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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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How about a peer-edit
#5295172 - 02/13/06 02:49 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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I just wrote what i hope is going to get me a good grade in my college writing class...just a rough copy though maybe some of you intelligent people could look it over..ill give out some good karma to yeah...
Meeting a legend
The day started out like any other I arouse from bed around 2 p.m. Did my daily routine and went to work. I was employed at a Speedway in Charlotte, this particular Speedway is located right next to a V.F.W post. This being the case made a day of work turn into an unforgettable experience. The hours slowly dwindled by, one pack of cigarettes at a time. As my shift came to an end I became more eager to escape from that florescent prison. Upon exiting the building the first thing I notice is my friend Tom?s Honda Accord pull in. I managed to get his attention after he parked in the furthest lot from me. I ran over to strike up a conversation with him but on my way I noticed something, I was awestricken to say the least. A colossal tour bus was parked no more then one hundred yards from were I stood. The first thing that I could recall thinking was who was in that thing and what were they doing in Charlotte. As we stood outside of the Bus a small crowd began to gather. I phoned a couple people that I knew from the area, this seemed to have a snowball effect. After about 15 minutes the driver of the bus came out. He didn?t say much except that he was the bus driver for Black Label Society and that Zakk Wylde would come out after he was finished speaking with the people from the V.F.W. Who is Zakk Wylde you might find yourself asking, well if you have ever heard any post Black Sabbith, Ozzy Osbourne, or any of the not so new, but newly recognized Black Label Society. Then you have heard some of this artists work. It took some time for Zakk and the band to emerge from the bus, but when he did I knew it was worth the wait. He made a very good first impression on everyone. He walked around shook our hands, took pictures and made conversation with everyone. In my opinion, he was the most laid-back and humble rock stars that I have ever met. He went on to explain why he was there. We were told that both his father and grandfather were veterans of war, that he just visit to say hi to the people, thank them and give an occasional fundraising item. This at the time didn?t even seem right to me. what I thought of the rock star mythos at that time was exactly the opposite of what I was seeing. As if this guy couldn?t get any more prodigious, we were invited onto the bus. I was lead through this gigantic tour bus, on a private tour. This thing had every thing granite table tops on a huge card style table. Flip down 40 some inch plasma T.V. After we fondled the guitars and took pictures, we were encouraged to help ourselves to an open bar and get a beer or two. It was then suggested that we sit down on a very nice leather couch. He flipped down the L.C.D screen from the ceiling. He told the group he was going to show an unreleased video, In This River. Which was re-released in a tribute to Zakk?s dead childhood friend, Darrell Lance Abbot, also known as Dimebag from Pantera. I instantly fell in love with the song, it was very melodic, yet very depressing. So much so that even at one point in the video he is playing a piano in a river. There were also video clips from his childhood and Dimebags. When the movie was over I could clearly see that a tear was forming in Zakk?s eye. He didn?t say much after that. We were escorted off the bus. I said thanks for the hospitality and the glimpse into the rock star lifestyle. Even though, we all went our separate ways. We still shared a moment in life that will be unforgettable.
Edited by strangladesh (02/14/06 12:16 AM)
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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well it had paragrapghs when i wrote it..
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MisterMyco
Myco-fanatic


Registered: 12/08/05
Posts: 636
Last seen: 17 years, 10 months
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"pre-edit"?
-------------------- "I have never, in all my life, not for one moment, been tempted toward religion of any kind. The fact is that I feel no spiritual void. I have my philosophy of life, which does not include any aspect of the supernatural." Isaac Asimov
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DNKYD
Turtle!

Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 12,326
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Re: How about a per-edit [Re: MisterMyco]
#5295194 - 02/13/06 02:54 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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peer edit
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badchad
Mad Scientist

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 13,372
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Re: How about a per-edit [Re: DNKYD]
#5295195 - 02/13/06 02:55 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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How many times have you skipped class this year?
-------------------- ...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge. It is an indellible experience; it is forever known. I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did. Smith, P. Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27. ...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely. Osmond, H. Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436
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Hawkeye3
Stranger
Registered: 09/04/05
Posts: 368
Last seen: 16 years, 11 days
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No offense but your writing style is off, short and choppy, some aren't even complete sentences, your level is really not quiet at the college level yet and your writing lacks substance and sentences lack structure especially complex structure, it's good for high school writing, though.
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DNKYD
Turtle!

Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 12,326
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Wow. Yeah, dude. Um, I really want to help peer edit for you but it seriously hurts reading that shit. And not because it's lacking paragraphs.
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DNKYD
Turtle!

Registered: 09/23/04
Posts: 12,326
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Re: How about a per-edit [Re: Hawkeye3]
#5295220 - 02/13/06 03:00 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Hawkeye3 said: No offense but your writing style is off, short and choppy, some aren't even complete sentences, your level is really not quiet at the college level yet and your writing lacks substance and sentences lack structure especially complex structure, it's good for high school writing, though.
Says the keen observer with one long-winded sentence.
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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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First comment...unless specificly allowed to, never use "you" in a paper, any paper. You have to know how to use the rules before breaking them.
Check your essay for sentence structure and comma usage (or lack thereof in some places).
Check subject-verb agreement; also check diction. The conclusion is fairly weak.
Ironically, I skipped English class today because I hadn't finished my draft; today was peer-workshopping day.
I'd love to re-read it once you've done some work on it and cleaned it up.
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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Re: How about a per-edit [Re: demiu5]
#5297759 - 02/14/06 12:41 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Ok i editied it up some. well i actually read through it this time. This is the first paper ive writen in like 3yrs sso go easy on me.
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eligal
Noobie


Registered: 05/25/05
Posts: 7,021
Loc: California
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dude, i didnt get past the first sentence. you gotta fix that.
-------------------- \m/ Spanksta \m/ "do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?" "MolokoMilkPlus said: I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job" "tactik said: respect the can."
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Phluck
Carpal Tunnel


Registered: 04/10/99
Posts: 11,394
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 3 months, 6 days
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Sure, I'll help, comments in bold.
Quote:
Meeting a legend
The day started out like any other Cliche, don't say "the day started out like any other", either think of a new way to say that, or cut it out completely I arouse hehe, "arouse". You might want to just say "I got out of bed", or "I arose from bed", but not "arouse". from bed around 2 p.m. Use a comma "Did my daily routine and went to work" is not a proper sentence: "...two o'clock in the afternoon, did my daily..." Did my daily routine and went to work. I was employed at a Speedway in Charlotte, New sentence this particular Speedway is located right next to a V.F.W post. Maybe people in your area commonly know what a "V.F.W. post" is, but I have no idea, you might want to explain that This being the case made a day of work turn into an unforgettable experience."This fact made a day of work turn into an unforgettable experience." or "This being the case, a normal day of work was about to become an unforgettable experience." but the whole "This being the case..." doesn't seem to apply here at all anyways. The hours slowly dwindled I'm not sure that "dwindled" means what you think it means... you might want to find a new word for that... by, one pack of cigarettes at a time. As my shift came to an end I became more eager to escape from that florescent prison That doesn't make sense, "As my shift came to an end..." means you're describing what's happening right as your shift is ending, so as your shift comes to an end, you're glad that you're now finished work OR you could say "As my shift came closer and closer to ending, I became more eager...". Upon exiting the building the first thing I notice Got your tenses mixed up. "Upon exiting the building..." means you exited in the past, but "the first thing I notice is" means it's happening right now. Change it to "noticed was"is my friend Tom?s Honda Accord pull in. I managed to get his attention after he parked in the furthest farthest lot from me. I ran over to strike up a conversation with him comma but on my way I noticed something, New sentence I was awestricken to say the least. A colossal tour bus was parked no more then one hundred yards from were where I stood. The first thing that I could recall thinking was who was in that thing and what were they doing in Charlotte.
Your tenses are mixed up again. You're saying that as this was happening, you're remembering thinking. You mean to say that right now as you're telling the story, you recall what you were thinking at the time. You also need to put what you recall in quotation marks. Like this: The first thing I recall thinking was "Who is in that thing?" and "What are they doing in Charlotte?".
As we stood outside of the Bus bus, it's not someone's name a small crowd began to gather. I phoned a couple people that I knew from the area, "and this seemed..." this seemed to have a snowball effect. After about 15 minutes the driver of the bus came out. He didn?t say much except that he was the bus driver for Black Label Society and that Zakk Wylde would come out after he was finished speaking with the people from the V.F.W. Who is Zakk Wylde Quotation marks, and it's a question: "Who is Zakk Wylde?" you might find yourself thinking. you might find yourself asking, well if you have ever heard any post Black Sabbith Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne, or any of the not so new, but newly recognized Black Label Society. That's not the end of a sentence, you want a comma there. Then you have heard some of this artists artist'swork. It took some time for Zakk and the band to emerge from the bus, but when he did I knew it was worth the wait. He made a very good first impression on everyone. He walked around comma shook our hands, took pictures and made conversation with everyone. In my opinion, he was the most laid-back and humble rock stars He's just one rock star, either that, or he's "ONE OF the most humble...rock stars..." that I have ever met. He went on to explain why he was there. We were told that both his father and grandfather were veterans of war, that he was just visit visiting to say hi quotation marks to the people, thank them and to give an occasional fundraising item. This at the time didn?t even seem right to me. what I thought of the rock star mythos at that time was exactly the opposite of what I was seeing. I'm totally exhausted so I'm quitting for now... maybe I'll come back and correct a bit more tomorrow. As if this guy couldn?t get any more prodigious, we were invited onto the bus. I was lead through this gigantic tour bus, on a private tour. This thing had every thing granite table tops on a huge card style table. Flip down 40 some inch plasma T.V. After we fondled the guitars and took pictures, we were encouraged to help ourselves to an open bar and get a beer or two. It was then suggested that we sit down on a very nice leather couch. He flipped down the L.C.D screen from the ceiling. He told the group he was going to show an unreleased video, In This River. Which was re-released in a tribute to Zakk?s dead childhood friend, Darrell Lance Abbot, also known as Dimebag from Pantera. I instantly fell in love with the song, it was very melodic, yet very depressing. So much so that even at one point in the video he is playing a piano in a river. There were also video clips from his childhood and Dimebags. When the movie was over I could clearly see that a tear was forming in Zakk?s eye. He didn?t say much after that. We were escorted off the bus. I said thanks for the hospitality and the glimpse into the rock star lifestyle. Even though, we all went our separate ways. We still shared a moment in life that will be unforgettable.
Not bad, but your grammar needs a bit of work.
-------------------- "I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson http://phluck.is-after.us
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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Re: How about a peer-edit [Re: Phluck]
#5298926 - 02/14/06 11:47 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thanks alot man that was a big help. Yah ive always had a hard time with grammer or was it just staying in english class. Ill re-type it and post it back up again, mabey with paragraphs this time.
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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Meeting a lege
The day started out like it usually did. I woke up around two o'clock in the afternoon, did my daily routine and went to work. I was employed at a Speedway in Charlotte, this particular Speedway is located right next to a Veterains of Forign War post. This being the case, a normal day at work was about to turn into an unforgetable experiance.
The hours slowly crept by, one pack of cigarettes at a time. As my shift came closer and closer to it,s end i became more eager to leave. Upon exiting the building the first thing I noticed was my friend Tom?s Honda Accord pull in. I managed to get his attention after he parked in the farthest lot from me. I ran over to strike up a conversation with him, but on my way I noticed something. I was awestricken to say the least. A colossal tour bus was parked no more then one hundred yards from where I stood. The first thing that i remember thinking was "who is on that gigantic bus and what are they doing in Charlotte."
As we stood outside of the bus a small crowd began to gather. I phoned a couple people that I knew from the area and this seemed to have a snowball effect. After about 15 minutes the driver of the bus came out. He didn?t say much except that he was the bus driver for Black Label Society and that Zakk Wylde would come out after he was finished speaking with the people from the V.F.W. "Who is Zakk Wylde?" You might find yourself asking. Well if you have ever heard any post Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne,or any of the not so new, but newly recognized Black Label Society, Then you have heard some of this artist's work.
It took some time for Zakk and the band to emerge from the bus, but when he did I knew it was worth the wait. He made a very good first impression on everyone. He walked around, shook our hands, took pictures and made conversation with everyone. In my opinion, he is the most laid-back and humble rock star that I have ever met. He went on to explain why he was there. We were told that both his father and grandfather were veterans of war, that he was "just visiting to say hi to the people., thank them and give an occasional fundraising item." This at the time didn?t even seem right to me. What I thought of the rock star mythos at that time was exactly the opposite of what I was seeing. As if this guy couldn?t get any more prodigious, we were invited onto the bus. I was lead through this gigantic tour bus, on a private tour. This thing had every thing granite table tops on a huge card style table. Flip down 40 some inch plasma T.V. After we fondled the guitars and took pictures, we were encouraged to help ourselves to an open bar and get a beer or two. It was then suggested that we sit down on a very nice leather couch.
He flipped down the L.C.D screen from the ceiling. He told the group he was going to show an unreleased video, In This River. Which was re-released in a tribute to Zakk?s dead childhood friend, Darrell Lance Abbot, also known as Dimebag from Pantera. I instantly fell in love with the song, it was very melodic, yet very depressing. So much so that even at one point in the video he is playing a piano in a river. There were also video clips from his childhood and Dimebags. When the movie was over I could clearly see that a tear was forming in Zakk?s eye.
He didn?t say much after that. We were escorted off the bus. I said "thanks for the hospitality and the glimpse into the rock star lifestyle." Even though, we all went our separate ways. We still shared an unforgetable moment in our lives.
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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how about some more feed back. I think its starting to sound really good but then again i only think at like a 2.0
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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bump
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fresh313
journeyman


Registered: 09/01/03
Posts: 2,537
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
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a+
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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Re: How about a per-edit [Re: fresh313]
#5301817 - 02/15/06 01:18 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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is that sarcasum, cuz if it is im drunk and ill kick your ass.
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GnuBobo
Frilly Cuffs Extraordinaire


Registered: 06/17/04
Posts: 43,754
Loc: Charisma
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Quote:
strangladesh said:
The hours slowly crept by, one pack of cigarettes at a time.
Dude, I'm not being mean or ripping on you, here. But if you're going to make this sort of detail mistake--after editing--and then have it followed by a parade of other uncorrected mistakes that are just basic grammar and punctuation, I would strongly urge you to buy Strunk and White, then some grammar books, and STUDY them, then John Gardener's "The Art of Fiction."
Just being honest--it's an absolute mess. You've got ALOT of work to do. Good luck.
-------------------- Jerry Garcia. JERRY GARCIA! JERRY GARCIA!!!!
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strangladesh
masterOFpuppets


Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 815
Loc: Right Here!
Last seen: 16 years, 29 days
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Re: How about a peer-edit [Re: GnuBobo]
#5302992 - 02/15/06 12:29 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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hopefully im geting a little better. Does the punctuation durring " go inside ." or out side ".
Meeting a lege
The day started out like it usually did. I woke up around two o'clock in the afternoon. Did my daily routine and went to work. I was employed at a Speedway in Charlotte, this particular Speedway is located right next to a Veterains of Forign War post. This being the case, a normal day at work was about to turn into an unforgetable experiance.
The hours slowly crept by. One pack of cigarettes at a time. As my shift came closer and closer to it's end i became more eager to leave. Upon exiting the building the first thing I noticed was my friend Tom?s Honda Accord pull in. I managed to get his attention after he parked in the farthest lot from me. On my way over to his car i noticed something. I was awestricken to say the least. A colossal tour bus was parked no more then one hundred yards from where I stood. The first thing that i remember thinking was "who is on that gigantic bus and what are they doing in Charlotte."
As we stood outside of the bus a small crowd began to gather. I phoned a couple people that I knew from the area and this seemed to have a snowball effect. After about 15 minutes the driver of the bus came out. He didn?t say much except that he was the bus driver for Black Label Society and that Zakk Wylde would come out after he was finished speaking with the people from the V.F.W. "Who is Zakk Wylde?" You might find yourself asking. Well if you have ever heard any post Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne,or any of the not so new, but newly recognized Black Label Society, then you have heard some of this artist's work.
It took some time for Zakk and the band to emerge from the bus. As soon as i saw the band I knew it was worth the wait. He made a very good first impression on me. He walked around, shook our hands, took pictures and made conversation with everyone. In my opinion, "he is the most laid-back and humble rock star that I have ever met". He went on to explain why he was there. We were told that both his father and grandfather were veterans of war, that he was "just visiting to say hi to the people, thank them and give an occasional fundraising item". This at the time didn?t even seem right to me. What I thought of the rock star mythos at that time was exactly the opposite of what I was seeing.
As if this guy couldn?t get any more prodigious, we were invited onto the bus. We were lead on a tour of this gigantic tour bus. This thing had every thing granite table tops, leather couches, a flip down plasma T.V. above every bed. After we fondled the guitars and took pictures, we were encouraged to help ourselves to an open bar and get a beer or two. We were then lead to a very lush leather rap-around couch.
Zakk flipped down the L.C.D screen from the ceiling. He told the group, "know im going to show an unreleased video, In This River". Which was re-released in a tribute to Zakk?s dead childhood friend, Darrell Lance Abbot, also known as Dimebag from Pantera. I instantly fell in love with the song, it was very melodic, yet very depressing. So much so that even at one point in the video he is playing a piano in a river. There were also video clips from his childhood and Dimebags. When the movie was over I could clearly see that a tear was forming in Zakk?s eye.
He didn?t say much after that. We all stood up and slowly made are way off the bus. I turned back at the last minute and said "thanks for the hospitality and the glimpse into the rock star lifestyle." Even though, we all went our separate ways. We still shared an unforgetable moment in our lives.
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