is a huge part of me that i dont even know and even tho i look inside with hopes to find that part of me that is unknown its like there is nothing there to find. there is the part of me that i want people to see and i dont think they do and the part that comes over and masks my whole beeing and supresses me makes me feel insignificant and the part of it all that i hate is this feeling to try to be COOL fuck beeing cool im 20 years old i want to be myself i know i dont have to be cool but there is a ridiculos drive to be something that i hate even tho i tell my self that i dont care to be that something iside yearns for acceptance . maybe even acceptance from my self . even tho i try to acept my self for whom i am and i tell my self that i do. do i really? it doesnt feel like it its like feeling inadecuate when im around people and a need to stand out. need need need fuck need im so tired of needind i feel like a los and hungry puppy that laches on to whom ever pays attention to me. fuck i hate this.


--------------------
...................................................................Smile. Its not that hard. Just squeeze ur But cheecks. SEE!!! :smile:...................................................


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: Ah!!! [Re: DriAno]
    #5439172 - 03/24/06 06:20 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Well........................
qouth incubus.
if you let them make you
they'll make you of paper mache
and if you let them fuck you
there will be no foreplay
if i let them make me
i'd surely be broke by now.

this is not negative, but no one "cares" about you. What I mean by this is not that you are not deserving of care, you are deserving of complete and total love as are all human beings. But when you're driving how many people go out of their way to make sure you're safe.... I bet you get tailgated.

People care about themselves and don't even realize there are others to care about.

Your solution is this. First of all, express yourself completely uncensored and unrestrained. Or don't. You trust your intstincts. If you have something to say, as soon as the notion pops up, say it... because if you hesitate that creates anxiety and I know this all too well. If you choke on the words you want to speak you will further your problem. Start simple. Wherever it is you spend time in public.... look around at people. There is someone like you in your proximity, and I guarantee this. So do you see anyone that catches you as nice and "normal" and like you? Talk to them. Or don't. But just look for those types of people.

But man. approval. approval comes from you. If you need approval, the only people you meet will be met under false pre-tenses, and your relationships with them will suck. You will gravitate towards people, that, like you, are not complete. They will be of little help towards improving self esteem.

if you don't need approval and you LOVE yourself and you accept your circumstances you will run into really neat people that will automatically approve of you and care about you just for being you. Those people are rare.... but like people gravitate towards one another.

What kind of boyfriends do you think a girl will find if she seeks approval through sex......... people that want to have sex with girls who have low self esteem.

What kind of people will you find if your confidence is weak and damaged? People that will walk on you and not care about you.

BUT this is so vague.... I'm just trying to give a general perspective. I have confidence issues but I still run into good people, it really depends.... on so many things. If you can have love and act kindly towards people while still asserting your rights, you can be unconfident and still meet the right people.

It just depends on inner maturity.

Inner maturity is easy because you already have it. There IS part of you that is waiting to be unlocked, quite right........ sit down and imagine who you want to be.

You already are that person. Just emulate the imagined personality. Be loving and you will be loving. Be hateful and you will be hateful. Start little, but work always.

The flaw is that you seek approval from others, and yes you can find it, you can find amazing people that will complete you........... but not until you have realized that you don't NEED approval from others, you need it from yourself. When you become more whole, your relatoinships become more whole.

I hope some of this helps, I'm real fatigued right now and it's hard to write................ trust yourself. Completely and totally. You are the only one you can trust. When you become a more and more amazing person and closer to who you want to be each day, you will run into more and more amazing people that are more worth trusting, and youw ill know intuitively how to deal with those that aren't.

You have everything you need to get everything you need and to an extent want. Trust. Love. Accept.

Pure intentions juxtaposed send two lovers souls in motion.

Don't hold back honesty. Be open with someone the second you meet them, let them meet you .......... fuck being cool. The more inner work you do, the better your circumstances will be...... just aspire to improve and you will, and even if you have confidence problems, as long as you aspire to be a good person, and to treat all people you meet well, even if they aren't good people... to treat them nice.... you will run into great people.

Find the light in you and be a beacon in a dark world. Think of your current situation as a way to burn karma. Don't hate..... try not to judge.... treat all people you run into nicely...... things will fall into place if you let them.

If you don't put trust in yourself you will be a victim of forces beyond your control, and you will believe that your situation is hopeless. If you put trust and love in yourself and accept your current position, you can move to anywhere you want and will find liberation in due time, and obstacles will gradually clear out.

It's not easy but it's not hard either. It's whatever you want it to be. It starts right now and the future is irrelevant. How you act right now shapes who you are tomorrow. Live in the moment, look for opportunities to build confidence, trust your impulses......

think. question. ponder. always with the mantra that you ARE confident and you are releasing the confidence to be utilized and strengthened. don't worry about the past, don't worry about the future, the only time to change things is right now.

right now is all you ever have.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


Edited by leery11 (03/24/06 06:30 PM)


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OfflineDriAno
student
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Registered: 03/01/06
Posts: 149
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Ah!!! [Re: leery11]
    #5439214 - 03/24/06 06:32 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Thankyou, that really encourages me, its rare to find people that care you right so thankyou for sharing
and i hope you get some rest :smile:
Driano


--------------------
...................................................................Smile. Its not that hard. Just squeeze ur But cheecks. SEE!!! :smile:...................................................


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: Ah!!! [Re: DriAno]
    #5439280 - 03/24/06 06:54 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Oh I don't need rest, I just felt feverish, took some ibu-profen and am going to a concert where there is a prospective of a nice lady that I kind of know and hope to get to know better.

And wouldn't you imagine that.... today I was just relaxed, very attentive to my breathing...... strolling around casually and ran into her...... I wouldn't call it "coincidence" as such things happen far too often to be considered chance. But I spent today, unlike many days, very positive and confident to others.

and so I run into her, and we connect. Things just work like that.

But for me, the key is desire. No desire. If we become friends, good. Lovers, good. Nothing? Well not so good but we can't be nothing because she is interested in me on some level as I her.....

So........ just be patient but above all be active in visualizing, conceputalizing, and actualizing your goals. The middle path man. Desire is indeed suffering, if you feel like you are out of balance then definitely you need to fix that, but just be at peace throughout your days and be sure to be positive to people.

It will change your circumstances quickly. I hope you have the best of luck...... I can type and type and type but it's like I only spiral around but never quite reach what I'm really trying to say, as there is plenty of truth and untruth to what I'm saying.

It just all bottoms down to patience, faith (in yourself), good will, and plenty of introspection to see if your priorities are right.

Just give permission for things to work out for the better.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


Edited by leery11 (03/24/06 06:56 PM)


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OfflineDriAno
student
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Registered: 03/01/06
Posts: 149
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Ah!!! [Re: leery11]
    #5439472 - 03/24/06 08:26 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

great, i will, have fun and enjoy your evening :smile:


--------------------
...................................................................Smile. Its not that hard. Just squeeze ur But cheecks. SEE!!! :smile:...................................................


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 9 months
Re: Ah!!! [Re: DriAno]
    #5439779 - 03/24/06 10:16 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

i did not enjoy it all, it made me rather miserable and things were awkward with her.

thankfully 2 of my very close friends showed up, but still "close" is not even close enough to them. it just reminded me how lonely and isolated I am.

It was really tough. :x I guess that happens though.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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OfflineDriAno
student
 User Gallery

Registered: 03/01/06
Posts: 149
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
Re: Ah!!! [Re: leery11]
    #5440773 - 03/25/06 11:45 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

that totaly blows, thankfully there are plenty of fish in the sea
dont they say that for every man there are about 5 women.
so fish on buddy, fish on :smile:


--------------------
...................................................................Smile. Its not that hard. Just squeeze ur But cheecks. SEE!!! :smile:...................................................


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