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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Finally getting help.
#5420609 - 03/19/06 10:06 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I've had a difficult week dealing with depression/suicidal feelings and anger and stuff. Very difficult. I have a hard time expressing verbally these things so I tried to find solace PMing a friend or two. They encouraged me to get help and to ask...which is so hard.
I told my husband first...then later, I called my mother and asked her to borrow money for therapy. I need to figure out what is going on with me. I can't live like this anymore. Anyway, the conversation I had with my mom was odd. I told her everything. I stopped lying to her. I told her about pot. I told her about the urge to die/disfigure myself. I explained how I was using pot to dull these feelings and now I am trying to learn how to live "on my own." How I am trying to live.
It was weird. She kept telling me that Satan was doing all this to me. I guess I can interpret "satan" as "ego." She said that if I just attended church, everything would be okay. I said, "the state of the world really bothers me. There is no compassion or love, we are trapped in a decaying husk." She said, "there is at church." Then she told me to listen to Christian music. I said, "No, I like Pink Floyd." She said, "Who's he?"
Most of the conversation was her trying to convince me to go to church, like that would solve everything. I felt like I was 13 again. But this was different. I asserted myself with her. I have nothing to lose. So I decided to be honest. I told her everything. I blabbed away about things I never thought I'd tell them.
Now it's over. Now she knows all these things about her only daughter. I asked at the end if she could loan me some money for therapy. She said, "Not if you're going to use it to support your bad habits."
Then later, I convinced her that I wouldn't do that, that I had quit and that I just wanted to learn how to be happy. She said all I needed to do was to go to church and pray. She said church would help me. I said I'd go to a Unitarian church maybe, and she said, "No, that's not a church of God." I asserted that I believe that all paths lead to the same place and she interupted me and said, "No, there's only one path. I don't want to see you burn in hell, Michelle." Then she started weeping.
So I don't know. I feel nothing now. I told her things I thought I'd never tell her. Now she knows. She is so different then I am, lives in a completely different universe. But I needed help. I do need help, otherwise I'm not going to make it. I just feel amazed I fessed up like that to her and all of her responses. I told her, "I just don't know what to do anymore, there's no reason for me to be feeling so low," and she said, "Just ignore all that. Just ignore it and think happy thoughts, Michelle." I explained to her that ignoring my issues is what brought me to this position in the first place. I need to face them. She disagreed with me and said that I need to find a church for support.
So I don't know. The immediate crises is past, but...I just don't know. I am beat. I probably scared my husband/friends/etc with my dumb, unevolved behavior. I have a lot of guilt about that.
I didn't know where to put this. So anyway. Anyway I hope that she does help me out with therapy. I need to get to the bottom of things before these compulsions get too much. They already are. I'm not really sure who to turn to about it. Nobody can really help me. Except maybe a professional. I just need to figure out how to make that happen. I hope my mom will help me.
Edited by EllemyshShade (03/22/06 05:39 PM)
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hug_the_man
Stranger


Registered: 01/18/06
Posts: 66
Last seen: 17 years, 3 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5420653 - 03/19/06 10:23 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I'm sorry to hear that your having some troubles.
Don't feel guilty about telling your husband, family, and friends about your feelings. Thats what they are there for.
I think your mom is just trying to help you find happiness in the same way that she does. Personally i think the community of the church is the important part, not that a loving god would send someone to hell (but thats a rant i will spare you).
I think you've done the right thing by telling the people close to you and seeking professional help.
I hope everything works out, and if there is anything I can do please left me know. I always enjoy you and your husbands posts. You to seem like very nice people.
-------------------- You can only love that which you know and you can only know that which you love.
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eligal
Noobie


Registered: 05/25/05
Posts: 7,021
Loc: California
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5421046 - 03/20/06 01:22 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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wow, hope it all works out. im sure youll find a way, have you looked into payment plans?
i cant believe your mom would prefer church over a doctor...
-------------------- \m/ Spanksta \m/ "do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?" "MolokoMilkPlus said: I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job" "tactik said: respect the can."
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knowhereman
fuck ratings


Registered: 01/03/06
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: eligal]
#5421085 - 03/20/06 01:41 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I've gone through a similar situation, and i know how bad it can be not have any motivation to keep going and just to feel like complete shit. But you have to understand that as bad as it is, it is just a passive phase and sooner or later youll be looking back with new eyes. Listen to your mom and go to church..at least give it a try, nothing bad can come out of it you know. There are also things you can do for yourself, like stop smoking weed for a while (this really helped me out when i was depressed) i also recommend taking St. John's Wort to help you with depression. also try making exercise a habit, that will open the door to new activities. and eat right. other than that keep in touch with your mom and listen to the people who love you. Its an indescribable feeling when you overcome these kinds of situations.
-------------------- Everybody HA HA!
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pip182
Stranger

Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 103
Loc: Utah
Last seen: 16 years, 10 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: knowhereman]
#5421148 - 03/20/06 02:34 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Maybe your mom is right. Maybee god is trying to reach out to you, I mean, this did happen on sunday right? Go to church, I think everyone needs it. Once the spirit touches you there you feel so much better. Its great, I don't go as often as I should but I still go and it has helped me a LOT especially in getting along with my wife and being at peace with myself. God will do nothing but help you, seriously. I don't know shit about the Unitarian church or what they belive, but if their hearts are in the right place, the same spirit should be there.
But you can do what you want, this is just my advice from personal experience with god helping my life out in sooo many ways. All you need to do is start with a prayer.
Just don't be a scientologist .
My $0.02
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Peyote_Princess
dreamer


Registered: 03/16/06
Posts: 92
Loc: My own Island...
Last seen: 17 years, 8 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: pip182]
#5421254 - 03/20/06 04:26 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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It's a big thing talking to parents about stuff; I'm fairly new at living away from home and my parens aren't too happy about some of how I live my life, but they accept its my life.
I agree with others saying that your Mum is trying to help you - Church is what she knows that helps
My Mum used to cry when she saw cut marks on me, that's what helps me not to do it...
As for Satan, that's a Christian term for bad stuff... I think its a general coverall term
Please take care!
Peyote_Princess xXx
-------------------- "Was I talking? ... Did they hear me?"
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niteowl
GrandPaw


Registered: 07/01/03
Posts: 16,291
Loc:
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5422456 - 03/20/06 01:13 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I had some of the same problems your having (anxiety and depression with suicidal thoughts) and decided to seek professional help.....not a good idea btw
They shifted me from drug to drug....diagnosis to diagnosis. I never got better.......only worse
I finally found peace with myself and my environment when I started meditating on a regular basis.
It may sound simple or stupid to put that much faith in self healing.......but it worked for me.
I would try meditating weekly (if not daily) for 2-3 months, before I spent a lot of $$$ on a "professional" 
-------------------- Live for the moment you are in nowDon't be bogged down by your pastDon't be afraid of what lies in your future
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: niteowl]
#5422866 - 03/20/06 07:17 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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My mom got me a number to call. Hopefully it will be free services but if it isn't she said she'll pay. I'm so drained. I feel like I've destroyed most of my relationships over the weekend. Funny how I seem to do that so effortlessly. At work though, everyone was really sweet. I almost called in today but I pushed onward. I didn't give details but they all knew that I was feeling low and tried to help. It made me feel good to realize how much they seem to care.
So I'm calling the number tomorrow. I am desperate for relief, you see. I'm a psychotic, crazy bitch...I mean I don't know what else to do. How to live with myself. It's the same old song and dance from me, I know. The difference is that I'll be getting professional help, something I thought was impossible for me. I don't know why I've always thought that. I guess because I'm fucking broke, the "working poor," as they say. So I figured I wouldn't be able to get help even if I wanted it.
Well, I'm getting it. Sorry to be such a drag. I just would like to be happy. Wait a sec, forget that. I'd just like to be able to love myself unconditionally. It's a tall order.
I'm scared about the next few days. I haven't seen a therapist or a mental health professional in over six years. I'm scared about what they'll say.
Anyway. Thanks to everyone who has stuck by me throughout all these years on this site. You don't know how much it means.
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5423215 - 03/20/06 08:24 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I think you can get out of therapy whatever you are willing to take from it. If you go with an open mind, and you are honest and open with whomever you speak with, it could work out really well.
I hate it when people think church is the cure all for people's problems. No offense, I just think that's ridiculous. It just furthers my belief that religion is a crutch for the weak - but whatever, to each their own, ya know?
It means a lot that you are being upfront with Kevin and your mother about this, you're letting people in, letting people try to help, and that takes a LOT of courage and a LOT of trust. I'm so proud of you.
You also have a lot of people here, myself included, that will do whatever they can to help you through this tough time that lies ahead. I hope the tough time is a short one, and you come through it feeling better, with a new outlook on life.
Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk, or someone to listen.
I love you
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
#5423446 - 03/20/06 09:19 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Oh my god...I have tears in my eyes...thank you SO much!
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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5423611 - 03/20/06 10:03 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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That was really brave of you to put yourself out like that in front of your mother. Her immediate response was her version of therapy...the church. (which is good, she wants to help) But this is about YOU.
Your trying so hard to work on you and figure out your own cycles...therapy could go very well for you. You need to find someone you can talk to as a human being, not a professional. That's my thought on it, anyways. You'll feel more willing to open up and do that soul work you're craving.
Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...I'd also like to echo her sentiments. We're here for you when you need somewhere to oganize your thoughts, share the good stuff, share the bad stuff. We want to see you happy, emotionally healthy and wonderful like we know you are.
Good luck, Elle.
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5424646 - 03/21/06 10:39 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Don't go to church, if you don't do so now, there's no point in going now. Definitley do not go just to please your mother. You need to be pleasing yourself right now, not others, no pun intended. 
Go to this therapy thing, but don't look at it as a last resort type thing. People have their own way of handling tough times, not everyone needs to just blurt shit out.
When was the last time you had a good shroom trip? Have you forgotten about any of your good trips? That's what I seem to do when I feel myself getting depressed and angry, I remember all the things I was taught and shown on my trips and then I feel guily enough to where I improve my attitude and outlook on things...
Remember, life has it's peaks and valleys, you just happen to be in a valley right now, but in the distance there is that peak that it is coming...see it?
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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RandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: CherryBom]
#5425348 - 03/21/06 01:35 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
CherryBom said: Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...

And the winner is Liz!
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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5425479 - 03/21/06 02:00 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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--------------------
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: RandalFlagg]
#5425596 - 03/21/06 02:34 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
RandalFlagg said:
Quote:
CherryBom said: Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...

And the winner is Liz!

I'd like to thank the academy, my mom....
(kidding)
Seriously though, thanks...I'm nice to people who deserve it, and I my shroomery ladies more than anything (and my shroomery boys!) I'd do pretty much anything for the people I've met off of here, and I love you guys like family. Family helps family out
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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JacquesCousteau
Being.


Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 8 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: CherryBom]
#5425675 - 03/21/06 02:54 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
CherryBom said: Liz is a really well-spoken lady with a heart of gold...I'd also like to echo her sentiments. We're here for you when you need somewhere to oganize your thoughts, share the good stuff, share the bad stuff. We want to see you happy, emotionally healthy and wonderful like we know you are.
Good luck, Elle.
Not that it needs to be said, but ditto all that. I am still here for you, even if you drop a bomb of suicidal mind-fuck on me via PM once in a while 
You'll get through this, Michelle.
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Grok
Has Been a Bad Boy


Registered: 12/03/03
Posts: 1,262
Loc: Greener Pastures
Last seen: 9 years, 4 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
#5426481 - 03/21/06 05:55 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I have gone through stages in my life like this before. And I bet I will go through more at some point as well.
You have taken the first big steps in deciding you want to feel better (I always had trouble with this) and talking to those you are close to. You have the right mindset.
Nobody knows you better than yourself, so be weary of what other people suggest for you. If its not something you're interested in, I wouldn't waste the time if I were you. I could never stand the people who tried to push religion on me, even from a very young age, I just got the feeling that something was wrong with them. I agree with you, that it all leads to the same place.
Again, I don't know much about your situation, but I'll share some of the things that have helped me. I used to dwell about all my problems endlessly when I was younger. I'd get really down on myself. But eventually I came to realize that I was basically the only who spent any appreciable amount of time thinking about my problems, and that other people had much worse problems than I did but didn't worry about them nearly as much.
Cutting back on weed helped me a lot too. I don't smoke at all anymore, and have absolutly no urge to.
Mushrooms have helped me appreciate life and point me in a good direction, but it is always up to me to follow it, and entails a lot of hard work. Psychedelics are not a cure-all as some portray them to be. But taking a hard honest look inward is a good thing.
Another help to me was fasting. It is a very cleansing experience - and the clarity of mind it brings to me is reminiscent of psychedelics. By fasting you metabolize stored up toxins. I felt a huge improvement every time after I did this. Of course, you need to research it, but generally it is safe and effective. Not that hard either. Combining this (afterwards of course) with a healthy diet and exercise, plus meditation, and I feel better than I think I ever have.
Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck. I have read a lot of your posts through my time here and I really hope you get better. You are an asset to the shroomery!
-------------------- Entropy is increasing. To send me a PM, go to my journal
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Gillette
Jaded


Registered: 01/10/99
Posts: 4,058
Last seen: 6 months, 27 days
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: Liz]
#5426702 - 03/21/06 06:27 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Liz said: I'm nice to people who deserve it, and I my shroomery ladies more than anything (and my shroomery boys!) I'd do pretty much anything for the people I've met off of here, and I love you guys like family. Family helps family out
ditto.
Michelle, you know I'm always all ears to you, no matter what. I'm proud of you for always being so brutally honest, I really do love you for that. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and even more to say, maybe I could use some help. Good for you.
On to bigger and brighter days 
Love.
-------------------- ~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~ A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.
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mrsautoman
Don't DriveAngry


Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 166
Loc: Dirty South
Last seen: 14 years, 4 months
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: MOTH]
#5428669 - 03/22/06 03:24 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Man, I'm sorry I saw this post so late in the game. I'm gonna toss in a few thoughts anyway.
On the issue of therapy: I think there is something to be said for giving it a go with a mental health professional. Talking to your friends is nice, but you need a neutral, experienced ear right now.
Now about that mom... My mom is the minister of a non-denominational spirit-filled christian church. When I read your post it rang a lot of bells for me. The whole time I was growing up everything my mom feared or did not understand was automatically of satan. Now that I'm all growed up I can only wish that things were really that simple.
I'm glad to hear she is offering to pony up some cash even though you were none-too-thrilled about taking her suggestions. Is she trying to push you into a christian based therapy? I would try to seek other avenues of assistance if this is the case. The problem is not in your soul, it's in your head.
Adults should not let other people set their priorities for them. Don't fall into the trap of being beholden to her dogma just because you are asking for her help.
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~I was born of a voice untimely, the so-called echo of a man's ordure~
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MOTH
Wild Woman


Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Confessions to mom: she knows (almost) everything now. [Re: mrsautoman]
#5429384 - 03/22/06 10:34 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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More thanks is due to everyone who replied...
I'm about to call the number. I was supposed to do it yesterday but I put it off. I'm feeling really freaked out about calling that number.
I'm about to do it though.
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