Home | Community | Message Board


This site includes paid links. Please support our sponsors.


Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! You are experiencing a small sample of what the site has to offer. Please login or register to post messages and view our exclusive members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, file attachments, board customizations, encrypted private messages, and much more!

Shop: MagicBag.co All-In-One Bags That Don't Suck   Kraken Kratom Red Vein Kratom   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order   Bridgetown Botanicals CBD Concentrates   PhytoExtractum Buy Bali Kratom Powder

Jump to first unread post Pages: 1
OfflineOrdep
Stranger
Registered: 01/06/06
Posts: 34
Last seen: 17 years, 10 months
Communication, Conversation, Insanity, Love, and Drugs
    #5213074 - 01/23/06 02:50 AM (18 years, 2 months ago)

I seem to have a problem communicating with people. I am a fairly bright person but ever since 2 years ago or so when I started smoking herb, and then later started using psychedelics, the amount of friends I have has been decreasing. My "likability" factor by 'normal' people has also decreased. My views on society and life in general just seem threatening and scary to most peers and they want nothing to do with it. They want to be sure of themselves, I am not, that threatens them.

I remember when I used to get along great with most everyone, and though I have always been shy, I used to be able to carry pretty decent conversations most of the time. Since then I've done a fair amount of drugs (too much pot and 7-8 trips, with 2 being very profound and life-changing), alot of reading, and alot of readjusting. And holding conversations has been getting harder too. I have alot to say and am generally pretty bright, no fuck it, I'm god damn smart and I know I am, but when I try and communicate ideas to others it usually comes out jumbled and awkward. The thing is, I know it's not because I'm losing my mind, well not soley that, I'm definitely more psychotic today than I was two years ago, but that's what 'growing up' does to people in my family. It's some other reason or a collection of reasons that I can't really pinpoint.

The reason I know this is because every time I've done E, every time I've gotten drunk, and the one time I did coke, conversations were a breeze. This was not just my altered perception on my conversation skills, I was generally just back in my groove. I've bonded the most with people whilst on these drugs. I've impressed people the most w/my thoughts the most whilst on these drugs. There have also been days I've had excellent conversations with very close friends I feel comfortable with completely sober. Here is where the love part comes in: for some reason loving and connecting with other people feels weird, it just doesn't feel appropriate, unless I'm on alcohol or E. I'm sure this comes from the ridiculous cultural standards I attained living in suburbia and watching T.V. as a kid. While part of me knows love is what I must do and be, there's still a part of me that rejects it as hippy crap. I feel like the two problems have to be related, because they both dissapear once I sober up with drugs. (if that makes any sense heh)

I had a very intense mescaline trip today that reminded me that alot of things in my brain are pretty hard-wired and resistant to change, such what I constitute as 'normal' and 'comfortable.' I want to get rid of these ridiculous standards for behavior in my brain, I want to be free of it.I know doing so would go far towards helping me connect with others and I think would help my conversation ability too. Just wanted to add that this feeling I get when trying to love (the part of me that tells me, no, that's stupid hippy bullshit) is the same part of me that made me feel strange seeing a therapist, even though it was something I wanted to do. There is a part of me that is trying to KILL the growth I am trying to obtain. I want to KILL it before it KILLS me. Is this feeling my shadow, does the shadow even exist? Does anyone have any advice? If not, is/has anyone here gone through anything similar? Just curious.

Edited by Ordep (01/23/06 03:03 AM)

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
OfflineThe_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 17 years, 22 days
Re: Communication, Conversation, Insanity, Love, and Drugs [Re: Ordep]
    #5213332 - 01/23/06 06:09 AM (18 years, 2 months ago)

I know how you feel. It's hard to trust other people. You can show people love, but it's like you always have to guard yourself against judgement, so it takes a certain kind of a mood or a certain kind of understanding before things can really get going.

And when you consider how hard it is to forumlate a line of thought and communicate it clearly, saying what you mean and meaning what you say, it's no wonder that many people find it hard to communicate. It's especially hard when dealing with abstract concepts and feelings. You have to find a middle road and adjust to the ebb and flow of everything. You can never know for sure when it's right to move forward or stand back or just not care at all about such things. The best way to get an upper hand is to practice. You gain understanding and compassion when you talk to others.

There's other stuff you can do. I personally find that my mood effects my conversational skills. Say, if I just meditated, I would be able to talk very clearly and skillfully about any idea. Anything that helps you find a balance will help you feed off your energy and the energy of others to create ideas + communicate them. Just relax and keep it real. Sometimes you have to sound like a dolt to get where you're going. It's all about the intentions that you have. You might say a bunch of stuff that the other person doesn't care about, but when you get to that 1 thing - that 1 important thing that you meant to say, it's all worth it.

And sometimes you'll find that you felt like you had something so important to share and you wanted to say it so bad, but you never get the chance. Things take a completely different course than what you had intended. And you just might find that you're better off for it. It's good to think of a conversation as a way to uncover truth, whether it's the truth you seek or not. I used to judge people alot for being stupid and not being able to have an intellectual conversation, but I don't bother with that anymore. Some of the best convos I've hard are ones where somebody will say something way off point, but it will hit me right at the heart because I see where they're coming from and I totally understand. Everybody has a different way of relating and comprehending things. You have to be flexible.

Don't get down on others who are so caught up in normality. Just take it for what it is and realize that there are certain parameters to certain conversations. Keep it simple when you need to and forsake your better judgement for civility. Sometimes it's just not worth it to say more than what's necessary. It would be like talking to a dog who just wants to be pet.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: Communication, Conversation, Insanity, Love, and Drugs [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5214276 - 01/23/06 02:57 PM (18 years, 2 months ago)

When you kill your shadow, you repress it further and it gains in power until it consumes you.

The last thing you ever want to try to do is KILL a part of you. You said it yourself, its trying to kill you, that's because YOU ARE IT and IT IS YOU and you are both trying to kill each other.

Proper shadow integration requires love, or respect, or curiosity, to confront what you are afraid of, what you hate, what you are prejudiced against, what you think is immoral, what you loathe, what irriatates you... and to, if you can't love it, just accept and observe it.

It can probably be very efficiently done through simple lucid dreaming. I recall this one time I had a very long lucid dream where this paranoid as hell girl was telling me all this bullshit, and I wanted to reject and ignore her so bad because she was just a moron, but a while later I realised that paranoid girl was me.... because fuck if I don't sound exactly like she did sometimes. If I had KILLED her in that dream, this would have fucked my personality up real bad, especially because she was coming to me from help.

Also direct opposite, one time I was in a grocery store parking lot and saw a little girl in my car. I kicked her out of it and tried to leave. She haunted me the entire night, stabbed me, would not go away. Likewise the situation with a man, I rejected him and he pursued me unendingly, even at the end of the night when I tried to make peace with him it didn't really work.... why? Because I fucking tried to more or less kill him, I had attached so much negativity to him that he was a part of me no matter how much I tried to deny it (by fighting him, conjuring up people to fight him, deliberately trying not to dream about him, etc)

The things we reject most very much become an integral part of our identity. If you hate someone, you hate yourself and it will manfiest in much negativity, you will drain your resources being engulfed in your hatred for them. This likewise applies to fear, the more you run away from a phobia, the stronger the phobia eventually becomes.

more examples:

However if I had loved her in the dream, perhaps let her dissolve completely into "me" then I would have had a great personality integration., I didn't really do anything far beyond neutral though.

Another exmaple, some absolutely scary old hag resembling my grandma said something really scary and downright disturbing to me, I wanted to run, to ignore, to wake up, to attack, the last thing I wanted to do was listen and accept, but instead I just gathered composure, stared her in her messed up looking eye [staring at a dream image is the best way to deal with it, it seems to freeze it in place until it gradually dissolves and loses its significance], and TRIED to show her love (I didn't in particular but I made the gestures) and she smiled and looked pleased and then I woke up.

And then just a few days ago I asked for some people to help me go into my shadow, we held hands and dove down into complete blackness. Nothing actually happened, rather I just encountered the thoughts in my head that contribute to my fear of spiders, and deliberately kept them from manifesting fear (and thefore, spiders) as we were falling through blackness.

am I less afraid of spiders? I have no idea, but I wasn't avoiding them, I was just keeping my fearful thoughts from creating them.

In short(long) if you [symbolically and metaphorically ]kill yourself you aren't going to be able to love others, or yourself.

Nothing about your personality is permanent, the only way to instill changes in what you don't like is to accept what it is that you reject for what it is.... an error in judgement, something to outgrow, whatever... let it peel off.
My shadow's
shedding skin
I've been picking scabs again.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (01/23/06 03:02 PM)

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Invisiblepsyka
Praetorian
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/09/03
Posts: 1,652
Re: Communication, Conversation, Insanity, Love, and Drugs [Re: Ordep]
    #5216846 - 01/24/06 06:37 AM (18 years, 2 months ago)

You're not alone. I feel the same way, just without the drugs.

You seem like you have self-actualized, and are on a quest towards satisfaction. In my expirence, it is this lack of satisfaction that drives us to do things, and you will never be satisfied. You are currently emptying your self, returning to the primal source and now are looking for answers. There are no answers outside of yourself.

Here is what I have found out for myself:

1) Get healthy - in order to conquer any task at hand, confidently, you must have the physical requirements.

2) Learn productive activities - interaction makes you interesting... this is the secret to "love."

3) Face your fears - As soon as you find yourself afraid of something, face it. Afraid of a crowd of people? Jump in. An attractive young lady making you nervous? Go talk to her. Afraid of cars? Play in traffic (ok maybe dont do that one).

You must identify with your problem, structure your life how you want it... not how it currently is. You will not be satisfied, but you will feel content.


--------------------
As the life of a candle,
my wick will burn out.
But, the fire of my mind
shall beam into infinite.


Edited by psyka (01/24/06 05:03 PM)

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Jump to top Pages: 1

Shop: MagicBag.co All-In-One Bags That Don't Suck   Kraken Kratom Red Vein Kratom   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order   Bridgetown Botanicals CBD Concentrates   PhytoExtractum Buy Bali Kratom Powder


Similar ThreadsPosterViewsRepliesLast post
* Ambien, my love drug RANKSRAGGY68 1,331 4 07/28/03 08:53 PM
by yostf
* Anyone else live for the drugs? HarveyWalbanger 2,884 17 09/18/03 09:01 PM
by tak
* Society's perception upon one's drug use masterg 2,040 13 11/18/03 12:30 AM
by Sheepish
* Best drug for social anxiety (help please)
( 1 2 3 4 all )
Mickel 17,335 63 05/21/03 09:00 PM
by SBTlauien
* Why wont my Girlfriend talk to me? doesnt she love me? *DELETED*
( 1 2 3 4 5 6 all )
Yeti_009 17,195 106 08/07/03 03:19 PM
by neutralizer
* My Doctor is Fucking Insane!!!
( 1 2 all )
Earth_Droid 5,097 20 05/26/03 01:03 AM
by matts
* wtf is up with love? Suffer 2,387 14 10/23/03 02:44 PM
by Twista
* Can you talk someone out of a drug habit? enotake2 4,220 15 02/23/03 08:25 PM
by Cracka_X

Extra information
You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics
HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled
Moderator: CherryBom, Rose, mndfreeze, yogabunny, feevers, CookieCrumbs, Northerner
832 topic views. 0 members, 2 guests and 6 web crawlers are browsing this forum.
[ Show Images Only | Sort by Score | Print Topic ]
Search this thread:

Copyright 1997-2024 Mind Media. Some rights reserved.

Generated in 0.026 seconds spending 0.007 seconds on 15 queries.