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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip.
    #5323084 - 02/21/06 06:23 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

it's all I seem to get when I eat psychedelics lately, and maybe that means it's time for a break. There's always just that big question, Who Am I? And How Do I Fit Into All This? When i tripped alone in my apartment it was an easy question to swallow, and everything felt like it was coming together to make me whole and connected but other trips than that recently have had me feeling socially awkward about my own existence. This weekend in Canada was one of the best tripping environments ever but the questions persisted in chasing me even there. I guess you can't escape the most important things you're facing, though.

Of the whole weekend the one thing that stands out above all others is when RandalFlagg sat down next to me on Saturday afternoon and asked me how my trip had been Friday night. I told him it had been pretty amazing, and he asked if I had had an epiphany. I told him I hadn't, and he wanted to know if I had been hoping/looking for one...I told him I try not to look for epiphanies in my trips, but sometimes when you eat a drug you can't help but think/expect/hope that you're going to get one. He just looked at me and told me he had been hoping for an epiphany when he went cross-country and saw America coast to coast, but that he didn't get one. And that was the end of that conversation.

I felt like one of The Lost Children this weekend.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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Invisiblegoobler
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323090 - 02/21/06 06:29 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

that question wil go away if and when you are at peace with yourself


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Offlinestefan
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323121 - 02/21/06 07:08 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

I guess you can't escape the most important things you're facing, though.




indeed. maybe try to figure things out your place in this world sober before you trip next time

+what goobles said


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021] * 1
    #5323124 - 02/21/06 07:17 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

The only way to true removal of such fears (yes, it is a fear) is through acceptance of it.

Acceptance of your own lack of knowledge. Acceptance of your own inability to answer these questions. You have to accept there is no specific answer for you to find, because you are floating down a river and are not in control of that river. It will take you somewhere, and it is your job to have faith that the river knows where to go.

Sometimes there are rapids, and sometimes there are calm serene summer float-alongs... but you have to roll with the punches, and always accept that you are not the one pulling the strings in 98% of what you experience.

This is how I have moved through these kinds of problems on trips before in the past, and it is how I get myself to shake the anxiety I tend to develop on a daily basis. (I smoke a lot of pot, probably has something to do with it.)

When I feel tense and anxious, I literally think through the realization that there's no reason for worry to an excess that allows me to take on physical tension from it. When I remember this, I relax both body and mind for the moment... if I've been having a really bad day, the calm will usually last longer as I revel in the peaceful state of mind.

Ironically, when I go through this course of acceptance of my lack of knowing, the true answer of who I am is revealed to me. I leave the mind. And in doing so, I realize my ability to exist as consciousness OUTSIDE of thought. In that moment, I realize myself.

What you are describing should be acknowledged as a predisposition to thought. It's not necessarily WHAT you were questioning, but the fact that you couldn't stop questioning that matters. The only answer that will stop the questions is universal acceptance.

...my 2 cents? :laugh:  :stoned:


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OfflineAngeloWish
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: stefan]
    #5323127 - 02/21/06 07:19 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

It is part of the whole test pal.
Get it answered and work on that.
God, this is why i love psylocibin but i know it can be pretty tough too.
Good Luck!


--------------------
+'this' reality is the one i like the most+


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: AngeloWish]
    #5323129 - 02/21/06 07:22 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I think I need some psilocybin in me. It's been a while. My last 10 trips or so have all been on LSD, which while a good time, isn't always the Teacher that mushrooms can be.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323131 - 02/21/06 07:24 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I know what you mean. I used to have trips like that alot, back when I was in my early twenties. My trips would spiral into these thought loops that would not end, until I started coming down. I never could figure it out, until after I stopped tripping for a couple of years. My life was a mess, back then and I kept closing my eyes to it, thinking it would all work itself out. Well, I was wrong. Tripping wasn't enlightening me, anymore and I was just using it to get fucked up. Plus, I was not happy inside. I had alot of unresolved issues and I just needed to deal with it all, before moving on. Now, my trips are wonderful, again. I only trip on occassion now, though. Back then, I was selling sheets and tripping at least twice per week. Anyway, I'm sure you will figure it all out. You have a good head on your shoulders and aren't afraid of using it.


--------------------



:murray:


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: blissedout]
    #5323132 - 02/21/06 07:25 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Jeez. My post sounds like an antidrug commercial.:crazy:


--------------------



:murray:


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: blissedout]
    #5323153 - 02/21/06 07:41 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Naw, it sounds a lot more realistic than that!


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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OfflineYoschie99
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323200 - 02/21/06 08:17 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

OneMoreRobot3021 said:
I think I need some psilocybin in me. It's been a while. My last 10 trips or so have all been on LSD, which while a good time, isn't always the Teacher that mushrooms can be.




i think LSD leads to much more personal insight in normal dosages than mushrooms.. the mental aspect of mushrooms is so numb compared to acid, i think.. unless it's in high doses.

i don't know what to tell you about your trips lately... experiences with psychadelics are such personal things that i don't really think that anyone can tell you why you keep asking the same question but yourself. 

so, good luck.. i wouldn't be surprised if you get the same question(s) from mushies as you have from 'cid.

:smile:

yos-

ps. drinks sometime?


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Offlinetheorganicdomino
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323211 - 02/21/06 08:25 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

It's funny because my trips recently have been more about splitting my psyche into different characteristics and seeing my mind as a choir of voices rather than a singularity. If one choirister gets out of tune the others can bouy it up a bit, if ya get what I mean.

I've been pushing myself to really ring the changes each trip these days

eg

During my last (mushroom, I only do shrooms these days) trip I put on Bjork's Medulla album - I'd never plan to listen to it during tripping as it's very weird and dark in places, but fucking hell if it didn't push me into a frame of mind which helped me resolve a massive backload of issues I had with myself about past relationships with women and helped me understand the odd (in a good way) relationship I have with my wife.

Also I earlier in the same trip I found myself in hellish, nightmare world of glass panes, road signs and flashing siren-like lights - which I understood to be how I feel about my job. But slowly as I dwelt on the imagery, maintained a focus on what was so disturbing about it, and detached myself emotionally the lines of all the details bled outwards of my field of vision, through me and into me and I realised that my annoyance with work was entirely of my own devising.

What's my point, er it's in there somewhere. Sometimes its good to face what we fear the most in a trip instead of trying to guide the journey in a mellow, freak-out free, paisley-pattern navel gaze.

I've always found shrooms to be harsh, but rewarding if you work on problems with them.

Or you could do some Salvia - that'd be a kick to your head!


--------------------
"You've got to get hold of the thread of marching time, pull the fuck thing down, get on the end of it and pang yourself to the infinitude of absolute mind"
Ken Campbell - Furtive Nudist

"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced" - Aart van der Leeuw


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Invisibledblaney
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323246 - 02/21/06 08:48 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I can't think of ANYONE I have ever known that has not at one point or another asked themselves that question. It is the question that generally determines the path in life one takes.

Some end up deciding that they are their money, and then lead a life where they try to get the most money. Others decide they are their social position, and so spend their lives trying to be the best and most powerful. And then there are those who admit that they can never truly "know" who and what the Self is, rather they can only "Be" and in so doing open themselves up to the constant unfolding of Reality.

I'd recommend you check out the book "The Book" by Alan Watts. Also, I've found dosing on LSD, then putting on eyeshades and listening to music (classical is best IMO) is extraordinarily therapeutic, it can put you in touch with yourself. MDMA is also good for this.

Tat tvam asi, brother.


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln


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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323251 - 02/21/06 08:50 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Heh. I guess that's as good a question as any to ask yourself when you're tripping. As far as insights/epiphanies go.. I usually have them unintentionally during every trip.. but it's usually like really basic stuff. But it's interesting because my question sort of parallels yours. 

I had a pretty crazy trip on friday. How to possibly explain what was going through my head.. well this has sort of become a constant, in my last couple of acid trips around groups of people. I am already a pretty introspective guy, and I think when I trip, I become overly self-conscious sometimes. It usually starts with me thinking that I do have this certain role in any given community, and that I am not fulfilling it to my best ability. Such as, holding back in conversation.. not speaking my whole mind on an issue when it comes around. This usually leads to thought loops of self-overanalyzation.. I know.. bad right.

So this weekend when I was tripping.. everyone was conversating... and I was sort of there listening to 9 different conversations at the same time. And it seemed in some way, everyone was saying something that could relate to me somehow. More than likely the work of the ego.. but very interesting nonetheless. I thought everyone was conspiring to (among other things..) get me to move to canada, and start a reggae jam band. I think that was the most "normal" thought that went through my head that night. The others I can't even explain. Like when trendal started talking about it being a big movie with explosions and the whole 9 yards, and shroomism is the star... I was just starting to trip. Trendal you weirdo.  :grin:

Somehow when I'm tripping.. I interpret everything going on around me to relate to me.. like some sort of freaky cosmic mirror. Everything everyone says.. to the most mundane thing... has some deep significance to me. And what can I do.. I just try and flow with it.. or tell myself it's all a part of the illusion, and I am just ascribing my own interpretation of events.. but sometimes things are just so synchronious I can't even help it.

At the end of the day.. acid trips make you analyze the fuck out of stuff. At least for me they do. And you may not always get the answer you want. But I always see it as an opportunity for self-improvement.. and try to use it for that. My acid trips of the past two years or so, have dealt with me not being able to function as I should in social settings (i.e - not talking enough.. being too withdrawn) and so I try to overcome that.. and the best I could come up with is.. You're all against me!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. I can't even form a coherent enough sentence to express my thoughts.. it's sort of frustrating.

It's really weird.. because I used to be the total opposite when tripping. I used to be this talking machine that would just release my thoughts as they came stream-of-consciousness style... I'd talk about all kinds of stuff. Now it's like I'm overly self conscious and I analyze what I say before I even say it, and then that ends up just crashing the train, and all I can get out of my mouth is some half-digested paradox that everyone thinks is just me being insane. But whatever. I suppose the answer lies somewhere in the middle.


--------------------


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: Shroomism]
    #5323254 - 02/21/06 08:53 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Thanks for posting that, man, I feel like I understand so much about your trip that I didn't while it was happening. It puts the whole "You're all against me!" thing in perspective.

I tend to struggle with the same notions, my "Who am I?" questions are often about my place in a social setting. Am i talking enough, too little? Am I monopolizing conversation? Am I exerting power over a communal setting? Is the music I want to play my way of forcing my trip on everyone else?


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323259 - 02/21/06 08:56 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

And of course, while I'm tripping, i don't actually want to TALK about all that...so it stays inside, and goes around and around and around and around.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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OfflineSpenny
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323263 - 02/21/06 08:58 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

I almost always get that trip on DXM. That's why I stay away from it now a days, that, and it's nasty. This has never happened to me on shrooms or LSD though..=/ Maybe something underlying is really digging into your skin, you're the only one who can figure it out, god speed.


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: Spenny]
    #5323264 - 02/21/06 08:59 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Well, these questions persist in my mind in my daily life. Even right now, on the walk I just took to the cooler to get a bottle of water. Who am I, what am I doing, why don't I write, do I want to do drugs or be sober. Blahbity blah blah.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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Invisibledblaney
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: Shroomism]
    #5323268 - 02/21/06 09:02 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Self-consciousness is a bitch. I find that pot especially tends to bring it out in me, and sometimes more major psychedelics can too. It's difficult, but you gotta remember it's all in your mind and you must have courage. Let people see who you are, and if they don't like it, then fuck them! But 9.9/10 times, people will laugh and enjoy your authenticity.

If only I could remember that myself!  :tongue:


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln


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InvisibleBoom
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323279 - 02/21/06 09:06 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

My last trip I kept asking myself a similar question, I kept thinking about how school is important to bang out and finish it, so I can make a lot of money. 

My trips lately have been showing me that I really want to be successful, and not just settle for a sub-par existence.  I feel like a hardcore Republican when I trip :lol:


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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: I'm sick of the "Who Am I?" trip. [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #5323281 - 02/21/06 09:07 AM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Exactly man. Other people will probably tell you.. you're worrying about it too much.. but I think these trains of thoughts are probably healthy as long as they are not leading off into weird directions. Who am I is a very big question. A question some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out. I think the answer is.. you already are who you are... but by asking yourself these further questions.. you are helping yourself to constantly evolve... adapt to your environment.. and that's a good thing in my opinion. It's like a self-checking mechanism.. .keep yourself in check.. make sure you are in line with the 'community'. But it's also an inhibition thing.. that's where I think alcohol comes in.. maybe I should drink more of it.

Like I didn't really mean to say you're all against me... but that was like the closest thing in english I could possibly say that related to what I was thinking at the time. I don't really think you guys are all against me :smirk: But if you're trying to kidnap me to canada and start a reggae jam band.. well...

I think in the end, we probably do worry too much, and is the cause of these strange trips. Because like it or not, everything you do has some kind of effect on the people around you.. but the crazy thing about subjective reality is... that everyone interprets it differently. You can do one thing, and ten people will look at it ten different ways. So I think as long as you're not hurting anyone.. and no one is complaining.. then you should be good. Unless you're around people like me, who suffer in silence and have a hard time expressing their feelings. But that's my own damn fault, and I'm working on it.


--------------------


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