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Onlinewrestler_az
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addicted to anger
    #5157384 - 01/09/06 05:51 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

i think that is the best way to describe how i feel at the moment. i am addicted, to anger. i wish i could go just one fucking day without letting it get the best of me....but no. even on a day of peaches and cream i will go miles out of my way to seek it out.

just the fact that i have come to realize this, angers me. it angers me because when i look at it that way, i also realize what a weak and poor will i must have to let something as trivial as feelings control my every waking moment. and to top it off i have to pick anger, out of all other possible choices, to be the one i wallow in. have i grown so accustomed to being angry that feelings of peace and contentment frighten me, or possibly even cause me pain? does my brain have a short somewhere?

why am i only happy when it rains?

/end rant


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: wrestler_az]
    #5157388 - 01/09/06 05:59 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Regression techniques could uncover the underlaying cause. Knowing may change the anger into something else and may not be a cure-all at all. Can you handle the anger?


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157390 - 01/09/06 06:09 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

For instance, your anger could be suppressed rage which if uncovered could express itself in homicide with confinement for yourself a result.


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157395 - 01/09/06 06:28 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

can i handle it?

thats kind of a tough question to answer. in a sense, yes i can. i doubt many of the people i know see the same "angry man" when looking at me that i do. i generally keep it to myself, aside from the not so occasional flare up at my brother over stupid every day shit.

im pretty sure i know why i am angry. as far as i can remember ive always had an anger problem. when i was a little kid (and on through my late teens) punching doors, walls, lockers, counters, etc was the norm. my childhood wasnt the best, but it wasnt the worst by any means. parents divorced when i was 10. my mom and my brother (who at the time was 6) moved to montana. spent my childhood growing up with my father, away from my mom and brother. though i would visit them regularly, i spent most of it in arizona with my dad.

i could go on for pages about getting to the root of my anger. i often sit and contemplate where it comes from. but when i go down that road i only find my self chasing a fractal. i think for the most part what i need to do is learn to deal. just accept the fact and move on. but its like im stuck in a bad acid loop that starts over every time i wake up.

its frustrating......but i got to say that i have come quite a ways as far as thats concerned. its just taking that next step. its hard. especially when after each step i take i stop to question why i bother to even walk at all.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: wrestler_az]
    #5157406 - 01/09/06 06:45 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

"i doubt many of the people i know see the same "angry man"-

Yeah, I think we all learn to bottle it up; and some of us explode from the pressure.

" but its like im stuck in a bad acid loop that starts over every time i wake up."-

"its hard. especially when after each step i take i stop to question why i bother to even walk at all."-

I was raised with my mom. My cousins were raised with there armed-forces dad who was heavy on the "wuss" part of rasing his kids not to be 'wusses'. I guess he was well-intentioned; but if his kids failed to live up to his expectations then I suppose they can't help but feel they are a dissapointment. Was your dad like that?


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157415 - 01/09/06 07:00 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

My father graduated Harvard and had a condo in St.Tropez. he never did the 'wuss' part but it was like I could never possibly hope to attain his position; as a result I never graduated high-school.

Sometimes I think Things would have been more normal with a little more support and (something to do with less expectations). but I don't know, I guess we muddle on towards new horizons.


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157419 - 01/09/06 07:04 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

alot of my issues do stem from the relationship (and the lack thereof) with my dad. my parents were both really heavy into drugs for most of my childhood, right up to right before their divorce. thats actually why they split. they went to rehab, got clean, and realized that drugs were the only thing they had in common. well that, and the kids....but im not so sure they realized that at the time.

my dad was very strict with me. never really let me do much, crammed the dont do drugs speech down my throat every day...and for good reason when i saw how it affected my parents so much. hes always had high expectations for me, and i did my best to live up to them growing up. i worked hard in school, stayed away from drugs (well, from actually doing them. i sold quite a bit in high school. lol) even went to college for a couple of years....

but after a while i realized that i was spending all this time trying to please him that my own basic needs were not being met. hell, i didn't even know what they were to tell you the truth. dropped out of college to work fast food as a result. kind of ironic, when ya think about it.

i wasn't actually making a conscious effort and say to myself, fuck this school stuff, slinging burgers is where its at! and run off to burger king waving an application or anything. but it is the exact opposite of everything my dad told me i wanted....


we dont really talk much anymore. hell, we never really talked much when we did. i do care for him, and i know he does the same.....but i feel im pretty much a disappointment to him, and he doesnt seem to care that i think that, so we leave it at that.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: wrestler_az]
    #5157425 - 01/09/06 07:08 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Were your grades passing good in college?


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157428 - 01/09/06 07:11 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

It's like we need a reason to live when all we have is reasons not to die.
I'm not helping am I.

Maybe it's your anger keeping you alive.


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


Edited by Booby (01/09/06 07:16 AM)


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157432 - 01/09/06 07:20 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

they were when i tried....first few semesters i was holding a 3.0 average while working a part time job and working a spot on the wrestling team. it was a gradual decline, quit my job.....quit wrestling.....quit studying. then i just quit going to class all togehter. i started working again full time and spending more time on the drugs and partying as well.

i often think about going back and picking up where i left off. i mean its only been a few years. but some how its not quite that easy. in a way i cant really pick up where i left off. i have to start all over, and the thought of that is a bit overwhelming when i look at the amount of time i wasted the first go around.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: wrestler_az]
    #5157436 - 01/09/06 07:26 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Yeah I got a G.E.D and did a couple years at a community college but my grades were never much above 2.8.


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157438 - 01/09/06 07:27 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Booby said:
It's like we need a reason to live when all we have is reasons not to die.





pretty much. except do we really need a reason to live? is just being alive not enough reason? i would like to think it is, but society would have me believe otherwise. happiness comes from a good paying job, credit cards and a mortgage.

Quote:

Booby said:
I'm not helping am I.





i cant agree with that.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157440 - 01/09/06 07:29 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

im off to bed.

thanx for listening to my rant.


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: wrestler_az]
    #5157446 - 01/09/06 07:37 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

wrestler_az said:

pretty much. except do we really need a reason to live? is just being alive not enough reason? i would like to think it is, but society would have me believe otherwise. happiness comes from a good paying job, credit cards and a mortgage.





I think society puts too much emphasis on individualism; I mean if everyone is an individual then they all need a washing machine and a dryer, a car and individual apartments with rent to pay.

In the old days one might be a part of a larger family whith only one washer and dryer. In such an extended family I think the pressure to perform is more relaxed and one can take their own time coming to grips with reality.

These days we're all cookie-cutter molded with less concern for those who don't fit.


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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OfflineBooby
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: wrestler_az]
    #5157449 - 01/09/06 07:39 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

wrestler_az said:

thanx for listening to my rant.




Likewise  :smirk:


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: Booby]
    #5157486 - 01/09/06 08:23 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Maybe it's both physical and mental. Like.. you know about chakras and stuff. I find that such things matter quite a bit. How can you be irrational and angry when everything is so clear? You'd be quick to catch yourself getting caught up in bullshit. It's not something that you can just activate. You have to make a real effort. The annoying part is that you have to do it ALL the time. =D That's how I live. I try to find a balance. That's what it's all about, imo. Sure I get angry and stuff just like anyone else, but I beleive that I'm in control of my intentions most times.

Take time out every day to breath + do a little working out. That's what keeps me going. Infact, I'm a workout junky.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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Offlinejonathanseagull
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Re: addicted to anger [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #5159981 - 01/09/06 10:29 PM (15 years, 1 month ago)

I know exactly what you are going through, because I'm in the middle of the same experience. All of my life I have been angry. My brother and sister as well. And of course, it has to do with my parents. It hurt a lot of my relationships with family and friends when I was young and couldn't control it. Heck, it wasn't but about four years ago until I actually realized I even had a problem. But I'm getting over it, and I'll tell you that my solution was found through spiritual pursuit of awareness. I try to put situations that make me angry into perspective. They truly are things that are nowhere even close to being worth getting mad over (most of the time). To me, it was a matter of growing, and deciding that I had a high enough capacity of intelligence that I wasn't going to be controlled by emotions caused by chemical rushes in my brain during these situations. I was going to be in control.

I feel your pain. We will overcome.


--------------------
Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show, That the dear She might take some pleasure of my pain: Pleasure might cause her read, reading might make her know, Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain.


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