I am gonna skip the introduction and jump right into my trip,
I was sitting on my couch and listened to Grateful Dead, the trip was much better than I expected on this dosage (2.5g b+). My entire living room was dancing in patterns that got stronger and stronger. I was sitting there thinking about my life, how happy I am nowadays. My life has not always been easy but getting a family changed all that. I was thinking about my pregnant girlfriend. Only 2 months left, I knew it was going to be a girl and was thinking ?god, I am sure she will be perfect? ...
?God?? ... I could swear I heard a voice that wasn't me..
?God you say..? I heard it again. . i have had many conversation with myself before when tripping, I have been over 10 people in my head at once and played role play\mind tricks before but something was different. I could feel it. For some reason I turned off the music and walked a little back and forward on the floor. Then I sat down, this time in my stress less chair. I started focusing on the geometric patterns that was dancing everywhere. I found a point that I kept starring at.. for the longest time I stared, The patterns in my side view went crazy. Like they was trying to make me loose focus on the point. I didn't even blink. I start thinking about God again. It was like everything changed. The whole atmosphere in the room, the lights. I was still starring at this point. I am not sure why but I started asking
Show yourself, I said..
Show yourself.
Show yourself. . Show me that you are here..
(now what is happening next is extremely difficult to explain so I keep it very simple, all conversations here is inside my head and I am not saying anything out loud)
I am God .. The voice was back, it was the same voice, the same feeling
Who are you to play with mushroom? He asked.
I am trying to find answers.. I replied.
What answers you silly man. You are playing with things you should not touch
I was very unsure as to what was going on, my intelligence told me I have eaten a psychedelic and are tripping myself out now. This logic has always saved me from bad trips in the past. But something was very different now. Now I do not believe in God and I did want answers.
Show yourself, I said, Show me you are here.
Here is where it gets really difficult to tell the conversation. But basically he started to tell me about Christianity in a matter you expect a catholic priest to do it. And that I should not play with mushrooms and I would regret deeply if I kept playing with them with little respect. I was told something was going to happened to my unborn child.
I told myself, get a grip man, I cant start thinking on a trip that something should happened to my daughter, bad bad bad. Focus on something else. I went to my kitchen. I tried to find something else to focus on but he would not leave me be.
I looked at my clock, 9:50, I made myself a sandwich and put it on a plate..
You want proof? I heard, here is your proof, you are not gonna be able to lift up that plate.
I was trying to lift my plate, it did not move, I tried both hands, it did not move. . I started sweating, I got this extreme feeling that the whole world stopped up this moment. I tried again to lift up the plate, not a chance.
Now you can lift it , I heard.
I tried again and bam, it was back to normal., I used to much force when I lifted it and my sandwich ended up on the floor,
My thoughts went insane, what the hell just happened. I got scared for the first time on a trip, really really scared. I started to panic, ?make it stop, I don't want to go trough this. I said (this time loud) I'm sorry I'm sorry . I should never have doubted you.. I starred at the clock again
9;50, the clock hasn't moved a bit, this freaked me out completely. It was like god was torturing me and it felt like forever. I ended up in the shower crying, please stop, i cant take it no more. It was so intense the thought about ending my life (i have never thought about this ever before)
I was going to be punished by God for using something that went beyond my understanding. And they way he was going to punish me was my unborn child. It was hell. It kept going for some time. I ended up in my grow room, where I keep some drugs that might calm me down (opium), I entered the door and then
Wham
It was like every torture ended the second I went into my grow room. There was no more voices, nothing. Just silence. I sat down on the floor and I picked up a pot with a Peyote cactus in it. I felt safe, I felt like all my plants was protecting me. I could swear I saw a woman in my salvia divenorum plants. Every leafs resembled a woman.and I could feel the peyote cactus. Never have I experienced such peace of mind. It was like these plants was protecting me from gods wrath. I spent the next hour inside my grow room thinking about what happened. I went back to my living room, now I was convinced I have encountered God. There was so many questions I needed answer to and I was scared shitless he would come back.. And he did.
But it was different now. The voice was different, very kind. ?And then I got a realization, a vision where I was told the following things. First he explained that I was God. I are you and you are me and all is god and god is all. We are all gods. I understood it like God is a part of our brain that we do not control but we can communicate to under certain circumstances.. When god told me that I could not lift my plate, I told my self I couldn't do it and impulses made it happen, I was told about life and about death. I was told how everything was connected, how death is as beautiful and necessary as birth. I was told alot of things I do not wish to tell in this trip report. And last and most important, he told me that I would get a beautiful daughter and everything was well with her. And that was the last I have ever heard from God , or from this part of my brain.
I sat on my chair for the rest of my trip and really enjoyed being OK and felt blessed with the insight I have gotten under this trip. I felt really really happy and full of love.. I felt asleep..
The day after, I noticed that by some weirdness the battery to my clock died 9;50 , the exact time I freaked out (and my girlfriends swears she changed the battery recently) ..
I started laughing, now I don't know anymore. Did I meet God and afterwards he gave me answers that should make me doubt what had happened, What was truth what was illusions, what proof do I have.. I was happy and very very confused.. I have sorted this stuff out but that is another story and I will not write more about that, I can say I still grow mushrooms and I still are not convinced that there is a God (the kind of God we learn about in school and church that is)
This trip happened a year ago, my daughter was born and was beautifull and healthy, she haven't been sick one day since she was born and I feel real blessed.
Edited by giz (02/10/06 11:53 PM)
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Wow. great stuff man. and good to know your daughter is well.
I can relate to a few things you mentioned. in my last trip i saw God as a shadow on my cieling.we were communicating back and forth for some time and everything was very positive, i was in a great mood and kept expressing my love and gratitude to him ( since i do believe in God.) he showed me what is necessary to have a meanful life and to be a righteous person. Although, at one time i did find myself defying his existance, but i got those thoughts out of my head.
I cant remember too much, but i remember he also made me realize that just as he is real, his opposite( satan, if you will) is also somewhere out there and sometimes you are left out there to chose what path to follow.. the righteous path of good(God), or the other path(satan) and i guess this is where studying the Bible and so on comes as helpful advice and knowlege.
anyway what im trying to get at in relation with your story is that maybe that first voice you heard wasn't god. but the opposite force. think of a balanced equality i guess, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and this has to do with everything. for however many good things there are, there are the same amount of bad things. for however many times youre touched by God, youre also touched by satan. maybe thats the definition of our lives here on Earth. were right in between one (good) side- heaven, and one (bad) side- hell. and they both become one as earth. Up and Down, Right and Wrong, but youll only end up in one side in the end.
-------------------- Everybody HA HA!
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