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InvisibleMOTH
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Finally getting help.
    #5420609 - 03/19/06 10:06 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I've had a difficult week dealing with depression/suicidal feelings and anger and stuff. Very difficult. I have a hard time expressing verbally these things so I tried to find solace PMing a friend or two. They encouraged me to get help and to ask...which is so hard.

I told my husband first...then later, I called my mother and asked her to borrow money for therapy. I need to figure out what is going on with me. I can't live like this anymore. Anyway, the conversation I had with my mom was odd. I told her everything. I stopped lying to her. I told her about pot. I told her about the urge to die/disfigure myself. I explained how I was using pot to dull these feelings and now I am trying to learn how to live "on my own." How I am trying to live.

It was weird. She kept telling me that Satan was doing all this to me. I guess I can interpret "satan" as "ego." She said that if I just attended church, everything would be okay. I said, "the state of the world really bothers me. There is no compassion or love, we are trapped in a decaying husk." She said, "there is at church." Then she told me to listen to Christian music. I said, "No, I like Pink Floyd." She said, "Who's he?"

Most of the conversation was her trying to convince me to go to church, like that would solve everything. I felt like I was 13 again. But this was different. I asserted myself with her. I have nothing to lose. So I decided to be honest. I told her everything. I blabbed away about things I never thought I'd tell them.

Now it's over. Now she knows all these things about her only daughter. I asked at the end if she could loan me some money for therapy. She said, "Not if you're going to use it to support your bad habits."

Then later, I convinced her that I wouldn't do that, that I had quit and that I just wanted to learn how to be happy. She said all I needed to do was to go to church and pray. She said church would help me. I said I'd go to a Unitarian church maybe, and she said, "No, that's not a church of God." I asserted that I believe that all paths lead to the same place and she interupted me and said, "No, there's only one path. I don't want to see you burn in hell, Michelle." Then she started weeping.

So I don't know. I feel nothing now. I told her things I thought I'd never tell her. Now she knows. She is so different then I am, lives in a completely different universe. But I needed help. I do need help, otherwise I'm not going to make it. I just feel amazed I fessed up like that to her and all of her responses. I told her, "I just don't know what to do anymore, there's no reason for me to be feeling so low," and she said, "Just ignore all that. Just ignore it and think happy thoughts, Michelle." I explained to her that ignoring my issues is what brought me to this position in the first place. I need to face them. She disagreed with me and said that I need to find a church for support.

So I don't know. The immediate crises is past, but...I just don't know. I am beat. I probably scared my husband/friends/etc with my dumb, unevolved behavior. I have a lot of guilt about that.

I didn't know where to put this. So anyway. Anyway I hope that she does help me out with therapy. I need to get to the bottom of things before these compulsions get too much. They already are. I'm not really sure who to turn to about it. Nobody can really help me. Except maybe a professional. I just need to figure out how to make that happen. I hope my mom will help me.


Edited by EllemyshShade (03/22/06 05:39 PM)


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Offlinehug_the_man
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5420653 - 03/19/06 10:23 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I'm sorry to hear that your having some troubles.

Don't feel guilty about telling your husband, family, and friends about your feelings. Thats what they are there for.

I think your mom is just trying to help you find happiness in the same way that she does. Personally i think the community of the church is the important part, not that a loving god would send someone to hell (but thats a rant i will spare you).

I think you've done the right thing by telling the people close to you and seeking professional help.

I hope everything works out, and if there is anything I can do please left me know. I always enjoy you and your husbands posts. You to seem like very nice people.


--------------------
You can only love that which you know
and you can only know that which you love.


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Invisibleeligal
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5421046 - 03/20/06 01:22 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

wow, hope it all works out.
im sure youll find a way, have you looked into payment plans?

i cant believe your mom would prefer church over a doctor...


--------------------
\m/ Spanksta \m/

"do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?"

"MolokoMilkPlus said:
I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job"

"tactik said:
respect the can."



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Invisibleknowhereman
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: eligal]
    #5421085 - 03/20/06 01:41 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I've gone through a similar situation, and i know how bad it can be not have any motivation to keep going and just to feel like complete shit. But you have to understand that as bad as it is, it is just a passive phase and sooner or later youll be looking back with new eyes.
Listen to your mom and go to church..at least give it a try, nothing bad can come out of it you know.
There are also things you can do for yourself, like stop smoking weed for a while (this really helped me out when i was depressed) i also recommend taking St. John's Wort to help you with depression. also try making exercise a habit, that will open the door to new activities. and eat right. other than that keep in touch with your mom and listen to the people who love you.
Its an indescribable feeling when you overcome these kinds of situations.


--------------------
Everybody HA HA!


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Offlinepip182
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: knowhereman]
    #5421148 - 03/20/06 02:34 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Maybe your mom is right. Maybee god is trying to reach out to you, I mean, this did happen on sunday right? Go to church, I think everyone needs it. Once the spirit touches you there you feel so much better. Its great, I don't go as often as I should but I still go and it has helped me a LOT especially in getting along with my wife and being at peace with myself. God will do nothing but help you, seriously. I don't know shit about the Unitarian church or what they belive, but if their hearts are in the right place, the same spirit should be there.

But you can do what you want, this is just my advice from personal experience with god helping my life out in sooo many ways. All you need to do is start with a prayer.

Just don't be a scientologist :wink:.

My $0.02


--------------------


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OfflinePeyote_Princess
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: pip182]
    #5421254 - 03/20/06 04:26 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

It's a big thing talking to parents about stuff; I'm fairly new at living away from home and my parens aren't too happy about some of how I live my life, but they accept its my life.

I agree with others saying that your Mum is trying to help you - Church is what she knows that helps

My Mum used to cry when she saw cut marks on me, that's what helps me not to do it...

As for Satan, that's a Christian term for bad stuff... I think its a general coverall term

Please take care!

Peyote_Princess xXx :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Was I talking? ... Did they hear me?"


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Invisibleniteowl
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5422456 - 03/20/06 01:13 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I had some of the same problems your having (anxiety and depression with suicidal thoughts) and decided to seek professional help.....not a good idea btw

They shifted me from drug to drug....diagnosis to diagnosis.
I never got better.......only worse

I finally found peace with myself and my environment when I started meditating on a regular basis.

It may sound simple or stupid to put that much faith in self healing.......but it worked for me.

I would try meditating weekly (if not daily) for 2-3 months, before I spent a lot of $$$ on a "professional"  :shrug:



:2cents:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: niteowl]
    #5422866 - 03/20/06 07:17 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

My mom got me a number to call. Hopefully it will be free services but if it isn't she said she'll pay. I'm so drained. I feel like I've destroyed most of my relationships over the weekend. Funny how I seem to do that so effortlessly. At work though, everyone was really sweet. I almost called in today but I pushed onward. I didn't give details but they all knew that I was feeling low and tried to help. It made me feel good to realize how much they seem to care.

So I'm calling the number tomorrow. I am desperate for relief, you see. I'm a psychotic, crazy bitch...I mean I don't know what else to do. How to live with myself. It's the same old song and dance from me, I know. The difference is that I'll be getting professional help, something I thought was impossible for me. I don't know why I've always thought that. I guess because I'm fucking broke, the "working poor," as they say. So I figured I wouldn't be able to get help even if I wanted it.

Well, I'm getting it. Sorry to be such a drag. I just would like to be happy. Wait a sec, forget that. I'd just like to be able to love myself unconditionally. It's a tall order.

I'm scared about the next few days. I haven't seen a therapist or a mental health professional in over six years. I'm scared about what they'll say.

Anyway. Thanks to everyone who has stuck by me throughout all these years on this site. You don't know how much it means.


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InvisibleLiz
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5423215 - 03/20/06 08:24 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I think you can get out of therapy whatever you are willing to take from it. If you go with an open mind, and you are honest and open with whomever you speak with, it could work out really well. 

I hate it when people think church is the cure all for people's problems.  No offense, I just think that's ridiculous.  It just furthers my belief that religion is a crutch for the weak - but whatever, to each their own, ya know?

It means a lot that you are being upfront with Kevin and your mother about this, you're letting people in, letting people try to help, and that takes a LOT of courage and a LOT of trust.  I'm so proud of you. 

You also have a lot of people here, myself included, that will do whatever they can to help you through this tough time that lies ahead.  I hope the tough time is a short one, and you come through it feeling better, with a new outlook on life.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk, or someone to listen. 

I love you  :heart:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
    #5423446 - 03/20/06 09:19 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Oh my god...I have tears in my eyes...thank you SO much!


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InvisibleCherryBomM
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5423611 - 03/20/06 10:03 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

That was really brave of you to put yourself out like that in front of your mother.  Her immediate response was her version of therapy...the church.  (which is good, she wants to help) But this is about YOU.

Your trying so hard to work on you and figure out your own cycles...therapy could go very well for you.  You need to find someone you can talk to as a human being, not a professional.  That's my thought on it, anyways.  You'll feel more willing to open up and do that soul work you're craving.

Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...I'd also like to echo her sentiments.  We're here for you when you need somewhere to oganize your thoughts, share the good stuff, share the bad stuff.  We want to see you happy, emotionally healthy and wonderful like we know you are.

Good luck, Elle.  :heart:


--------------------


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5424646 - 03/21/06 10:39 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Don't go to church, if you don't do so now, there's no point in going now.  Definitley do not go just to please your mother.  You need to be pleasing yourself right now, not others, no pun intended.  :wink:

Go to this therapy thing, but don't look at it as a last resort type thing.  People have their own way of handling tough times, not everyone needs to just blurt shit out.

When was the last time you had a good shroom trip?  Have you forgotten about any of your good trips?  That's what I seem to do when I feel myself getting depressed and angry, I remember all the things I was taught and shown on my trips and then I feel guily enough to where I improve my attitude and outlook on things...

Remember, life has it's peaks and valleys, you just happen to be in a valley right now, but in the distance there is that peak that it is coming...see it?


--------------------
Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: CherryBom]
    #5425348 - 03/21/06 01:35 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

CherryBom said:
Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...






And the winner is Liz!


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InvisibleCherryBomM
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5425479 - 03/21/06 02:00 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

:lol:


--------------------


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InvisibleLiz
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #5425596 - 03/21/06 02:34 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

RandalFlagg said:
Quote:

CherryBom said:
Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...






And the winner is Liz!




:shocked:

I'd like to thank the academy, my mom....

(kidding)

Seriously though, thanks...I'm nice to people who deserve it, and I  :heart: my shroomery ladies more than anything (and my shroomery boys!)  I'd do pretty much anything for the people I've met off of here, and I love you guys like family.  Family helps family out  :heart:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: CherryBom]
    #5425675 - 03/21/06 02:54 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

CherryBom said:
Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...I'd also like to echo her sentiments.  We're here for you when you need somewhere to oganize your thoughts, share the good stuff, share the bad stuff.  We want to see you happy, emotionally healthy and wonderful like we know you are.

Good luck, Elle.  :heart:




Not that it needs to be said, but ditto all that. I am still here for you, even if you drop a bomb of suicidal mind-fuck on me via PM once in a while :blush:  :grin:

You'll get through this, Michelle.  :heart:


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OfflineGrok
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #5426481 - 03/21/06 05:55 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I have gone through stages in my life like this before. And I bet I will go through more at some point as well.

You have taken the first big steps in deciding you want to feel better (I always had trouble with this) and talking to those you are close to. You have the right mindset.

Nobody knows you better than yourself, so be weary of what other people suggest for you. If its not something you're interested in, I wouldn't waste the time if I were you. I could never stand the people who tried to push religion on me, even from a very young age, I just got the feeling that something was wrong with them. I agree with you, that it all leads to the same place.

Again, I don't know much about your situation, but I'll share some of the things that have helped me. I used to dwell about all my problems endlessly when I was younger. I'd get really down on myself. But eventually I came to realize that I was basically the only who spent any appreciable amount of time thinking about my problems, and that other people had much worse problems than I did but didn't worry about them nearly as much.

Cutting back on weed helped me a lot too. I don't smoke at all anymore, and have absolutly no urge to.

Mushrooms have helped me appreciate life and point me in a good direction, but it is always up to me to follow it, and entails a lot of hard work. Psychedelics are not a cure-all as some portray them to be. But taking a hard honest look inward is a good thing.

Another help to me was fasting. It is a very cleansing experience - and the clarity of mind it brings to me is reminiscent of psychedelics. By fasting you metabolize stored up toxins. I felt a huge improvement every time after I did this. Of course, you need to research it, but generally it is safe and effective. Not that hard either. Combining this (afterwards of course) with a healthy diet and exercise, plus meditation, and I feel better than I think I ever have.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck. I have read a lot of your posts through my time here and I really hope you get better. You are an asset to the shroomery!


--------------------
Entropy is increasing.
To send me a PM, go to my journal


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OfflineGillette
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
    #5426702 - 03/21/06 06:27 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Liz said:
I'm nice to people who deserve it, and I  :heart: my shroomery ladies more than anything (and my shroomery boys!)  I'd do pretty much anything for the people I've met off of here, and I love you guys like family.  Family helps family out  :heart:




ditto.

Michelle, you know I'm always all ears to you, no matter what.  I'm proud of you for always being so brutally honest, I really do love you for that.  It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and even more to say, maybe I could use some help.  Good for you.

On to bigger and brighter days  :sun:

Love.  :heart: :heart:


--------------------
~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.


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Offlinemrsautoman
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5428669 - 03/22/06 03:24 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Man, I'm sorry I saw this post so late in the game. I'm gonna toss in a few thoughts anyway.

On the issue of therapy: I think there is something to be said for giving it a go with a mental health professional. Talking to your friends is nice, but you need a neutral, experienced ear right now.

Now about that mom... My mom is the minister of a non-denominational spirit-filled christian church. When I read your post it rang a lot of bells for me. The whole time I was growing up everything my mom feared or did not understand was automatically of satan. Now that I'm all growed up I can only wish that things were really that simple.

I'm glad to hear she is offering to pony up some cash even though you were none-too-thrilled about taking her suggestions. Is she trying to push you into a christian based therapy? I would try to seek other avenues of assistance if this is the case. The problem is not in your soul, it's in your head.

Adults should not let other people set their priorities for them. Don't fall into the trap of being beholden to her dogma just because you are asking for her help.


--------------------

~I was born of a voice untimely,
the so-called echo of a man's ordure~


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: mrsautoman]
    #5429384 - 03/22/06 10:34 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

More thanks is due to everyone who replied...

I'm about to call the number. I was supposed to do it yesterday but I put it off. I'm feeling really freaked out about calling that number.

I'm about to do it though.


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5429433 - 03/22/06 10:50 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Yeah, I called.  A therapist/counselor is supposed to call me back either today or tomorrow. 

"What is the reason you want counseling?" 

"Um...." :crazy:


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5429435 - 03/22/06 10:52 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Hey Elle... glad to hear you made the call. I hope it turns out to be a positive step for you.  :heart:


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Invisiblepsyka
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5429692 - 03/22/06 12:06 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Not to sound offensive, but you sound like you were abused and are in need of self-thought reprogramming (aka therapy). Your mom doesn't know shit and is trying to repress her insecurities on you.


--------------------
As the life of a candle,
my wick will burn out.
But, the fire of my mind
shall beam into infinite.



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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: psyka]
    #5429717 - 03/22/06 12:15 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

/sigh. Every professional I talk to says I was abused. The problem is that I have no memories of this and don't want to create false ones. (easily impressionable). Doctors wanted to do hypnotic therapy on me when I was a teen in the looney-bin to try and get to the bottom of this, but my parents wouldn't allow it.

No matter how weird my mom is, she's still caring for me by offering to cope the bill for therapy and I love her for that.


Edited by EllemyshShade (03/22/06 12:16 PM)


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Invisiblepsyka
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5429959 - 03/22/06 01:22 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

What were you doing in a "looney bin"? And what is a looney bin if I may ask?


--------------------
As the life of a candle,
my wick will burn out.
But, the fire of my mind
shall beam into infinite.



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OfflineQuantumMeltdown
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5429978 - 03/22/06 01:28 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

What do you have against church? Personally I am a non-practicing catholic. If I was as fucked up as you sound Ellemy I think I would be in church praying long before I went to some damn shrink. Sometimes mom just knows best. Also people in church genuinely care about you unlike most the people on internet forums. All I know is that during really ruff times I pray to the god I was raised to believe in and it usually helps so :shrug:


--------------------
-QuantumMeltdown

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.
  -Mark Twain

"The time has come the walrus said, little oysters  hide their heads, my Twain of thought is loosely bound I guess its time to Mark this down, Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you will live to regret it
That's what livin' is to me
That's what livin' is to me"
Jimmy Buffett


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Invisibleeligal
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5430152 - 03/22/06 02:07 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

EllemyshShade said:
"What is the reason you want counseling?" 

"Um...." :crazy:




:tongue:


good luck! :thumbup:


--------------------
\m/ Spanksta \m/

"do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?"

"MolokoMilkPlus said:
I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job"

"tactik said:
respect the can."



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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
    #5430847 - 03/22/06 05:01 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Where did I say I have anything against church? I was practically raised in one.  I don't need a church to pray, either.  :rolleyes:


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InvisibleLiz
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5430924 - 03/22/06 05:15 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

The place that you're calling to attend therapy, are there many therapists that work there? Private practice?  Do you know anything about it?

I only ask because it's SO important for you to feel comfortable with whoever you wind up sitting down with.  If you don't feel like you can trust the person and fully open up to them, you'll be wasting your time, and your mothers money.  Find someone you like, and don't settle for anything less than that!

Keep us posted as to how the sessions go (if you want) and I think it would be a great idea to further explore the hypnosis option, and see what door that opens.  I understand your fear of people putting ideas in your head if you're easily impressionable, but I think you're smart enough to distinguish what are your surpressed memories, and what they are suggesting you are remembering. 

Good luck Michelle, and remember that we're here for you!!

:heart:
Liz


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
    #5430950 - 03/22/06 05:19 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Liz said:
I only ask because it's SO important for you to feel comfortable with whoever you wind up sitting down with.  If you don't feel like you can trust the person and fully open up to them, you'll be wasting your time, and your mothers money.  Find someone you like, and don't settle for anything less than that!




Yeah, what she said. :heart:  :thumbup:


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
    #5431019 - 03/22/06 05:37 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Thanks Liz...I think it's a private practice, but I'm not sure.  I'll be paying 27 dollars for the initial visit and 18 for every session therafter.  The man on the phone said that was the cheapest they could offer me based on my income.  My mother said she'd mail me some money each week, so we'll see. 

My therapist I will see on Tuesday is a woman named Debra.  The guy on the phone asked me whether I wanted a male or female therapist, and I said I didn't know.  I was starting to get panicked because he kept being unable to find a therapist available in my area, "we're very booked, right now" he said.  So I don't know.  I wrote a letter to this therapist that I am intending on giving her, telling her about myself and giving details about my life, that way we won't waste time.  I'm sure I'll feel weird sitting down and handing her a letter, but whatever, that's the easiest way for me to communicate these matters.  Otherwise I am sure to just start crying and humiliate myself.  I'll probably do that anyway. 

So.  Sorry for babbling.  Here I go.  About to get "help."  I hope I can hold out until Tuesday.  Things are rough. 

I may start exercising again and see if that helps my mood.  Endorphins are such nice little things.  Plus maybe I'll try meditation again.  I just need to find the will to do these things.  I also think I am going to take a mescaline dose on my next day off.  Psychedelics have always helped me in the past, being the allies that they are.  I haven't had a heavy trip in months.  Plus I hear mescaline is a great teacher.  I don't know.  I have nothing to lose, really, so why not.  :confused:


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #5431070 - 03/22/06 05:46 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Thank you.  :heart:


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5431081 - 03/22/06 05:47 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Crying, realistically, is a very normal and NECESSARY part of therapy.  You have so many complex emotions to sort through, it can be very overwhelming and nerve wracking, I'm sure.  These people are professionals who get paid very well to help you cope with these issues as they come up, so please, of all of the thing to worry about going in to Tuesday, do NOT worry about crying and humiliating yourself.  I think after she sees you cry, you'll probably even feel a lot more relaxed around her  :laugh:

I know I would feel more comfortable with a woman therapist, but that's just me personally.  I think writing down your feelings and a little background is a great idea, but you might want to consider not walking in and just handing it to her.  Maybe hang on to it yourself, and talk about what you wrote.  I'm sure the 1st session will be mostly introductory, a lot of "Tell me about yourself and why you're here".  You shouldn't feel like you're wasting time at all, every detail counts, and I doubt you'd feel comfortable delving right in to all of the "heavy" stuff.  Might as well segway in to it with "Hi, my name's Michelle.  I like animals, and hallucinogens..." :lol:

Exercising always puts me in a better mood (as you can tell by looking at me  :rolleyes:)  I know what you mean about just getting up the motivation to do it.  I always have issues dragging my ass out of the chair, but once I do, I'm always glad I did, because every morning I go to the gym I have more energy and I'm in a better mood for the rest of the day.  And I sleep better as well.

You say things are rough right now...do you feel comfortable maybe t elling us why?  (or you could PM me)  Also, if you ever just need to talk to someone, I could PM you my home number...I listen fairly well, and I always like to hear from fellow shroomerites who just happen to also be wonderful people  :heart: :sun:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
    #5431222 - 03/22/06 06:14 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I am just scared at this point of scaring more people away.  :tongue:

As someone already mentioned in this thread, I am "fucked up."  And my issues tend to overwelm other people. 

Right now I just feel very self-destructive, alone, paranoid and angry.  I've been crying since I woke up this morning.  I feel like if someone says something wrong to me at any moment (or looks at me wrong) I could hurt them.  I also feel irrepressibly sad and shameful at the same time, for feeling this way.  Makes me feel a need to take it out on myself, to punish myself for all these violent and unwholesome feelings. 

What "good person" feels this way. 

I've decided to let all this hang out in this thread, be "exposed,"  but I'm not sure how wise this is considering that I am fragile right now.  At the same time I feel like if anyone fucks with me I could kill them.  It's like I'm vulnerable and violent in the same breath, a horrific combination.  If I were a dog I'd probably be a "fear biter."  :rolleyes:

Anyway.  Thanks for giving me a chance to express (don't even know the meaning of this word right now or if I am using it correctly)  all this by caring. 

My animals are being awesome though.  They're pretty great.  So is my husband, despite everything I've done.  I'm looking forward to work tomorrow because it gives me a chance to ignore everything for awhile.  Work is my only salvation right now.  It's like my only escape from the hell that I've created for myself in my dumb head.  If only I could see that the path of light is the best one to take. 

Thanks again, everyone who cares.  I mean, that means shitloads to someone who never believes anyone does.  My bad if this post makes me sound even more lame and overdramatic.  Don't know if that's possible though.  :shrug:


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OfflineOneWhoHasSeen
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
    #5431238 - 03/22/06 06:18 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

QuantumMeltdown said:
What do you have against church?




Personally, the last thing I would want is to have to go somewhere were I have to listen to people try to convince me their religion is correct. I believe what I want to believe, and I don't need any priest telling me what is right or wrong, I can determine that myself.

If I were to walk into a Church and tell them the truth about myself, who I really am and the things I have done, they wouldn't be inclusive. They would instantly pass judgment (despite the fact that we are all equally ugly on the inside). The religious institution is built on exclusion, exclusion of those that don't believe in what they believe.

If you found help there, then great! But it isn't for everyone, and going to church CAN make things worse if you go to the wrong people. Christianity and Catholicism love to use fear tactics, a fear of going to hell. And in many cases they also try to push their political agenda on you as well (seeing the new trend of Christians to tie politics and religion together).

I am not saying that there aren't good churches out there, but they are few and far between IMO.


--------------------
A Temporal Anomaly


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
    #5431276 - 03/22/06 06:25 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I have interest in attending a Unitarian Church.


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5431685 - 03/22/06 08:25 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

You should never be ashamed of your own feelings, I don't think that will be anything but detrimental in working through them and figuring out what's going in side your head.  Letting out your feelings and allowing yourself be vulnerable in your fragile state will just help show how strong you really are, because it's incredibly hard to open up and risk getting hurt.  You might even be surprised at how much it helps to put your thoughts down in front of you, and see whether they're logical or not.  I know mine usually aren't  :tongue:

Animals are such a huge help - it's like they have this sense for when something is wrong.  Whenever Pete and I argue, the minute our tones change our puppy gets extremely upset and anxious, and sits between us looking back and forth like "What's going on guys?!".  Or when I'm upset about something, she just sits there and relaxes with me, staring at me with those big brown eyes, and telling me everything will be fine.  You're lucky to have a supportive husband like Kevin.  The way our significant others treat us in these tough times is a great indication of how resilient our relationships are, to be able to withstand tests like this. 

You shouldn't feel bad forburdening people with your emotions, or worry that you're going to "scare even more people away".  The way I see it, if people are scared away by a friend of theirs expressing themselves, they probably have some soul searching of their own to do. 

Quote:

What "good person" feels this way.




As for that question, I've met you once, and I can tell you that you ARE a good person.  You have some emotional issues that you're working with right now, but the imprtant thing is that you ARE taking the steps that you need to, to be yourself again.  I don't think a period of your life like this, or any specific set of thoughts holds any weight as to whether you're a "good" person or not.  Someone who was not a "good" person would not only think these things, but act on them, and not attempt to seek advice, or seek people to listen, or to care.  All of this speaks volumes about your incredible character Michelle, and I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this, including me, recognizes that.  I only hope that one day soon you recognize it too  :heart:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
    #5433306 - 03/23/06 08:41 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Yay Liz! Damn straight!

Elle, as I've said before in PM, while the contents of your mind might be unsettling, it's your reactions and inability to accept the way your mind is that really exacerbate the problem. Heck, one might even say this is where the problem is actually created.

Things like, "What "good person" feels this way." are examples of your reactive thoughts. That's not the CONTENTS of your head talking, that's your reaction to them. These "second-level" thoughts (ego) are the real danger to your well-being and are (I believe) the true source of anxiousness and the lack of peace of mind you feel. It is, literally, your ego exerting a disagreement with "what is" internally. This is just another way of saying "denial" or "lack of acceptance."

It may seem cliche, but there is truth in the phrase, "acceptance of a problem is the first step towards healing." This does not just mean accepting that you HAVE a problem... but on a more integrated and subconscious level, one must learn to teach themselves to accept it on a moment-by-moment basis. This is what meditation is, for many.


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #5435131 - 03/23/06 04:42 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I need my ego crushed.


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5435151 - 03/23/06 04:47 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

EllemyshShade said:
I need my ego crushed.




I know the feeling...

Just remember that we're here for you. As hard as life seems at times, it is a struggle we're all in together. You're not alone, no matter how much your brain tries to isolate you.

I have been struggling... my habit got her claws back in me, and she tried to drag me under. I took 0.9 g of aborts earlier to try to knock myself into a tailspin. I guess it worked... I don't know what I want, but atleast I know that I don't want to want for no reason.

Sorry, my brain is leaking... as you were, captain...


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #5438790 - 03/24/06 03:52 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Guys...

I suddenly remembered I have wings.  :shocked:

:cool: :heart:


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
    #5438961 - 03/24/06 05:05 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

WIngs eh?! I wish I had wings!


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
    #5880796 - 07/20/06 09:39 AM (17 years, 6 months ago)

DAMN i wish it was that easy for me. When i told my parents my mom freaked out and printed propoganda off the internet and called my dad(divorced) and told him i was doing all kinds of shit (when i called him he said what thats it i smoked some pot before HAHA!) then she called the cops and kicked me out. 1000 dollars later (from 2.4 grams pot) i am on supervised probation for 12 months and even though i havent smoked in 5 months i have to take 6 months of drug counseling...


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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: StroFun]
    #5881620 - 07/20/06 02:48 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

I'm not in counseling now. I don't care so much about pot either. I do like it.


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