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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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My Struggle
#5261369 - 02/04/06 12:24 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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PART ONE
(EDIT) This story would fill a book, so I am just posting the most important parts. It leaves out most of the actual events like arson, bombs and descriptions of violent acts done to me and done by me.
I AM crazy, very paranoid but it's taught by life, real smart but quite
manic depressive and prone to raving about all sorts of stuff. I am
NOT a liar though, I do exagerate from time to time though when I
school and pretty much left for dead. Learning is really all I am
interested in, I feel inferior for not having gone to University when I
could have and would have if I didn't grow up where I did. Town is a
totally isolated ghetto. Takes and hour by bus to even get to an
area that has a "decent" college. If a public bus gos there at all.
More like 4 or 5 hours to a university. My english is and always has
been very advanced, same with all the other sciences. Kind of a
child prodigy that never got a chance. I was pretty fuckin psycho
when I was younger, bad schools bad people lot's of beatings and
being beaten, just about everything that could go wrong did go
wrong. My memory is a little too photographic and some of the shit I
remember I really don't want to (and I try to black it out). I don't
wanna remember stabbing a kid in the eye, I don't want to
remember anything You know what? I remember everything all the
way back to when I was 4 years old. Which means I remember
every punch every kick. Every person I ever hurt. It haunts me, my
dreams are filled with stabbings macings and gunfire baseball bats
and napalm. I know I come off as an asshole know it all. Sorry
about that. Can't really do anything about it, my mania can't be
treated. Thats why I am all over the place. My paranoia from living in
this fucked up town and others like it is cuz well, it is fucked up.
Kinda spills over into my posts. I got a real fuckin sensitive fight or
flight personality. Reality is if you aren't doing the beating, your the
one thats beaten. I've always been a packrat and finally found
some places to start to sell it all off for school, which is gonna cost
an awful lot. I'll tell ya a little story. Back when I was living in new
west next door to my psycho dominatrix fuck friend, everyone was
in a gang or afraid of em. I was 19 at the time. I've always been a
wicked foot pad, for creepies and B&Es. Track people down real
easy, real silent. I never had to kill anyone, but the crowds I was
around, well. Let's just say lots of chopped up and hidden. I don't
have a print anywhere. A crew took real interest in me and
somehow I ended up with laced weed, but wasn't even able to
comprehend that I was on something I was so fucked up. Couple
weeks of that and you can probably imagine what happened. Went
completely psychiatric ward nuts (I remember how scared the
nurses were of me and the rubber room and all that fucked up shit
that gos on in there) for about 6 months and it took about 2 years
to get anything that was left of my mind back together. So I totally
isolated myself. 7 years it's taken to put my life back together. That
whole time I've been doing nothing but reading about biz shrooms
and computers, trying to cut as many corners as possible to make
up for my shit grades. Kinda like I know absolutely nothing about
the basics, just the advanced. The blood, the smell, All that shit you
gotta do to get by is tearing me apart. Yea I know how to make
weapons, I wish I could forget how. I wish I was able to forget
anything. The best I can do is pretty much hum ad not pay
attention. Fuck. I know how to destroy everything and everyone
around me. How fucking hard it is to turn the cheek and ignore what
people say and do to me. I can track people down like nothin. I
know in my heart if I head down that path, I'll never stop.
"I'm all alone in this world you must despise, I read your promises,
your promises and lies"
You can call me whatever you want.
(best I can do to make it more readable without rewriting it and I have a habit of overediting)
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/08/06 09:28 PM)
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Deviate
newbie
Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 4,497
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5261385 - 02/04/06 12:35 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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it would be easier to read if you edited in some paragraphs.
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mecreateme
YoUisMEEMsiUoY


Registered: 05/13/04
Posts: 2,727
Loc: Memphrica
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5261484 - 02/04/06 01:34 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Goodness friend, take a rest from mind mixing substances.
You are all over the place and might do better from residing in a single place...know what I mean?
Please, you gotta give up on hate, and give in to love.
-------------------- No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT. You are everything's way of feeling itself. Happy Schwag, everygodly!
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Fospher
Crime FightingMaster Criminal


Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 2,033
Loc: The Netherlands
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5261609 - 02/04/06 03:45 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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It sounds to me that you're still stuck in a loop. A loop of destructive - thought, trying to build some structure within a mind of chaos. Even your writing style shows this - it's like you're writing completely from your stream of consciousness without putting effort in organizing your linguistics.
Try to take one thing at a time, whatever you're doing, engulf yourself 100% in it, or none at all. Dont think or be distracted by anything else.
The thing that turned my life from hate to love is discipline. You cant just cross extremes from hate to love, it's too narrow of a bridge to cross. Find discipline over yourself, and love for others will follow.
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I_was_the_walrus
eggshells



Registered: 05/01/02
Posts: 11,887
Loc: next door
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Fospher]
#5261620 - 02/04/06 03:55 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Ide prescribe 300mg mescaline...and a walk in the woods.
Find what you need to find. Think...talk to yourself and your surroundings.
What is it that will help yourself? Only you know, and I personally think an "experience" will lead you to that path.
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Sclorch
Clyster


Registered: 07/12/99
Posts: 4,805
Loc: On the Brink of Madness
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I'd prescribe indefinite residence back at the psych ward. You need a lot more therapy than anyone on a message board can give you.
-------------------- Note: In desperate need of a cure...
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain



Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262201 - 02/04/06 11:09 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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The wretch, concentred all in self, Living, shall forfeit fair renown, And, doubly dying, shall go down To the vile dust, from whence he sprung, Unwept, unhonoured, and unsung.
-- Sir Walter Scott
You are too focused on yourself. Just look at your post. Every fifth or sixth word is "I". There isn't a single thought of others except in recalling the violence or intimidation you've brought to them. You feel proud that you've hurt people. You feel proud that you've intimidated people. Paradoxically, you despise what you believe yourself to be and wish that identity could be erased.
Self-focus is the source of all your doubt, confusion, and problems. Join the rest of us here in the world. Give us a hand; we need your help if we're going to be happy. No one will hurt you unless they're caught in the same trap as you. Is there cause to be afraid of someone drowning in the same spinning well as you? You are like a man who cowers under a table as the Titanic is sinking, concerned only for his own welfare, afraid that the panic on deck might be your demise.
So what do you say? Are you with us? Let's get off this boat.
--------------------
Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
Edited by Ped (02/04/06 11:25 AM)
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Ped]
#5262267 - 02/04/06 11:47 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Yes, I am scared that I will take everyone else down with me ped. That is why I destroyed all of my posts. The friends I have now don't understand my past, hell some of them don't even believe it. Some won't even have anything to do with me because of what I used to be like. The ones that are around town still cleaned up their lives and don't wanna be near crime. Crime is all I know. The town around me is the most corrupt and poisoned place I have ever seen. It didn't used to be this bad. Now theres crack and meth heads selling shit all over the place. Makes me real sad to see natives selling dream catchers on the corner, for crack money. Makes me feel even worse that the public doesn't even really notice it. I went into a yopo and opium trance a few days ago and asked whatever is out there to show me the evil. Of this town. Ran into some guys, asked em for a ciggarette and one of them attempted to bear mace me. For those of you who haven't been bear maced, if you get it in the eyes, you will pray to die. I knew the whole drill with bear mace (duck and cover). It isn't that I got bear maced that saddens me, it's that this town has become so evil. I mean I grew up here man, I know who these junkies were. I just dunno what to do. The government is so fucking corrupt (canadian), I just don't know why other people don't see it and why noone seems to care. It's like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders man. I see too much in international politics. I sense a terrible wrongness with the entire world growing somewhere, getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep inside that there is some real real real bad shit thats about to go down globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken. I can smell the antichrist.
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dr0mni
My Own Messiah


Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262304 - 02/04/06 12:03 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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"If but the cosmos could possibly have come about innocent of history, and not wholly ignorant of all it's potential; Unprejudiced, but aware... rather than that it's only triumph be performed at the error of all it's mercy."
-Trevor Goodchild
I think you may want to read my posts about my experiences with what I call The Sickness:
http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/3611924#Post3611924 http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/3845246#Post3845246
No doubt your experiences have been much worse than mine. I don't pretend to have had a traumatic upbringing. In fact my life has been very blessed, and I hope yours will be too, and that you can pass that blessing onto any children you might have and the rest of the world as well.
I think that what is important when dealing with stuff like this is focusing on being able to take what is negative and TRANSFORM it into something positive! I've always said there is no such thing as a bad trip as long as you can take the negativity and use it to create positive change in your life. Dwelling on the evil only lets it grow, and encourages despair.
Despair is not the appropriate reaction to evil, it is ACTIVE LOVE!
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shroomydan
exshroomerite


Registered: 07/04/04
Posts: 4,126
Loc: In the woods
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262315 - 02/04/06 12:06 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Dmonikal said: Yes, I am scared that I will take everyone else down with me ped. That is why I destroyed all of my posts. The friends I have now don't understand my past, hell some of them don't even believe it. Some won't even have anything to do with me because of what I used to be like. The ones that are around town still cleaned up their lives and don't wanna be near crime. Crime is all I know. The town around me is the most corrupt and poisoned place I have ever seen. It didn't used to be this bad. Now theres crack and meth heads selling shit all over the place. Makes me real sad to see natives selling dream catchers on the corner, for crack money. Makes me feel even worse that the public doesn't even really notice it. I went into a yopo and opium trance a few days ago and asked whatever is out there to show me the evil. Of this town. Ran into some guys, asked em for a ciggarette and one of them attempted to bear mace me. For those of you who haven't been bear maced, if you get it in the eyes, you will pray to die. I knew the whole drill with bear mace (duck and cover). It isn't that I got bear maced that saddens me, it's that this town has become so evil. I mean I grew up here man, I know who these junkies were. I just dunno what to do. The government is so fucking corrupt (canadian), I just don't know why other people don't see it and why noone seems to care. It's like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders man. I see too much in international politics. I sense a terrible wrongness with the entire world growing somewhere, getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep inside that there is some real real real bad shit thats about to go down globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken. I can smell the antichrist.
Yep, the I is your problem.
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain



Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262427 - 02/04/06 12:34 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Oh, I didn't realize you were so much different from everybody else. Had I known that you were so powerful as to take everybody down without even trying or intending it, I'd not have offered a helping hand to you. Had I known that the evil you're dealing with was so intrinsic to your being and so overwhelmingly immense, I'd never had wasted any effort reaching out to you.
You're right, there is no hope for someone who is so intrinsically bad. What I don't understand is this: if you're so intrinsically bad, why are you advertising it like this? People don't overstate the things they actually believe in. If evil is innate to your being, why are you dissatisfied with it; why are you asking for our input? Shouldn't you be content and whole within yourself by now? If you're so certain that you're in touch with your true nature, darkness and evil, why are you so divided against yourself? Seems to me that there's somebody in there who'd rather be something different. Who is that? Where does he come from?
Oh well, none of that matters, right? You're convinced and so am I. I'm not going to wait around while this miserable ship sinks; I'm outta here. We're all going to help each other find a peaceful island where we can bathe in the sun. Say hello to the miserable beings down there in the cold, dark ocean of self-focus. Give them my best wishes.
--------------------
Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262472 - 02/04/06 12:47 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Yes, I am scared that I will take everyone else down with me ped.
You can only take people down with you who choose for themselves to take the down escalator. You give yourself to much credit as being a force rather just a vehicle for someone looking to hitch a ride to hell.
Quote:
That is why I destroyed all of my posts.
At least some of them stayed up long enough to get a new buzz word going that brings laughter. "The veenoms". People are loosing their veenoms, looking for more veenoms. It sounds funny and makes me laugh.
Quote:
The friends I have now don't understand my past, hell some of them don't even believe it. Some won't even have anything to do with me because of what I used to be like.
The past is dead and there is no power in dead used up energy. Quit drawing from it or you will feel empty. Draw from the future of bright ideals and act in the now. Why are you living in the past when we only have this moment alive? Show them a you in the now that they would want to know. You can recreate and reinvent yourself fresh and anew in every moment. Breaking the chains and ties to the past is a choice. It only takes, making a new choice from the ones you use to to do it. Dream of and imagine the person you wish to be and then choose to at like it.
Quote:
The ones that are around town still cleaned up their lives and don't wanna be near crime. Crime is all I know.
You have said that you love learning new things. Learn peace, living in the light, honesty and construction of good will, and helping others reach a better place as you learn to help yourself too.
Quote:
The town around me is the most corrupt and poisoned place I have ever seen. It didn't used to be this bad. Now theres crack and meth heads selling shit all over the place. Makes me real sad to see natives selling dream catchers on the corner, for crack money.
Why stay if not to make change for the better. If you arn't, then you are being a part of the problem you are complaining about, not the solution. You can choose the up escalator and ride out of there or let them take you down and out.
Quote:
Makes me feel even worse that the public doesn't even really notice it. I went into a yopo and opium trance a few days ago and asked whatever is out there to show me the evil.
Seek and ye shall find. On your next trip ask to be shown the good and the love in your town and the world. There is so much of it.
Quote:
I just don't know why other people don't see it and why noone seems to care. It's like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders man.
People see what they want to see, get out of things what they are looking for and what they put into them. No need to carry the weight of the world. Its the choice of those who want to pile a bunch of junk on top of themselves. Why should you carry it for them and make it easier for them accumalate shit? Let it all go and drop it. None of us can change the world around us, only the world within us and when we do that, the world seems to have changed. 
Quote:
I sense a terrible wrongness with the entire world growing somewhere, getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep inside that there is some real real real bad shit thats about to go down globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken. I can smell the antichrist.
Well, I sense wonderful good with the entire world growing everywhere and getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep down that there is some real real real good stuff thats going up globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken over by a wave of peace and love. I can smell the Christ.
To each his own. Free will rules!
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262568 - 02/04/06 01:20 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hey, why don't you start your change program with a new user name? Demonical really isn't helping you out with your plight there. How can you expect people to see you differently when you identify yourself with evil?
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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MushmanTheManic
Stranger

Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 4,587
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262684 - 02/04/06 01:43 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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See a psychotherapist.
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Ped I ain't trying to scare you, I am not a bad guy, in fact I am a very nice guy, it is the pain, that haunts me that is evil. What I meant is I am smart enough
I have alot of love in my heart I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help, it's like I have so much hate but so much love at the same time. These things you say are true, but both good and evil are reaching for power at the same time. I am very very empathic, I can see what is wrong and I always try to help, but I don't know how. Perhaps this life has been a test of my soul.
That conspiracy thread? I can read it, let me put it this way. I doubt I am the only one here who can read that. Wrong people see that and theres gonna be a whole lot of exactly what people don't want here. Everyone just keeps mocking me and ignoring me. Doesn't matter who sees it first. Could someone else other then me please warn a mod or something about it? I keep warning and warning but noone is listening.
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262761 - 02/04/06 02:14 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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That a joke or do psychotherapists, exist? :p
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5263017 - 02/04/06 03:24 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm dedicating the next song on the shroomery airwaves to you monicle
Louis Armstrong
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD (George Weiss / Bob Thiele)
I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky Are also on the faces of people going by I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?" They're really saying "I love you"
I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow They'll learn much more than I'll ever know And I think to myself, what a wonderful world Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Oh yeah
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Ironically that particular song has been a great influence over my life. Ever since I used to skate and someone had that as one of their theme songs. Almost like you read my mind. Much love to you. Thinking about that song brings tears to my eyes. You can stab me you can punch me you can shoot me, you can do anything you want to me and I won't shed a tear. Talking about love is the only thing in the world that gets to me. That song is what I wish the world was.
Edited by Dmonikal (02/04/06 03:38 PM)
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dr0mni
My Own Messiah


Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5263108 - 02/04/06 03:52 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Geez, Ped! You seemed a lot more supportive when I stuck up for the BTK killer ... perhaps you feel like Dmonikal is not remorseful of his past? Because it seems like he is to me.
If a child were repeatedly raped by his parents, and then grew up to become a serial rapist, would you call him inherently evil, or would you have pity on his scarred psyche? You seem to attack Dmonikal because he has this terrible past, but don't you think you should also be aware of events - large and small - that let to this condition? I'm not saying that people aren't responsible for their actions because of the suffering in their past... we all have the responsibility to love one another in order to bring about peace!
To be honest, Dmonikal, you sound a lot like me in the last stages of my last battle with The Sickness. You sound hopeful and remorseful. My advice, get out of whatever shithole town you are in and surround yourself with a positive environment, positive people, and a positive outlook on life. You'll be suprised at how powerfully you can change the world with a simple change in attitude!
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5263116 - 02/04/06 03:54 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hahaha from the Red Hot Chili Pepers (Minor Thing)
To read a mind Youve got to redefine the lines And make your circle sing , yo He knows everything
We are all connected in spirit and you're not as alone as you might think you are.
Perhaps that song form your past was like a seed planetd in you, waiting to be nurtured with enough water (love) and sun light (human warmth) given to it, so it could spring forth one day, after the cold winter and dark night.
Keep reaching out to people and keep accepting their love and warmth and watch it grow from within you.
Nothing of existance is all bad. Like Ped said, something in you is fighting to come forward and from out of the dark soil....its the seedling.
Sure, the day comes where you can see the good in the bad and the bad in the good and its all a wash and the lines dissapear. So how do you make the right choices anymore once you realize the cosmic joke and realize there are no right or wrong choices or lines of separation only causes and effects?
All you can do is be the conscious cause of that you wish to effect.
When you know yourself as being the cause of your real effects, you know yourself as the causitative force of existance. And that includes everything, not just one side of the duality spectrum. Choices, free will, you have been for-given them. 
Much love too you too.
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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Prisoner#1
Even Dumber ThanAdvertized!


Registered: 01/22/03
Posts: 193,665
Loc: Pvt. Pubfag NutSuck
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Quote:
I_was_the_walrus said: Ide prescribe 300mg mescaline...and a walk in the woods.
I was thinking 35mg of thorazine myself
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Prisoner#1]
#5264428 - 02/04/06 09:56 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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"At least some of them stayed up long enough to get a new buzz word going that brings laughter. "The veenoms". People are loosing their veenoms, looking for more veenoms. It sounds funny and makes me laugh." Actually that made me spit coffee all over my keyboard laughing. I was thinking about putting that on a t shirt. lol.
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5264453 - 02/04/06 10:02 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Sounds like your trapped in the infinite loop, Dmonik.
We all feel it. The "I" can never be satisfied.
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: psyka]
#5264478 - 02/04/06 10:12 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Where did you get that symbol, psyka? That is one of the best representations of god I have ever seen.
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5264587 - 02/04/06 10:42 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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I made it myself 
What is all the knowledge of men (and women :P), but to make better music?
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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demiu5
humans, lol


Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 43,948
Loc: the popcorn stadium
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5264652 - 02/04/06 10:57 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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I can relate to some of the things you have said. There are some things in your posts I feel as well. But I think I feel them to a lesser extent. Just remember, if you can't see beauty around in front of you...look up, admire the sky, remember what it was like to want to be able to fly, and try to not let it get to you. I hope you find what you need.
-------------------- channel your inner Larry David
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: psyka]
#5264654 - 02/04/06 10:58 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Actually it's wierd cuz my sun looked almost exactly like that except the edges of the rays were straight, I wonder where I got that from. Also mine was in black and white. Ahhh makes me think isn't that the star thing around the man that leonardo divinci drew? Seems so significant for some reason (err by that i mean the triangles).
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
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psyka
Praetorian


Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5264693 - 02/04/06 11:09 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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That is the Pythagorean circle. It represents the mathematic ratio of harmony between tones.
-------------------- As the life of a candle, my wick will burn out. But, the fire of my mind shall beam into infinite.

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Ped
Interested In Your Brain



Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: dr0mni]
#5265097 - 02/05/06 01:40 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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>> Geez, Ped!
I wasn't attacking him, I was attacking his delusions. I thought I'd managed to imply a clear distinction between the two, but I suppose not. Apologies.
Sometimes being compassionate isn't about being all love-dovey and smiles. See: Avatar. 
>> Ped I ain't trying to scare you, I am not a bad guy, in fact I am a very nice guy, it is the pain, that haunts me that is evil.
I'm glad you're making this distinction. It seemed as though you weren't; that's what I was trying to help you with.
>> I have alot of love in my heart I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help, it's like I have so much hate but so much love at the same time.
>> These things you say are true, but both good and evil are reaching for power at the same time.
It seems to me like you have a lot of spiritual momentum, but not a lot of wisdom in directing it. Some of that energy is going into excessive self-concern, while some of it is inclined toward empathy toward others. All of the evil in the world arises from self-interest. All of the good in the world arises from benefitting others. If you're able to understand this clearly, you'll be able to aim your intensity in a positive, healthy, and happy direction.
At the end of the game, it's up to you to make the changes you know you need to make. All you need to do is seek to understand why it is so important. Nobody around here is capable of delivering you to that end.
--------------------
Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
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Lakefingers

Registered: 08/26/05
Posts: 6,440
Loc: mumuland
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5265326 - 02/05/06 04:50 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thanks for your honesty! but be nice to yourself, especially from now on.
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Lakefingers]
#5266924 - 02/05/06 05:42 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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PART 2
I'ts cool ped I knew what you meant man. I was never taught how to show love. My childhood was a horror show. My love seeps out in the help I ty to give. I'm kind of a Heretic Martyr. I have believed that it does not matter what one does as long as it is in love's name. The end has always justified the means. I am starting to doubt it now.
One of my greatest hatreds is from when I was 15. I matched (I put in and he put in except I put in double what he did) this east indian guy and we were smokin and he ran away with all the weed (there was 5 of us a friend of mine and two of his. I would have let that go but then he yells back You better not fuck with the ********** which enraged me. So I watched him leave, then I followed him. Waited til they were about to smoke then I pulled my knife and demanded my shit back. He laughed and mocked me, but of course he gave it back. Then I left and he tried to creep on me and tried to mace me but I turned my head in time. Of course his big brother turned out to be a coke dealer and sent an awful lot of people my way, who beat me up quite a few times and terrorised me, for 4 years. It's a whole new kind of fear to walk around a corner and see a hundred people waiting for you. They followed me everywhere I went, people I don't know and have never met. They made my life miserable enough that I left the town, ironically to a much worse one. Now I come back to this town with my heart like a rock remembering all their names. Wanting very much to kill them, knowing I'd mow through that whole crew like nothing.
How can I let this go? How can I forgive someone who is evil and is unrepentant? I either let it go, or I kill them. How can I get rid of this hate? I want to do the right thing, but all I thought of was what I was going to do to them, not what it was going to do to me. It feels like righteous vengeance, but I know this is destroying me.
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/08/06 02:48 PM)
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain



Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5268898 - 02/06/06 09:53 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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>> How can I let this go? How can I forgive someone who is evil and is unrepentant?
When you conceive others as being intrinsically evil and unrepentant beings, it is inevitable that you will start to conceive yourself the same way as well. These people who harmed you: they did so because of their clouded and unhappy minds. You are afflicted by the same minds. When you start to look at others' behavior as coming from bad qualities which are intrinsic to their being, it is not long before you start to recognize the same things as being intrinsic in yourself. That is the trap.
The key here is to realize that people do not possess intrinsic qualities. Just as we would not blame a mental patient for banging his or her head against the wall, saying that he is the cause of his own pain, so too we should not blame living beings for the suffering they cause when they act on their confused and destructive thinking. Nobody wants to suffer. Everybody wants to be happy. The only thing blocking us all from becoming happy is a wrong understanding of how that is to be achieved.
People do of course need to be held accountable for their actions. This can be done with compassion and forgiveness just as well as it can be done with anger and vengeance. It is only a matter of perspective. When we create this dichotomy between ourself and others, viewing them as instrinically bad and ourself as undeserving of their harmful actions, we necessarily become angry and seek vengeance. However, if we're able to consider that others are essentially the same as ourself, in that we are all trying to be happy and free, but because of our ignorance we create only suffering for ourself and others: from this more realistic point of view compassion fills our heart and we can't help but to extend forgiveness.
>> How can I get rid of this hate?
>> It feels like righteous vengeance, but I know this is destroying me.
Don't give these minds so much power. They are small, weak minds by their very nature. They're petty and childish, and have no real power over people. You can consider how hatred and vengeance are small, weak minds by considering the place of weakness you've arrived at through their guidance. Hatred and the desire for vengeance made you feel powerful for a short time, but in the end they undermined all of your confidence and delivered you to a place of emotional and spiritual paralysis. If you continue entertaining them, these minds will only continue to deceive you. Abandon them as you would abandon an old, crumbling house.
Hatred and the desire for vengeance promised you a sense of strength, security, and thereby happiness, but in the end they completely robbed you of all these things. It's these minds which are your real enemy, not those unhappy people you've spoken of. If you're to direct your anger in any direction, direct it toward those minds which deceived you, robbed you, and left you alone in the cold.
The only reason people are controlled by hatred and the desire for vengeance is that they allow these minds to guide their actions, believing that this will deliver them to a place of security and happiness. In reality these minds only destroy our happiness and lead us into darkness and confusion. If we contemplate this deeply and with patience over a long period of time, we shall come to realize at a profound level that such minds are useless and serve absolutely no helpful purpose. Soon, our thinking will naturally tend away from them. These harmful minds will gradually lose their power over us, and we will be liberated from their destructive influence. We shall realize that such minds have always been utterly powerless and weak, and in conquering them we shall become confident, strong, and at peace. From this state, everything we do will be powerfully transformative, and everything we do shall create the cause for incredible happiness.
--------------------
Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
Edited by Ped (02/06/06 10:31 AM)
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TheGus
The Walrus

Registered: 09/07/05
Posts: 387
Last seen: 15 years, 11 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Ped]
#5270058 - 02/06/06 04:02 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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you are intriuging
holy shit you are more off than the craziest guy ive met, and you cant imagine...
the lines have begun to blur for me as well, im sorry it this seems more jumbled than you type, but alas i have little experience with your kind, god damit you've gone far that way
like its hard for me to imagine
how about this, try remembering this
Everything is a dream, dont worry where you go, it will end good, i know thats alot to remember coming from a complete 'stranger' but it has to be like this
i think i look at it from a more straight on point of view where as you look at it from both above and below (hence the amazing abilities of both intellect as well as 'prowess')
but try to remember its a dream, thats what is most important, it will point you in the right direction either way...
-------------------- "It is easier to teach a computer to play chess than to build a mudpie."Sherry Turkle Life on the Screen: Identity in the Age of the Internet "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts"-Einstein
I pity the fool who break traffic laws with $870,000 of drugs in the car. -mo0nlite_sonata Psythos
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: TheGus]
#5271797 - 02/06/06 10:48 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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It is hard for me to imagine someone getting off on cruelty. I can see where you guys are coming from. I do not know what hand life dealt him, maybe I am not in a position to judge. Well anything that makes me question my hatred is good. I do not enjoy violence it is my last resort. I guess you guys are right. Even if I did take revenge I would hate myself for it. It is so hard for me to believe that he is the weak one. I have always thought myself weak for not taking vengeance when vengeance was due. I suppose I thought it was the only option I had to end this. I will try to forgive. Not a path I have been down much. I have such trouble forgiving myself for the things I do, let alone someone else. This is probably the problem. I imagine there are people gunning for me for things I have done as well. "Sigh" I will try. Perhaps this is my test. Thanks all for your support.
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5273618 - 02/07/06 02:05 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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PART 3
I suppose here is my BIGGEST problem. I cannot grasp a concept unless the WHY is explained. All my teachers throughout my education have always remarked at my brilliance at, well everything. I am not trying to blow my own horn here just stating facts. The problem is well unnecessary complication makes me crazy. My biggest and ONLY stumbling block into higher education is I am better at math then my teachers are. I find shortcuts everywhere and can't explain them or show my work, cuz it was all done in my head. Which has totally ended my advancement in math, because they teach ridiculously complicated concepts based on ridiculously complicated concepts, and to know those concepts you need to know the ones before infinitum. It makes me wonder what the purpose of all these computations is, but they are never explained. If I saw the end I could work backwards to the beginning, I don't need all the damn charts, multiplication tables etc. This really sucks because every profession I want to be needs advanced math. I can't understand the advanced concepts because I can't see the point of the less advanced problems. I guess what I do is something like reading the first page and last page of a book and then writing the story between them. This has put me in front of a huge obstacle. To advance further I would have to go back and learn my math the "proper" way. It is so frustrating. The way I learn is completely the opposite of how the school system works. I bet alot of you think I am crazy and don't know the answer and I get mocked WITH the basics, because obviously if I don't know the basics I am full of shit (least to them anyway). Since you guys have been so helpful to me (much love) perhaps you may know a solution to my problem. I have been sitting here my entire life with no clear "path" to being the scientist I have wished to be my entire life. It really hurts me because that a scientist is all I could ever be and be true to my heart. This is the lovely monkey wrench that stirred up all the rest of my problems into much deeper problems. I guess what I'm saying is knowing that you are just as good as any paleontologist or arachnologist out there but no path towards either, but many years of my life wasted. Now I am (ironically) wasting my life trying to figure out a path to get there. I am always talking about my veenoms and mycology, but I have never in my life found acceptance. So many people have laughed at my ideas and called me crazy over the years that I deeply believed that EVERYONE couldn't be wrong, so I must be the problem.
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/08/06 02:49 PM)
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5273725 - 02/07/06 02:31 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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(deleted that post as it was pointless anger)
PART 4
My high school took 12 years. I got kicked out of every school in the district (including MR Christian academy) and had to go to night school then i got expelled from that and went to another night school and mellowed out knowing this was my last chance. So I repeated the same grade over and over and over, because of that, and was in 10th grade when I was 18. I cleaned my ass up and got to the end of grade 11 then I got kicked out of the house ran the streets for awhile, learned a few lessons then came back to school and graduated 2 years ago. So basically I went to (by the school rankings) the worst schools in the province in the highest drug abuse town in Canada. Maple Ridge is in the middle of nowhere, has no jobs, no arcades anymore (which all got shut down for openly selling coke or acid), 1 really overpriced pool hall ($10 an hour), nowhere to shop, overpriced food and necessities, huge property crime, the meth and pot capital of Canada (pot capital of the world) lots of drive bys, huge organized crime influence, like 10 cops or so for a 70 000 population, not even a movie theater or any other forms of standard entertainment. For fun we basically walk around beating each other up and openly smoking weed or what have you because the cops can't be bothered arresting someone for something that minor. Long story short for my last job I applied to every single restaurant, convenience store etc. and the only 2 interview I got was at Zellers working the 4am-11:30am shift for $9.00 an hour. Where I do the receiving unload the delivery trucks and then do every other piece of physical labor in the entire store because I am the only man there and all the others are mostly old women. In spite of that wicked job and my saved up cash, I didn't notice that I had been payed 3 times in 1 month and had made $600 over my max earnings (the government having my bank records), which the government took, knowing god damn fucking well that I wouldn't be able to eat or have a roof over my head for a month and if I didn't have parents I would be living at the homeless shelters standing for hours in a line for a handout from the soup kitchens. Oh and the closest thing to "the projects" (which would be so nice to have) is living in a tent by the river. The cheapest "decent" housing starts at $600 and anything cheaper is in "the ghetto" (the run down apartments by the river)which means rodents and cock roaches and goddam meth heads going off 24 7 and carefully reinforcing your front door so someone doesn't kick it in and do a little home invasion. Which also means you have to be armed with at least bear mace all the time.
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/08/06 02:52 PM)
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5277918 - 02/08/06 02:53 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Check my jourrnal for more of my "life"
I am actually quite a good writer and this is starting to sound like a pretty cool movie. Maybe I'll call it THUG LIFE, or something. Didn't really sound that interesting in my head. Would have to change alot of names and events so that I don't go to prison for writing it :p
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/08/06 03:03 PM)
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Terminus of Totus [Re: Dmonikal]
#5279533 - 02/08/06 09:45 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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One of my deepest darkest secrets is I have no illusions at all. I see the world for what it really is I " lost my ignorance, security and pride"
My eyes are unveiled, I lost all my illusions, my innocence, the things most treasured by men. All I want to do is block out what I see and hear. It is traumatizing, my third eye is wide open and sees through everything and I can't turn it off. The freedom of thought I so desired like many others is Terminus of Totus (the end of all). Perhaps I just do not have the skills to deal with this. The simple fact is: I believe in absolutely nothing at all. I have no trust and am unable to trust any opinion of anything whatsoever. That alone would drive many a man mad, as one has no foundation at all for any beliefs. This is not a good thing to have. Our opinions and beliefs shield us from the truth, that is what keeps our minds safe and sane. It leaves ones heart open to EVERYTHING and shielded from nothing. If you saw all of the pain in the entire world all at once, would there be anything left of your mind? Hang onto your beliefs and do not wish to have none.
I HAVE NO FAITH
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: Dmonikal]
#5279810 - 02/08/06 10:33 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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This is a little hard to explain. Imagine a brilliant mind with a photographic memory that learned as much as it could about everything (and i mean everything) and realized that it all conflicted so much that hardly any of it could be true, then decided that it wasn't true then threw out all it's beliefs about everything it had ever learned. What would happen then?
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
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fresh313
journeyman


Registered: 09/01/03
Posts: 2,537
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: Dmonikal]
#5279878 - 02/08/06 10:44 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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dmonikal i can picture u jammin out to soul asylum with a veenom speaker
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: fresh313]
#5279904 - 02/08/06 10:49 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Sorry dude my speakers are Klipsch not veenom
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: Dmonikal]
#5279954 - 02/08/06 10:57 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Actually I'm listening to "the becoming" by nine inch nails (the downwad spiral) and stretching with a little bit of opiates to kill the pain so I can push my body further then it wants to go without screaming.
"The Becoming"
I beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me I am becoming the me that you know had some second thoughts he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore the me that you know doesn't come around much that part of me isn't here anymore all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry drowns out all I hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness that me that you know used to have feelings but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay the me that you know is now made up of wires and even when I'm right with you I'm so far away I can try to get away but I?ve strapped myself in I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears I can see it killing away all my bad parts I don't want to listen but it's all too clear
hiding backwards inside of me I feel so unafraid Annie, hold a little tighter I might just slip away
it won't give up it wants me dead goddamn this noise inside my head (repeated over and over)
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/08/06 11:03 PM)
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fresh313
journeyman


Registered: 09/01/03
Posts: 2,537
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: Dmonikal]
#5280371 - 02/09/06 01:36 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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with every death is a rebirth, just a matter of time
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: fresh313]
#5282830 - 02/09/06 06:21 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Yes, I have had around 5 or 6 in my life. Well in this life I mean. That is how many times my mind has been destroyed and rebuilt.
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/09/06 06:22 PM)
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: Dmonikal]
#5283012 - 02/09/06 07:05 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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"Terrible Lie"
hey God why are you doing this to me? am i not living up to what i'm supposed to be? why am i seething with this animosity? hey God i think you owe me a great big apology.
terrible lie terrible lie terrible lie terrible lie
hey God i really don't know what you mean. seems like salvation come only in our dreams. i feel my hatred grow all the more extreme. hey God can this world really be as sad as it seems?
terrible lie terrible lie terrible lie terrible lie
don't take it away from me. i need someone to hold on to. don't take it away from me. i need someone to hold on to.
hey God there's nothing left for me to hide. i lost my ignorance, security and pride. i'm all alone in a world you must despise. hey God i believed your promises, your promises and lies.
terrible lie terrible lie terrible lie terrible lie
you made me throw it all away. my morals left to decay. how many you betray. you've taken everything.
terrible lie. my head is filled with disease. my skin is begging you please. i'm on my hands and knees. i want so much to believe.
i need someone to hold on to. i need someone to hold on to. i need someone i need someone. i need someone to hold on to. i give you everything. my sweet everything. hey God i really don't know who i am. in this world of piss
That song guides my life. Best to listen to the remix by Tool.
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: Terminus of Totus [Re: Dmonikal]
#5283493 - 02/09/06 08:58 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Slayer: Addict (another of my favourites) album: "God Hates Us All"
I won't cover you eyes I want your innocence Glisten before me in a cold sweat I wan't you to see your lie spill on me Spill on me Manifested as a primitive craving The craving never seems to go away I want to see the face of everyone fall Fall into the cold embrace of death You're in my nightmare I decide when it stops It's my fucking drug Makes my rush intensify Hardcore the overdose Your fear gets me high Unbound I'm the weapon made to sterilize Sterilize all the idiot victims Anytime, anywhere, anyone I want Everyone's addicted to this torture I'm the agony in every breath Every breath brings you closer to me You'll do anything, anything You'll do anything to make it stop You're in my nightmare I decide when it stops It's my fucking drug Makes my rush intensify Chaos deep inside it makes me It makes me feel surreal It makes me need to kill It makes me feel surreal It makes me need to kill Do you want to feel eternity Your eternity lies within me I am the terror of your final breath Your final breath brings light to my darkness Like an act of fucking God unleashed On the innocence - innocence of mankind You'll do anything - anything You'll do anything to make it stop It's my fucking drug Makes my rush intensify Hardcore the overdose Your fear gets me of like fuck
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
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