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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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My Struggle
#5261369 - 02/04/06 12:24 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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PART ONE
(EDIT) This story would fill a book, so I am just posting the most important parts. It leaves out most of the actual events like arson, bombs and descriptions of violent acts done to me and done by me.
I AM crazy, very paranoid but it's taught by life, real smart but quite
manic depressive and prone to raving about all sorts of stuff. I am
NOT a liar though, I do exagerate from time to time though when I
school and pretty much left for dead. Learning is really all I am
interested in, I feel inferior for not having gone to University when I
could have and would have if I didn't grow up where I did. Town is a
totally isolated ghetto. Takes and hour by bus to even get to an
area that has a "decent" college. If a public bus gos there at all.
More like 4 or 5 hours to a university. My english is and always has
been very advanced, same with all the other sciences. Kind of a
child prodigy that never got a chance. I was pretty fuckin psycho
when I was younger, bad schools bad people lot's of beatings and
being beaten, just about everything that could go wrong did go
wrong. My memory is a little too photographic and some of the shit I
remember I really don't want to (and I try to black it out). I don't
wanna remember stabbing a kid in the eye, I don't want to
remember anything You know what? I remember everything all the
way back to when I was 4 years old. Which means I remember
every punch every kick. Every person I ever hurt. It haunts me, my
dreams are filled with stabbings macings and gunfire baseball bats
and napalm. I know I come off as an asshole know it all. Sorry
about that. Can't really do anything about it, my mania can't be
treated. Thats why I am all over the place. My paranoia from living in
this fucked up town and others like it is cuz well, it is fucked up.
Kinda spills over into my posts. I got a real fuckin sensitive fight or
flight personality. Reality is if you aren't doing the beating, your the
one thats beaten. I've always been a packrat and finally found
some places to start to sell it all off for school, which is gonna cost
an awful lot. I'll tell ya a little story. Back when I was living in new
west next door to my psycho dominatrix fuck friend, everyone was
in a gang or afraid of em. I was 19 at the time. I've always been a
wicked foot pad, for creepies and B&Es. Track people down real
easy, real silent. I never had to kill anyone, but the crowds I was
around, well. Let's just say lots of chopped up and hidden. I don't
have a print anywhere. A crew took real interest in me and
somehow I ended up with laced weed, but wasn't even able to
comprehend that I was on something I was so fucked up. Couple
weeks of that and you can probably imagine what happened. Went
completely psychiatric ward nuts (I remember how scared the
nurses were of me and the rubber room and all that fucked up shit
that gos on in there) for about 6 months and it took about 2 years
to get anything that was left of my mind back together. So I totally
isolated myself. 7 years it's taken to put my life back together. That
whole time I've been doing nothing but reading about biz shrooms
and computers, trying to cut as many corners as possible to make
up for my shit grades. Kinda like I know absolutely nothing about
the basics, just the advanced. The blood, the smell, All that shit you
gotta do to get by is tearing me apart. Yea I know how to make
weapons, I wish I could forget how. I wish I was able to forget
anything. The best I can do is pretty much hum ad not pay
attention. Fuck. I know how to destroy everything and everyone
around me. How fucking hard it is to turn the cheek and ignore what
people say and do to me. I can track people down like nothin. I
know in my heart if I head down that path, I'll never stop.
"I'm all alone in this world you must despise, I read your promises,
your promises and lies"
You can call me whatever you want.
(best I can do to make it more readable without rewriting it and I have a habit of overediting)
-------------------- Give your money or your life Take 'em both for all I care Dump your bullets right here
Edited by Dmonikal (02/08/06 09:28 PM)
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Deviate
newbie
Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 4,497
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5261385 - 02/04/06 12:35 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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it would be easier to read if you edited in some paragraphs.
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mecreateme
YoUisMEEMsiUoY


Registered: 05/13/04
Posts: 2,727
Loc: Memphrica
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5261484 - 02/04/06 01:34 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Goodness friend, take a rest from mind mixing substances.
You are all over the place and might do better from residing in a single place...know what I mean?
Please, you gotta give up on hate, and give in to love.
-------------------- No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT. You are everything's way of feeling itself. Happy Schwag, everygodly!
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Fospher
Crime FightingMaster Criminal


Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 2,033
Loc: The Netherlands
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5261609 - 02/04/06 03:45 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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It sounds to me that you're still stuck in a loop. A loop of destructive - thought, trying to build some structure within a mind of chaos. Even your writing style shows this - it's like you're writing completely from your stream of consciousness without putting effort in organizing your linguistics.
Try to take one thing at a time, whatever you're doing, engulf yourself 100% in it, or none at all. Dont think or be distracted by anything else.
The thing that turned my life from hate to love is discipline. You cant just cross extremes from hate to love, it's too narrow of a bridge to cross. Find discipline over yourself, and love for others will follow.
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I_was_the_walrus
eggshells



Registered: 05/01/02
Posts: 11,887
Loc: next door
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Fospher]
#5261620 - 02/04/06 03:55 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Ide prescribe 300mg mescaline...and a walk in the woods.
Find what you need to find. Think...talk to yourself and your surroundings.
What is it that will help yourself? Only you know, and I personally think an "experience" will lead you to that path.
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Sclorch
Clyster


Registered: 07/12/99
Posts: 4,805
Loc: On the Brink of Madness
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I'd prescribe indefinite residence back at the psych ward. You need a lot more therapy than anyone on a message board can give you.
-------------------- Note: In desperate need of a cure...
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain



Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262201 - 02/04/06 11:09 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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The wretch, concentred all in self, Living, shall forfeit fair renown, And, doubly dying, shall go down To the vile dust, from whence he sprung, Unwept, unhonoured, and unsung.
-- Sir Walter Scott
You are too focused on yourself. Just look at your post. Every fifth or sixth word is "I". There isn't a single thought of others except in recalling the violence or intimidation you've brought to them. You feel proud that you've hurt people. You feel proud that you've intimidated people. Paradoxically, you despise what you believe yourself to be and wish that identity could be erased.
Self-focus is the source of all your doubt, confusion, and problems. Join the rest of us here in the world. Give us a hand; we need your help if we're going to be happy. No one will hurt you unless they're caught in the same trap as you. Is there cause to be afraid of someone drowning in the same spinning well as you? You are like a man who cowers under a table as the Titanic is sinking, concerned only for his own welfare, afraid that the panic on deck might be your demise.
So what do you say? Are you with us? Let's get off this boat.
--------------------
Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
Edited by Ped (02/04/06 11:25 AM)
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Ped]
#5262267 - 02/04/06 11:47 AM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Yes, I am scared that I will take everyone else down with me ped. That is why I destroyed all of my posts. The friends I have now don't understand my past, hell some of them don't even believe it. Some won't even have anything to do with me because of what I used to be like. The ones that are around town still cleaned up their lives and don't wanna be near crime. Crime is all I know. The town around me is the most corrupt and poisoned place I have ever seen. It didn't used to be this bad. Now theres crack and meth heads selling shit all over the place. Makes me real sad to see natives selling dream catchers on the corner, for crack money. Makes me feel even worse that the public doesn't even really notice it. I went into a yopo and opium trance a few days ago and asked whatever is out there to show me the evil. Of this town. Ran into some guys, asked em for a ciggarette and one of them attempted to bear mace me. For those of you who haven't been bear maced, if you get it in the eyes, you will pray to die. I knew the whole drill with bear mace (duck and cover). It isn't that I got bear maced that saddens me, it's that this town has become so evil. I mean I grew up here man, I know who these junkies were. I just dunno what to do. The government is so fucking corrupt (canadian), I just don't know why other people don't see it and why noone seems to care. It's like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders man. I see too much in international politics. I sense a terrible wrongness with the entire world growing somewhere, getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep inside that there is some real real real bad shit thats about to go down globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken. I can smell the antichrist.
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dr0mni
My Own Messiah


Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262304 - 02/04/06 12:03 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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"If but the cosmos could possibly have come about innocent of history, and not wholly ignorant of all it's potential; Unprejudiced, but aware... rather than that it's only triumph be performed at the error of all it's mercy."
-Trevor Goodchild
I think you may want to read my posts about my experiences with what I call The Sickness:
http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/3611924#Post3611924 http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/3845246#Post3845246
No doubt your experiences have been much worse than mine. I don't pretend to have had a traumatic upbringing. In fact my life has been very blessed, and I hope yours will be too, and that you can pass that blessing onto any children you might have and the rest of the world as well.
I think that what is important when dealing with stuff like this is focusing on being able to take what is negative and TRANSFORM it into something positive! I've always said there is no such thing as a bad trip as long as you can take the negativity and use it to create positive change in your life. Dwelling on the evil only lets it grow, and encourages despair.
Despair is not the appropriate reaction to evil, it is ACTIVE LOVE!
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shroomydan
exshroomerite


Registered: 07/04/04
Posts: 4,126
Loc: In the woods
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262315 - 02/04/06 12:06 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Dmonikal said: Yes, I am scared that I will take everyone else down with me ped. That is why I destroyed all of my posts. The friends I have now don't understand my past, hell some of them don't even believe it. Some won't even have anything to do with me because of what I used to be like. The ones that are around town still cleaned up their lives and don't wanna be near crime. Crime is all I know. The town around me is the most corrupt and poisoned place I have ever seen. It didn't used to be this bad. Now theres crack and meth heads selling shit all over the place. Makes me real sad to see natives selling dream catchers on the corner, for crack money. Makes me feel even worse that the public doesn't even really notice it. I went into a yopo and opium trance a few days ago and asked whatever is out there to show me the evil. Of this town. Ran into some guys, asked em for a ciggarette and one of them attempted to bear mace me. For those of you who haven't been bear maced, if you get it in the eyes, you will pray to die. I knew the whole drill with bear mace (duck and cover). It isn't that I got bear maced that saddens me, it's that this town has become so evil. I mean I grew up here man, I know who these junkies were. I just dunno what to do. The government is so fucking corrupt (canadian), I just don't know why other people don't see it and why noone seems to care. It's like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders man. I see too much in international politics. I sense a terrible wrongness with the entire world growing somewhere, getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep inside that there is some real real real bad shit thats about to go down globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken. I can smell the antichrist.
Yep, the I is your problem.
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Ped
Interested In Your Brain



Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 5,494
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262427 - 02/04/06 12:34 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Oh, I didn't realize you were so much different from everybody else. Had I known that you were so powerful as to take everybody down without even trying or intending it, I'd not have offered a helping hand to you. Had I known that the evil you're dealing with was so intrinsic to your being and so overwhelmingly immense, I'd never had wasted any effort reaching out to you.
You're right, there is no hope for someone who is so intrinsically bad. What I don't understand is this: if you're so intrinsically bad, why are you advertising it like this? People don't overstate the things they actually believe in. If evil is innate to your being, why are you dissatisfied with it; why are you asking for our input? Shouldn't you be content and whole within yourself by now? If you're so certain that you're in touch with your true nature, darkness and evil, why are you so divided against yourself? Seems to me that there's somebody in there who'd rather be something different. Who is that? Where does he come from?
Oh well, none of that matters, right? You're convinced and so am I. I'm not going to wait around while this miserable ship sinks; I'm outta here. We're all going to help each other find a peaceful island where we can bathe in the sun. Say hello to the miserable beings down there in the cold, dark ocean of self-focus. Give them my best wishes.
--------------------
Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262472 - 02/04/06 12:47 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Yes, I am scared that I will take everyone else down with me ped.
You can only take people down with you who choose for themselves to take the down escalator. You give yourself to much credit as being a force rather just a vehicle for someone looking to hitch a ride to hell.
Quote:
That is why I destroyed all of my posts.
At least some of them stayed up long enough to get a new buzz word going that brings laughter. "The veenoms". People are loosing their veenoms, looking for more veenoms. It sounds funny and makes me laugh.
Quote:
The friends I have now don't understand my past, hell some of them don't even believe it. Some won't even have anything to do with me because of what I used to be like.
The past is dead and there is no power in dead used up energy. Quit drawing from it or you will feel empty. Draw from the future of bright ideals and act in the now. Why are you living in the past when we only have this moment alive? Show them a you in the now that they would want to know. You can recreate and reinvent yourself fresh and anew in every moment. Breaking the chains and ties to the past is a choice. It only takes, making a new choice from the ones you use to to do it. Dream of and imagine the person you wish to be and then choose to at like it.
Quote:
The ones that are around town still cleaned up their lives and don't wanna be near crime. Crime is all I know.
You have said that you love learning new things. Learn peace, living in the light, honesty and construction of good will, and helping others reach a better place as you learn to help yourself too.
Quote:
The town around me is the most corrupt and poisoned place I have ever seen. It didn't used to be this bad. Now theres crack and meth heads selling shit all over the place. Makes me real sad to see natives selling dream catchers on the corner, for crack money.
Why stay if not to make change for the better. If you arn't, then you are being a part of the problem you are complaining about, not the solution. You can choose the up escalator and ride out of there or let them take you down and out.
Quote:
Makes me feel even worse that the public doesn't even really notice it. I went into a yopo and opium trance a few days ago and asked whatever is out there to show me the evil.
Seek and ye shall find. On your next trip ask to be shown the good and the love in your town and the world. There is so much of it.
Quote:
I just don't know why other people don't see it and why noone seems to care. It's like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders man.
People see what they want to see, get out of things what they are looking for and what they put into them. No need to carry the weight of the world. Its the choice of those who want to pile a bunch of junk on top of themselves. Why should you carry it for them and make it easier for them accumalate shit? Let it all go and drop it. None of us can change the world around us, only the world within us and when we do that, the world seems to have changed. 
Quote:
I sense a terrible wrongness with the entire world growing somewhere, getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep inside that there is some real real real bad shit thats about to go down globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken. I can smell the antichrist.
Well, I sense wonderful good with the entire world growing everywhere and getting stronger and stronger. I "know" deep down that there is some real real real good stuff thats going up globally. Unless people open their eyes, this world is about to be taken over by a wave of peace and love. I can smell the Christ.
To each his own. Free will rules!
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262568 - 02/04/06 01:20 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hey, why don't you start your change program with a new user name? Demonical really isn't helping you out with your plight there. How can you expect people to see you differently when you identify yourself with evil?
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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MushmanTheManic
Stranger

Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 4,587
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262684 - 02/04/06 01:43 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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See a psychotherapist.
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Ped I ain't trying to scare you, I am not a bad guy, in fact I am a very nice guy, it is the pain, that haunts me that is evil. What I meant is I am smart enough
I have alot of love in my heart I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help, it's like I have so much hate but so much love at the same time. These things you say are true, but both good and evil are reaching for power at the same time. I am very very empathic, I can see what is wrong and I always try to help, but I don't know how. Perhaps this life has been a test of my soul.
That conspiracy thread? I can read it, let me put it this way. I doubt I am the only one here who can read that. Wrong people see that and theres gonna be a whole lot of exactly what people don't want here. Everyone just keeps mocking me and ignoring me. Doesn't matter who sees it first. Could someone else other then me please warn a mod or something about it? I keep warning and warning but noone is listening.
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5262761 - 02/04/06 02:14 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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That a joke or do psychotherapists, exist? :p
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5263017 - 02/04/06 03:24 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm dedicating the next song on the shroomery airwaves to you monicle
Louis Armstrong
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD (George Weiss / Bob Thiele)
I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky Are also on the faces of people going by I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?" They're really saying "I love you"
I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow They'll learn much more than I'll ever know And I think to myself, what a wonderful world Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Oh yeah
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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Dmonikal
Bareback up inthis neden


Registered: 09/06/04
Posts: 474
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Ironically that particular song has been a great influence over my life. Ever since I used to skate and someone had that as one of their theme songs. Almost like you read my mind. Much love to you. Thinking about that song brings tears to my eyes. You can stab me you can punch me you can shoot me, you can do anything you want to me and I won't shed a tear. Talking about love is the only thing in the world that gets to me. That song is what I wish the world was.
Edited by Dmonikal (02/04/06 03:38 PM)
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dr0mni
My Own Messiah


Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 16 years, 7 months
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5263108 - 02/04/06 03:52 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Geez, Ped! You seemed a lot more supportive when I stuck up for the BTK killer ... perhaps you feel like Dmonikal is not remorseful of his past? Because it seems like he is to me.
If a child were repeatedly raped by his parents, and then grew up to become a serial rapist, would you call him inherently evil, or would you have pity on his scarred psyche? You seem to attack Dmonikal because he has this terrible past, but don't you think you should also be aware of events - large and small - that let to this condition? I'm not saying that people aren't responsible for their actions because of the suffering in their past... we all have the responsibility to love one another in order to bring about peace!
To be honest, Dmonikal, you sound a lot like me in the last stages of my last battle with The Sickness. You sound hopeful and remorseful. My advice, get out of whatever shithole town you are in and surround yourself with a positive environment, positive people, and a positive outlook on life. You'll be suprised at how powerfully you can change the world with a simple change in attitude!
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gettinjiggywithit
jiggy


Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 7,469
Loc: Heart of Laughter
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Re: For those that don't understand me [Re: Dmonikal]
#5263116 - 02/04/06 03:54 PM (17 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hahaha from the Red Hot Chili Pepers (Minor Thing)
To read a mind Youve got to redefine the lines And make your circle sing , yo He knows everything
We are all connected in spirit and you're not as alone as you might think you are.
Perhaps that song form your past was like a seed planetd in you, waiting to be nurtured with enough water (love) and sun light (human warmth) given to it, so it could spring forth one day, after the cold winter and dark night.
Keep reaching out to people and keep accepting their love and warmth and watch it grow from within you.
Nothing of existance is all bad. Like Ped said, something in you is fighting to come forward and from out of the dark soil....its the seedling.
Sure, the day comes where you can see the good in the bad and the bad in the good and its all a wash and the lines dissapear. So how do you make the right choices anymore once you realize the cosmic joke and realize there are no right or wrong choices or lines of separation only causes and effects?
All you can do is be the conscious cause of that you wish to effect.
When you know yourself as being the cause of your real effects, you know yourself as the causitative force of existance. And that includes everything, not just one side of the duality spectrum. Choices, free will, you have been for-given them. 
Much love too you too.
-------------------- Ahuwale ka nane huna.
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