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Offlinetoo_many_weirdos
it's a jungle inhere
Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 517
Loc: Ithaca, NY
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed..
    #521404 - 01/15/02 05:50 PM (14 years, 10 months ago)

Lately, i can't get it off my mind.
I realized: my life, right now at least, does not serve to bring me anywhere
I feel lost i guess. I don't know where i'm going, or even, if there is anywhere to go?
i feel that i lack a greater purpose or perhaps meaning behind my life.

I guess that I may just be unwilling to accept the fact that there is nowhere to go (?) that everything means nothing, and nothing is all there is (?)
Life is just one day to the next over and over, never leading anywhere
don't misunderstand: i'm happy
but i need meaning i need a theme perhaps.

Maybe i'm not being clear:
i feel like most others that i know (well 'cept for a friend who shares these emotions) know where they are going. what they are going to do with life, their attitudes, ideals, ya know, its all set in stone
i however feel i could go anywhere and be anything. the problem is, i fail to look at this in a positive light. infinity and non-existence are both opposites and one and the same.
i have infinite possibilities: There is infinite knowledge, and i know none (a portion of infinity = 0 relative to the whole i guess). there is so much to learn and so much i can do.
in another light, there is nothing: i'm stuck in a circle. i can follow as many paths as i want, but no matter what i do and where i go and who i become, i am no closer to that ideal (infinity).

fuck man, i'm not depressed, i guess i just need some guiding force or purpose.
maybe someday attain that impossible: infinity (equating to enlightenment).

i seems that i might just have the wrong perspective. someone (murple perhaps?) said that everything is neutral and whether something is good or bad is just your perspective on that neutral state...yeah here it is:
The last few years, since high school I guess, I've had a vague feeling of 'loss' at times. That's not the best word. Angst about who I am and where I'm going.

I've got a new job and am about to start school at the local community college again, and I'm meeting new people. I've been feeliong happy and optimistic. I'm sure part of it is a sense of picking up the pieces from living in Florida, but even that is in turn just a part of the broader circle, which I guess is this weird Mother Of All Trips, life. I think angst is just like a clinging to childhood's security. The more you cling to childhood's security, the less secure you feel, making it worse. Then, unless you're unlucky, or stupid, you wake up to the fact, hidden all along in its simple obviousness, that the end of childhood is the other face of the beginning of adulthood.

It's like the old proverb that two people can look at the same glass, and one will see it half full and one half
empty. Many things in life can be looked at in either a positive or negative way. Are our demons simply
misunderstood saviours? Are our gods merely deceitful devils? No, its all in our collective head. All is a
glorious neutral, and it is up to our own interpretations and perceptions to define them good or bad. It's so
hard to get over loss of childhood precisely because that's how its defined, rather than 'gaining of
adulthood.' It's a cultural flaw that we define the experience as the 'end of innocence' or 'being thrown out
into the real world,' rather than defining it as a positive beginning. Life is good - If people would all accept that one simple fact, the world would be great! Life *is* good!!



i guess that about sums it up...


Edited by too_many_weirdos (01/15/02 05:56 PM)


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OfflineMitchnast
Trial by Madness
Male User Gallery Arcade Champion: Mahjong

Registered: 10/28/99
Posts: 8,572
Loc: Okanagan
Last seen: 4 hours, 31 minutes
Re: Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed.. [Re: too_many_weirdos]
    #521862 - 01/16/02 01:54 AM (14 years, 10 months ago)

hmm, perhaps if you came up with a plan to become king of the world that was a little half-cocked and brutal.... then went for it no regrets, whats the worst that could happen, you die? youre going to die anyway. but can you live life at the top? if youre too high up for people to see you die.... do you die at all?


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InvisibleUlysees
Power of Lard

Registered: 10/06/01
Posts: 5,060
Re: Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed.. [Re: Mitchnast]
    #521895 - 01/16/02 02:28 AM (14 years, 10 months ago)

I'd do what Mitchnast said.

I figured that I was one lazy bastard until I realized I'm a workaholic, there just aren't any want ads in the newspaper for what I do.
What is it that I do you ask? Well, I could tell you if you give me room and board for a month or two... :wink:


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Offlineemptyvessel
newbie
Registered: 01/08/02
Posts: 47
Last seen: 14 years, 6 months
Re: Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed.. [Re: Ulysees]
    #521937 - 01/16/02 03:39 AM (14 years, 10 months ago)

I can only offer you a couple of suggestions. Why not instead of trying to extract some meaning form this life, you just live?. Why not look at life as being the meaning in itself. If you feel that what life has to offer you isin't enough, I'd suggest you clear your mind of internal dialog. Because only then will you be able to see, accept, and love things for what they truly are, mysterious.



I dislike words.


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Offlinetoo_many_weirdos
it's a jungle inhere
Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 517
Loc: Ithaca, NY
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
Re: Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed.. [Re: emptyvessel]
    #522319 - 01/16/02 01:05 PM (14 years, 10 months ago)

thanks heh.

i guess i'm sort of tending towards that anyway.

i'm kinda weirded out that i posted this
whatever, everyone has their problems, things will come together eventually
i guess i was just feeling a little down yesterday =)


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OfflineAludyd
journeyman
Registered: 11/06/01
Posts: 53
Last seen: 14 years, 8 months
Re: Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed.. [Re: too_many_weirdos]
    #522360 - 01/16/02 01:42 PM (14 years, 10 months ago)

That is errily similar to what i had been going through
feeling you can do anything
But noting wanting to do anything
because none of it seemed fufilling it all lacked purpose.

Then i decided with the help of Buckleys
Just to live life
and do what i enjoy
and follow my imagination.

Might be a hedonistic
Your hear for whatevr reason
(im leaning towards random odds out of infinity)



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OfflineStrangeDays
Bob
Registered: 10/27/98
Posts: 160
Last seen: 12 years, 1 month
Re: Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed.. [Re: too_many_weirdos]
    #522407 - 01/16/02 02:34 PM (14 years, 10 months ago)

Ask yourself, Who Am I ? And then imagine the Grandest Version of the Greatest Vision you have ever had of who
you really are. Maybe you imagine yourself to be a Great
Writer or a Great Lover, or a Great Artist or a Great Teacher or ?

What are your desires? What are your wishes ? What
do you wish to experience in Life ? Do you wish to experience what it is like to have Divine Love with the Girl
of your Dreams ? Do you wish to Live in Abundance ?
Do you wish ?






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Offlinetoo_many_weirdos
it's a jungle inhere
Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 517
Loc: Ithaca, NY
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
Re: Where's my driving force? Living life half-assed.. [Re: StrangeDays]
    #522412 - 01/16/02 02:41 PM (14 years, 10 months ago)

thank you

:peace:



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