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Jadian
Ninja


Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 7,404
Loc: The desert
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
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<3 Mitch Hedberg
#5369427 - 03/06/06 12:46 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I miss you funny man.
Funniest fucker I've ever heard.
-------------------- LNC's official Alaskan stoner
 
Edited by Jadian (03/06/06 01:52 AM)
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Koala Koolio
TTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGG

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 7,752
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Jadian]
#5369448 - 03/06/06 12:55 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Yep. (HedbErg)
Stuff not on the CDs:
?I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction.
?I'm sick of Soup of the Day, man, it's time we make a decision . I need to know what soup from now on is.
?I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a three-way light bulb. If you don't know your light bulb's a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head cause you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Dammit light bulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do. Then you turn it again and once more it gets brighter. I will break you.
?If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals, you will run out.
?I saw this woman with a kid and I said, "How old is the kid?" She said, "She's about two." That means she's either 1 or 3!
?I'm glad the weather report gave a wind chill factor because I was going to fly a kite and I wanted to know how cold it was going to be.
?I'm lactose intolerant, I have to eat my cereal with a fork.
?If I owned my own vending machine, I would fill it up with those fun size mini candy bars you see at Halloween and I would put a magnifying glass on the front of it, so when people paid full price for the mini-candy bar, it would be too late when they saw the big size candy bar was really a mini one.
?One of these days I'm going to beat my shoes... for all my life I?ve been tying them.
?I was walking down the street and I saw a leprechaun, except this leprechaun was dressed in all yellow. So I thought... hey, maybe he's just a midget!
?A comma... is really an apostrophe that fell.
?I saw a lady in a grocery store and she had a cart, and in the cart she had cream corn and bread. Now that's normal enough, as long as she doesn't go to the cash register now. Otherwise that fucking lady likes cream corn sandwiches.
?They say that celery is made of 95 % water. So when I'm drinking water, I'm almost eating celery.
?I moved into a new apartment, but I guess that its a bad neighborhood because last night I heard a shot then saw 2 guys run past the window. I was going to call the cops and then I just got optimistic and thought, maybe they were having a race. "What's the new neighborhood like?" "It's Ok, but they do have a lot of late night track and field events though.
?f I was the headless horseman's horse, I would mess with him. No... I'm not going toward the hay. Can you imagine if the headless horseman's head was headless? That would be total CHAOS. I always wished I had a headless horseman joke. Now I have two.
?That joke came off the top of my head. But that's not the funny part. The funny part is the back of my neck.
?Listerine makes you mad, that shit hurts. When you gargle with Listerine it hurts your mouth, you know. As soon as you put that sh?t in your mouth, you're like mad at everything.
?If you drink O?Doul?s, you?re not drinking. But if you drink 20 O?Doul?s in a half hour, you?re a f?ckin? non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too; and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.
?A magic carpet is a carpet that flies... but a magic carpet to me would be one that vacuums itself.
?I'd tried to laugh all the way to the bank but my bank was too far... I need a closer bank or a funnier joke.
?Dr. Scholl's helps feet and he's a doctor. That means he went to school for a bunch of years. But it doesn't take a bunch of school to find out that your foot feels better when you put a pad under it. He wasted all those years. I mean, I would have bought them from a Mr. Scholls or even a Senor Scholls.
?I wear a necklace so I know when I'm upside down.
?I was in my hotel's shower, and I starting washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?!?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.
?I saw a man eating steak, drinking milk, and wearing a leather jacket. Congratulations, you are now a cow. The metamorphoses is complete.
?It would be cool if Spiderman shot hammocks. You are not a criminal, but you need to relax. Now find two trees that are close together...
?I ate some sunflower seeds, then I ate some dirt... I'm fuckin' nervous now.
?I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?
?I'd like to see a magician do his whole act with a tank top on. He wouldn't be so fuckin' magical then.
?I saw a commercial where a guy used Dawn dishwashing soap to clean oil off of a duck. If you ever get oil on your duck, do not buy Joy.
?I don't have a burglar alarm, but I do have a sticker that says "Caution: No Air Inside." It would be better to have a sticker that said "Caution: Monster Inside." Then the robber would say "damn, where did he get a monster? I'd better not go in there."
?I would imagine that if you understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. ?Shut up, I don?t understand. 'Chair the we to (Share the weed too),' I don?t get it.?
?I drove by a company that sells manufactured homes. But these are repossessed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away. ?Knock, knock, knock. Hi, could you go cut your grass... then look that way for half an hour??
?At my hotel they have a complimentary breakfast which is served between 7 and 10am. As soon as my alarm clock goes off I say... "F?ck It, I'll pay."
?I like to get four people who do cart wheels very good and make a cart.
?I got a Sharpie... it says "not for letter writing." Aww man, that sucks. Now I have to communicate to my dad using numbers.
?I love cottage cheese, that's why I wanna try other dwelling cheeses too. I wanna try studio apartment cheese, or maybe igloo cheese. Or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. Don't eat mobile home cheese during a tornado. It would be devastating.
?I wanna rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money, or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich... you will be cute."
?You know how when you give a dog a bone, they always go and bury that thing, right? Well I'm gonna give a dog a bone, then watch him and see where he buries it; then I'm gonna go plant a tree there and put a whole bunch of bones on the tree. And the dog is gonna be like... "Hell yeah, it's about time this worked!"
?Somebody once asked me to come up with a sentence that starts good and ends bad, so I said... OK. ... My girlfriend works at Hooter's... in the kitchen.
?I bought some WD-39, because my door was squeaking, but not that bad.
?I'd like to see the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid. I bet it'd be real f?cking clean!"
?Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
?That would be cool if you lived as a monster. You would never get hiccups.
?Magicians disappear all the time. Soon as a regular person does it everyone gets f?ckin' scared.
?I've been working at a lot of colleges lately. I perform at the college and I always buy the college shirt because they are quality shirts and they are colorful but people always get the wrong idea. Like I will be wearing a Washington University shirt and some guy will say, "Hey! Washington University. Did you go there? Yea... it was a Wednesday."
?Everyone says dolphins are intelligent...Well there has to be some dumbass dolphin out there. And I will find him. Most likely in a lake.
?I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say... "You're home."
?I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I said... "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"
?I bought a vest today.... if I lost my arms it would be a coat!
?I saw a commercial that said: "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
?When it comes to racism, people say, 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green.' Purple or green? Hold on a minute... you gotta draw the line somewhere... to hell with purple people... unless they're suffocating... then HELP 'em.
?I have a problem with stage freight, especially when I'm high. I always seem to imagine that everyone is running toward me all at once while I'm on stage, but then suddenly stop. And sit down.
?Advil comes with a candy coating on it. It's delicious, but they say on the bottle "Don't take more than 2 at a time." Well, don't put a f?cking candy coating on it then. I got a sweet tooth.
?I saw a person selling beer, and it said it was ice cold. I hope not, because then it would be impossible to drink. I guess I can lick it.
?I tried to throw a yo-yo away.. it was f?cking impossible.
?Why is there only A1 sauce for steak? I bet B2 would be better, f?ck C3... motherf?cking D4 sauce, you couldn?t handle it.
?Last night I worked for half the door, tonight I worked for half the door... tomorrow I should have a whole door.
?My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero down there?
?Did you ever think a hippopotamus was just a really cool opotamous?
?This sh?t is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny sh?t. Funny sh?t would be if you took a sh?t, and it came out looking like a... sword.
?A waiter came up to me backstage and said, "I got a joke for you." So I said, "What am I supposed to give you in return, a drink?"
?My apartment is haunted. I came home the other day and I saw a sheet lying on the ground, I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked the motherf?cker.
?I wished they made a fajita-scented cologne, that sh?t smells f?cking good.
?A burrito is just a sleeping bag for ground beef.
?I got new balance shoes on, but they're old, so I keep falling.
?This is so unusual to hear so much applause... I think you're trying to trick me and make me think I'm done.
?I got an idea for sweatshops... AIR CONDITIONING! Problem solved.
?I was at a convenient store reading a magazine and the clerk said sorry this isn't a library. I said, "OK, I will talk louder."
?I was gonna stay over night at my friend's house, he said you?re gonna have to sleep on the floor... damm gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.
?I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
?Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite into and miss.
?One time I saw a seagull at a lake and I told him, "Dude I won't tell anybody."
?I gave a cat a ball of yarn and she batted it back to me, as if to say, "Don't you know? I can't knit."
?This is a theater show. You know what the difference between a club show and a theater show is? The absence of bricks. Apparently, bricks make people funnier. You should see me around a construction site. I?m f?cking hilarious.
?Some people think that those drug-sniffing dogs are real smart. Not me. Those f?ckers are tattle-tales.
?...I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurant, you know I?ve never been in a rotating restaurant but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it and I gave her a burrito.
?I like the FedEx Driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says Mitchell, "Where's the drugs?" I just say call the 1-800 number... your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 am and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for.
?I played golf once, I never got good at it, I never got a hole in one but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. I hit a guy in a hole in one. You should always get a hole in one when you hit a guy. If you take more than one stroke to hit a guy, you're an asshole.
?I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... unless you are a table.
?I can't wait until this set is over because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.
?I worked for a fundraiser. We raised money to buy one of those machines that keeps track of how much money you've raised.
?I have a few drinks before the show. My manager says, "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch. A crutch helps you walk. Liquor seriously screws up the way I walk. It's not like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
?Whenever I'm with my friends, I make sure we're sitting clockwise so that way if we're photographed, we're easy to identify. You didn't get that one? Neither did I. I don't know why I do it. A part of me won't let it go.
?The last time I called shotgun, we rented a limo, so I fucked up.
-------------------- You're not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper, boiled football leather... dog breath. We're not hitch-hiking anymore, we're riding!
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TheDude
is waiting forthe peak

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 2,876
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Jadian]
#5369453 - 03/06/06 12:57 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Coming up on one year. I got me one of these.
-------------------- "this lebowski he called himself 'the dude'. now, 'dude', that's a name no one would self-apply where i come from but there was a lot about the dude that didn't make sense to me...."--the Stranger
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Koala Koolio
TTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGG

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 7,752
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: TheDude]
#5369455 - 03/06/06 12:58 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I want one!
-------------------- You're not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper, boiled football leather... dog breath. We're not hitch-hiking anymore, we're riding!
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TheDude
is waiting forthe peak

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 2,876
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Head over to his site and pick one up! Fast delivery, well worth it.
-------------------- "this lebowski he called himself 'the dude'. now, 'dude', that's a name no one would self-apply where i come from but there was a lot about the dude that didn't make sense to me...."--the Stranger
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Redstorm
Prince of Bugs



Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 44,175
Last seen: 3 months, 11 days
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Jadian]
#5369527 - 03/06/06 01:32 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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You know what's weird? I've never heard him before.
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Jadian
Ninja


Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 7,404
Loc: The desert
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: TheDude]
#5369593 - 03/06/06 02:07 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I think I'm gonna get that, that's fucking funny. Fucker makes me laugh when I'm high like nobody else.
-------------------- LNC's official Alaskan stoner
 
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In(di)go
People of the sun.


Registered: 10/29/00
Posts: 8,157
Loc: Cologne, Germany
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Quote:
?I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... unless you are a table.
--------------------
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Herbus
...

Registered: 10/19/04
Posts: 1,477
Loc: Reading the map...
Last seen: 10 years, 23 days
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: In(di)go]
#5370185 - 03/06/06 09:03 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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WAIT WHAT HAPPENED TO MITCH HEDBURG?!
-------------------- ...
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Koala Koolio
TTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGG

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 7,752
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Herbus]
#5370189 - 03/06/06 09:05 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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He died a year ago. Coke and heroin overdose.
-------------------- You're not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper, boiled football leather... dog breath. We're not hitch-hiking anymore, we're riding!
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Herbus
...

Registered: 10/19/04
Posts: 1,477
Loc: Reading the map...
Last seen: 10 years, 23 days
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg
Just found this out. Very sad, this guy fuckin' rocked.
Him and Dane Cook, I hope Dane Cook doesn't OD, too.
Damn this guy was funny, too bad. Really too bad.
Supposedly he was asking the crowd for drugs... anything they had, in some of his later performances...
-------------------- ...
Edited by Herbus (03/06/06 09:10 AM)
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Aninator
Flashtique


Registered: 01/03/06
Posts: 2,228
Loc: Philadlephia, PA
Last seen: 7 months, 2 days
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Herbus]
#5370347 - 03/06/06 10:30 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Man i fucking LOVE Mitch Hedberg i heard about him about a year ago. I mean given his performances I was not surprised to hear that he overdosed. It's such a shame though cause he was SOOOOOO good.
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Koala Koolio
TTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGG

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 7,752
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Aninator]
#5370597 - 03/06/06 11:49 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I used to use drugs.
I still do, but I used to too!
-------------------- You're not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper, boiled football leather... dog breath. We're not hitch-hiking anymore, we're riding!
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aNeway2sayHooray
Cresley Wusher



Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 7,653
Loc: Orphic Trench
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I love mitch hedburg,he is funy as hell.
-------------------- Mad_Larkin said: Death is just a thang.
MrJellineck said: Profits, prophets. That's all you jews think about. sheekle said: life is drugs... and music... and cat...
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Penguarky Tunguin
f n o r d

Registered: 08/08/04
Posts: 17,192
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Jadian]
#5370672 - 03/06/06 12:10 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I prefer Bill Hicks and Doug Stanhope, but Hedberg was still damn good...just not great like those two.
If you've never heard Stanhope, listen to him, I've never laughed harder in my life. I've got a bunch of his bootlegs too.
-------------------- Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.
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Silversoul
Rhizome


Registered: 01/01/05
Posts: 23,576
Loc: The Barricades
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Jadian]
#5370685 - 03/06/06 12:13 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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* I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
* All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."
* I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
* I'm going to open up my own chain of comedy clubs, Price is Right style. There will be no one on the bill, just a bunch of people in the audience with name tags on. Then someone will get on the microphone, "John Chicattee come on down.... and you better be fucking funny!"
* Fuck you, that was funny. * The host said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain... waiting for my name.
* Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...
* I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says, "Mitchell, where's the drugs?" I just say, "Call the 1-800 number." Your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 AM and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for.
* When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure ... but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Smokey is way more intense in person"
* Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!."
* Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
* If you can convince an American that they are in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine.
* I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
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Edited by Paradigm (03/06/06 12:28 PM)
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guri
Master of theimprobablitydrive

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 576
Loc: PNWish.
Last seen: 15 years, 7 months
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: Silversoul]
#5370915 - 03/06/06 01:35 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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-------------------- "If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? The Beatles were so fucking high, they let Ringo sing a few songs." --Bill Hicks
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Koala Koolio
TTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGGTTAGGG

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 7,752
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: guri]
#5371059 - 03/06/06 02:24 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Yeah, text doesn't do him justice... unless you've heard the stuff before. Then it's 'fuckin ridiculous'.
-------------------- You're not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper, boiled football leather... dog breath. We're not hitch-hiking anymore, we're riding!
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TheDudeAbides
Livin Off FrostyBarley Pops andPork Soda


Registered: 10/23/01
Posts: 3,571
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
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I prefer Hicks over any comedian - But I find Mitch a close second. Their styles were pretty similar but very different.
I have pretty much every comedy special he made - Luckily.
Great thread!
-------------------- outputrotation said: x-com and unsolved mysteries are the only things that have ever made me truly scared
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PinballWizard
Naive and Gullible as usual

Registered: 03/20/04
Posts: 2,804
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
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Re: <3 Mitch Hedburg [Re: guri]
#5371098 - 03/06/06 02:36 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Bookmarked. The Crank Yankers one is great.
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