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Offlinestrangladesh
masterOFpuppets
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Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
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Re: How about a peer-edit [Re: strangladesh]
    #5303214 - 02/15/06 01:38 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

come on no one can give me any more advise, this paper if due tonight i would feel alot better about turning it in if i could get a few more errors picked out. Im going to get my mom to read it over to, but you guys seem to be a little more in the know.


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OfflineYthanA
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Registered: 08/08/97
Posts: 18,774
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Re: How about a peer-edit [Re: strangladesh]
    #5303422 - 02/15/06 02:50 PM (17 years, 11 months ago)

Your style is too conversational for a college paper and your grammar really does need some work. My #1 suggestion to improve your writing skills is to read - once you're familiar with good style it will come naturally to you. Go to the library and get some books that look intersting, I recommend Harry Potter and The Da Vinci Code as good light reading.

Here's my revised edition of your essay, I fixed the errors and tightened it up a bit. Still wouldn't be more than a C+ if I was your teacher though, just being honest.

Quote:

Meeting a Legend

The day started out like it usually did. I woke up around two o'clock in the afternoon, stumbled through my morning routine and went to work. I was employed at a Speedway in Charlotte, located right next to a Veterans of Foreign Wars post. This being the case, a normal day at work was about to turn into an unforgettable experience.

The hours slowly crept by, one pack of cigarettes at a time. As my shift came closer and closer to its end I became more eager to leave. As I exited the building the first thing I noticed was my friend Tom's Honda Accord pull in. I managed to get his attention after he parked in the farthest lot from me. On my way over to his car I noticed a colossal tour bus parked no more then one hundred yards from where I stood. The first thing that I remember thinking was "who is on that gigantic bus and what are they doing in Charlotte?"

As we stood outside of the bus a small crowd began to form. I phoned a couple of people I knew from the area and this seemed to have a snowball effect. After about 15 minutes the driver of the bus came out. He explained that Zakk Wylde, the lead guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne and Black Label Society, was visiting the V.F.W. and would be out shortly.

It took some time for Zakk and the band to emerge from the bus, but as soon as I saw them I knew it was worth the wait. He made a very good first impression on me as he walked around, shook our hands, took pictures and made conversation with everyone. He explained that both his father and grandfather were veterans, and despite his stardom he continues to visit the V.F.W. to show his support, thank them and give an occasional fund-raising item. He was the most laid-back and humble rock star that I have ever met, completely shattering all my preconceived beliefs about the rock and roll mythos.

As if this meet-and-greet wasn't enough, we were invited onto his gigantic tour bus. It was luxurious, with granite table tops, leather couches and even flip down plasma TVs above every bed. After we fondled the guitars and took pictures, we were encouraged to help ourselves to an open bar and get a beer or two. We were then led to a very lush leather wrap-around couch.

Zakk flipped down the LCD screen from the ceiling and shocked us by offering to show an unreleased video called 'In This River'. He explained that it was re-released in tribute to his childhood friend Darrell Lance Abbott (also known as Dimebag from Pantera) who was murdered several years ago while performing a concert. I instantly fell in love with the song, it was melodic and hypnotizing and you could feel the pain in every verse. When the video was over I could clearly see that a tear was forming in Zakk's eye.

He didn't say much after that. We all stood up and slowly made our way off the bus. I turned back at the last minute and said "thanks for the hospitality and the glimpse into the rock star lifestyle." Even though we all went our separate ways, we still shared an unforgettable moment in our lives.




Good luck with the assignment!

-Y


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