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Disco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
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let me think....
#5352105 - 03/01/06 02:54 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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I just went throught a weird experience with shrooms, and it's my fault coz I made the promise that I wouldn't use them before, but I got to thinking. God is in control of the devil, but the devil can be in control of us because God allows it. It's like discipline that you gotta go through. Anyways, my promise to God, and my mother, has been that I won't psychedelic trip anymore. I broke that promise and it hurts, but then that's discipline. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do in the spiritual hurting stage besides not trip. I guess talk to people is the thing, but it's a weird subject to talk about and I'm not sure if many people get it. What do you think? I want to really say that I won't trip again, but I can't tell. It's pretty easy to not trip, but I forget sometimes, and it always turns out bad. So if there was a way I could get out of it I would, but I can't. Any understanding will make this a lot easier for me.
This should have been in the mysticism/religion forum, sorry. I feel like I'm being wrung out to squeeze everything that's impure out of me. Wish it were over.
Edited by Disco Cat (03/01/06 03:00 AM)
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Disco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
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Re: let me think.... [Re: Disco Cat]
#5352160 - 03/01/06 03:30 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Now I feel like a popped baloon but not quite ready to be blown up yet. And I found out that God is a sexual tease, but I learned lessons and made descicions about my personal boundaries, which is something I never did before. This is interesting, but there's still more in me I've got to squash and I don't yet know what it is. The hurting isn't as bad now, but I do wish it would be over. ha, whatever... I think.
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a_h_w
Stranger
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Re: let me think.... [Re: Disco Cat]
#5352384 - 03/01/06 05:32 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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i feel like you have a decision to make. and it's not really about keeping promises. do you or do you not want to use shrooms? if you do, what exactly is your purpose when taking them? you say it always hurts you in the end, why? what happens, and what does it make you feel?
I think this could be a good starting point for you to work yourself out.
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dorkus
don't look back
Registered: 04/12/04
Posts: 1,511
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a five year old girl loves to play [Re: Disco Cat]
#5352441 - 03/01/06 06:29 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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The Devil knows not who he works for. Ram Dass
Don't think I'm in danger, no, I know I'm not in danger.
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leery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
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Re: a five year old girl loves to play [Re: dorkus]
#5353850 - 03/01/06 03:03 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Seems like the devil is just the shadow of mankind, all things humanity rejects.
But rejecting it does not mean that you destroy it, it only gives it power.
I.e. drinking is a lot more fun when you're underage and everyone thinks it's wrong for you to do it.
Drugs are cool because breaking laws is cool because authority is stupid.
etc.
I don't know that there is a tangible devil, but we all have a shadow, a demon, etc, that represents all facets of our personality too "wrong" to cope with and accept, and as long as we further repress and lash out against this tormenter, the stronger "he" becomes... some choose to personify it as an external individual ala Satan.
likewise we have a good inside of us too which we personify as God.
But do they exist outside the minds of humans? That's hard to say, if so the only way to get in tune with them is to go inside your mind in the first place.... become schizophrenic, do lots of psychedelics, meditate a ton...... etc...... no NORMAL people are able to converse with God or Satan or have any real experential proof that such forces exist.
I think it all boils down to this... are you ready to accept the inner divine, and nurture it, and grow into it and become transformed? That is God. That is you becoming God.
But what do I know!? Nothing. But. Everything. Probably a mix between the two.
-------------------- I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo! ....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human...... Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!
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Disco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
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Re: let me think.... [Re: a_h_w]
#5354223 - 03/01/06 05:04 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
a_h_w said: i feel like you have a decision to make. and it's not really about keeping promises. do you or do you not want to use shrooms? if you do, what exactly is your purpose when taking them? you say it always hurts you in the end, why? what happens, and what does it make you feel?
I think this could be a good starting point for you to work yourself out.
I'd love to keep doing shrooms, and other psychs. But every time it becomes a spiritual hell, and leaves me feeling crushed and empty afterwards. The best trip I ever had was my first, tho none other have been similar to it, but they've all been similar to each other in a seemingly negative way. I've been frustrated for ages that most other people have no difficulties with their trip, and are never left feeling empty, for what seems like a life-long permenance. It would be easy to walk away from it all if I had pals who were constructive with their time and shared similar desires in life, but all the people I know are somewhat sleaze's and don't believe in accomplishing great things. So it feels like either I do like they do or I do nothing all by myself. And I tend to do a lot of nothing by myself. But despite what I wish I could do with psychs I think it's time I let go and move on. The last several years have gone down the drain due to my obsession with fighting what I can't seem to beat. On top of that my mom said if I don't stop it will kill her, and I don't doubt it with all she's been through. The stakes are too high for me to keep this up, and I know psychs are no requirement for a great life. I just can't explain why it is like it is for me. Wish I could get involved in some good things with good groups of people (no offence to the pals I've got, but I need someone similar to me), but I don't know how.
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Deviate
newbie
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Re: let me think.... [Re: Disco Cat]
#5355658 - 03/01/06 10:57 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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So it feels like either I do like they do or I do nothing all by myself. And I tend to do a lot of nothing by myself.
sounds a lot like my life. this semester i got involved with an after school program tutoring elemtary school kids who are having trouble learning to read and write and so far its really been a good experience for me. i find that when i don't know what to do with myself, helping other people can sometimes be the only thing which feels rewarding.
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a_h_w
Stranger
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Re: let me think.... [Re: Deviate]
#5356391 - 03/02/06 05:32 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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maybe the first key would be changing what you do in the time you spend with yourself. if instead of doing nothing you could bring yourself to have some serious fun or even pain, you could then have a different perspective on things when you spend time with others. I know how hard that can be. I'll share my personal experience. I've been interested in literature, religion, metaphysics, etc... for a long time. I love creating and recording music. I love writing. Yet, for many years I failed to seriously pursue my own goals. I still fail at some points. but progressively I've built more and more space in my life for these things that I love. nowadays I can easily submerge myself in an ongoing spruce of multiple activities. for me this was the way. I like having multiple things going on. reading several books all at once. not necessarily in a fast pace. I can do it really slow. but in order to keep going, I keep changing. jumping from one train to the next. then coming back after some time to amaze myself at the freshness of the landscape revisited. I agree that you don't need psychs to have a great life. but to understand better your difficult relationship with psychs: do you do them alone or with friends? what kind of dosage you usually take?
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a_h_w
Stranger
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Re: let me think.... [Re: a_h_w]
#5356408 - 03/02/06 05:43 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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another thing I forgot to share with you. my first trips were very scary. for a long time I felt like I kept failing and most likely I was not made to use these substances. there was a lot of pain with brief moments of insight and occasional joy. I walked out of many experiences absolutely shattered. things were so different in between the two worlds that when going for an experience I always had delusional expectations of what was to unfold and was then shocked with what I had to face. slowly I learned to cross the bridge as the two worlds progressively entwine into one single way of life. I still agree with you as far as not taking psychs is concerned. do you live with your mother?
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Disco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
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Re: let me think.... [Re: a_h_w]
#5358313 - 03/02/06 04:51 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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When I do psych's it's usually a medium dose, though I find that the same intensity of bad experiences can come through no matter how mig or small the dose. I also am always with other people, though that hurts as much as it helps. It hurts because the people I know and would do any drug with are mentally shallow people, honestly beyond average, and for the most part they don't empathize or try to console in a bad situation. They might start blabbing as if they have the answer to everything when they are just ignorant of the very basic basics of just being a human being, or a friend. They also might just not say anything in response if I try to explain something, but there isn't really an inbetween reaction, there's no "I'm here with you and want to help you out" attitude. Oddly tho they can relate to each other in their shallowness, and, to them, that gives them assurance that they are in the right of things and I'm just an un-understandable anomally. If I trip alone I'm going to get scared a lot sooner. I'll feel like I'm exposed and being attacked pretty quick, and once that starts nothing stops it. A great feeling of nameless guilt, or shame comes over me and I don't have a way of denying that guilt, and then I feel guilty for wanting to deny that guilt.
Yeah, I do live with my mom.
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a_h_w
Stranger
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Re: let me think.... [Re: Disco Cat]
#5361024 - 03/03/06 09:43 AM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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ok. I do think that if you are to try psychs again, and given your current level of experience with these substances, you should do it alone in a private place that you know well, preferably your own home. the reason I asked you about living with your mother is that I comprehend very well all the difficulties such a situation may imply. In my personal case I had a terrible time when my mother found out some cannabis in my room. I had to force myself to promise I wouldn't smoke it again, then continue smoking and denying I did, etc... only when I married and went on to live alone with my wife did I finally found freedom. I started to use psychs when I was already living with my wife, so my mom has no idea about this, and I think it's much better this way. our conversations just focus on how my job goes, my 3 year old and that's it. the fact that I'm a responsible worker and a good parent obviates any drug related question. I think my mother suspects I still smoke once in a while but she never mentioned it ever again. there are two things that I suspect us to have in common: attraction to the spiritual realm, and a peculiar sensitivity to psychs. I found out that other people's medium doses are way too strong for me. in my use of psychedelics and learning to get the most out of them I came to realize a few things. some rules of thumb I had to imprint in my mind: a little may go a long way. you progress through levels. if you go to levels you're not ready to face, there's very little you can do, but spend all your energy just surviving the experience. fear is always the first obstacle. it's natural and it means you take the experience seriously, which is good. maybe your guilt feeling starts right there, because you think you should not feel fear. yet fear is the natural reaction when first facing the unknown. you just learn to be brave enough to feel fear and yet remain steady on your feet. but this is only possible if you're at the appropriate level of experience. if the level is higher than it should, you can only try to walk yourself slowly out of there. and yes it lasts like forever and leaves you absolutely exhausted. in times like that you wonder why the hell did you put yourself through something like that. you wish you could be back to old stupid things, like comfortably watching junk on tv. you think that you better leave psychs alone for good. and maybe for some time you succeed. until the day your life feels like it could take a good shake. and off you go again. of course you don't have to repeat the circle over and over. you can find alternatives to psychs for responding to your spiritual/creative/metaphysical needs. or you can learn to use psychs effectively.
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kotik
fuckingsuperhero


Registered: 06/29/04
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Re: let me think.... [Re: a_h_w]
#5361443 - 03/03/06 12:47 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
They might start blabbing as if they have the answer to everything when they are just ignorant of the very basic basics of just being a human being, or a friend. They also might just not say anything in response if I try to explain something, but there isn't really an inbetween reaction, there's no "I'm here with you and want to help you out" attitude.
it sounds like you are expecting everyone to read your mind, or be accomodating.
my advice is to stop making promises to other people, to accommodate then, while the choices force you into a vicious cylce temptation, which apparently leads to depression, guilt, shame, take your pick.
you are having bad trips because you associate the entire experience with guilt / shame, which originates from your promise. you are creating the rules, breaking them, then punishing yourself. Its no wonder its not making things better.
-------------------- No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.
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Grav


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Re: let me think.... [Re: Disco Cat]
#5362442 - 03/03/06 05:51 PM (17 years, 10 months ago) |
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STOP tripping.
Regain balance.
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