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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5429433 - 03/22/06 10:50 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Yeah, I called. A therapist/counselor is supposed to call me back either today or tomorrow.
"What is the reason you want counseling?"
"Um...."
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JacquesCousteau
Being.


Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5429435 - 03/22/06 10:52 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Hey Elle... glad to hear you made the call. I hope it turns out to be a positive step for you.
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5429692 - 03/22/06 12:06 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Not to sound offensive, but you sound like you were abused and are in need of self-thought reprogramming (aka therapy). Your mom doesn't know shit and is trying to repress her insecurities on you.
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: psyka]
#5429717 - 03/22/06 12:15 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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/sigh. Every professional I talk to says I was abused. The problem is that I have no memories of this and don't want to create false ones. (easily impressionable). Doctors wanted to do hypnotic therapy on me when I was a teen in the looney-bin to try and get to the bottom of this, but my parents wouldn't allow it.
No matter how weird my mom is, she's still caring for me by offering to cope the bill for therapy and I love her for that.
Edited by EllemyshShade (03/22/06 12:16 PM)
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5429959 - 03/22/06 01:22 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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What were you doing in a "looney bin"? And what is a looney bin if I may ask?
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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QuantumMeltdown
Space Monkey



Registered: 10/31/01
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5429978 - 03/22/06 01:28 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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What do you have against church? Personally I am a non-practicing catholic. If I was as fucked up as you sound Ellemy I think I would be in church praying long before I went to some damn shrink. Sometimes mom just knows best. Also people in church genuinely care about you unlike most the people on internet forums. All I know is that during really ruff times I pray to the god I was raised to believe in and it usually helps so
-------------------- -QuantumMeltdown Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself. -Mark Twain "The time has come the walrus said, little oysters hide their heads, my Twain of thought is loosely bound I guess its time to Mark this down, Be good and you will be lonesome Be lonesome and you will be free Live a lie and you will live to regret it That's what livin' is to me That's what livin' is to me" Jimmy Buffett
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eligal
Noobie


Registered: 05/25/05
Posts: 7,021
Loc: California
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5430152 - 03/22/06 02:07 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
EllemyshShade said: "What is the reason you want counseling?"
"Um...."

good luck!
-------------------- \m/ Spanksta \m/ "do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?" "MolokoMilkPlus said: I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job" "tactik said: respect the can."
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
#5430847 - 03/22/06 05:01 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Where did I say I have anything against church? I was practically raised in one. I don't need a church to pray, either.
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5430924 - 03/22/06 05:15 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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The place that you're calling to attend therapy, are there many therapists that work there? Private practice? Do you know anything about it?
I only ask because it's SO important for you to feel comfortable with whoever you wind up sitting down with. If you don't feel like you can trust the person and fully open up to them, you'll be wasting your time, and your mothers money. Find someone you like, and don't settle for anything less than that!
Keep us posted as to how the sessions go (if you want) and I think it would be a great idea to further explore the hypnosis option, and see what door that opens. I understand your fear of people putting ideas in your head if you're easily impressionable, but I think you're smart enough to distinguish what are your surpressed memories, and what they are suggesting you are remembering.
Good luck Michelle, and remember that we're here for you!!
 Liz
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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JacquesCousteau
Being.


Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
#5430950 - 03/22/06 05:19 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Liz said: I only ask because it's SO important for you to feel comfortable with whoever you wind up sitting down with. If you don't feel like you can trust the person and fully open up to them, you'll be wasting your time, and your mothers money. Find someone you like, and don't settle for anything less than that!
Yeah, what she said.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
#5431019 - 03/22/06 05:37 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Thanks Liz...I think it's a private practice, but I'm not sure. I'll be paying 27 dollars for the initial visit and 18 for every session therafter. The man on the phone said that was the cheapest they could offer me based on my income. My mother said she'd mail me some money each week, so we'll see.
My therapist I will see on Tuesday is a woman named Debra. The guy on the phone asked me whether I wanted a male or female therapist, and I said I didn't know. I was starting to get panicked because he kept being unable to find a therapist available in my area, "we're very booked, right now" he said. So I don't know. I wrote a letter to this therapist that I am intending on giving her, telling her about myself and giving details about my life, that way we won't waste time. I'm sure I'll feel weird sitting down and handing her a letter, but whatever, that's the easiest way for me to communicate these matters. Otherwise I am sure to just start crying and humiliate myself. I'll probably do that anyway.
So. Sorry for babbling. Here I go. About to get "help." I hope I can hold out until Tuesday. Things are rough.
I may start exercising again and see if that helps my mood. Endorphins are such nice little things. Plus maybe I'll try meditation again. I just need to find the will to do these things. I also think I am going to take a mescaline dose on my next day off. Psychedelics have always helped me in the past, being the allies that they are. I haven't had a heavy trip in months. Plus I hear mescaline is a great teacher. I don't know. I have nothing to lose, really, so why not.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
#5431070 - 03/22/06 05:46 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Thank you.
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5431081 - 03/22/06 05:47 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Crying, realistically, is a very normal and NECESSARY part of therapy. You have so many complex emotions to sort through, it can be very overwhelming and nerve wracking, I'm sure. These people are professionals who get paid very well to help you cope with these issues as they come up, so please, of all of the thing to worry about going in to Tuesday, do NOT worry about crying and humiliating yourself. I think after she sees you cry, you'll probably even feel a lot more relaxed around her 
I know I would feel more comfortable with a woman therapist, but that's just me personally. I think writing down your feelings and a little background is a great idea, but you might want to consider not walking in and just handing it to her. Maybe hang on to it yourself, and talk about what you wrote. I'm sure the 1st session will be mostly introductory, a lot of "Tell me about yourself and why you're here". You shouldn't feel like you're wasting time at all, every detail counts, and I doubt you'd feel comfortable delving right in to all of the "heavy" stuff. Might as well segway in to it with "Hi, my name's Michelle. I like animals, and hallucinogens..." 
Exercising always puts me in a better mood (as you can tell by looking at me ) I know what you mean about just getting up the motivation to do it. I always have issues dragging my ass out of the chair, but once I do, I'm always glad I did, because every morning I go to the gym I have more energy and I'm in a better mood for the rest of the day. And I sleep better as well.
You say things are rough right now...do you feel comfortable maybe t elling us why? (or you could PM me) Also, if you ever just need to talk to someone, I could PM you my home number...I listen fairly well, and I always like to hear from fellow shroomerites who just happen to also be wonderful people
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
#5431222 - 03/22/06 06:14 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I am just scared at this point of scaring more people away. 
As someone already mentioned in this thread, I am "fucked up." And my issues tend to overwelm other people.
Right now I just feel very self-destructive, alone, paranoid and angry. I've been crying since I woke up this morning. I feel like if someone says something wrong to me at any moment (or looks at me wrong) I could hurt them. I also feel irrepressibly sad and shameful at the same time, for feeling this way. Makes me feel a need to take it out on myself, to punish myself for all these violent and unwholesome feelings.
What "good person" feels this way.
I've decided to let all this hang out in this thread, be "exposed," but I'm not sure how wise this is considering that I am fragile right now. At the same time I feel like if anyone fucks with me I could kill them. It's like I'm vulnerable and violent in the same breath, a horrific combination. If I were a dog I'd probably be a "fear biter." 
Anyway. Thanks for giving me a chance to express (don't even know the meaning of this word right now or if I am using it correctly) all this by caring.
My animals are being awesome though. They're pretty great. So is my husband, despite everything I've done. I'm looking forward to work tomorrow because it gives me a chance to ignore everything for awhile. Work is my only salvation right now. It's like my only escape from the hell that I've created for myself in my dumb head. If only I could see that the path of light is the best one to take.
Thanks again, everyone who cares. I mean, that means shitloads to someone who never believes anyone does. My bad if this post makes me sound even more lame and overdramatic. Don't know if that's possible though.
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OneWhoHasSeen
Temporal Anomaly


Registered: 11/20/04
Posts: 301
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 11 years, 8 days
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
#5431238 - 03/22/06 06:18 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
QuantumMeltdown said: What do you have against church?
Personally, the last thing I would want is to have to go somewhere were I have to listen to people try to convince me their religion is correct. I believe what I want to believe, and I don't need any priest telling me what is right or wrong, I can determine that myself.
If I were to walk into a Church and tell them the truth about myself, who I really am and the things I have done, they wouldn't be inclusive. They would instantly pass judgment (despite the fact that we are all equally ugly on the inside). The religious institution is built on exclusion, exclusion of those that don't believe in what they believe.
If you found help there, then great! But it isn't for everyone, and going to church CAN make things worse if you go to the wrong people. Christianity and Catholicism love to use fear tactics, a fear of going to hell. And in many cases they also try to push their political agenda on you as well (seeing the new trend of Christians to tie politics and religion together).
I am not saying that there aren't good churches out there, but they are few and far between IMO.
-------------------- A Temporal Anomaly
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: OneWhoHasSeen]
#5431276 - 03/22/06 06:25 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I have interest in attending a Unitarian Church.
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5431685 - 03/22/06 08:25 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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You should never be ashamed of your own feelings, I don't think that will be anything but detrimental in working through them and figuring out what's going in side your head. Letting out your feelings and allowing yourself be vulnerable in your fragile state will just help show how strong you really are, because it's incredibly hard to open up and risk getting hurt. You might even be surprised at how much it helps to put your thoughts down in front of you, and see whether they're logical or not. I know mine usually aren't 
Animals are such a huge help - it's like they have this sense for when something is wrong. Whenever Pete and I argue, the minute our tones change our puppy gets extremely upset and anxious, and sits between us looking back and forth like "What's going on guys?!". Or when I'm upset about something, she just sits there and relaxes with me, staring at me with those big brown eyes, and telling me everything will be fine. You're lucky to have a supportive husband like Kevin. The way our significant others treat us in these tough times is a great indication of how resilient our relationships are, to be able to withstand tests like this.
You shouldn't feel bad forburdening people with your emotions, or worry that you're going to "scare even more people away". The way I see it, if people are scared away by a friend of theirs expressing themselves, they probably have some soul searching of their own to do.
Quote:
What "good person" feels this way.
As for that question, I've met you once, and I can tell you that you ARE a good person. You have some emotional issues that you're working with right now, but the imprtant thing is that you ARE taking the steps that you need to, to be yourself again. I don't think a period of your life like this, or any specific set of thoughts holds any weight as to whether you're a "good" person or not. Someone who was not a "good" person would not only think these things, but act on them, and not attempt to seek advice, or seek people to listen, or to care. All of this speaks volumes about your incredible character Michelle, and I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this, including me, recognizes that. I only hope that one day soon you recognize it too
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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JacquesCousteau
Being.


Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
#5433306 - 03/23/06 08:41 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Yay Liz! Damn straight!
Elle, as I've said before in PM, while the contents of your mind might be unsettling, it's your reactions and inability to accept the way your mind is that really exacerbate the problem. Heck, one might even say this is where the problem is actually created.
Things like, "What "good person" feels this way." are examples of your reactive thoughts. That's not the CONTENTS of your head talking, that's your reaction to them. These "second-level" thoughts (ego) are the real danger to your well-being and are (I believe) the true source of anxiousness and the lack of peace of mind you feel. It is, literally, your ego exerting a disagreement with "what is" internally. This is just another way of saying "denial" or "lack of acceptance."
It may seem cliche, but there is truth in the phrase, "acceptance of a problem is the first step towards healing." This does not just mean accepting that you HAVE a problem... but on a more integrated and subconscious level, one must learn to teach themselves to accept it on a moment-by-moment basis. This is what meditation is, for many.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
#5435131 - 03/23/06 04:42 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I need my ego crushed.
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JacquesCousteau
Being.


Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5435151 - 03/23/06 04:47 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
EllemyshShade said: I need my ego crushed.
I know the feeling...
Just remember that we're here for you. As hard as life seems at times, it is a struggle we're all in together. You're not alone, no matter how much your brain tries to isolate you.
I have been struggling... my habit got her claws back in me, and she tried to drag me under. I took 0.9 g of aborts earlier to try to knock myself into a tailspin. I guess it worked... I don't know what I want, but atleast I know that I don't want to want for no reason.
Sorry, my brain is leaking... as you were, captain...
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