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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Growing Old.
#5367714 - 03/05/06 03:15 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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When I was younger and my father was sick with cancer, my mom spent most nights with him in the hospital. My little brother and I were 2 and 5 years old at the time, and stayed with my grandparents most of the time. They were amazing. Even though they were in their 60s and having 2 young children in their house 24/7 must have been completely exhausting, they were wonderful, for us, and for my mother, who needed them then more than ever. Even when my father died, and my mother fell apart, my grandparents were the glue that held us together. They got her in to counseling, took care of us, helped us through our grief, and helped our family through his death.
I've always remained close with them. My father's parents live out in Arizona, and I don't get to see them much. My mother's parents have always been close to us. I lived in the apartment upstairs from them with my mom and dad when I was a baby, and when we moved and got a house of our own, it was only on the other side of town - a 5 minute drive at most. Now my parents live about an hour away from them, and I live with my boyfriend, also about an hour from them. I don't see them nearly as much as I should, but we talk often and have always remained close. They're so supportive. When I fuck up, lose a job, get in a fight with my mother - whatever the situation may be, god are they supportive. They just listen, and offer their words of wisdom, tell me how proud they are of me, and how much they love me. I always hang up the phone feeling better.
Last night my boyfriend and I went to go see them for dinner. We talked about my new job, and how they've been doing, and my plans for the future, some trips they're planning on taking. My grandfather has been hard of hearing for a while now, but, I mean, he'd OLD, that's to be expected. Lately the same thing has been happening with my grandmother - you basically have to YELL for them to hear you. Lately though, my grandfather gets confused, and can't grasp things. He must have asked me the same questions 4 times each last night "Where is your new job again?" "What's the name of this place?" "Do they have any other branches?". I answered him over and over, and each time just wanted to cry, because I knew in 5 minutes, he wouldn't remember what I had said. Both of them kept messing up and calling my boyfriend by my ex-boyfriend's name. At one point, we were talking about our recent trip to Canada, and the topic came up of Niagra Falls, and my grandfather said "I would love to see that, once before I ...." and he trailed off. I knew he was thinking "Once before I die". He changed his sentence and said "I would love to see that once sometime". But just the thought of him dying absolutely panicked me. Not for selfish reasons, of course I'll miss him, and I'll grieve, but more because it brought to mind a conversation I had with my mother a few years back. She made a comment about how worried she was about which one of them would pass away first. They've been married for about 60 years, and are completely dependant on one another. If my grandmother died first, my grandfather would have noone to take care of him. Obviously my mother would insist that he moved in with them, so that he would have assistance and wouldn't be lonely - but I don't think he would survive long without my grandmother. Same goes for her - she lives to take care of him. She's such an excellent wife, and so patient as he slows down little by little. The way they still look at eachother after so long, and the way he smiles at her when she holds his hand makes my heart want to burst, that 2 people can care for eachother so much, and THROUGH so much, and grow old together and only need that one person to guide them through. If he died first, she would have noone to take care of, and I think she would fall apart fairly quickly.
I don't really know why I made this post. I guess in some ways looking at them makes me realize my own mortality, and that some day, I will slow down, and become weaker, and dependant on others for basic things. That makes me sad. But more than that, it makes me happy that they have eachother to hang on to during the twilight years of their life. I hope I am that lucky someday.
As we left last night, my grandmother insisted that we take the leftovers home of the meal that she prepared, as she always does. She's such a typical Jewish grandmother And my grandfather said to my boyfriend, as we left "Take care of our granddaughter, we're counting on you". He stood at the door and waved the whole time as we got in the car and drove away.
I hope they know how much the time I spend with them means to me, and I hope they know they can't count on me someday, as I've always counted on them.
But most of all, I hope they know how much they are loved.
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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Hendostan


Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 4,444
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5367839 - 03/05/06 03:51 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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i'm sure they do coming to grips with death is just part of the process of growing old...i'm sure they both have had more than enough time to think about it. what they want is to enjoy the time that's left, and you obviously are a great source of joy in their life. keep visiting them and gain as much knowledge and wisdom as you can. let them know how much they've meant to you in your life...i think when the end is in sight, i will want to know that i made a lasting difference in someone that will carry on once i'm gone  it's sad in some aspects, but there is also a lot of happiness to be gained from the successful completion of a life. i don't know you but i'd hug you if i could! well, i sorta do, but metaphorically speaking....fuck, here ya go  p.s. when did you change your name?
Edited by Hendostan (03/05/06 03:57 PM)
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Hendostan]
#5367860 - 03/05/06 03:57 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Thank you for your post, I'm sure you're very right 
And you do know me, sort of...I was ifallapart until I had my nick changed (I think about a week ago?)
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
Edited by Liz (03/05/06 03:59 PM)
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Hendostan


Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 4,444
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5367872 - 03/05/06 04:00 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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yeah, i realized that and edited
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Hendostan


Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 4,444
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Hendostan]
#5367875 - 03/05/06 04:02 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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i totally miss talking with you...i'm not in touch with many people i know from here anymore. i hope for the best with you, through any difficulties.
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Hendostan]
#5367930 - 03/05/06 04:18 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Thank you 
You have my AIM name...use it!
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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Roadkill
Retired Shroomery Mod


Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 22,674
Loc: Montana
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5367937 - 03/05/06 04:20 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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awwwww
what a beautiful post Liz!~
very sweet, very touching and heart felt.
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all of my grandparents are long gone.
both of my parents are gone...Dad 12 years ago and my Mom going on 7 years now.
most of my Aunts and Uncles are gone...just a few left. Mom had 12 brothers and sisters...just one left. Dad had 7 brothers and sisters...just one left.
I had older parents...so my time with them and the rest of my relatives was cut shorter than most...they were 45 year old when they had me. Sometimes I feel cheated.
but...I have wonderful memories of my family that are departed.
The loss of my Mother was very difficult for me...we were very close. She was one of my best friends.
I remember going to California and visiting some relatives a few months after she died... and I called to tell her what a wonderful time I was having. and while the phone was ringing...I remembered that she was gone. It was a terrible feeling!~ I felt lost and alone for a few minutes...and I broke down in tears.
I think of wonderful times these days... times spent taking her to the grocery store every Thursday. Of all the wonderful talks that we had...I was lucky that my Mom was so open minded. I could talk to her about anything...ANYTHING!~
and what have I learned?
that I want my children to feel the same about me....
when I'm gone!~

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Quote:
And my grandfather said to my boyfriend, as we left "Take care of our granddaughter, we're counting on you".
that base is covered!~
I think that you will grow old together and have the same kind of relationship that your grand parents have...which is very cool to see. I love seeing old couples walking on the beach holding each others hands... if I had one wish...I'd wish this for everyone. That is true love...in my book!~
much to you and bro!~
damn you for getting me all teary eyed!~ lolzz
tc
-------------------- Laterz, Road Who the hell you callin crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating froot loops on your front porch! Brainiac said: PM the names with on there names, that means they have mushrooms for sale.
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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5367966 - 03/05/06 04:36 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I've been wondering the same kinds of things the past couple of days....
My grandmother is my Mugga. When I was little I didn't know how to say Grandma, so I just used Mugga and it stuck. I always tell her how lucky I am because no one else on the entire planet has a Mugga. Just me.
She's in her early 80's and she just got out the hospital for having 3 strokes in a row. That's quite a few for an old lady. They had to cut open her face to clear away the blockages and she's got a big scar from it. She told me all about how scared she was when it happened and watching the Olympics in the hospital.
I just love her so much, and I know her time is coming. This lady who lived through the depression, war, the feminist movement, a sexual revolution, 3 children, 11 grand babies and like 83 Christmases. and she was the first one to hold me when I came into this world. She's just loved me uncondtionally since then, and I'm so lucky.
What does it feel like for her to wonder if this hospital bed is the last feeling she will ever have on her skin? If this is finally the very last birthday? What will happen to my family when I'm just not there anymore? How aware of time is she? Is she scared? She doesn't seem scared. She seems peaceful. I guess that's good.
I just love her so much...I don't mean to ramble in your thread, it just popped up while I had it on my mind.
People really do need to respect thier elders. Living a long life on this earth is worthy of a crown...or a tiara. 
Thank you so much for this thread, Liz...I'm going to write my Mugga a letter.
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Jadian
Ninja


Registered: 07/07/05
Posts: 7,404
Loc: The desert
Last seen: 6 years, 1 month
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: CherryBom]
#5368064 - 03/05/06 05:24 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I know exactly what you mean Cherry, I had a Mammy and Bampa (hey little kids say funny stuff) and I always felt like they were the most special people to me. My parents split when I was 2 or so, so they were really the complete family that cared for me. I went over to their house every week multiple times until I was 12 and got sent to live with my dad in Pennslyvania.
It killed me when my Bampa died, I was a freshmen, and it was the first death I had to deal with at an age where I fully comprehended it. Not to mention the fact that he was the only real father figure role model in my life. He was a great person overall, nicest guy anyone who ever met him would know. Aw shit I'm getting teary. I'm just glad he got to see the Patriots win the superbowl the day before he died, he was waiting a while to see that again.
Anyway now my grandmother lives in Maine, next door to her daughter and her wonderful kids. I could tell she was lonely there at first, since then two of her other kids moved back to Maine to be with her for (what we all know) will be her past couple years. Although this is a lady that smoked (and still does) for 60-some odd years and seems healthier than I am.
Grr, this is bringing up too many fucking things I never dealt with. I'll never forgive my dad for not coming to HIS OWN fathers funeral because of arguments with family.
I'm way off track, but I just wanted to pop in and say I loved my grandparents with all my heart, and I'm really sad I don't get to see them weekly anymore.
I'm still a kid really but I feel like I'm understanding what growing old is
-------------------- LNC's official Alaskan stoner
 
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Yarry
Old Timer


Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 23,762
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5368083 - 03/05/06 05:33 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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wow. VERY nice post liz. i love and hate thoughts like that. I love thinking and coming to grips with what people around me mean to me and what life is like with them. Conversely it makes me think of life without them.. which depresses the fuck outta me.
Live life, Love People, and just be happy!
-------------------- Grumpy Old Man.
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RandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5368094 - 03/05/06 05:38 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Seeing the people you love grow old is gut-wrenching and overwhelming. It seems so cruel that people who used to exhibit such sharpness and vitality can appear so hobbled and dependent. I wish there were feel-good things I could say about such situations, but there aren't. This stuff is painful to experience and that is that. The only thing you can do is cherish their presence and the things that they have brought into your life.
Most of the men in my father's family (my father, his father, etc...) die in their 40's from strokes. So, I surmise that I will go around that age as well. The women in my mother's family always live well into their 70's and 80's, so she will probably outlive me. I'm kind of glad that I will probably go that young. I could not deal with seeing my mother and certain other people pass away. However, I don't even want to think of how she will react to me dying. She will be crushed.
People deal with the harsh and painful realities of life differently. Some people face and accept it. Other people stifle and try to ignore it (that's what I do). But, when things do start to get to me, I think of God. He and I are not too chummy on most days for various reasons. But, I anticipate that one day I will stand before Him and He will accept me for all of my flaws and I will see the people I love and we will be showered in indescribable love and acceptance.
Edited by RandalFlagg (03/05/06 05:41 PM)
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LuNaTiX
Quarterback



Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 5,142
Last seen: 3 months, 16 days
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5368115 - 03/05/06 05:47 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I enjoyed ur post, this is the kind of story I like to see posted on here. Family is everything, it took me awhile to learn this, and I hope everyone else realizes this too someday.
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: LuNaTiX]
#5368429 - 03/05/06 07:39 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I'm happy you guys liked my post, and happy it got some of you thinking about your family even 
Sorry to make you teary eyed Roadkill, I was a bit weepy writing it myself 
Bom, same thing with my Minya - I couldn't say grandma, so I said Minya and it stuck Now everyone calls her Minya - there was even a big debate one thanksgiving on how to spell it correctly. They had to ask me, since I was the one who created it
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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Liz
Owl Lady



Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 6,962
Loc: Massachusetts
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Quote:
RandalFlagg said: However, I don't even want to think of how she will react to me dying. She will be crushed.
I remember when I was 6 and my Dad died, my grandparents from Arizona were here, in Boston, when it happened. I had never seen my grandfather on that side cry, and I don't think I have since. But I remember him completely losing it and punching the wall of the hospital room, and sobbing that noone should ever have to bury a child. I hope you long outlive your mother, and I hope you're around way longer than 40 years. I'd like to play scrabble with you when we're like 50
-------------------- Remember, remember the fifth of November The gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot.
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AislingGheal
A wave on the ocean



Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 988
Loc: Northern Ohio
Last seen: 2 years, 5 days
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5368517 - 03/05/06 08:10 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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A lovely and touching post Liz. My father suffers from Alzheimers Disease and this post strikes very close to home, to you and everyone who's responded to this thread you all have my deepest love
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"I hate having to pick between the lesser of two evils. But I'm glad Obama was elected. McCain was another war monger. I'd rather deal with our country going into debt than trying to take on afghanistan...oh wait FUCK!" - Fungus_tao
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Dreamer987
The VerbalHerman Munster


Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 5,326
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 16 years, 1 month
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Re: Growing Old. [Re: Liz]
#5370678 - 03/06/06 12:11 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Its so much easier to come to terms with your own mortality, than to come to term with the peoples you love.
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